Disclaimer: Don't own.

Warning: Boys who love on boys. If you have a problem, don't read. Do I really need to put this in a warning? It's 2012. Love is love, y'all.

A/N: I dub this the Fail 'Verse AKA The One Where They Cuss And Talk About Getting Laid More Than Actually Getting Laid. So far AU it has its own 'verse name. Also, it's the same universe as my other story, How to Fail at Being Normal and you don't have to read it to understand this one, but reading my writing is a great way to spend the day, don't you think? Enjoy!

-BB-

How to Fail with Feelings

Max has crap taste in dudes. Like, foreal.

There was a time where Austin would cover his ears with his hands at the mere mention of Max's preferences. It was around the time they got back from Worlds and Austin and Kaylie made their relationship official even though their names were splashed around the papers long before that. Austin's friendship with Max was strained. They barely spoke. Things only seemed to get worse when Max quit gymnastics and moved out of the lake house.

Then, around Christmas, that Nicky Russo kid (Max's cousin, apparently) swooped in and gave Max a firm kick in the ass. Though Nicky couldn't turn Max off to booze entirely (he was always a masochist for aged scotch) the current Dallas TC gymnast sure as hell did more for Max than Austin was willing to at the time. Proven by their unlikely friendship, Austin respects Nicky Russo even if he is a near-mute stick in the mud that's crazy enough to let Kelly Parker enslave him. Maybe masochism is genetic.

It's been a while since then. Max is back at the lake house. Their third roommate is one Ava Tucker, Austin's little sister, who isn't really little considering Austin's dating a girl the same age as her and that'd be, well, fucking weird to consider his sister and his girlfriend little girls. Kelly Parker hangs out around the lake house, being Ava's BFF and all. Nicky sneaks away from Texas from time to time to make sure they haven't all killed each other. They're a dysfunctional lot, but they're kind of a family. Austin thinks they're closer now than ever.

But that doesn't mean Austin agrees with the dudes Max brings around the lake house. Not in the least.

…

The Stupid Male Model

"Max! Do you have any baby oil? Ugh. I probably shouldn't have eaten that burger for lunch!"

Austin resists the urge to roll his eyes at Max's friend. A part of him misses the old days when Max was so far in the closest they'd need an entire search party and missing posters just to find it. There was something almost fun about seeing Max struggle between awkward, adorable Payson and Lauren Tanner, the twenty-four/seven sex parade. Now that Max is open and exploring his ambiguous sexuality, there's a whole different type of blond he's chasing.

Apparently, eating red meat for lunch doesn't stop Max's newest interest from walking around the lake house with his shirt off. Tall and lean and chiseled with perfect, golden abs, broad shoulders and a strong, defined jaw dusted with gentle, almost invisible scruff. Physically, the guy is flawless. Austin is secure enough to admit when another dude is cut. Even the guy's nose is perfect. Seriously, who has a perfect nose like that?

The guy has come around enough for the ladies in the house to nickname him "Adonis." While the Greek god incarnate is half-naked in the living room, looking at every muscle of his abdomen in the mirror, Ava and Kelly are in the kitchen, ogling him from afar.

"You two need to get out more," Austin comments, fishing through the refrigerator.

"And why would we do that when there's a fine human specimen in our very living room?" Ava questions in this slow drawl of a voice, clearly distracted. Austin would feel like barfing if he didn't love it so much whenever his sister referred to the lake house as home. Gives him the warm and fuzzies.

"What about you?" When he can't find anything he likes, Austin shuts the refrigerator door and throws Kelly a look. "Need I remind you that you have a boyfriend?"

"Need I remind you how gay Adonis is? Nick has nothing to worry about and you have to stop being a tattletale, asshole. I swear, you make him all paranoid," Kelly says, not even caring that the guy in the next room can hear. She sits on the counter next to Ava, swinging her legs back and forth, glancing down at her cell phone. "Have I mentioned I think it's creepy how often you confide in my boyfriend?"

"You've got nothing to bitch about," Austin tells her, even though she isn't likely to stop bitching ever. She is Kelly Parker. "He always ditches me when your name comes up on the other line. You've trained him well."

So what if he talks to Nicky Russo? There's just some shit he's more comfortable telling Nicky, who's like a fucking secret safe, than say, Max or even Carter, really. Nothing personal. Then again, he might have to reconsider if there's a chance Nicky's just relaying the information to his girl. Not cool, by the way. What the fuck happened to the bro code?

"Does he tell you what we talk about?" Austin asks cautiously.

"Obviously. That's what married people do," Ava teases. She turns to her best friend and whips her chocolate brown hair over her shoulder. "So back to what you were saying earlier, you think it's okay for Nicky to check out girls as long as they're lesbians?"

"Depends. Are they hotter than me?" Kelly asks. Typical KP. Not seeing a new message from her boyfriend on her phone, Kelly's eyes narrow at Ava and then shoot over to Austin, full glare. "Why? What has Nick told you?"

Austin innocently shrugs his shoulders and Ava laughs in a slow, amused sort of way. Just then, Max comes trotting down the stairs and into the kitchen with his camera hanging around his neck. He's just come from freshening up. They can all tell with the overbearing cologne that accompanies him and fills the kitchen.

"Max, how hot are the girls at Dallas TC?" Kelly inquires. She anxiously taps the bottom of her phone against the edge of the counter she's sitting on. She's trying so hard to sound aloof and play it cool even though everyone in the room sees through it.

"They're alright," he answers half-heartedly. Obviously Max isn't the best judge when it seems he's over girls at the moment. "Look, even if they were Adriana Lima hot, which they aren't, it's Nicky you're asking about. Kelly, you've got him on a leash and apparently it stretches to Texas. No need to be insecure about it."

Oh shit. Did he really just say that to Kelly Parker? Austin would start popping the fucking popcorn if he wasn't afraid to miss a second of this. Obviously, Kelly doesn't enjoy being spoken to in that way and her immediate reaction is to pick up what's closest—a box of cereal—and throw it at Max. The box hits his shoulder and falls to the floor. Throwing random items at each other is common at the lake house.

