DISCLAIMERS: So, I'm going through the new applications at work the other day, when a familiar name catches my eye. 'Joss Whedon?' I pick up the restaurant application form and read through. 'Former employees: WB, UPN and FOX. Reason for leaving: New show sucked ass.' Well, that's true. Looks like I've just hired myself a new dishwasher!

THANKS: Thanks to little-bit, the hottest beta in town. Thanks for being so patient with the updates. Thanks for reading this! Thanks for being so incredibly dashing and handsome. Oh wait, I was talking to James Marsters there.

LAST TIME ON BLAH BLAH BLAH: Willow, Buffybot, Anya and Xander snuck into Spike's room. Spike has a big bed. Heh. Willow looked at pictures of naked girls. Buffy showed up and saw the big bed. Spike smirked and made eyes at her. Buffy beat up Spike so her friends wouldn't catch onto their hot-lovin' vibes. Buffybot grinned. Spike blurted out he loved Buffy. See? That's what happens when you beat Spike up. Buffy ran out. Spike was sad. The gang left so he'd have some privacy. Anya likes The A Team.

************************************************

Riley tossed the tiny Nerf basketball at the tiny Nerf net, not feeling his usual sense of elation when it went in with a tiny Nerf swish. It just didn't mean a lot when Buffy was gone. Making a Nerf basket just didn't hold the same amount of pleasure it used to. Especially since it was the one thing he could do better than Buffy. Well, that and the army. He did the army better than she did.

Massive pounding on his dorm door made the net shake, and he missed his next throw. "Thank god." Riley jumped in relief at the interruption, ready for whatever mission was standing on the other side of that door. Any diversion was welcome right now. Anything to take his mind off-

"Riley." She stood there, hands twisted nervously before her, eyes wide.

"Buffy." My god. She came back. She came back to him.

They stood there, staring at each other awkwardly, until Buffy suddenly panicked and threw her arms around him, her mouth falling blindly towards his, lips parted. He was about to kiss her, so happy that she'd come back, when he noticed the tears on her cheeks. She was crying, and in his experiences with women, that usually meant they didn't really want to make love. Unless they were tears of happiness...he looked closer at the red eyes and runny nose. No, definitely not tears of happiness.

"Wait." He stepped away, pulling her gently but firmly back from him. She looked terrified. "Maybe you should sit down."

She sniffed and shook her head. "I don't want to sit down. I want...I want..." she trailed off, unsure. "Well...something," she muttered.

Riley gently took her hands, concerned. He hadn't seen her so undone and worked up in...well, ever. "What is it, Buffy? Let me help you. Whatever you need, okay? Just tell me."

The words made her break completely and she started crying in earnest now, huddled in a ball on his bed, face screwed into a tight fist of anguish. The sight alarmed him even more, and he grabbed the phone.

"What...what are you doing?" Buffy swiped at her nose, staring at him from her watery eyes.

"I'm phoning Willow," Riley said firmly.

"No!" Buffy sat up, even more flustered. "You can't!" She wiped at her nose again, loudly. That sleeve was getting rather damp. "Besides, she's not home, she's probably still at Spike's crypt. Stupid Spike. He thinks he's so smart! But you know what? He's not. And, he's a big fat liar. A big fat stupid vampire liar. I hate him! Dumb, stupid...Spike..." She frowned and turned away.

Riley put the phone down. Spike. That vampire again. It was always him. "I see."

Buffy shook her head. "See? What do you mean by that? You don't see anything. Just like Spike. He doesn't know what he's talking about! He doesn't really love me. I mean, c'mon, soul-less vampire, Vampire Slayer...it could never work out. It doesn't matter how much I love him, it's doomed from the start. Can't that stupid vampire see that? Cant he just shut up for once in his--"

"Wait...what did you say?" Riley sat down heavily.

"--life. The idiot just talk s and smirks and thinks he's so clever! Oh, he knows it all! Well, forget it, I hate him!" She finished off triumphantly, arms crossed. She noticed the slightly ill look on his face and blinked. "Riley...you okay? You look pretty pale."

