Night Of The Boogeymen
By Jake Denton ([email protected])
There is only a dark BLACKNESS, and then we hear a NARRATOR speak from somewhere in the abysmal blackness.
NARRATOR:
In the late 70's, a movie came out that completely revolutionized it's genre. It was a grand movie, full of great enjoyment and incredibly likable characters.
(beat)
No, I'm talking about Grease! The movie I'm talking about is a horror movie, a slasher/fright film that helmed the rebirth of the horror genre, with it's strong acting and effective scare scenes, and...
(beat)
Ah, screw it, here's the parody.
FADE IN:
1. Ext. Midwestern Street - Night
MYSTERIOUS POV It is a dark and scary night. There is a white house across the street from us. It's in BAD SHAPE.
SUPER the legend: "Halloween Night 1963."
A beat, then
SUPER the legend: "Not to be confused with Thanksgiving."
On the sidewalk in front of the house, kids run by screaming in laughter.
Another group of kids dashes, waving their trick or treat bags as they run down the sidewalk.
They are soon followed by the 3rd set of screaming children, who are being pursued by a man in a hockey mask wielding a machete.
CAMERA settles on the house momentarily, then strides cautiously toward it. There is a sense of foreboding evil.
WHAP!
Or Not.
CAMERA pulls back, dazed, from the street pole that it just SMACKED INTO, and continues on its' voyage.
Finally, the POV reaches a side window of the house, where we can see a teenage couple making out like horny rabbits on the sofa.
BOYFRIEND
Where's your brother?
The girl, JUDY MURDERS, frowns in concentration.
JUDY
Ah, Michael is around here someplace. He's probably just trick-or-treating. Or our neighbor's teaching him to make a jack-O-Lantern. (beat) Or he's teaching HER how to be a lifelike corpse.
The boyfriend kisses her neck gently.
BOYFRIEND
Let's go upstairs and fool around, even though everyone knows having sex in a horror movie gets you killed.
JUDY
So what? This isn't a horror movie, anyway.
They go upstairs. CAMERA swoops around the house towards the back door, where we move towards the door slowly.
WHAP! CAMERA plows into the door HARD. Talk about the mother of all concussions.
The MYSTERIOUS POV barrels backwards for a second, regaining its' senses, then barges inside, knocking the door off it's hinges.
2. Int. House - Kitchen
Mysterious POV continues moving into the room, then pauses and looks at the stove, where a pot of BARBECUE SAUCE sits, with a knife sticking out of it. There's also a note on the counter. Our mystery intruder picks it up and reads it.
MRS. MURDERS (Off-screen)
"Dear Judy and Michael, don't forget to chop up the barbecue before your father and I get home for dinner! Also don't forget to paint the house, and take the family dog for a walk. Your father and I will be back from the gay strip club later this evening! Love, Mom."
The note gets thrown down, and the knife is plucked from the pot. Once the person is holding the knife, we
CONTINUE UPSTAIRS
Where we can hear the sounds of moaning. A few seconds pass, and we hear a loud FART.
JUDY (Off-screen)
Richard!
RICHARD, HER BOYFRIEND (Off-screen)
Oops! Damn Enchiladas!
CAMERA glides soundlessly into the
3. Int. House - Living Room
From Our POV, we can see RICHARD coming downstairs. Boy, with this guy's mentality, the word "quickie" is an understatement.
Richard looks right at us. He is SNEERING in CONTEMPT.
RICHARD
Hey, Mental, you cutting up on Halloween?
(opens the front door)
Night, Assmuncher.
CAMERA rushes towards the boyfriend, and we
HIT HIM IN THE BACK.
Richard looks at us crossly. He is extremely agitated now.
RICHARD
Watch where you're going, Greg Brady.
RICHARD leaves, pulling the door behind him. There is a slight CLICK, then...
RICHARD
(off-screen, outside the house)
Damn kids! Watch it with those eggs!
(there is a sequence of SPLATS)
You little brats! My face! My beautiful face! Ugh...
Ignoring the fading sound of Richard's voice, the POV turns its' wondering gaze towards the stairs, where just at the very end of those stairs, Judy can be heard, singing off-key.
Gliding up the staircase, we stop and look down to see a clown mask on the floor. Who left that lying there? No matter. As the hand pulls the mask towards the CAMERA, we now see through the mask's eyes.