"I was just asking, jackass," Kelly sneers. "Can you go get laid already? You're so much less of a bitch afterwards."

"Working on it." Max gives her a wink before joining his model friend in the next room, telling Adonis that they should probably get to work on this photo shoot before they lose the light. The other three all watch them go through the glass wall of the dining room, looking out at the large yard and the lake just beyond it.

"Think, KP," Ava says, resting her elbow on the gymnast's shoulder. "You're going to be related to that one day."

Kelly rolls her eyes. "I can't believe you live in the same house as that right now. I wonder, is it weird for you that he brings boys home to photograph and conquer?"

"I actually prefer it," Ava replies. She hops off the counter and goes to the freezer while both Kelly and Austin look to her with intrigue. "So, before Max came bursting out of the closet, when he was into pretty little blondes like the Rock girls, I'd get caught up in comparing and crap. But now I know it's because I don't have his type of equipment. It's more of a relief, actually. I bet Aus is more uncomfortable with it than I am."

"Me?" Austin says. "Why would you say that? Max can do whatever he wants. Why would I have a problem?" Kelly and Ava just exchange glances and start laughing. Austin huffs, not finding it funny. "What?"

"Nothing," his sister assures him, pulling out a box of ice pops. "You guys want one?"

"I want to know what you meant," he insists.

The girls trade looks again, calling upon their girly telepathic powers and having a private, silent conversation that Austin can't understand. Mr. Kobalt has asked Max if being gay means he has some elevated insight into how girls work. Max just called him an ass for even thinking to ask that and then confessed that he's just as in the dark when it comes to the female mind.

"Because, Aus, when we were kids I kissed Max purely to get it out of the way and to be up to par with the other girls at the gym," Ava says, waving her cherry ice pop as she talks. "But you. You used to be his Adonis like, months ago. Do I need to spell awkward?"

Ava tilts her chin down, making her eyes seem even bigger than they already are, as she gives him a look that requests permission to continue. Honestly, Austin doesn't know if he wants her to spell it out for him. Maybe all that shit stays less real when it's in their heads and not spoken.

Suddenly, Kelly's phone chirps, breaking Austin's silent contemplation. Her lips tug in the biggest smile, which can only mean one thing—Nicky. Kelly hops off the counter and takes her phone into the next room.

"Hey!" Austin shouts after her. "Tell Russo that Austin says I love you, y'know, since Kelly won't!"

Kelly turns around long enough to flip him off, a personal message from her to him. Austin laughs at his own handiwork and Ava shakes her head, but can't hide that she's entertained. Austin grins to himself and goes to the freezer for his own ice pop. Grape is his favorite no matter what anyone fucking says. It's fucking awesome is what it is.

They all go on, content with how that potentially sensitive conversation ended so abruptly. Dropping conversations like that is also common at the lake house.

…

"So, when's the next shoot with Adonis?" Austin asks. He sits in the passenger seat of Max's Jeep, drumming his fingertips against his knee. Austin usually likes to be the one driving unless he's drunk and in that case KP usually plays designated driver because her body is a temple and all that shit and Ava barely got her license by the skin of her teeth. Now, he isn't drunk, but he doesn't know where they're going either.

"I've been meaning to ask," Max says. "Why do you guys call him that?"

Austin shrugs his shoulders. "It's funny?"

It also happens to be appropriate given the model's Greek god-like features, but Austin isn't about to admit that.

"I don't think we'll be seeing much of him anymore," Max says. He pulls off the main road and starts following a dirt path, making Austin even more fucking anxious than before.

"Really? What happened?"

Max laughs lightly as he parks the car. "You don't care."

"C'mon, Max. I thought we're cool? We can talk about this stuff like we used to. Tell me. What'd he do?" Austin asks, unbuckling his seat belt and flinging it off. As he pulls on the latch of the door, Austin smirks at his longtime friend. "Do you want me to beat him up for you?"

What? He's always wanted to do that for his sister and, yeah, Max isn't his sister, that'd be weird considering Max totally kissed on the lips, but the opportunity to beat on another dude for hurting someone he cares about isn't an offer Austin's about to pass up. Max shakes his head, mostly indifferent, as he gets out of the Jeep and slams the door after him. Austin does the same and rounds the front, waiting for Max's answer.

"It's nothing," he assures Austin. "It isn't like either of us were looking for a long-term thing and we both knew it from the start. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what that's like. Plus, he was pretty to look at, sure…but he was kind of a space case."

"Kind of?" Austin laughs out loud. Max shoves him in the shoulder and starts walking toward a little house across a dirt field. It only takes Austin two giant steps to catch up with him. "Kind of? Max, that guy asked me how to work the toaster. The coffee machine I can understand, but the toaster? There's a lever. You press it down. End of story."

"Like you haven't been quote-unquote 'involved' with a model who had the IQ of a potato."

"Guilty," Austin confesses. "So what are we doing out here in the middle of nowhere? This is really starting to feel like the opening of a low-budget horror movie."

"There's this guy who's been using a 1959 VW bus as a storage shed and now he's selling it. I e-mailed him and made an offer. I think I can use it as a prop and get some cool pictures. You wouldn't mind it in the yard, would you?"

"As long as I don't ever have to hear you complain about how I don't support your art." Of course, Austin puts finger-quotes around art and Max rams into him with his shoulder. "You know, I ditched lunch with Kaylie to be here right now."

"Should I say sorry or you're welcome?" Max asks. He's quick to move out of Austin's reach when he tries to smack him. "You're the biggest car jock I know. I thought you'd get a kick out of it. Plus, I met this guy on Craigslist. I thought I'd drag you to check it out with me incase I need a strong, masculine man-man to protect me."

Austin chuckles. "Dude, you're so gay."

Max glares, but it doesn't last long, dissolving into his usual, easy smile. "Get used to it, Aus."