Riley sighed and sat down beside her, face sad. "Buffy, isn't it obvious? Ever since we've been dating he's always been a distraction for you. You can't decide what you want, you keep on breaking up with me-"

Buffy raised her hand. "That wasn't me, remember? And the last time, at the dorm? Also not me."

"Yesterday?" Riley shrugged and gave a self-mocking little laugh. "You'd think I'd catch on by now, wouldn't you. It's only happened over and over again. Kinda makes you wonder how many times I mistook her for you. Hey...wait..." He flushed a little and stared at his hands. "I never...uh...you know...with her, right?" Buffy shook her head and he relaxed. "Good. I had the terrible feeling you were going to say that our night at the dorm during the party wasn't you. That was the most incredible night of my life." He smiled shyly.

"The party, right." Buffy smiled back, not having the heart to tell him about the spell. "Anyways, I never broke up with you."

"No. You never did," Riley touched her hair wistfully, giving her a small smile. "Not yet. But it's only a matter of time. You said, back there that..." He winced, remembering. "That you loved Spike."

"I did not!" Buffy sat up straight, furious.

"Yes you did. Right in the middle of your tirade about how stupid he was. You said you loved him." Riley turned away, not wanting Buffy to see his tears. Army Captains did not cry. That was for the young privates on the first day of training.

"Riley."

He turned slowly and stared at Buffy.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Buffy said quietly. Riley nodded. "Why?"

He picked up his Nerf ball and stared at it. She'd never be his as long as Spike was around. She'd never been his from the start. "I'm sorry, Buffy."

"Riley, " She grabbed the Nerf ball away from him and threw it away. It went through the basket. All net. Well. "Riley, please-"

"Buffy, stop." He stood up and waked to the door. "I think you need to leave."

She got off the bed slowly and went to him, eyes wide. "Riley-"

"You don't love me. Goodbye, Buffy," he said softly but firmly, giving her a slight push out. She smiled a little and grabbed his hand, giving it a quick squeeze before she walked out, closing the door behind her. He leaned up against it, eyes shut tightly, fighting back his tears.

"You don't love me," he whispered, wiping quickly at his damp lashes. He could hear Buffy on the other side of the door as she sniffled and started to walk away. Suddenly she stopped, and Riley could hear her mumbling to herself.

"Wait a second..." Her quiet words drifted to him through the wood.

The door suddenly slammed open, sending him flying across the room and into the wall, hard enough to put a Riley-shaped dent in it. Dust and little bits of plaster drifted down to land in his hair.

"Wha-?" He shook his head, groggy. A blurry Buffy stepped into his line of vision, hands placed firmly on her hips. Oh-oh, someone was pissed.

"Who do you think you are?" she demanded, furious. "You can't break up with me! I'm the one to break it off! And this is me, officially dumping you. Take note." She spun on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door so hard it fell off the hinges and backwards onto Riley's already-throbbing head.

"Ow."

**********************************

"She doesn't love me." Spike drank deeply from the bottle in his fist, not even noticing the burn as it flowed down his throat. "Bloody girl doesn't care. Don't you see? She'll never love me. Never want me the way I want her. It was like magic, and she ran away. Ran back to him, I wager. Back to that ruddy-" He broke off, wiping his lips with the back of his hand, eyes moist.

A hand reached out and patted him on the shoulder. "I love you, Spike!" Buffybot said, concerned. "The other Buffy is very stupid."

"Don't say that!" Spike sat up straight for a moment, ready to defend his girl. "Oh wait, she left me. You're right, she's a stupid bint."

"Willow's very smart. Maybe she can help you. She helped me slay faster by giving me this." The Bot pointed her crossbow at him helpfully.

"Bloody hell, point that thing somewhere else!" he yelped, scuttling back against the floor. She immediately dropped the point down and away from his chest.

"Sorry, Spike."

Spike took another pull at his bottle, finishing off the last few inches of liquid. "Don't worry about it, " he mumbled, seeing the crushed look on her face. No need to make the little robot sad, now was there? He was plenty sad enough for the both of them. The Bot smiled a little again and he patted her foot awkwardly, making her smile grow into a full-fledged beam.

"Your bottle is empty. Shall we get another or have sex?" She got up and clasped her hands before her in a pleading gesture. "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

Spike closed his eyes in pain. "Oh god. Not that again. Not the Star Wars."

