Disclaimer: I do not own the Mighty Ducks (as if you didn't know that).  Now get to the story already

MANAGER FOR HIRE

By Ryan Phelan

Phil Pomfeather walked into the rink of the Anaheim Pond, a plump middle-aged woman following him.  Their footsteps echoed loudly across the empty arena.

"And here is where the Ducks work their magic," Phil said with a sweep of his arm.  "That concludes our tour, Edna.  Let me be the first to say that we're glad to have you on board!"

"Yes, very nice, Mr. Pomfeather," the Edna replied.  "Um…are you sure that's everything?"

"What do you mean?"  Phil blinked.

"Well, it's just that I've heard…things," Edna said.  "The people at the temp agency said that strange things happen here.  That's why they have so much difficulty filling this position." 

"Edna, let me assure you that those rumors are totally unfounded," Phil firmly replied.  "This is an ordinary place of business.  All you have to worry about is taking my calls, sorting the mail…"

ROOOAR!!

With an earsplitting cry a large ball of fire shaped like a dog appeared out of nowhere and came barreling right at them.  Phil and Edna barely had time to hit the floor as the beast leaped, missing them by inches.  It skidded to a halt and turned around for another attack.

"STAY DOWN!"  A voice yelled out.  Wildwing, Nosedive and Mallory came running up, puck blasters in hand.  The beast turned its attention to them, growling, sparks shooting from its body.  It charged and the ducks fired freeze pucks at it.  The pucks hit the beast, freezing it into an immobile ice sculpture.

"Are you guys all right?"  Wildwing asked.

"Yeah, fine," Phil replied, getting up.  "What was that thing?"

"A little present from Dragaunus," Mallory said. 

"Need some help, lady?"  Nosedive asked, offering Edna his hand.

"N-No!"  Edna cried, scrambling to her feet.  "Mr. Pomfeather, this isn't working out!  Goodbye!!"  She ran out of the Pond as fast as she could.

"Twelve minutes and eighteen seconds," Phil sighed, looking at his watch.  "That's a record."

"What's with her?"  Nosedive asked.

"Not everyone is used to seeing giant fire monsters attacking them!"  Phil snapped.  "You birds just chased away another secretary!"

"Oh, no, Betty quit?"  Mallory asked.

"No, Betty quit last month," Nosedive replied.  "He must mean Jennifer."

"No, Jennifer hasn't worked here since February," Mallory replied.  "She came after Lucy, the one who had the nervous breakdown…"

"Never mind the name game!"  Phil snapped.  "Do you know how hard it is to get anyone to work here?  Only fraternity guys are jumping at the chance, but that's because it's become part of their initiation!!  I have better things to do than place ads in the paper…Oh, forget it!  You wouldn't understand!  I have to go."  With that he stormed off.

"I think Phil should take a vacation," Mallory remarked.

"He has been pretty frazzled lately," Wildwing replied.  "He could use the rest."

"Actually, I was thinking that we could use the rest," Mallory said.  "But it would be good for Phil too."

Phil entered his office and slammed the door behind him.  "All I ever wanted was to be the manager of a winning hockey team," he said to himself, pacing back and forth.  "Winning teams are supposed to bring in money.  Lots and lots of money, some of which finds its way into my pockets.  Instead it comes in and goes right out the door again, along with all my staff!  But what can I do about it?"

Then it hit him like a meteor.  "I've got it!  Who says I have to manage just one team?  There's lots of great talent out there in need of representation!  I just have to find it!"

******************  

A week later Phil sat in a small rented office downtown.  He figured it would be safer to interview potential clients away from the Pond.  POMFEATHER INC. was printed in neat letters on the front door.  He had placed ads in all the trade magazines, and now he had an entire day of appointments lined up.

"This is the way it should be," he chucked, leaning back in his chair.  "Sign up a some normal people, get them a few jobs and take fifteen percent!"  There was a knock on the door.  "COME IN!" he yelled.

A short, neatly dressed man in his thirties opened the door.  "Mr. Pomfeather?  I'm Al Tompson.  I have a nine o'clock appointment."

"Of course!'  Phil exclaimed, motioning towards a chair.  "Come in!  Sit!"

"Thanks," Al said, sitting down.  "Funny I should be sitting, since I'm a stand-up comic!"  He laughed nervously.

"Uh huh…" Phil replied.  "Well, let's hear your routine."

"Okay, well, I just flew in from New York and…um, I'm tired!  New York is called the city that never sleeps because...because…" Al began to hyperventilate.

"Whoa, are you okay," Phil asked.  "Do you need some water?"

"No, no I'm fine," Al gasped.  "I just have a fear of speaking in front of…anyone."

"I see…" Phil replied.  "Well, I'll be in touch.  Have a nice day!"  He ran over to the door and opened it.