Austin smiles to let him know that he's starting to slowly accept it more and more every day.

…

The Stupid Gay Club Guy

"She drives me up the effing wall, I swear." Ava engages in her favorite pastime, bitching about her favorite subject: Kaylie Cruz. "Her dating my brother doesn't mean we're automatically friends or something. If anything, having any remote interest in my brother is already strike one. It's like every time we're in the same room she feels the need to turn it into group therapy all over again, saying she understands me and she's there if I want to talk. I don't know what she did in rehab, bake cakes and finger paint, but that place was hell for me with those girls and their stupid smoke porch. The last thing I need is Bambi Eyes reminding me every ten seconds."

"Ava, you won't even give her a chance," Austin says sharply.

Ava narrows her eyes at her brother sitting opposite to her. "Well, maybe if she wasn't so goddamn perky all the time it'd be easier to not walk out of a room right when she walks in."

"V, simmer," Kelly says from beside her. Some girl with short, styled hair, wearing a blazer over a vest and slacks, gives Kelly a nod and a wink. In response, the girl looks away and shifts a little closer to Ava, who's loudly fuming in a crowded place, essentially cockblocking herself. Not that Ava would be looking. They are at a gay club in downtown Denver.

"I don't want to simmer." Ava pouts and the relation to Austin is so much clearer. "She talks to me like I'm a twelve-year-old who needs her hand held twenty-four/seven, mere seconds away from shoving my finger down my throat."

"You do act like it sometimes," Austin points out. He really is pushing it tonight. Austin knows Ava is harmless; lots and lots of bark, no bite.

"What, Austin? Like I'm going to shove my finger down my throat?" Ava asks as if a challenge. Her eyes move away from her brother and glaze over with something like nostalgia. "Never. I used to get into fights with those girls, remember? The ones who'd purge, I'd look them straight in the face and call them weak."

Sometimes Austin is convinced she says shit like that to try and make him feel like an asshole. Then he really feels like an asshole for making it all about him.

Though he can see when his sister is coming from, Austin likes Kaylie. There's nothing wrong with Kaylie. It's just that Ava doesn't want to try, something that's becoming another pastime of hers. If Kelly Parker can be friends with Kaylie then he doesn't see why Ava can't. Ava and Kaylie have things in common. They're the same age and they both love gymnastics and suffered through similar shit because of it. They're practically twins. Wait, then the fact that Austin is dating her…shit, that's weird.

"Hey, can we not do this right now? V, leave it," Kelly says, soft yet firm. She slides her arm through Ava's and that's as affectionate as those two get. "I'd rather go back to talking about Austin and Kaylie." She gives Austin a look that lets him know she's going to make his life hell for bringing up bad memories for her bestie. "I was under the impression that when you date someone you actually spend time with them apart from making out in secret at the Rock."

"Are you suggesting I should have brought Kaylie here?" Austin laughs. "No way. She doesn't have a fake and she has a curfew—"

"Screw that." Ava scoffs. "The owner tries to smack your ass every time we walk in, Aus. It'd be cake to get her in."

"Why don't you like your girlfriend hanging out with us?" Kelly asks.

Moments like this, Austin misses Nicky. Sometimes it feels like the girls double team him for entertainment. If Nicky were here he'd keep Kelly distracted (probably with her tongue in his mouth and his hand up her skirt) and still manages to back Austin up. Nicky would probably make a great wingman. Not that they'd know since Austin hasn't played the field in forever now. That's why he agrees to go to these gay clubs and bars. Less temptation.

"It's getting late," Austin says, glancing at his wrist even though he isn't wearing a watch. Damn it. Smooth. "Say, KP, isn't it about that time where you sneak off and have phone sex with your boy?"

"You think I'm about to get him off in a bathroom stall at the Rainbow Lounge? Ew. He's watching documentaries on Netflix right now and I'm supposed to call him to say goodnight when we get back to the lake house," Kelly says.

Jesus Christ. They're that couple who knows what the other is doing every fucking second of every fucking day. Fuck. Thank God Kaylie and him aren't like that.

Suddenly, Ava huffs, a sign she's bored. "Austin, stop trying to change the subject."

Austin sighs loudly. "You complain when I invite Kaylie, you complain when I don't. I give up."

"She just grinds my gears sometimes," Ava says, crossing one leg over the other.

"Speaking of grinding," Kelly murmurs, directing their attention to the dance floor.

Beneath the flashing strobe lights, right on the edge of the sweat pit, Max dances close to some dude. Apparently, Max's type isn't obviously gay. Austin wouldn't be able to tell if not for the way the stranger eyes out Max. If that guy were looking at Kaylie the way he's looking at Max, there'd be trouble. Austin has to force himself not to grimace the longer he watches. That definitely isn't how Max was dancing with Lauren at the Denver exhibition.

"Why does he like guys like that?" Austin blurts out.

"You mean, hot guys?" Ava asks. From the look on her face, her gaydar is just as weak as Austin's. Maybe it's a Tucker thing. Even their dad was surprised when he found out about their butcher having a boyfriend and after ten years of talking Broncos and brisket.

"Just look at 'im. And Adonis and all Max's other male model flings. They all look like…guys," Austin says. He really isn't articulating this well, but he's sorta scarred by the image of his childhood friend all up on some dude. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He just isn't used to seeing it. "Like, they could be straight if they wanted to."

Kelly laughs. "There was so much wrong with everything you just said."

Austin sips his beer, trying to straighten out his thoughts. "What I meant was—"

"No, stop. You'll just make it worse," Ava says. "Everyone has a certain preference. We all like what we like. I can't exactly say because I'm not, well, gay, but I'm pretty sure if I was, I'd be more into the Portia de Rossi than the, well, Ellen DeGeneres."

"Jesus, Ava," Austin curses. "One step too far there. Two words: mental images."

"You have to admit it was a nice illustration," Kelly says. "And I don't think it's a matter of wanting to be gay or not. If that were true, Max would be in some boring, stable relationship with Payson Keeler and I'd be on the phone with Nick right now as you'd all play Monopoly or something equally as not-a-gay-club back at the lake house. But, no, all this gets him off."