Buffybot gave him a hot look. "I happen to like nice men." She waited expectantly, not moving until Spike gave a loud sigh of exasperation.

"Fine." He looked to the side and mumbled, "I'm nice men."

Buffybot shook her head. "No you're not. You're-" She waited again, this time with a frown. When Spike didn't make a move she poked him on the shoulder.

"You're supposed to kiss me there," she suggested helpfully.

"Right. Sorry." Spike fiddled with his bottle, embarrassed. "See, the thing is..."

The Bot watched him, blinking.

Spike sighed. "I can't," he said simply, and got up. "Now where'd I put that other bottle of whiskey?"

*************************************

"I can't believe we lost her," Xander said. He looked around the graveyard. "How could we have lost her?"

Willow made a face. "I only looked away for a second, when I thought I saw that Senihcam demon. But it turned out to be a cat." Xander gave her a look. "A very ferocious cat?" she added helpfully, sitting under a tree.

"She's gone," Anya said from her seat on the large tombstone. "I'm sure she's fine. She's a Slayer robot after all and she slayed normally earlier. You two are being very silly over this." She pulled out the magazine from her back pocket and unrolled it with a flick of her wrist. "Really, it's very possible that she went back to Spike's. She still loves him, right Willow?"

Willow looked shamefaced. "I just wanted her to stop kissing me!" she said again, defensive.

"What're we going to do about this? I guess we could go get her." Xander suggested to no one in particular. "Buffy so doesn't need this kind of worry now. I think she's got worry enough to last a lifetime after Spike's little confession." He sat down next to Willow and groaned. "It's only been three hours since Spikey's widdle wuv moment and I'm still feeling the nagging urge to vomit every five minutes. Vomit and puke and hurl and toss my cookies."

Anya flipped a page loudly. "I don't see the big deal."

"The big deal?" Xander goggled at her, mouth open. "Are you serious? Oh, it's a big deal all right. It's the biggest deal of all the deals. It's...it's...it's Let's Make a Deal of the big deals! That's how big a deal it is."

"Fine," Anya said. "Fine, whatever. Your friend finally found happiness and all you can do is rain on her parade." She squinted at the page closely, pondering. "Do you think these breasts are real? Some women have fake breasts you know. One time, I had a scorned woman wish for her ex-boyfriend to grow double D's. That's what you get for cheating on a small breasted girl with a large breasted girl. He was so traumatized by his new breasts that he took a knife and-"

Xander raised his hand at her. "Wait. Rewind there for a second. What do you mean by 'raining on her parade'? No one's raining on anything here, okay? In fact, if anyone's doing any raining on a parade it's Spike. He's the one ruining Buffy's life with the googley-eyed love confessions. I'm looking out for my friend."

"You're just mad because Spike's a demon and you have an unhealthy hatred towards demons. Right, Willow?" Anya looked over to her for backup.

"Um..." Willow said, looking panicked.

"See? Willow agrees with me," Anya said triumphantly, making Willow frown.

"I never-"

"Anya, I'd love it if Buffy found happiness. I didn't complain about Riley. I do complain about Spike. And yes, being a demon or anything close to one is wrong. Demons are for killing, not loving."

Anya gasped and stood up, the Playboy sliding to the ground, forgotten. "You really are dense sometimes Harris," she said tearfully.

"Anya, I didn't mean-" He broke off, watching her as she ran through the headstones, stopping a few feet away, head bowed. "Anya!" He turned to Willow. "What is it about me that keeps driving the girls away?"

Willow patted him on the back. "Probably your wonderful ability of opening your mouth and inserting your foot." She looked at the sad figure not too far away and nodded towards her. "I'm pretty sure she wants you to go and talk to her."

"Thanks." Xander sighed heavily. "I'd better go make up with her before she changes her mind and runs off for real. You know, being a jackass isn't as fun as the glamorous lifestyle makes it seem."

"I can only imagine," Willow said, shoving him towards the now-wailing Anya. "Please go talk to her before she wakes up the dead. Or, more of the dead. I'll wait."

Xander nodded and went over to Anya, who had gone from loud wailing to sending hurt looks and sniffles in his direction. "Okay. You keep your eye out for the Slayerbot. This may take a while."