4. Int. House - Upstairs bedroom
the door to JUDY'S room is looming closer. As we push past it, the door swings back and smacks into the CAMERA.
MYSTERIOUS POV We see through this guy's eyes a first person view of what it looks like to fall down the stairs.
HE RETURNS QUICKLY to the door, and push inside the room, being careful not to let the door hit him again. What a tragedy that would be!
POV quickly finds Judy, sitting butt-naked in front of the dresser as she combs her hair.
JUDY
(terrible singing)
...and I-I-I-I-I will...always love you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u...
MYSTERIOUS POV She finally turns and looks straight at us.
JUDY
(ticked off)
Mental!
Judy starts gasping as the assailant begins stabbing her. POV rotates and stares at someone's arm as it stabs her repeatedly, holding a different object with each time it comes back up. First a knife, then a tuning fork, an electric saw, a pillow, a can of Beef Stew, and finally, a hairbrush.
MYSTERIOUS POV as it turns back to see Judy collapse, dead, then leaves the room, gliding down the stairs again. It goes out the front door, just as a CAR pulls up.
5. Ext. Midwestern Street
A man and a woman, JUDY'S PARENTS, get out and saunter over to us.
MAN
Mental?
MYSTERIOUS POV The man rips off the mask. As he does so, the POV suddenly switches to a FRONT CAMERA view, and we now see the killer. It's a 6 year-old kid, MENTAL MURDERS
Who's still wearing a mask.
The MAN frowns, and pulls off his mask again, revealing another underneath. And another. And another. And another.
Finally, twenty-five masks, the boy's true face is shown. He looks CRAZY.
At this point, CAMERA pulls away, leaving the demented child standing there, holding the bloody knife. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning appears and hits Mental, knocking him onto his ass.
SLAM CUT TO BLACK
FADE IN:
6. Ext. Mental Hospital - Night
SUPER the legend: "Dr. Kevorkian's Mental Facility - for Psychotics, Psychopaths, and J. Edgar Hoover fans"
That fades out, only to be replaced with
SUPER the legend: "15 years and 1 impossibly overdone scene later"
INSERT as a station Wagon zooms steadily down a lonely road. It is raining. The perfect setting for something ominously terrifying to take place, yet the occupants of the car are in no real hurry.
7. Int. Station Wagon - Driver and Passenger Seats
A bald-headed man, DR. SLAM LOONY, and his assistant, MORON GASCHAMBERS, are engaged in vocal conversation. Moron has a cigarette in her mouth as she stares intently over the steering wheel.
MORON
(smoking)
So, what are you going to tell the judge?
Dr. Loony looks at his nurse, non-plussed, then back at the road. This is a perfect night to make small talk, especially when they're nearing an asylum.
DR. LOONY
(To the point)
I'll tell him that those child pornos were not mine, that they belonged to my horny next door neighbor, and that I have already the money to pay for those speeding tickets.
LOONY'S POV Moron looks at him strangely. What in the hell?
MORON
What?!
DR. LOONY
(trying to cover his slip-up)
Uh, nothing.
Moron, satisfied, looks back at the road.
MORON'S POV as she sees that she has reached the hospital. Strangely, the inmates, all dressed in white hospital gowns and robes are all outside, getting drenched.
CLOSE a sign on the fence reads "Danger! IRS agents on the loose. Advance at your own risk."
MORON
Since when do they let them wander around in the rain like this?
Dr. Loony looks at her, impatiently. Why is she asking him questions like this? How is he supposed to know?
DR. LOONY
(sarcastic)
Gee, I don't know. How about when they ran out of room at the hospital? This way, they'll save a fortune on expenses.
Moron frowns indignantly. This is no time for sarcasm.
MORON
This seems so familiar.
DR LOONY
Of course it does. This is the same kind of hack-eyed opening sequence in horror movies that have been done so much better before.
(turning solemn)
Dammit! We're locked out of the main gate.
(gets out of the car)
Wait here, okay?
Dr. Loony, without waiting for an answer, leaves the vehicle and runs up to the gate to call in his arrival.
MORON
(muttering)
Right. Like I'm going to go for a night on the town.
Hearing a noise behind her, Moron looks back and sees
AN ADULT MENTAL CLIMBING ONTO THE ROOF OF THE STATION WAGON.
Determined to find out what exactly is going on, Moron opens the car window
AND BIRD DROPPINGS LAND ON HER EYES.
