A/N Well, welcome to the disaster called clichés, this first chapter covers Mary Sues as the feminine Harry Potter "Harriet" goes to Hogwarts.
Warnings: Possible Yaoi (slash), insulting Mary Sues, minor swearing, and My Immortal references and jokes. Also, a lot of A Very Potter Musical and Sequel references. If you have anything against the above, I advice you not to read.
"Seamus, Where are you?" Dean Thomas shouted down an abandoned corridor. His best gay friend was missing, and Dean had not seen him since Harriet arrived. He had searched hours and hours for the Gryffindor teenager but had no luck.
About a day of no sign of Seamus, Dean eventually reported this to Dumbledore. He told the headmaster how Seamus did not show up to classes or to the dormitory.
"SEAMUS!" Dean shouted into nothingness as he wept.
INTRO HARRIET POTTER!
Harriet Potter was really happy because the love of her life, Draco Malfoy, asked her on a romantic dinner at Aeropostle because she bought all her clothes and food from there. She ran her hands through her beautiful, blonde hair even though she could not possibly have this hair color for her neither of her parents did.
Harriet ran into her deluxe dorm room with the finest furniture, a king sized bed, and a walk in closet- full of clothes from Aeropostle and Hollister- which were only available in the muggle world, of course. The author never realized this tiny error because she loved those stores so dearly, and Harriet had to wear attractive clothes so the boys would love her. She was given the room by Dumbledore because he loved her.
Not in that sort of way you sick perverts. Dumbledore only loved her as a sister that was a lot younger then him.
As well as the fact that she is the Girl-who-lived-to-have-dashes-in-her-name. Also, she had such a tragic life. Her favorite Uncle, Uncle Peter Pettigrew, sacrificed himself for the life of Harriet. Most importantly, she received the room because she was too perfect and beautiful to be living with the slimy inferior other girls like that bitch Hermione Granger and her whore best friend Lavender Brown. She hated Hermione the most because she was a cannon female character, and the fact the author is completely jealous.
Her beautiful sparkling pink eyes glanced over to the clock, and she realized she was…
LATE.
Pink eye is not an illness. She has pink eyes because they are beautiful and everyone wants pink eye. SO STOP TELLING ME THAT SHE IS SICK! Oh, and the three dots help make this story super dramatic.
Harriet obviously does not wear glasses because glasses were for nerds. Harriet hated nerds (and girls!).
THIS IS A LINE BREAK TIME SKIP HEAR ME RUMBLEROAR!
Draco Malfoy was super-duper happy cheery today. He was "super-duper happy cheery" because they, as in Harriet and him, ate at his favorite restaurant…
AERPOSTLE!
They were having a fantastic time eating shirts, drinking pants, and making fun of those stupid Cannon Females. He hated cannon female characters for they were created by the wonderful J. K. Rowling herself and were actual characters.
"So, Harriet, want to go to my favorite place besides Aeropostle?" Draco asked with an incredibly sexy voice.
Harriet squealed in the most fan-girlish, Mary Sue way possible. "I would love to go to your house."
"My house? No, Bitch, I meant to Hollister!" Draco exclaimed.
"Oh My God! Yes, Yes, I would love to!" Harriet gave Draco as big hug with her super strength because she was so strong and perfect. Not a bear hug, okay? She is not a bear.
Draco's pretty pink limo arrived, and pictures rainbows and sticks of ponies were splattered all over the "nice" car. The license plate said "777" not to be confused with the evil goffick number "666". It also was the plate number because "777" was a perfect number, almost as perfect as Harriet.
They both hopped in to Draco's fancy, pink, pony, rainbow car, that was some how in the mall. The limo driver, a pink pony that smiles and talked, drove the limo down to Hollister which was four stores away from Aeropostle.
ANOTHER LINE BREAK TIME SKIP FULL OF CHEESE!
They walked into Hollister, and Harriet's favorite song, Til the World Ends by Brittany Spears (she adored Brittany), was playing.
"Oh My God! Oh My God!" Harriet exclaimed, "Draco use your sexy feminine singing voice that we had no clue you had until now. I will use mine because I am good at everything of course. We can sound exactly like the song, and random people will show up and love us!" Harriet was basically jumping op in down.
RANDOM LYRICS IS INSERTED RIGHT HERE!
The manager of the Hollister store walked up to the duo as they were singing the song with a very angry look on her face. She was in a very good day, today, until she heard something that sounded like a dying cat and a dog stuck in a trap.
"Excuse me, Sir, Ma'am" She tried to get their attention with a very polite voice.
"WOAH-OH-OH-OH-OH" They sang.
"Ma'am, Sir?" She asked.
"KEEP ON DANCING TIL THE WORLD ENDS!"
"Ma'am, Sir!"