Austin sees what she's saying. Kaylie and Payson would so force them into playing Monopoly and sober too. Just because he can't help himself, Austin looks back over at the dance floor as the muscular, dark-skinned guy tries to kiss Max, who coyly turns away, but smiles. Already, Austin doesn't think they're right for each other. Maybe a one-night hook-up, but he can't picture this guy hanging out with them on lazy Sunday afternoons by the lake.

When Kelly awkwardly evades some brave girl who looks scarily like Justin Bieber (but built) and asks if she can buy the gymnast a drink, Ava and Austin have the loudest, longest laugh of their lives. Kelly is quick to bitch them out and decides it's time to leave. Austin goes to tell Max, but he says he'll just catch a ride with his new friend—Cass. What the fuck kinda name is that? Seriously. Ass is in his name. Strike two.

That night, Austin doesn't get much sleep, tossing and turning in bed, but it can't be connected to the fact that Max doesn't come home. It just can't.

…

Kaylie is great. She's sweet and cute and flawed like everyone should be, but not totally damaged goods either. Plus, Austin tried to save her and now she's stronger. You know what they say about saving a person's life, do it once and you become responsible for them. Or maybe he just got that from Vertigo. Damn. Hitchcock films make him think of his parents. Crap, maybe he shouldn't be thinking about his parents while making out with his girlfriend.

"Austin," Kaylie murmurs between kisses to his neck, the first few buttons of his shirt undone. Some shitty movie ("Yeah, babe, we can watch whatever you want") is playing, but obviously they aren't paying attention. "Austin, is something wrong?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Kaylie pulls away so she can see his face. "I don't know. You seem distracted."

"Just some stuff I've been thinking about. It's not important." Austin brings his large hand to her small face and kisses her lips. He starts to move her down to the couch and she lets him.

They haven't slept together yet. They haven't even gotten to third base, barely second. He copped a feel once and she giggled and slapped him away, but that totally counts. As far as the baseball-sex metaphor goes, Austin Tucker is known for his home runs (easy shit), Grand Slams (fuck yeah, that shit went down!), triple plays and extra innings. For some reason, he doesn't mind slowing it down with Kaylie. She's young and fairly inexperienced (Carter got out on first and Nicky was the last one up to bat before Austin L-O-L) and that's cool. It's just new to him, going from total line drives to walking the bases.

Just as he's ready to try to inch his way from first to second, his palm sliding across her soft, smooth skin, the front door loudly opens and slams shut even louder. Kaylie quickly pushes him away. And he's out!

Sighing, Austin sits up, telling himself that it's cool. His head wasn't in the right place anyways. It was bound to stop sooner or later. He looks over the couch to see who it is. His money is on Ava. That kid is the Cockblock MVP.

"Tuckers, why is it so dark in here?" Max asks. Pausing in the doorway, he sees Austin and Kaylie on the couch, both disheveled, and comes to a sudden stop. "This was your date night, right? That's why when I asked V if she had plans she said she was visiting home for the weekend. Shit. I'm sorry, guys. It totally slipped my mind."

"It's fine," Kaylie says sweetly. She fixes her powder pink cardigan on her shoulders and smoothes down a few flyaway strands of hair. "Max, are you alright?"

Max looks alarmed she'd even ask.

"Yeah, man," Austin joins in, just as concerned. "What happened to your date with Cass?"

Max smiles, which seems entirely inappropriate given the situation, but then Austin realizes he called the guy by his actual name. (Well, nickname, but what-the-fuck-ever.) Austin only ever refers to Cass as the Slut from the Rainbow Lounge. Fuck it. He slipped up. Austin gives Max a look and the photographer nearly laughs. All of it flies right over Kaylie's head, of course.

"That was the plan, but things didn't go so well," Max says. He looks down at his shoes, so sad. "I won't bother you with the details. I'll just…I'll be down in my dark room. Sorry again."

Before either Austin or Kaylie can interject and call him back to talk about feelings (he really wouldn't be surprised if Kaylie tried) Max quickly walks into the kitchen. They hear the glass door open over the sounds from the TV and shut as he goes outside. Austin stares after him even though Max is long gone, not even realizing how he's dug his fingers into the couch over the course of that conversation.

"You should go check on him," Kaylie suggests, patting his knee.

"You think?"

"Yeah, did you see him? Whoever she is, she hurt him."

Austin's face twists in confusion and he's ready to correct her, but seals his lips and nods. Sometimes he forgets that none of the Rock girls know about Max. That was the one thing Max asked when he moved back in. He wanted to leave the past in the past. Once they're buried, there's no use digging up corpses. That's what Max's relationships with Payson and Lauren are. Dead.

After kissing the side of Kaylie's face and murmuring a, "you the best, babe," Austin stands from the couch and goes out back. He breathes in the cool lakeside air and walks down the stone steps that lead into the lake house cellar, Max's art cave. All his photography stuff is out, but untouched. Max sits on a stool near his workspace, looking so sad.

Grabbing a nearby barstool, Austin sits next to Max and asks, "So what happened?"

Max lifts his brows and turns to Austin, startled by the sound of his voice. "What are you doing? You're missing A Walk to Remember. It's a good movie." Max laughs like everything is fine, but Austin doesn't give in. Nope. Not convinced. "I would know."

"I want to know what happened," Austin says.

Sighing, Max runs the front of his hand down his face and mutters, "Cass is an asshole."

Austin scowls. "Haven't I been saying that since day one?"

Max laughs weakly, but it sounds more like he meant it. "You think you can do me a favor? Next time I try to get involved with an asshole, can you please shake me and say, Max, you're about to get involved with an asshole. I could really use that."

"Oh, so now I'm allowed to have an opinion on the dudes you date?"

Max smiles at him. "Well, you are my best friend."

