VALKOV TALA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade or any of the respective characters. Credit must be given to the brilliant authoress Diamond Mask who has been my inspiration and Theresa Green who pioneered the format of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a VALKOV TALA unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Blitzkrieg badass, read the following manual with care as misuse of the VALKOV TALA will result in the idiot owner being frozen within the grips of death then displayed on a tacky glass stand.

WARNING:The TALA unit is not suited for inexperienced or first time owners. Like seriously, you will get your ass kicked and he'll call all of his friends to laugh at you.

Technical Specifications

Name: Tala Valkov, Yuriy Ivanov if you've purchased the Japanese version. The TALA unit may respond to "Tala-kun", "Wolfie" or "Red" but don't get your hopes up. If you're really lucky your TALA unit can also be programmed to respond to "Hey Fire Crotch!" – Whether he kicks your ass or not is totally up to how much Prada and Gucci you bribe him with.

Age: 18

Place of Manufacture: Little Psychotic Bladers, Blitzkrieg Badass Division

Height: 182 cm or 5'11''

Weight: 65 kilograms or 143 lbs

Length: You'll have a howling good time!

Your TALA unit comes with the following accessories:

One skin tight blue and white jump suit complete with Biovolt patch

One Pair of Italian Leather White Snow Boots

One pair of silk Frosty the Snowman Boxers and Brief (yeah, those really are out there)

One Wolborg 4 Beyblade and Bit chip (it's only a toy but don't tell him that)

One Biovolt Utility Pouch (containing Beyblade and Rip cord to be attached to his belt)

One Beauty Therapy Kit (for hair and facial purposes)

One 'Bad Wolfie!' Correction Whistle

WARNING: unlike the RAY unit the TALA unit is completely fussy when it comes to his wardrobe. Be prepared to supply when he immediately demands that you change his entire wardrobe. Ensure that he is supplied with clothes of the latest fashion or woe (by woe the manufacturer means death) be onto the poor soul who purchased him. Remember, this unit was trained to be the ultimate assassin. Don't be a cheapskate when it could mean the difference between you waking up in the morning.

Removing your TALA unit from his box

Approach the maximum security steel containment chamber with confidence as the contents though caged can still sense fear. Don't mind the increasing drop in temperature as you move closer to the box. It is an indication that your TALA unit is still alive. You will need the open sesame keycard — which should have been delivered separately from your TALA unit containment box — before uncovering the control panel that keeps the box closed. Simply swipe the card through the port and the box should open allowing your TALA unit to calmly sashay out.

WARNING: Under no circumstances should you ever allow yourself to be fooled by the TALA unit's calm demeanor. All TALA units can switch temperament from calm to violent at the drop of a hat so be on guard with the 'Bad Wolfie!' Whistle.

While your TALA unit is busy criticizing your home decor and pretty much everything under the sun, take a deep breath and blow into the 'Bad Wolfie!' Whistle. The high pitched sound that only he can hear will startle him causing the programming port to pop open. Enter the ownership code which will ensure that he knows that he is your bitch and will never try to rob you of all your finances and/or organize a coup against you in retaliation…hopefully.

Programming

Your very own World Champion Beyblader has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximize your own benefit and pleasure:

Bodyguard: Your TALA unit has trained in the all forms of the ancient art of butt-whoop courtesy of Biovolt. Seriously, the only thing that could beat a TALA unit is well, another TALA unit or a GARLAND unit, but only at blading. With this Blitzkrieg badass by your side, you will be protected from any danger. Any threat to you will be disposed of effortlessly!

Male Model: With flawlessly smooth complexion and icy blue eyes that could stare deep into your soul; your TALA unit is a prime candidate to take the fashion world by hail storm! By renting out your unit, you can go crazy frothing at the mouth as the big bucks rolls in as he walks suggestively down the runway of every fashion Mecca from Paris to Venice. Note: do not feel guilty about pimping out your TALA – his programming ensures that he lives to wear everything fashionable from infinity to beyond.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls or deranged stalkers that decide to camp out on your lawn convulsing in waves of ecstasy as a result of you choosing this purpose for your TALA unit.

Fashion Consultant: With an eye for design and a passion for fashion your TALA unit can help you to choose flattering hair styles, makeup, jewelry, facial hair grooming, and eyewear choices as well usually to the tune of a new wardrobe for himself. Your TALA unit can also function as a high end decorating guru.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of gangsters who secretly have a HGTV fetish that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your TALA unit.

Snow Day Generator: Tired of school? Need a legitimate excuse for a free day? Simply have your TALA unit fire up a Novae Rog and voila, instant Snow Day! On a lesser scale, this function can be used to create all manner of frozen treats and frosty delights. On a greater scale, this function can result in the launch of a Third Ice Age. Please use with caution and care.