The rest of the day wore on…

"Now, Sparky will jump through this hoop…Sparky!  Stop that!  Let go of the nice man's leg!"

"I'm fine with you taking fifteen percent, but my other personality might not go for it."

"I juggle one egg.  One!  No one has ever tried that before!"

"I will only sign with someone my ventriloquist dummy Charlie likes.  He really likes you."

"I was on Big Brother."

"You mean this isn't an Overeaters Anonymous meeting?"

"My lawyer said I was so good in court I should go into acting full time."

"Now that I've hypnotized this alligator I'll put my hand in his AAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

"So, like, we can show you what an awesome band we are if you loan us the money to get our stuff out of hock."

"Argh!  I had no idea there were so many losers in this town!"  Phil moaned as he crossed another name off his list.  He buried his face in his hands.  "All I want is one nice, normal, talented person who'll make me rich!  Is that too much to ask?" 

"Mr. Pomfeather?"

Phil looked up to see a young woman staring down at him.  She was slim with long sandy hair and deep blue eyes, which matched her blue sundress.  A guitar was slung over her shoulder.  "Are you okay?"  She asked in a soft, sweet voice.

"Yes!"  He replied, straightening up.  "What can I do for you?"

"Well, I hear you're an agent.  I've come to sign up."

"Not so fast, missy," Phil said.  "I don't sign up just anyone.  Not until I see what you've got."

She took her guitar and began to play, and Phil was shocked to discover it didn't suck.  In fact, it was the most beautiful music he had ever heard.  Then the girl began to sing: 

There is a field full of hopes and dreams

In a world far away in my head

But life keeps dragging me back

Dragging me back

To my so called reality

"Enough!"  Phil cried.  "Baby, where have you been all my life?"  He practically leaped over the desk to embrace her.

"So you like my music?"  She gasped.  Phil let go and gave her a big smile.

"Are you kidding?  It's great!!  I can already see your name up in lights!  Uh, what is your name?"

"Sapphire," she replied.

"Perfect!"  Phil exclaimed.  "You even have a showbiz name!  You're a natural!!"  He went back behind his desk, opened the top drawer and took out a contract.  "Just sign here and I'll make you a star!"

******************

Phil leaned against the bar and surveyed the scene.  The place was packed, thanks to all his hard work promoting Sapphire.  He had several other gigs lined up in the next few weeks; once they heard her demo tape people rushed to hire her.

"Phil!"  Sapphire entered the bar and came up to him.  "I'm so nervous!  Look at all these people!  What if I stink?"

"Don't talk like that!"  Phil replied.  "You'll do great!  You just need some confidence!  Repeat after me:  I am a star!" 

Sapphire hesitated, then said "I am a star."

"C'mon, say it like you mean it."

"I am a star!"

"Again!"

"I AM A STAR!"

"YEAH!  Now get up there and knock 'em dead!"  Phil gave her a gentle shove towards the stage.

Sapphire hurried to the stage.  She sat on a stool, adjusted her guitar, and began to play.  The murmurs of the crowd quickly died down as the music seized their attention.  Phil looked upon all their enraptured faces and could barely contain his delight.  He pictured Sapphire getting a big record deal and signing autographs for throngs of adoring fans.  He closed his eyes and saw her ascending the stage at the Grammys, dressed in a sparkling blue gown, while he and his date Julia Roberts cheered her on.  Sapphire accepted the award, looked right at Phil and said-

"HEY!  KNOCK THAT OFF YOU JERK!!"

Phil's eyes snapped open.  He saw Sapphire glaring at a big guy at a corner table.  "PUT DOWN THAT CELL PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION!!"  She yelled. 

"Hey, calm down lady!  I got an important call to make."  The man snapped.

"You can call your parole officer later, you big goon!"  Sapphire snapped.  "I'm playing the guitar here!"

"Really?" The man sneered.  "It sounds like you're strangling alley cats!"

"You're just jealous because I'm a star and you're just an ignorant minimum wage monkey!  Right Phil?"  Sapphire looked at Phil.  The man turned around looked at Phil.  Phil felt his heart stop.

The man got up and walked towards Phil.  He seemed to grow bigger with every step.  Phil wanted to run but was frozen with fear; he broke into a cold sweat instead as the man stared down at him with hard brown eyes.

"You think I'm a monkey?"  The man growled.

"N-No, of course not," Phil stammered.  "You seem like quite a refined gentleman."

"Oh come on, Phil," Sapphire said, approaching the two men, "just yesterday you told me that anyone who didn't appreciate my talent probably thinks Adam Sandler is a great actor."

"Now you're knocking Adam Sandler!?"  The man yelled, getting in Phil's face.