Austin smiles back because they are. They've known each other since they were young. Ironically, they met through Nicky. Austin remembers it well. Max was this snotty little kid from New York, visiting Colorado and teasing Nicky, saying gymnastics was for girls. Overhearing it and already a cocky little punk, Austin went over, did a double back and challenged Max do better. That's where the respect was born—the Little Gym of Boulder.

When he realizes the eye contact and smiles stretched on a little long, Austin quickly looks away and scratches the back of his head. "You know, Kaylie assumed Cass is a she."

Max laughs. Austin smiles again. Finally, a real laugh that time. "Keeping secrets from your girlfriend? That's the mark of a promising relationship right there."

"It isn't exactly my secret to tell."

"True," Max says, rocking back in his chair a bit. "I don't know. I think I'd rather Payson and Lauren remember me how I was. It's not like we hang out or even see each other anymore, not really. If they find out, no doubt they're going to be confused and embarrassed over throwing themselves at a boy who kisses boys. I just thought I'd spare them, you know? But don't let it screw things up with Kaylie. By all means, if you think it's best…"

"That's the thing," Austin muses. "Apart from the obvious—my sister hates her—hanging out would require her knowing and she won't keep that from her friends. It's asking for drama, you know? The way we are, you and me, Ava and Kelly, Russo when he's in town, we're all pretty fucked up individually, but together, it works, you know? Why ruin a good thing?"

"You sure that's the only reason?" Max asks. Austin thinks Max may be trying to do the telepathic conversation thing, but they aren't tuned to the same frequency and Austin doesn't really get what he's trying to say. A moment later, Max laughs like the thought was stupid in the first place and Austin finds himself wondering what it was. "I, uh, I think it's sort of cool that you care about how it'd affect Ava and me. Austin Tucker being considerate. Wow."

"And don't you forget it," Austin says with a smirk. "Anyways, Kaylie's curfew is at eleven on weekends so you can come upstairs in maybe like an hour."

"That fast?"

"Dude, shut up," Austin says playfully, standing from his seat. "Like you said, Cass was an ass. I don't want to see you moping around or any of that other depressing shit, okay?"

"You know me, Aus. I always bounce back."

Austin clasps Max's shoulder and gives it a comforting squeeze before he starts for the stairs and goes back to his girlfriend.

…

Blondie

It's a universal truth that everyone is in a better mood when Nicky visits, especially Kelly. She actually smiles and shit and acts like less of a bitch (sorta) and more like a girl in love with her boy-pet-love-slave. It's way fucking creepy, but it's a nice change of pace too.

At his arrival, they decide to throw a party at the lake house and they say it's for Nicky's homecoming, but turns out, he only knows, well, them. The rest are Austin's usual randoms looking for free booze. At least they (just Ava actually, she has a lot of free time on her hands) make him a banner that says, "Welcome Home, Nicky!" and Max and Austin hang it in the foyer while Kelly barks at them that it's crooked. She literally makes them "fix it" three times even though Ava insists it looks the same every time.

The atmosphere in the house is a weird one. Kaylie and Austin are fighting about stupid things. Her dad still doesn't like him and Austin is tired of trying. Alex thinks Austin is trouble. In turn, Austin rubs it in that he's a Red Sox fan. Kaylie calls Austin out for always having to make things worse by needing to have the last say and Austin straight up tells her that her dad is a jerk. Without thinking, Austin says, "I don't know what your mom saw in that guy. No wonder they're divorced." Needless to say, Kaylie is pissed and won't be attending.

It's cool though because all Austin wants to do is chill with his friends. Nicky and Kelly need somewhere private to molest each other, Max is between relationships (which they're all shocked about) and Ava is always in need of entertainment. They come to the general consensus that a party is an all-purpose cure. They're young. It's a Saturday night. Why not?

"The one time I come home and Max isn't dating a guy? I've never seen him with a boyfriend before. Then again, after all the stories I've heard from you guys maybe I should consider it luck," Nicky says. He sits back on the couch with his arm around Kelly, her legs across his lap. She smiles at him, can't stop, gently playing with his hair, making it messier than it already is.

"That's unacceptable, Russo," Ava says from the loveseat. "You need to be initiated."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Nicky asks apprehensively.

"Walking in on Max and insert-name-here goin' at it," Austin replies. Nicky's face crinkles before he raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "Dude, I swear. Weight room."

"Kitchen," Ava says, raising her hand as if at school.

"Bathroom," Kelly says with a groan. "They were in the shower so I didn't see anything, but still. Someone needs to get on fixing that bathroom lock."

Austin would fix it if he weren't so lazy. When he isn't at the Rock, all he wants to do is lie around and watch Top Gear or Cupcake Wars. "Hey, V, you aren't doing shit with your life. Why don't you fix it?"

"Sure, I'll get on that," Ava says sarcastically. Well, that's a hell no.

Kelly shifts closer to her boyfriend and Nicky turns to look at her. His smile is automatic as he leans close enough for their noses to touch. The sound of Austin and Ava continuing to bicker mixes in with the party sounds before fading out completely. Of course those two can manage to have a private moment in such a public place. "Miss me?" Nicky asks.

"No," Kelly says, clearly lying. She tilts her chin down, away from him, gently biting her lip in a failed attempt to resist smiling. "Just annoyed that you left me here with the Tucker Two and Maxi-pad."

"You know you love them," Nicky teases.

"Not nearly as much as I love when you kiss me," she says quietly. Nicky gently presses his lips to hers and Kelly leans into him, curling her arm around his neck and bringing them closer.

Austin shakes his head at Crazy Couple, but smiles too. Nicky and Kelly and their fucking PDA. It's ridiculous that those two get the most action in the lake house and neither of them even friggin' live here. What's with that?

"Hey, Nick—kay! Nick—kay!"

And here comes drunk, stumbling Max. Jeez. What's with that kid? Looks like he's trying to steal Ava's title as Cockblock MVP.