Willow watched as he walked over to Anya, who had turned her back to Xander's pleas, her arms crossed defiantly. Xander touched her shoulder and she stepped away. Willow groaned and reached down, picking up the Playboy. This might take a while? No kidding. "No way those are real," she scoffed, looking at the spread-eagled Playboy bunny. "No one has round breasts like that."

*******************************

Buffy swung wildly, missing the vampire and smashing a hole through the headstone. Little bits of dust and concrete flew.

"Ha! Missed me, Slayer!" the vamp gloated, jumping around like a rabid flea. This was what he'd be warned about when he first was sired? Please. The Slayer wasn't so tough. She was obviously over-rated. He lunged at her, teeth bared.

"Oh, shut up," Buffy said, annoyed, and stepped aside, staking him as he flew by her.

"Die Slayer!" Another vampire screamed, running forward wildly. She rolled her eyes as he tripped and actually fell on her stake, dusting himself. She actually didn't have to move an inch.

"My god, are all the vamps in this town that stupid?" Buffy tucked the stake back into her pants and turned to find the Buffybot in front of her.

"Hi other Buffy!" The Bot smiled and tilted her head, waving the crossbow in her hand like a flag.

"Great. Can my night get any worse?" Buffy looked around. "Where's the rest of the gang?"

"They were in the graveyard, but I went to see Spike."

Buffy whirled, suddenly very interested in what the robot had to say. "Spike? Why?"

"He was sad. I love him." Buffybot nodded as she spoke. "He loves you. He said so. Maybe I should love you too."

Buffy backed up a step. "That's not necessary. What did Spike say?" she added, curious.

Buffybot paused and then suddenly started reciting, "I love her. I love her and she left me."

Buffy smiled wistfully.

"She's a stupid bint."

She frowned.

"I'm sorry Slayerbot. You look just like her, but...well, you aren't her. Maybe you should go. Find Willow. I hear she's bi." The Bot stopped and grinned. "So I came looking for Willow. I used to kiss her, but now I'm programmed not to."

Buffy sat down on the park bench, mind racing. Spike really did love her. She knew that. She'd known the moment they'd kissed.

"Where is he?" she blurted, standing up.

"At his crypt, looking for more alcohol. Do you know where Willow is? She said she wanted to work on me later."

Buffy made a face. "Ewww! Work on-oh. I get it. Like, in a brainy way, not a lesbian way. Well, that works. Go wait at the dorm, she'll be there eventually." She took a few steps and then turned back. "And don't touch my stuff. Especially my clothes."

"Okay!" Buffybot said, looking as perky as ever.

"And don't talk to anyone I know." Buffy started to go. "And don't have gay sex with Willow!" she shouted over her shoulder.

"Yes Buffy. Bye!" The Bot waved happily as Buffy took off running.

******************************************

She ran, heart pounding, feet a blur on the pavement. Seriously. I need a car. Or at least a bus pass. She peered down the street and started waving frantically as a car drove up. "Taxi!" she screamed, jumping up and down. The driver took one look at her panicked face and floored it, speeding past her, stirring up leaves as he went by. "Wait!" she yelled as he drove off. "Wait, come back...stupid taxi. I hope he picks up a demon next. Then who'll be wishing he'd stopped for the Slayer? Huh?"

She stepped onto the sidewalk and was suddenly pelted with something soft. It exploded, drenching her in icy water. "What! Who-" she spluttered, shivering. Two young kids peeked out from behind a cluster of bushes, giggling, and she saw red. "You are so gonna regret-"

They scrambled off, racing to the nearest house and banging on the door.

"Help! Help!" they screamed, making her stop in her tracks, beatings suddenly put on hold. A burly man opened the door and they pointed at her as she stood there, mouth open. "Help us mister! That crazy lady is trying to hurt us!"

"I never-" Buffy started, but was cut off by the irate neighbor.

"How could you scare little boys like that? You crazy bitch!"

Buffy gasped. "They're the ones who threw a water-"

"I'm calling the cops!" the man shouted, pulling the boys into the house with him. The smaller kid turned and grinned at her as he was rescued, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes.