Your TALA unit will come with the following modes:

Calm (default)

Condescending (default)

Overly Dramatic (default)

Semi-Psychotic (default)

Professional Blader (default)

Fiercely Competitive (locked)

Slash (locked)

Out of Character (locked)

WARNING: Owners must be wary at all times of all of the TALA unit's modes; especially the Calm mode just about anything could be lurking under that seemingly calm facade. The Fiercely Competitive mode becomes unlocked when your TALA unit encounters a new edition of Italian Vogue. Please ensure that any and all credit cards are under lock and key with a retina scan thrown in. He will be tempted to buy everything in sight as he simply must have it.

The Out of Character mode can be accessed by confiscating all things fashionable or beyblade in the house and wait until his programming port pops open in rage. You have exactly 0.5 seconds to grab him and start programming before he kills you. If this doesn't work which we're 95% sure it won't, simply use the 'Bad Wolfie!' whistle, that is, if he hasn't gotten rid of it. The programming port should pop open allowing you to get programming (if the opposite occurs, and your unit throws a murderous bitch-fit, please refer to the FAQ…if you survive)

The Slash mode can be activated by employing the same procedure as Out of Character mode and is extremely useful and necessary to access the boy on boy action of yaoi yaoiness fangirls everywhere thrive upon because frustratingly, the TALA units are extremely picky to the point of downright refusing every and anyone should they not meet all his extremely high and irrational standards. When Slash mode has been unlocked, force him and his chosen beau into a lavish and secluded room and they should 'bond'. Under no circumstances should a TALA unit be paired with a female unit, the consequences shall be dire.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls/boys that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your TALA unit.

Relations with Other Units

WOLBORG: this biologically engineered wolf pup faithfully obeys and follows the TALA unit wherever he goes. She was handed down to the TALA unit by Biovolt to bring death and destruction by ice upon all who oppose him. Despite this undying loyalty, the TALA unit frequently trades her up for a newer model so keep that credit card on hand as the TALA unit might decide to trade you up if you don't hand over the cash.

WARNING: WOLBORG units, a toy they may be, have the potential to launch the world into the third Ice Age under the instruction of the TALA unit. We are under no circumstances responsible for the onslaught of another Ice Age should it occur as a result of the actions of idiot owners.

KUZNETSOV BRYAN: The BRYAN unit is quite useful to have around, as he looks to the TALA unit for instructions and will always try to protect him. Both should get along quite well since they have a lot in common – each is crazy in their own special way and both have a complete indifference for the lives of others.

PLEASE NOTE: All BRYAN units are notoriously possessive of TALA units. Should one make off with your TALA unit please see the FAQ. He will give him up over your dead body (and the manufacturer means overyour dead body)

WARNING: The manufacture is not responsible for any owners destroyed by unsuccessfully trying to get between a TALA unit and a BRYAN unit.

HIWATARI KAI: this unit may be a fellow member of the Blitzkrieg Boys depending on his moods and ranges from being a member of the Blitzkrieg Boys or being the captain of the Bladebreaker team once it suits him. Though emotionally frigid for most of his life, the KAI unit seems to share a certain respect for the TALA unit's mastery of makeup and may seek him out for tips on applying his shark fins in new and interesting ways.

WARNING: Deranged fangirls/boys may attempt to lure TALA units away from their owners with the help of the KAI unit only to be destroyed once the TALA unit realizes the KAI unit is oblivious to his advances. However, TALA units might relent and stay should they be tempted to aid the KAI unit in destroying TYSON units once his Backstabbing mode is unlocked.

THE OTHER BLITZKRIEG BOYS: They are the TALA unit's bitches and live to serve him.

GRANGER TYSON: The TALA unit lost his title as World Champion of blading to this unit. He despises him greatly and will take any opportunity to shank him, kick him in the nads and/or deprive him of food.

WARNING: Under no circumstances should a TYSON unit ever be left alone with a TALA unit.

SUMERAGI DAICHI: this unit is often seen as a mini doppelganger of the GRANGER TYSON unit without his skill level or the result of some genetic accident involving an array of ape genes and an energizer bunny. This unit serves no greater purpose than to perform comic relief for you and your unit.

Cleaning

Under no circumstances should TALA units ever be caught looking dirty and unsightly. As they have a tendency to spend many hours training getting sweaty yet extremely muscely and drool worthy, they require meticulous cleaning and grooming as well as a wide array of skin and hair products to keep their gorgeous red hair vibrant and silky smooth.

NOTE: while normally self reliant and fully capable of cleaning himself, your unit may forcefully demand additional attention, usually when dealing with his hair. We suggest you give it to him.

WARNING: the manufacturer will not be held responsible for any marital or relationship disputes that arise from 'cleaning' a TALA unit. How you interpret 'additional attention' is completely up to you.

Feeding

Your TALA unit will always eat enough to fill his stomach at mealtimes, never exceeding his limit as he wants to ensure that he maintains his lithe figure. He will require three balanced meals per day, with high fibre low sugar based snacks and refreshments in between meals. It is advised that you include Vitamin E supplements to maintain a smooth and unblemished complexion as well as food rich in Vitamin A to keep his eyes glossy and clear.