"Nicky! I'm friggin' trying to talk to you, man! Stop kissing her for a sec, will ya?" Drunken Max is also Demanding Max. He collapses on the couch next to Nicky, shaking his cousin's arm, trying to get his attention. "Nicky Russo! Attention please!"

Nicky peeks an eye open and starts to pull away, but Kelly reacts quickly, sitting up and bringing her hand to his cheek, guiding his mouth back to hers. Kelly Parker is nothing if not determined. It demands respect. Obviously, Nicky is the type that's turned on when he's yanked around and gives in to her, ignoring Max and kissing Kelly deeply, sliding his hand up her thigh.

"Kelly!" Max shouts irritably. He's already at the childlike giddy-but-can-easily-turn-to-a-tantrum stage of drinking and it's barely even midnight. For a guy who drinks so much and so regularly, Max get trashed quick. "Kelly, stop kissing him!"

Because she's Kelly fucking Parker, she calls the shots and says when they're done making out. When she finally pulls away, giving them both a moment to catch their breath, Kelly glares at Max, who glares right back. "What?" she shouts back.

"Nicky," Max says, very serious once all eyes are on him. "I. Met. A girl."

Kelly scowls and sits back against the arm of the couch, grabbing Nicky's wrist and curling his arm tighter around her. "Let me guess," Nicky says, "she's blonde?"

Max's eyes widen. "How did you know?"

Kelly and Ava don't hesitate to show their irritation from the déjà vu while Nicky shares in Austin's amusement because they both laugh. What is with Max and fucking blondes? When will the kid ever learn?

"Wanna meet her?" Max asks. "Maybe it'll work this time."

"Nah, you go ahead," Nicky says, eager to get back to his impatient girlfriend. Plus, no one really cares who this girl is. They already know it's doomed to end on a disastrous note.

"You should go buy her a drink. That'll really impress her," Austin playfully suggests.

"Yeah, thanks, Aus. I should." Max gets up and walks away with that specific type of determination that comes from drinking. He wobbles a bit, but then gets his footing and pushes his way through the crowd before completely disappearing.

"Jeez. I thought he was over this bisexual back-and-forth seesaw," Ava comments.

"I think he is," Austin says. "But then again, it's Max. If someone initiates, he isn't going to say no." That explains Max's little flirtation with Lauren in the easiest way possible. "It probably doesn't help that he's drunk."

Ava hums. "Seems like Maxi-pad's been soaking up the tequila."

Austin snorts, nearly choking on his beer. "You just don't know when's too far, do you? Ava, I'm too visual of a person for your…what did KP call them?" Austin turns to ask and sees Nicky and Kelly and their shameless open-mouth kisses. She's even like pulling his hair and shit. "Again, visuals. Why don't you two get a room? Literally. And not mine."

"Not mine either," Ava pipes in. "Might as well rename the Bone Room the Nickelly Love Nest."

Nicky's forehead crinkles in confusion. "Wait, you call the spare room the Bone Room?"

Kelly rolls her eyes. "They put a sign on the door and everything."

"In this rental market? You can't have a room just for boning. It isn't economically efficient," Nicky scolds. Who says things like that? Nicky Russo is such a fucking nerd. Screw Dallas. He should just give that shit up and come home for good.

"We aren't getting a fourth roommate, that's for sure. You're lucky we even have the Bone Room," Austin says. "If not, you two would be doing it in the back of your car parked on the side of the road somewhere. Jesus. Where's the gratitude these days?"

"Just because you aren't getting laid tonight doesn't give you a right to hate on people who are. Fine. We can take a hint when we aren't wanted. Nick, let's go," Kelly says, quickly standing and dragging her boy with her. Nicky pauses long enough to wave at the Tuckers, a little dazed and red, but with a grin. Austin lifts his beer in a sort of salute, watching as Nicky wraps his arms around Kelly from behind and they make their way to the stairs.

"And then there were two," Austin says. He extends his arm and holds out his beer, clinking it against Ava's plastic water bottle.

…

"GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND!"

Fuck. Austin steps out of the kitchen for ten seconds and all hell breaks loose. None of them went overboard with the alcohol, (well, except Max) so Sunday morning starts out nice and quiet. Austin and Nicky cook breakfast while Kelly and Ava reluctantly starting tossing all the stray cups and partygoers' leftovers into the trash. Right when Austin's about to check the driveway for the Sunday paper, Kelly Parker's war cry steals his attention.

"I'm sorry!" shouts Stranger Girl. She has glitter all over her and her blonde hair had been in a braid, but has partially come apart. "He looked like Max from behind!"

Ah, Max's blonde hook-up friend. Poor girl. The excuse doesn't satisfy Kelly at all.

"Maybe you should keep your little whore hands to yourself until you know for sure!" Kelly screams. She approaches Blondie, but then Nicky catches her by the waits and holds her back.

"Kelly, do you need to scream? Your voice somehow reaches this high-pitch siren-level and my head already hurts as is," Max says as he walks into the kitchen, moving like a zombie. Eyes drooping, pale as a ghost, he weaves right through the danger zone, right between Blondie and Kelly, going to the refrigerator. "Do we have juice?"

"Max!" Kelly shouts. Everyone knows she does it just because he suggests she shouldn't. "I wouldn't be yelling right now if you fucked a girl who wasn't too stupid to find the door on her own the morning after." Kelly turns her glare back on Blondie. "You. Leave. Now."

"But—"

"I'd listen to KP if I were you," Ava interrupts with mock sympathy. "For safety reasons."

"I'll walk you out," Max says gently. The poor girl looks like a doe after getting slammed by the Kelly Parker Mobile. Max gently takes Blondie by the arm and escorts her to the door.

Once they're safely gone, Nicky laughs. "Little whore hands? Really, Parks?"

"Shut up." Kelly's wearing one of Nicky's hoodies and playfully smacks him with the oversize sleeve. "And why did you let her touch you?"

"She jumped me from behind while I was looking through the refrigerator."

"Yeah, uh-huh. Sure."