Moron shrieks in surprise, throwing the car into reverse, drive, and neutral. Brakes screech and Mental gets flung off the roof.
8. Ext. Station Wagon
Mental gets to his feet, pissed.
9. Int. Station Wagon
Wiping the filth from her eyes, Moron staggers to the passenger side of the car, in sheer panic. Behind her, Mental's hand
REACHES DOWN AND BREAKS THE GLASS.
Moron gets panicked, scrambling out of the vehicle, slipping in the mud as Mental gets in the driver seat, and tries to start the engine, to no avail. He floods it again. Nothing.
10. Int. Station Wagon
Mental snatches up the car phone.
11. Ext. Station Wagon
MORON'S POV A large TOW TRUCK appears out of nowhere, and straps the Station Wagon onto the back of it, taking it and Mental away into the night. Dr. Loony runs up and watches it fade into the night, then grabs Moron by the shoulders.
DR. LOONY
(shaking her roughly)
Are you okay?!
Moron tries to speak, but can't because he's shaking her too hard.
DR. LOONY
(keeps shaking)
Are you all right?!
(No answer, so he shakes her even more roughly)
Answer me!
Moron's fist swings out and connects with Dr. Loony's face. The shrink falls on his back in the mud.
MORON:
I'M FINE!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Loony gets back to his feet. He's in a high stage of deep agitation and anxiety.
DR LOONY
(frantic)
He's gone! The Evil is gone!
(pause)
I've got to make a phone call!
MORON
To who? The sheriff of whatever place you think he's heading to?
Dr. Loony looks at her. What is she, insane?
DR. LOONY
Hell no! I'm going to call a Hollywood producer to make a movie about this! I'm going to be rich!
(pause)
Hmm, I wonder if John Carpenter would be interested?
COMING SOON...
What will happen next? Will Dr. Loony find Mental? Will Mental go home to find and kill a bunch of kids in some irrevocably cheesy plot twist? Will the insanity continue in this parody? Does Moron get shaken up some more? Will I get people to read and review? Will I get positive reviews? Will I ever shut up and quit rambling before those men in white coats take me away in a straitjacket and place me in a white room with lovely cushioned walls? Will people email me any comments they may have on this parody? Am I accessible by sending mail to [email protected] ?
By Jake Denton ([email protected])
There is only a dark BLACKNESS, and then we hear a NARRATOR speak from somewhere in the abysmal blackness.
NARRATOR:
In the late 70's, a movie came out that completely revolutionized it's genre. It was a grand movie, full of great enjoyment and incredibly likable characters.
(beat)
No, I'm talking about Grease! The movie I'm talking about is a horror movie, a slasher/fright film that helmed the rebirth of the horror genre, with it's strong acting and effective scare scenes, and...
(beat)
Ah, screw it, here's the parody.
FADE IN:
1. Ext. Midwestern Street - Night
MYSTERIOUS POV It is a dark and scary night. There is a white house across the street from us. It's in BAD SHAPE.
SUPER the legend: "Halloween Night 1963."
A beat, then
SUPER the legend: "Not to be confused with Thanksgiving."
On the sidewalk in front of the house, kids run by screaming in laughter.
Another group of kids dashes, waving their trick or treat bags as they run down the sidewalk.
They are soon followed by the 3rd set of screaming children, who are being pursued by a man in a hockey mask wielding a machete.
CAMERA settles on the house momentarily, then strides cautiously toward it. There is a sense of foreboding evil.
WHAP!
Or Not.
CAMERA pulls back, dazed, from the street pole that it just SMACKED INTO, and continues on its' voyage.
Finally, the POV reaches a side window of the house, where we can see a teenage couple making out like horny rabbits on the sofa.
BOYFRIEND
Where's your brother?
The girl, JUDY MURDERS, frowns in concentration.
JUDY
Ah, Michael is around here someplace. He's probably just trick-or-treating. Or our neighbor's teaching him to make a jack-O-Lantern. (beat) Or he's teaching HER how to be a lifelike corpse.
The boyfriend kisses her neck gently.
BOYFRIEND
Let's go upstairs and fool around, even though everyone knows having sex in a horror movie gets you killed.
JUDY
So what? This isn't a horror movie, anyway.
They go upstairs. CAMERA swoops around the house towards the back door, where we move towards the door slowly.
WHAP! CAMERA plows into the door HARD. Talk about the mother of all concussions.