"Little hellions." Buffy muttered, taking off again. "I hope they get eaten."

***

"Anya, I'm an idiot. Please believe me when I say that if anyone can make me rethink my feelings on demons, it's you."

Anya turned to Xander and gave him a sweet smile. "Xander, you always know what to say to make me feel better. Now, let's go home so we can have exciting make-up sex." She gave him a flirty look. "I could wear the thong if you like."

"Oh, Xander like." he answered, grinning.

***

Buffy ran down the streets, ears cocked for the sound of sirens. God she was glad she didn't have any siblings

***

Willow turned the page and started reading. "'Dear Playboy, I've been a fan of your sexy magazine for years and years. I never thought I'd be able to send a letter to you, but I was wrong. It all started when I was counting the day's profits. I'm a hot, large-chested female who loves sex with my boyfriend. On that particular day I was feeling extra aroused, since the big sale we'd had was quite a success, resulting in numerous cash increases to my business. Little did I know that my boyfriend 'Alex' had a special surprise for me in the training room...'" She paused and looked up at the smiling couple approaching her. "Please say this isn't what I think it is."

***

"I-don't-have-time-for-this-right-now!" Buffy panted, punching the demon in the face with each word. It ignored her and kept advancing menacingly. Frustrated, she spun and kicked the demon in the head, sending it flying into the nearest tree with a howl. "Look, I have somewhere I really need to be right now, but I do know a place where there're these really nasty kids..."

The demon jumped up at her and grabbed, lifting her easily.

"Wait!" Buffy squirmed in the grip. "How 'bout a taxi driver-" She was cut off as he tossed her into a tall, thorny rosebush, mashing it to the ground. "Okay, that's it. I'm so not happy right now-" She stood up and a loud tearing was heard. She froze.

"Was that my top?" she asked the demon, worried.

It nodded, making a face. "Yeah," it growled sympathetically. "Sorry 'bout that."

***

"Ohhhh, look!" Buffybot pulled out a long, shimmering skirt and held it up to her hips, smiling at her reflection in the mirror. "Other Buffy has such beautiful clothes!" She pulled it on, humming happily. "I hope Willow gets back soon. Maybe we can do a spell together."

***

Buffy looked down.

"I know you want me pot 'o gold!" The leprechaun pranced around her feet, giggling nastily. "But you'll never get it!"

"I told you already, I don't want your stupid pot of gold okay? I don't even like the chocolates." Buffy tried to go around the little menace, but it attacked her feet, biting viciously at her ankles.

"OW!" Buffy drew back her foot, kicking it as hard as she could. The leprechaun flew through the air, disappearing into the night. "Okay, that's it. If anything else comes near me I'm killing first and asking questions later."

***

"I'm going home." Willow stood up, handing the Playboy to Xander.

"What about the Slayerbot?" Anya called after her. Willow waved a hand in her direction and kept going. "Do you think that meant 'don't worry about it, you two go on home I'll handle it?'"

Xander shrugged. "I'm sure the robot will turn up eventually. And even if she is at Spike's, at least it's not Buffy."

***

Buffy threw open the crypt door and stood there for a moment, panting slightly.

"Buffy!" Spike looked up from his bourbon. "You came ba-" He stopped and tilted his head a bit, studying her soggy, torn clothes and general bedraggled appearance.

"We need to talk." Buffy limped over, dragging a long piece of toilet paper on her broken boot heel. "There's something I need to say."

Spike blinked and gave his head a slight shake, trying to focus. "Are you...wet?"

"Spike!" Buffy blushed.

"And your shirt, it's all shredded. What happened, pet?" Spike took another swig from his bottle and stood, swaying slightly. "Some Big Bad get a hold of you?"

Buffy looked down at herself, suddenly noticing what a mess she was. "Um, no."

Spike smirked. "D'ya want one to?" He leered at her, tongue pressed up against his teeth.

"Would you shut up for one freakin minute? Geeze." Buffy took a deep breath. This was going to be difficult. How would she say it? How could she tell him what he meant to her? She'd only just realized it herself. "Spike..." she breathed, looking him in the eye. "I..."

Spike waited, watching her. She didn't move. "What is it luv?" he prompted.

She blinked.

He pursed his lips in silence.