Nicky pulls Kelly closer and says something about how he shouldn't be rewarding her scarily possessive behavior. Kelly rolls her eyes and draws him down to kiss her. Ava smiles to herself as she lugs a trash bag into the dining room, starting to clean up in there while Austin hangs back, standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Paper," Max says, coming up next to him. Max fished out the sports section and hands it to Austin, who always calls dibs. Austin's right about to thank him when he sees the soft look on Max's face, watching Nicky and Kelly from afar.

"Thanks," Austin says.

"It's kind of weird, right? How happy they make each other," Max says softly. Surely he'd be embarrassed if either Nicky or Kelly overheard. "I mean, not weird in a bad way, but weird because they're both so bad when it comes to people skills and yet they're the most functional when it comes to being in a relationship." Max laughs. "Kind of makes me envy them."

Austin furrows his brows, confused. "I thought you hate Nicky and Kelly together?"

"I don't hate them together. I think their relationship is unnatural and makes no sense whatsoever and I'm sure one of them is going to fuck it all up one day and we're all going to suffer because of it, but…just look at them." Max nods to the kitchen where Nicky has her backed up against the counter, his hands on either side of Kelly as she plays with the zipper of his jacket. They just smile at each other, not saying anything at all. "They're happy. They make each other happy. I wouldn't mind having that with someone."

Austin agrees. Eventually, he wants the same. Then he remembers Kaylie and feels odd about it all and needs to make a joke to lighten the mood even if it is just for his own sake.

"Maybe that's the secret to staying in love," Austin proposes. "Only seeing each other a few days every two months or so."

Max laughs aloud. One of his most endearing qualities is how he isn't too grumpy when hungover unlike Nicky and Kelly (Mr. and Mrs. Lightweight) who moan and groan and bitch at everything that moves.

"Why are we standing around?" Max asks. "Get in there and cook me breakfast, bitch."

"Wait, I'm going to leave you with a little advice, Max," Austin says. "No more blondes, alright? Blondes and assholes, you need to steer clear off."

Max shakes his head. "I'm doing my best."

…

Austin doesn't mind the gay bars and clubs as much as he thought he would. At first he was super sensitive and jumpy, a little paranoid that all the dudes were picturing him with his clothes off, slick with baby oil and glitter, with a glow stick necklace around his neck. But things change with time. Now it's a little flattering when he gets invites for a blowjob in a bathroom stall. Plus, it's fucking hilarious when the butch ones try to hit on Kelly, who in turn clings to Ava, who's like, gtfo, bitch. Quality entertainment.

"I should have stayed home," his sister grumbles.

Ava and that damn raincloud. That's why Austin forces her out of the lake house. To combat her boredom, she downs a shot like a fucking Tucker. Sometimes Austin wonders if he should be regulating that shit. It's been two years since she was diagnosed with anorexia and she only relapsed once, right after rehab. He remembers all that family therapy crap and how they warned them about her possibly trying to self-medicate and turn to substance abuse.

She's just a normal kid now, Austin tells himself, despite all the facts and shit that say anorexia never goes away. He gets that, baggage like that doesn't just go away, but a shot won't hurt. Ava hardly ever gets wasted out of principle (watching alcohol affect their family, namely Austin and their dad) and she hates the taste. Austin won't sit by and watch her reach the point of needing her stomach pumped, but he won't stop her from taking a few either. She's already had so much of her power stripped away so Austin gives her what he can.

"What are we doing here?" Ava questions.

"Brother-sister bonding."

"Well, this isn't exactly Chuck E. Cheese. I'll admit it's a nice thought. I know I spend a lot of time with Kelly, but…" Ava turns to her brother, feeling a sentimental moment coming on, but then she realizes Austin isn't even paying attention to her. Ava follows his gaze and sees Max at the bar with his boyish smile in action, working the bartender. "Aussie, you're creepy."

"What does he think he's doing?" Austin asks, ignoring her. "Someone needs to tell him to stop. If Max fucks things up with Rex, it's going to make things weird around here."

"Weird things around the gay bar? Shocking." Ava lazily stares at her brother with her cheek propped up against her palm. "Austin, do you like Max?"

"No, I let him live with us because I can't stand him," Austin says, trying too hard to joke.

Unconvinced, Ava walks over to sit next to her brother. "You like him."

Austin scowls. "Ava, don't be ridiculous."

"You hate all the guys he dates."

"I'd hate all the guys you date too," he counters. "If you dated."

"Tucker curse," she says, neatly crossing her legs. "Mom and dad are happily married for twenty-plus years, suck the pot o' gold dry and us kids get screwed in that department." As Austin reaches for another shot, Ava continues to stare at him with her intrusive eyes. "Where does Kaylie think you are right now?"

"I don't know. Home?"

"Writing her handwritten poetry by candlelight?" Ava teases while Austin licks the liquor from his lips. "Hmm, I've figured you out, brother. You're all about the chase."

"Debunked," Austin says quickly. "I got the girl, 'member?"

"That's how the fairytale ends, but life goes on, 'member?" she says. Only slightly mocking him. "And real life tends to get boring, doesn't it? Let's see. Boy hits on girl. Girl turns boy down repeatedly. Boy needs to make girl his and boy succeeds. Hooray! All the village people cheer. Boy stays in relationship because it's easy."

"Funny," Austin says dryly. "You done?"

"Not quite," Ave says. She continues, "Bored, boy remembers Boy #2, who chased Boy and now is boning other, really hot gay boys. Boy gets jealous and so, the chase begins again. Who needs reality television when I have all this going down in my own house?"

"This is where I cut you off, sis," Austin says. He tosses back the last shot. "Ready to leave?"

"I was the moment we walked in." Ava holds her hand out, repeatedly opening and closing her hand. "Cough up the keys. You can't drive."

"Like hell I'm letting you drive," he says protectively. Austin scratches the back of his head. "KP usually designated drives. Maybe we should've thought this through better."