"IF YOU FEEL IT, LET IT HAPPEN"
"Ma'am... Sir…"
"KEEP ON DANCING TIL THE WORLD ENDS"
"MA'AM! SIR!" The manager literally screamed in their ears.
"Wha-what?" Draco asked.
"I am going to have to-!" She began but was cut off by the blonde female banshee.
"YES! YES! WE WOULD LOVE FREE CLOTHES FROM HOLLISTER FOR OUR AMAZING SINGING!" Harriet started picking up random shirts and started shoving them in her purse.
"-Ask you to leave." The manager finished.
"WHAT! WHY?" Harriet exclaimed upset that she was getting kicked out of her second favorite store.
"You're loud and obnoxious. Look, you are even making us lose service." The manager then pointed toward a group of people who were trying to get as far away as possible from the terrible singing.
"But… I still have to buy these shirts," she said while holding all the shirts she could hold (Draco was, of course, paying) close to her chest. As soon as she finished that statement, Hold It Against Me by Brittany Spears, Harriet's idol, started playing.
"Oh, look another song!"
"TAKE THE SHIRTS AND GET THE HELL OUT!" the angry manager roared.
Draco and Harriet dashed out of the store as fast as their legs could carry them.
RANDOM FIRST PERSON POINT OF VIEW
I did not why Ebony (or Enoby we're not sure) was so mad at me. Me and Vampire went out-!
OOPS… WRONG STORY! BACK TO THE REGULAR STUFF
Draco Malfoy knew something was wrong because his father had not written to him in two weeks. Well, not that he cared. Draco no longer cared what his father thought and said for he only did in cannon. He knew if he cared about his father at all. His angel, Harriet, would break up with him. He promised her when they started dating he would never become cannon. Cannon he thought with disgust. Cannon according to Harriet was the most vile, evil thing to ever exist. Harriet had told him while she was hypnotizing him that the things he must hate the most were yaoi (slash), gofficks, and the worst of them all cannon.
The next day Draco Malfoy entered into the Hall Great, walked over the Gryffindor table, and sat next to his best friend, Ron Weasley, who was sitting next to his sister, Ginny Weasley, and Harriet.
The Hall Great was no longer the Great Hall because Dumbledore announced as soon as Harriet arrived to Warthogs that the Great Hall was way to cannon and so was Hogwarts. Gryffindor wasn't too cannon, okay?
He became best friends with Ron Weasley because Draco loved poor people.
Not in that way. Draco hated yaoi remember, idiots. Also, Draco could never love anyone as much as Harriet. From her beautiful blonde hair to her not-an-illness pink sparkling eyes, he loved her so much. I must stop this rant. I am beginning to cry. Back to the story okay my non-cannon lovers.
TO WHERE EVER HARRIET IS (APPROXIMATELY EIGHT MINUTES BEFORE DRACO ARRIVED)!
Harriet was deep in conversation with her biggest fan Ginny Weasley and her other boyfriend Ron Weasley.
She is NOT cheating on Draco. Ron and Draco both love her so much that they share her. SO STOP TELLING ME SHE IS CHEATING OR IT'S A HAREM! This does not count as a harem, whatever that means.
"Harriet, Harriet, can you sign my hand?" Ginny asked.
"Oh, no problem" Harriet said. Harriet loved her fans, but Ginny was her favorite for not ever being cannon, completely loyal to her, and that they could dress up in an attractive way together.
Not in a slutty way like Lavender Brown or Hermione Granger would. Harriet was not a slut.
Draco then sat next to Harriet, and he and Ron started taking turns, about who was going to make out with me… Harriet.
The doors of the Hall Great opened and then….
Harriet's parents and Sirius ran in with Remus following shortly behind.
Harriet's parents are not dead okay?
"Harriet," James panted, "We ran all the way from Hollow Godric's to tell you that your name really isn't Harriet."
"Your name is Flower, sweet-heart, we also brought you a million dollars from your bank account," Lily handed her a huge bag full of muggle money.
"Don't… you… mean… galleons…" Remus said between breaths, "And besides… Isn't muggle money called pounds in Europe? They only call it dollars in America."
"What are you talking about?" Lily snapped. "I did not understand a word you just said."
"Shut up, Lily" James said as he smacked his wife.
"OH MERLIN! WHAT THE HELL JAMES?" Remus shouted, going in front of his friend, Lily, to protect her.
"What's wrong with you, Remus?" Lily asked, smiling cheerfully. "You know he beats me on a daily basis."
"No… He doesn't. He loves you and that would be the last thing he would ever do!" Lily then shot Remus her own version of Voldemort's Dude you are so retarded look.
"What kind of fa-" he paused, shaking his head, "You know what, never mind."
The door of the Hall Great once again opened to reveal a man with not-so-greasy-anymore black hair and was dressed all in black.