"Um..." she said.

He raised his eyebrows.

"I..." Buffy gave up and turned around, giving him a great view of her ass, since the seat of her pants were completely torn away. Spike goggled.

"What's so funny?" Buffy whirled and looked over her shoulder. "Oh. Of course. Why not?"

"Very nice show there Buffy. Is this what you wanted to tell me? That you wear lacy undies? Already knew that." His smug expression was met with a solid right to the jaw. Spike went down like a ton of bricks, collapsing in an untidy heap on the stone floor, unconscious.

"Stupid vampire! Wake up!" She jumped on top of him and gave him a hard shake. No response. "Great."

Punch. "Spike! Wake up!"

Punch. "Arrgh! I said, wake up!"

Spike blinked. "No fair, baby, to hit me all sexy-like when I'm passed out. I'd rather be awake to enjoy it." He grinned at her stunned expression.

Buffy jumped up and started pacing the room, furious. "Why? Why do I love you when you act like that? Why are all my boyfriends such idiots that don't understand me? Why am I always falling for the wrong guy-"

"You love me?" Spike shook his head.

"There's like, a billion people out there for me to meet, but noooo. I have to fall for vampires and guys who don't know me from a pile of metal. Well...I didn't fall for him all that hard...."

Spike stood up slowly. "You love me?"

"And then there's Angel, who's all broody and moody and secret-keeping guy like he's the King of the Secret Keepers. And he's all, 'Oh, I love you but I have to go to L.A.-"

Spike shouted, "You love me!?"

Buffy paused and looked at him standing there, arms akimbo. "What?"

He sighed. "You said you loved me."

"What?" Buffy said again, and shook her head. "No, I didn't!"
Spike licked his lips. "Oh, yes you did, baby." He grabbed her and pushed her up against the wall, body tight against hers. "You said you loved me," he whispered against her ear, making her shiver.

"Well," she gasped as he slid down to kneel before her, tongue eager and clever against her skin. "Maybe I do love you just a little..."

***

EPOLOGUE

Buffy lay back, panting, and looked at Spike laying next to her.

"You've killed me," he muttered, not opening his eyes.

"Already dead," she pointed out primly.

"Mmmm." He rolled over, placing a sweet kiss on her shoulder, hand tracing her skin gently.

Buffy sighed. "I feel kinda bad about not being on patrol right now."

"And yet all the mind-blowing sex somehow makes up for it all." Spike opened his eyes and caught the look she was giving him. "Oh, come on now pet. You have Willow and the Slayerbot and the rest of the bloody Scoobies out to patrol tonight. It's one night a week, enjoy it." He bit her ear softly. "Here, let me help you."

***

"Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Buffybot plunged the stake into the vamp's heart and turned to Willow. "He's dust!"

Willow nodded. "Great job, Slayerbot. That's five tonight. I think we're doing a great job."

Buffybot patted Willow's arm, pleased with the compliment. "Thank you! I love to slay evil! Tomorrow night we'll have Buffy and then we'll kill even more baddies."

Willow winced a bit at the reminder of just exactly where Buffy was tonight. "Uh...yeah. Tomorrow we'll have the whole gang patrolling."

"And Spike," Anya reminded helpfully.

Xander stopped walking. "Anya, please. We only get one night a week without him. Let's enjoy it."

They walked in silence for a while.

"Buffy's very lucky," the Bot said suddenly, serious. "She has Spike to love her. I wish I had a Spike to love me."

"One Spike is more than enough," Xander said. "There's no world big enough for two."

They walked on, leaving the cemetery, never noticing the two figures that watched them from the distance, hidden in the trees.

"How little you know, Xander," Warren said, smiling his best evil villain smile. He turned to his companion and gave a small laugh, feeling very pleased with himself. "I'll get my Buffybot yet."

The robot looked back at him and smiled. "Bleedin' right you will," he said, black duster flowing in the wind.

THE END

note from the author: I really want to thank my beta little_bit. She makes it fun to fix all my loser mistakes, and she's really sexy. I think she's easy too, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna score with her soon.

Also, this is the end. Sometimes people ask me to update Spike Lips! so I wanted to be clear on this ending. It's over. Um, so is Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!