"You'd better watch it pal," Phil said, trying to sound tough.  "I happen to be a close personal friend of the Mighty Ducks and…"

"MIGHTY DUCKS???"  The man roared, spraying Phil with whiskey-flavored spit.  "They got my brother arrested!  He's doing five years in prison!!"  He grabbed Phil by the shirt and made a fist.

"Leave him alone!"  Sapphire yelled.  She jumped on his back and wrapped her arms around his head, blocking his eyes.  The man let go of Phil and stumbled backwards, swinging wildly.  He clipped a biker on the jaw, knocking him off his stool.  The biker jumped up and shoved the man.  He crashed into a table, which caused Sapphire to let go.  The man tackled the biker, whose friends then jumped up the help him.  The man's friends at the table jumped up to help him, and a full-blown brawl broke out.

By now Phil was cowering under a table.  He desperately looked around for Sapphire but she was gone.  He quickly crawled to the front door, jumped up and ran out into the street.

A worn red pickup came screeching around the corner, stopping inches in front of Phil.  Sapphire poked her head out of the driver's side window.  "Get in!" she yelled.  Phil was quick to comply and they roared off just as a chair smashed through the bar window.

"Are you out of your mind!!?"  Phil gasped.  "What was that back there??"

"He started it," Sapphire replied, eyes flashing.  "No one disrespects me!!"

Before Phil could respond the sudden wail of a siren ripped through the night.  Phil looked in the rear view mirror.  "Oh great, it's the police," he groaned.

Sapphire hit the gas, causing the truck to lurch forward.  "What are you doing?"  Phil yelped.  "Pull over!"

"I can't!"  Sapphire replied.  "This isn't my truck.  I borrowed it from my ex-roommate."

"Borrowed?"

"Yeah…without telling her."

"This is not happening. This is not happening," Phil muttered, holding on for dear life.

Sapphire drove into downtown Anaheim, the cop car in hot pursuit.  Phil tried keep from losing his dinner as they weaved in and out of traffic, down narrow streets, through red lights.  By the time they were on the highway headed out of town several police cars had joined the chase.

"Sapphire, please stop!"  Phil begged.  "You can't outrun the cops!!"

"They have been annoyingly persistent," Sapphire replied.  "But let's see if they have the guts to follow us down the wrong way of the highway!"  With that, she jumped the divider and into oncoming traffic.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  Phil could see his life flashing before him as the cars swerved out of their way. 

"Oh, lighten up Phil," Sapphire laughed.  "My ex-boyfriend and I used to play Chicken all the time.  But then he got boring so I dumped him."

"Lucky guy," Phil said to himself.

Suddenly a large pair of headlights shone into the cab of the truck.  The blaring horn of an eighteen-wheeler rang in Phil's ears.  He shut his eyes and braced himself for impending doom.

"HANG ON!!"  Sapphire swerved sharply, missing the eighteen-wheeler by inches.  The truck spun off the road and landed in a ditch.

"Whew, that was close," Sapphire said, unbuckling her seat belt.  "Well, we'd better get out of here before the cops figure out where we are.  We can hitchhike to Mexico and lay low for a couple of weeks, okay Phil?  Phil??"

Sapphire looked over to the passenger side but it was empty.  And the door was wide open.

******************

"Has anyone heard from Phil lately?"  Duke asked the rest of the Ducks as they suited up for practice.

"Not a peep from him in days," Wildwing replied.  "Maybe he decided to take some time off and relax."

"He could be at the airport handing out flowers in a toga for all I care, as long as it keeps him out of our feathers," Mallory said.

The door swung open and Phil entered the locker room, whistling a merry tune.  His suit was rumpled and torn and he was covered in mud.  "There's my ducks!"  He said cheerily.  "Lovely day isn't it?"

"Phil, what happened to you?  Are you okay?" Nosedive asked. 

"Yeah, and where have you been the last few days?"  Duke asked.

"I'm fine.  I was hiding in the woods, just in case she was looking for me."

"Who?"  Wildwing asked.

"No one.  Never mind," Phil replied.  "I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you guys.  You nice semi-normal, somewhat law abiding guys who almost never put me in life threatening danger."  He clapped Wildwing on his shoulder.

"Uh, Phil, are you sure you're okay?  Maybe I should check you out," Tanya said.

"Nonsense.  I'm fine.  You birds have your practice.  I'll be in my office."  Phil headed for the door.  "Oh, and one more thing," he said, turning around.  "If someone named Sapphire ever shows up here, you've never heard of me."  He then opened the door and left.

The ducks stood dumfounded for a moment.

"It seems Phil has found enlightenment," Grin said.

"Or maybe he's finally snapped," Mallory said.  "I say we all chip in and send him someplace nice where he can get some rest."

"Yeah, with lots of rubber rooms," Duke sighed.

THE END