The MYSTERIOUS POV barrels backwards for a second, regaining its' senses, then barges inside, knocking the door off it's hinges.
2. Int. House - Kitchen
Mysterious POV continues moving into the room, then pauses and looks at the stove, where a pot of BARBECUE SAUCE sits, with a knife sticking out of it. There's also a note on the counter. Our mystery intruder picks it up and reads it.
MRS. MURDERS (Off-screen)
"Dear Judy and Michael, don't forget to chop up the barbecue before your father and I get home for dinner! Also don't forget to paint the house, and take the family dog for a walk. Your father and I will be back from the gay strip club later this evening! Love, Mom."
The note gets thrown down, and the knife is plucked from the pot. Once the person is holding the knife, we
CONTINUE UPSTAIRS
Where we can hear the sounds of moaning. A few seconds pass, and we hear a loud FART.
JUDY (Off-screen)
Richard!
RICHARD, HER BOYFRIEND (Off-screen)
Oops! Damn Enchiladas!
CAMERA glides soundlessly into the
3. Int. House - Living Room
From Our POV, we can see RICHARD coming downstairs. Boy, with this guy's mentality, the word "quickie" is an understatement.
Richard looks right at us. He is SNEERING in CONTEMPT.
RICHARD
Hey, Mental, you cutting up on Halloween?
(opens the front door)
Night, Assmuncher.
CAMERA rushes towards the boyfriend, and we
HIT HIM IN THE BACK.
Richard looks at us crossly. He is extremely agitated now.
RICHARD
Watch where you're going, Greg Brady.
RICHARD leaves, pulling the door behind him. There is a slight CLICK, then...
RICHARD
(off-screen, outside the house)
Damn kids! Watch it with those eggs!
(there is a sequence of SPLATS)
You little brats! My face! My beautiful face! Ugh...
Ignoring the fading sound of Richard's voice, the POV turns its' wondering gaze towards the stairs, where just at the very end of those stairs, Judy can be heard, singing off-key.
Gliding up the staircase, we stop and look down to see a clown mask on the floor. Who left that lying there? No matter. As the hand pulls the mask towards the CAMERA, we now see through the mask's eyes.
4. Int. House - Upstairs bedroom
the door to JUDY'S room is looming closer. As we push past it, the door swings back and smacks into the CAMERA.
MYSTERIOUS POV We see through this guy's eyes a first person view of what it looks like to fall down the stairs.
HE RETURNS QUICKLY to the door, and push inside the room, being careful not to let the door hit him again. What a tragedy that would be!
POV quickly finds Judy, sitting butt-naked in front of the dresser as she combs her hair.
JUDY
(terrible singing)
...and I-I-I-I-I will...always love you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u...
MYSTERIOUS POV She finally turns and looks straight at us.
JUDY
(ticked off)
Mental!
Judy starts gasping as the assailant begins stabbing her. POV rotates and stares at someone's arm as it stabs her repeatedly, holding a different object with each time it comes back up. First a knife, then a tuning fork, an electric saw, a pillow, a can of Beef Stew, and finally, a hairbrush.
MYSTERIOUS POV as it turns back to see Judy collapse, dead, then leaves the room, gliding down the stairs again. It goes out the front door, just as a CAR pulls up.
5. Ext. Midwestern Street
A man and a woman, JUDY'S PARENTS, get out and saunter over to us.
MAN
Mental?
MYSTERIOUS POV The man rips off the mask. As he does so, the POV suddenly switches to a FRONT CAMERA view, and we now see the killer. It's a 6 year-old kid, MENTAL MURDERS
Who's still wearing a mask.
The MAN frowns, and pulls off his mask again, revealing another underneath. And another. And another. And another.
Finally, twenty-five masks, the boy's true face is shown. He looks CRAZY.
At this point, CAMERA pulls away, leaving the demented child standing there, holding the bloody knife. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning appears and hits Mental, knocking him onto his ass.
SLAM CUT TO BLACK
FADE IN:
6. Ext. Mental Hospital - Night
SUPER the legend: "Dr. Kevorkian's Mental Facility - for Psychotics, Psychopaths, and J. Edgar Hoover fans"
That fades out, only to be replaced with
SUPER the legend: "15 years and 1 impossibly overdone scene later"
INSERT as a station Wagon zooms steadily down a lonely road. It is raining. The perfect setting for something ominously terrifying to take place, yet the occupants of the car are in no real hurry.