"SNAPEY!" shouted Sirius, "I ran all this way to see you, my best friend. What were you doing when I arrived here?"
"Washing my hair," replied the grumpy man.
"WHAT?" Remus roared. "SEVERUS WOULD NEVER WASH HIS HAIR! AND, I HAVE HAD IT! THE LAST FEW DAYS YOU ALL HAVE BEEN ACTING STRANGE. FIRST OF ALL JAMES HAS BEEN SO RUDE TO LILY-!"
"Uh, Remus" Sirius began noticing everyone was watching the werewolf.
"DON'T 'UH REMUS' ME. YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN ARSE TOO, PROBABLY WORSE THEN JAMES. YOU HAVE BEEN SO RUDE TO JAMES, LILY, AND ME. YOU ACT LIKE SNAPE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. YOU DESPISE SNAPE!"
"Wow, you can't even get Remus to stop talking. Pathetic," Lily glared at Sirius, as the angry man with sandy blond hair kept raising his voice.
"LIKE YOU'RE ANY BETTER! YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE MISS PRINCESS LONG ENOUGH! EVERY TIME I MENTION YOUR OWN SON, YOU TWO," he pointed at James and Lily, "ACT LIKE YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!"
"ALSO, WHO THE HELL IS THIS HARRIET YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT?" After Remus finished his "speech" James fist collided with Remus' jaw.
"WHAT THE F-" Remus was about to start another "speech", but was interrupted by Neville jogging into the Hall Great, soon followed by two figures.
"Professor Lupin! Professor Lupin!" Neville shouted. "I-! Wait, why do you have a bruise on your jaw?" Remus glared at James for a moment rubbing the tender spot on his face.
"Never mind that, go on."
"Okay… Anyway, I found these two in Filch's office hanging by their thumbs!" Neville stepped out of the way to reveal Harry Potter and Voldemort who were both glaring at Flower (Harriet).
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Voldemort questioned the trembling girl. "Why haven't I shown up ONCE? I am the antagonist of this series why am I not even in this story-!"
"Why are you going around saying you're me?" Harry interrupted the Dark Lord. "And why is Malfoy sitting at the Gryffindor table" Harry pointed toward Draco who was eating a piece of chicken.
Flower, who was being glared at by three different people, could not stand the negative attention and died.
"Finally, someone who is sane!" Remus ran up to Harry, Neville, and Voldemort and gave them all hugs and started run around the Hall Great and was shouting something about 'almost going insane' and 'freedom'.
"WHAT! DID YOU JUST HUG ME! YOU KNOW I CAN ONLY HUG DRACO!" Voldemort wailed. Remus smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry… Should have known about that," Remus laughed nervously.
"What could it possibly be now?" Remus asked as once again the same two doors opened, and Dean walked through the doors while dragging Seamus with him by the collar.
"Remove the curse, now." Dean demanded. Dean looked like he had not slept in days. It seemed like all Dean did since the ever Flower-banshee arrived was search for Seamus and be pestered to death by that Flower thing.
Seamus muttered a few words and with the wave of his wand everyone seemed to turn back in character, even, Voldemort, Dean, Harry, and Remus who all were slightly affected by the curse.
"So, it was you," Remus accused Seamus. "Why?"
"I got bored, since McGonagall wouldn't let me set Hogwarts on fire again. All I did was change everyone's character, and I gave Harry and Voldemort to Filch; took you all that long to notice."
"And you created that thing, and you made her think she was me!" Harry started glaring at Seamus.
"I don't know what you're talking about?"
"Wait if you didn't create that monster then who did?" Remus asked.
Even though that was a question never to be answered, Sirius walked up to his best friend and put his arm on Remus' shoulder.
"I am sorry, Moony, for putting you through Hell the last few weeks," Sirius said as he gave Remus a peck on the lips. James rolled his eyes.
"Do you two have to make out now?"
While everyone had their eyes glued to the kissing couple, Flower's dead body dissolved out of thin air, never to be found again.
PIGFARTS LINE BREAK!
Sally banged her head on her keyboard repetitively. She did not know why everyone was flaming her story, or why that hacker made a filler chapter. Now everyone thought that was the end of her "wonderful" story. Sally had tears running down her pudgy face as she held back her brown hair while reading flame after flame and congratulations to the hacker's chapter. Little did she notice something heading toward her house, about over a hundred miles per hour.
The following day's news report was about a meteor hitting a random house which luckily only contained one preteen girl who had tried to write a good fanfiction.
End of Chapter One
Review and tell me what clichés we should add.
Special Thanks to KatiekkxD for co-writing this story! Thanks for correcting all my punctuation as well!
I apologize to anyone who's name is Sally that doesn't write Sue-shit.