This started as a drabble and then Severus Snape demanded that I tell the story properly. And who am I to deny that man anything? I mean really.

Note: I've noticed on a few Snanger fics that people flame in the comments about paedophilia and inappropriate relationships and blah dee fucking blah. I have three things to say about that. One: You'd have to be looking for a Snanger fic to find one on this website. So why are you complaining about the story if you're the one who went looking for it? Two: Flaming is a huge waste of your and the author's time. Go away. Three: If you flame this story just to be an arse, expect a scathing, Snape-inspired, commentary on your intelligence or lack thereof, in response.

Warnings: AU, OOC (But only a little), Angry Desk Sex, Spanking, Language, Snark, Sarcasm, Excessive Italicizing, Eyebrow Raising, and Awkward Post-Sex Talk

Anti-Litigation Charm: I don't own any of the Harry Potter franchise because if I did, Severus Snape would be alive and well and shagging Hermione Granger on any and all surfaces of his home at every opportunity. And they'd have bushy haired, black-eyed babies. Also, I make no money from this. None. Shame.

Song Rec: Fever by Bullet for My Valentine because Matt Tuck makes me think of sex no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

"Miss Granger…"

"Miss Granger! Kindly pay attention!"

Hermione Granger let out a long-suffering sigh before rolling her eyes and raising her gaze to meet that of her former professor.

"And how can I help you today sir?"

He sneered as he was wont to do when annoyed.

"If you'd be so kind as to pull your head out of your arse and go get the minister I'd be eternally grateful."

Pinching the bridge of her nose in a futile effort to fend off the migraine building, she regarded the man as calmly as she was able.

"Even if I was more than a secretary and capable of commanding the minister to do anything, he's not here. He left for lunch and he won't be returning for another hour."

He muttered under his breath for a moment before returning his glare to her.

"I find myself astounded that they'd put someone as young and incompetent as you in charge of the minister's affair. Brightest witch of her age my left arse cheek."

Biting down the urge to smack the man in his scowling face, Hermione closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, the fire in them made Snape take an instinctive step back.

Hermione rose slowly and leaned across the desk, balancing her weight on her hands.

"Professor Snape, sir, I don't know why you insist on hating me even after I saved your life, but allow me to clarify a few things for you.

"One, I am not a first year for you to intimidate. While they may be prone to pants-wetting bouts of terror at the sound of your voice in Hogwarts, that will not happen here.

"Two, I am not your student. Any aspersions cast on my intelligence, appearance, or personality will be met with the appropriate hex. And allow me to assure you that no one will object if I see fit to shrivel your bollocks with the spell Ginny taught me when I caught Ron mid-coitus with one Lavender Brown."

At some point during this speech, Hermione has stepped away from and circled her desk. She was now standing directly in front of Snape, who had his back to the desk. He glowered down at her but remained silent as she continued her harangue.

"Three, I am, no matter what you may believe, a woman. You will speak to me as such or you will again find yourself on the receiving end of a nasty series of hexes resulting in a mandatory state of celibacy for no less than three months."

She raised an eyebrow in a perfect mockery of his own expression from years past while she observed him. He continued scowling at her but didn't speak. Whether his silence was a result of shock or anger, Hermione didn't know.

"I'll take your silence as understanding and acquiescence, then."

The two stared at each other for a long moment. So long, that Hermione started when he spoke.

"In what magical fairy princess land are you living, Miss Granger, that you think you can intimidate me? Your pathetic threats, no matter how impassioned they may have been, were nothing more than amusing, little girl."

"Be that as it may, I spoke the truth. I'm not afraid of you old man.

Later, Hermione would wonder why she was so intent on baiting the man. What could she possibly gain from angering him? What satisfaction could possibly come from arguing with a man well known for his temper?

"I'm not so old that I can't teach you a few lessons in manners, you insolent child."

His voice was smooth. Calm even. Nothing like the harsh tone she had been expecting. She fought back the involuntary shiver as his voice made its way over her body. No fucking way was she getting aroused at the sound of the bastard speaking. It just wasn't right.

Hermione stepped forward, invading the man's personal space until she had to look up to address him.

"You're more than welcome to try, but I must caution a man of your advanced years against such strenuous activities. Surely it can't be good for your health."

"Watch yourself," he hissed.

Throwing caution, and sanity, to the wind, Hermione tilted her head and smiled up at him.

"Bring it on." She dropped her voice to a whisper and batted her eyelashes as she spoke. "Old man."

Somewhere in a rational world, Severus Snape sneered at her, tossed a few particularly vitriolic barbs at her, and then stormed out of her office in a swirl of black robes.

In this one, he kissed her.

He grasped her face between his large hands and slanted his mouth over hers. Heat and passion exploded in her in an instant. The scent of his aftershave, spicy and strong, and something that was more subtle, distinctly male, and completely him, surrounded her And as much as she wanted to deny him, Hermione kissed him back. Everything around her melted away and left only him. Finally they broke apart, Hermione gasping for air. She met his heavy-lidded gaze and saw the lust burning in his black-eyed gaze.

Her brain, deprived of oxygen, was incapable of creating any words more profound than a gasped, "What the fuck?"

There will be sex. I swear it. I already wrote half of the smut scene, actually. I just can't figure out a logical way to get them there. Ugh. Writer problems.

For those of you waiting for the update on my Dramione story, More Than We Bargained For, fear not. I haven't abandoned the story, I swear. I had to re-program my computer and in the process I lost a good portion of the story, so I have to re-write the last few chapters from memory. Have I mentioned that my memory sucks? A lot. the next chapter is about 60% finished, I promise. Have faith and don't send me hate mail please.

Next Chapter:

Shaking and nearly sobbing with pleasure, Hermione blearily lifted her head off the desk and spoke haltingly. "Please...f-fuck me…suck me… anything…p-please."