7. Int. Station Wagon - Driver and Passenger Seats
A bald-headed man, DR. SLAM LOONY, and his assistant, MORON GASCHAMBERS, are engaged in vocal conversation. Moron has a cigarette in her mouth as she stares intently over the steering wheel.
MORON
(smoking)
So, what are you going to tell the judge?
Dr. Loony looks at his nurse, non-plussed, then back at the road. This is a perfect night to make small talk, especially when they're nearing an asylum.
DR. LOONY
(To the point)
I'll tell him that those child pornos were not mine, that they belonged to my horny next door neighbor, and that I have already the money to pay for those speeding tickets.
LOONY'S POV Moron looks at him strangely. What in the hell?
MORON
What?!
DR. LOONY
(trying to cover his slip-up)
Uh, nothing.
Moron, satisfied, looks back at the road.
MORON'S POV as she sees that she has reached the hospital. Strangely, the inmates, all dressed in white hospital gowns and robes are all outside, getting drenched.
CLOSE a sign on the fence reads "Danger! IRS agents on the loose. Advance at your own risk."
MORON
Since when do they let them wander around in the rain like this?
Dr. Loony looks at her, impatiently. Why is she asking him questions like this? How is he supposed to know?
DR. LOONY
(sarcastic)
Gee, I don't know. How about when they ran out of room at the hospital? This way, they'll save a fortune on expenses.
Moron frowns indignantly. This is no time for sarcasm.
MORON
This seems so familiar.
DR LOONY
Of course it does. This is the same kind of hack-eyed opening sequence in horror movies that have been done so much better before.
(turning solemn)
Dammit! We're locked out of the main gate.
(gets out of the car)
Wait here, okay?
Dr. Loony, without waiting for an answer, leaves the vehicle and runs up to the gate to call in his arrival.
MORON
(muttering)
Right. Like I'm going to go for a night on the town.
Hearing a noise behind her, Moron looks back and sees
AN ADULT MENTAL CLIMBING ONTO THE ROOF OF THE STATION WAGON.
Determined to find out what exactly is going on, Moron opens the car window
AND BIRD DROPPINGS LAND ON HER EYES.
Moron shrieks in surprise, throwing the car into reverse, drive, and neutral. Brakes screech and Mental gets flung off the roof.
8. Ext. Station Wagon
Mental gets to his feet, pissed.
9. Int. Station Wagon
Wiping the filth from her eyes, Moron staggers to the passenger side of the car, in sheer panic. Behind her, Mental's hand
REACHES DOWN AND BREAKS THE GLASS.
Moron gets panicked, scrambling out of the vehicle, slipping in the mud as Mental gets in the driver seat, and tries to start the engine, to no avail. He floods it again. Nothing.
10. Int. Station Wagon
Mental snatches up the car phone.
11. Ext. Station Wagon
MORON'S POV A large TOW TRUCK appears out of nowhere, and straps the Station Wagon onto the back of it, taking it and Mental away into the night. Dr. Loony runs up and watches it fade into the night, then grabs Moron by the shoulders.
DR. LOONY
(shaking her roughly)
Are you okay?!
Moron tries to speak, but can't because he's shaking her too hard.
DR. LOONY
(keeps shaking)
Are you all right?!
(No answer, so he shakes her even more roughly)
Answer me!
Moron's fist swings out and connects with Dr. Loony's face. The shrink falls on his back in the mud.
MORON:
I'M FINE!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Loony gets back to his feet. He's in a high stage of deep agitation and anxiety.
DR LOONY
(frantic)
He's gone! The Evil is gone!
(pause)
I've got to make a phone call!
MORON
To who? The sheriff of whatever place you think he's heading to?
Dr. Loony looks at her. What is she, insane?
DR. LOONY
Hell no! I'm going to call a Hollywood producer to make a movie about this! I'm going to be rich!
(pause)
Hmm, I wonder if John Carpenter would be interested?
COMING SOON...
What will happen next? Will Dr. Loony find Mental? Will Mental go home to find and kill a bunch of kids in some irrevocably cheesy plot twist? Will the insanity continue in this parody? Does Moron get shaken up some more? Will I get people to read and review? Will I get positive reviews? Will I ever shut up and quit rambling before those men in white coats take me away in a straitjacket and place me in a white room with lovely cushioned walls? Will people email me any comments they may have on this parody? Am I accessible by sending mail to [email protected] ?