Note: TALA units get extremely agitated if they think that another unit gets more or better treats than he does, so it would be a good idea to give out equal portions to prevent unnecessary bloodshed.

Rest

Ensure that your TALA unit receives the maximum amount of sleep possible upon Egyptian cotton or silk sheets if possible. Cranky TALA units will most likely result in increased incidents of dead owners.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I just came home to see my TALA unit holding the manual in his hands. He then started screaming at me that his life was a lie and he's running away. HELP!

A: First, calm down. All TALA units have a penchant for being overly dramatic hence, the Overly Dramatic mode. Second, realize that he's just playing you because he's bored. Simply wave the new Gucci spring, summer, autumn or winter catalogue in his line of sight and he'll calm down. If your TALA unit still insists on running away tell him you'll alert the fangirls, he'll resent you for a week but at least he'll have something to do.

Q: I wanted to pair my new TALA unit with a HILARY unit, so I engaged the Out of Character like the manual suggested. Everything went fine until I locked him in the room with the girl, but then the sky went dark and hail stones the size of a minivan started raining down from the heavens. HELP, WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO?

A: What is it with you owners and not reading the manual? What the hell did you think would happen when you tried to pair him with a girl? You've single handedly ushered in the third Ice Age and very well doomed us all. Congratulations. What we suggest is that you get into the most submissive posture possible and weep for forgiveness; offer up the soul of your first born if you have to. If that doesn't work then you should pack your bags and move to Germany. Nothing bad ever happens there.

Q: My yaoi obsessed younger sister paired my TALA unit with her new BRYAN unit but now he won't let either of us near him. My TALA unit is too goddamn smug and way too happy about the extra attention and refuses to do anything to dissuade the BRYAN unit. Please help me.

A: This is a tough one as absolutely nothing short of death with separate a BRYAN unit from a TALA unit. Even then he'd probably follow him around from the afterlife. We recommend calmly stating to your TALA unit that the BRYAN unit will eventually try to control him wanting to monitor his every movement. You yourself know that this is highly unlikely to happen but the TALA unit's Overly Dramatic mode should kick in forcing him get paranoid and lay down the law on the BRYAN unit, hopefully in your favour.

Q: All I want is a peaceful life with my TALA, but we never get a moment of peace with all these damn fangirls/boys lurking about the place trying to rape and/or marry him. I told him to freeze the hell out of them but he just scoffed and said he was too special and couldn't be expected to dirty his hands. How can I get them to stop?

A: Yes, yes, fangirls/boys can be pesky little things but not to worry. Simply inform your TALA unit that plotting to destroy them is detracting your attention from who it should be rightfully focused on. Him. Wait until your unit realizes that the less attention you give him is the less stuff he'll likely get from you. He will be forced to acknowledge the decreasing possibility of increasing size of his wardrobe due to the vultures waiting outside and voila! Your fangirl/boy pest problem will be cleared up in no time, leaving you free to enjoy your TALA without any interference from deranged stalkers with too much time on their hands.

Q: …Umm, my TALA unit keeps running around the house in leather spandex with three knives on each of his hands. It was amusing the first two hours but it's almost been a week. He refuses to wear anything else and he keeps calling me "Bub". It's getting really annoying and people have been giving us weird looks when we go out. What should I do?

A: Leather you say? *Coughs* I mean yes; it seems your unit has been watching one too many X-men movies. Simply inform your TALA unit that he is not Wolverine. That mutant while really nice to look at is useless as he cannot access his ice powers in that mindset, he does not have Wolverine's healing ability and the wardrobe clashes horribly with his eyes. If he still insists on rocking the outfit, inform him that such attire is not conducive to attending shopping sprees he loves so much. Leather chafs. If that still doesn't work which is highly unlikely, look at the bright side, at least he's not calling you Magneto or Sabretooth and its TALA. In leather! Come on!

Troubleshooting

Problem: You came home to see your Tala unit sitting in a dark room clutching a broken Wolborg.

Solution: He probably lost to that blue haired BEGA captain. We suggest rounding up the neighbourhood BRYANS and pay the guilty GARLAND unit a visit. After that when your unit is all cheered up treat him to a relaxing warm bubble bath and a nice massage.

Problem: Your TALA unit keeps freezing your things and laughs when you tell him to stop.

Solution: Calmly explain to your unit that for every item he freezes he will lose every article of clothing he holds dear and near. That outta stop him cold.

Final Note

Your Blitzkrieg badass will grow up to be and will possess an exceptional talent and mindboggling intellect to accomplish just about anything he puts his mind to (except successfully taking over Canada, but don't tell him that). With that in mind, you will be blessed with a lifetime of fanservice courtesy of the patented VALKOV TALA© and, if bred correctly, possibly hundreds –even thousands– of genius psychotic babies. Ensure that he is well cared for after your death by entrusting him to a kind, capable and responsible friend or family member or he'll find some way of resurrecting you and making you pay dearly for it.