With everything Ava just said, Austin really doesn't want to look over to Max, but when he can't think of a better option, Austin glances over, hoping he hasn't gone off with some guy yet, and Ava laughs. "Austin, you are the Cockblock MVP."

"No. We're being smart," Austin says firmly. Ava laughs again, moving her fingers through her dark hair. "Ava, go get him." He tosses his keys at his sister and she easily catches them.

"See, but now you're suppressing it."

"Ava."

"Love you, bro," she says before staggering to her feet and going over to the Max.

Groaning, Austin rubs his hand over his face. Thanks to the ever-loving Little Tuck he's going to be thinking about this all night. Why he surrounds himself with girls who are such mindfucks is beyond him.

…

The Austin Clone

The night of Lauren Tanner's costume party is when everything changes. To Austin, at least, it's a change for the worst.

First of all, why is Lauren Tanner even throwing a costume party? The official reason is her birthday, but everyone figures it's so she can dress up like a slut and surround herself with people to make her feel normal and loved and all that other shit Lauren wishes for on stars instead of going out and getting it in a respectable way. Max isn't invited, but they sneak him in anyways. The right costume and it'll be golden.

"Get the fuck away from me, Max!" Kelly shouts. She isn't showing any skin at all, opting for all black and leather—Catwoman—something her nerd boy would appreciate if he were here. Just to piss her off, Max lunges for her and Kelly nearly crushes his toes with her stiletto heel.

"Ouch! Ah—ouch!" Max stumbles away from the girl with the cat ears and mask, probably glaring at her beneath his Jason Halloween mask. "Jesus, Kelly!"

"You were asking for that one," Ava reminds him. Hands down she wins the award for more unoriginal costume in the history of costumes—a witch.

"She didn't have to yell or swear at me," Max argues. "Why do you swear all the time?"

"Um, maybe because you grabbed me, wearing your freaky ass mask. I'd accuse you of rape if I didn't know about your affinity for penis," Kelly replies. She can't see Max's grin, but expects it and socks him in the arm. Shit. It's like they're already related.

"It's so nice to see you two bonding," Austin says, making both Kelly and Max shift away from each other. Austin wanted to just take his shirt off and say he's one of the wolves from Twilight (his girlfriend's favorite movie, no, foreal), but instead he chose Tom Cruise from Top Gun. Badass. "Hey, remember, we're all supposed to call him by his codename. Dick Hopper."

Ava laughs every time. "It's funny because it's true."

They walk to the front door of the Tanner house where music can be heard from inside. When Lauren answers the door, she looks skimpy as fuck. She's totally emulating some character from some eighties teen movie, but y'know slutty.

"Hey, everyone!" Lauren shouts enthusiastically. Ava's already turned off, ready to walk back to the car. "Austin, Kaylie's waiting for you. You are going to love her costume."

"What is it? The virgin Mary?" Ava asks. Kelly elbows her. "What? It's funny because it's true."

"And who might your plus one be, behind the mask?" Lauren asks. She looks right at Max, hiding behind that mask, tilting her head to the side with curiosity. "Nicky Russo, maybe?"

"You kidding?" Austin laughs, slinging his arm around Max's neck and hanging on. "If Russo was with us, Kelly would guarantee have him in some lame, matching costumes. This is Dick. He's Ava's boy."

"Hmm, yeah," Ava says loftily. "I think he cheats on me with boys, though."

Kelly tries to elbow her again, but Ava moves away, still with the quick reflexes of her gymnastics days, giving them a devious smile. They all hear it in their heads. It's funny because it's true.

"Anyways," Kelly says. "Nice outfit, Tanner. Happy birthday."

"Thanks." Lauren smiles a smile that isn't completely genuine, but isn't completely fake either. She's still stuck between accepting Kelly Parker because Kaylie accepts her and distrusting her like her instincts tell her to. "Well, come in. Enjoy."

Everything seems like the set of a teen soap opera during Halloween or some shit. There's even a fucking punch bowl. And an ice sculpture, but that must be the Tanner touch. It definitely doesn't measure up to one of Austin's parties. That's for sure.

They immediately go their separate ways, Kelly and Ava off somewhere, probably to go make fun of random people and Max to boy hunt or girl hunt, whatever the fuck he's into today. Austin spends most of the party with Kaylie and her friends. She gives him this disapproving look when he asks where they're stashing the alcohol. Shit, yeah, he's heard about the keg stand incident and it sucks it brought her some trauma and being with Kaylie makes him better, makes him want to be good, but he still likes his liquor.

Austin Tucker and alcohol have a special relationship. He isn't dependent. He isn't an alcoholic. It enhances his image and calms his nerves. Alcohol got him through his freak out in Beijing and it got him through family therapy when Ava was in rehab. Booze is his buddy that he likes to hang out with sometimes. Being denied access to the liquor makes Austin a tad bit grumpy.

When his sister runs over, Austin jumps at the opportunity. They weave through the crowd, following Ava and her flowing black witch outfit. They meet Kelly, standing by the ice sculpture made to look like Lauren and she's (surprise) texting on her phone.

"So Kaylie was a pretty pink princess. Very original," Ava says to her brother.

"You're one to talk," Austin shoots back. "What are we looking at?"

Ava nods across the way to where Max is, not wearing his mask, a gutsy bastard asking for trouble. With his flirty smile on, Max leans into this guy, who's very tall and lean with a nice tan and short dark hair. He also happens to be dressed like a fighter pilot, much like Austin.

"Who's the guy?" Austin questions.

"Who cares," Kelly replies. "Creepy, right? Now we really know his type."

Austin doesn't like the implication and narrows his eyes, looking from Ava to Kelly, both smiling sweetly in reply. Those two should have dressed up as the eels from the Little Mermaid. "Is this it?" Austin asks coldly. "I gotta get back to Kaylie."

Ava raises an eyebrow at her brother. "You aren't weirded out by this?"

"Doesn't matter," Austin says. "Not like it'll last."

Austin plasters on a smile and ruffles his sister's hair, making her smack him hard in retaliation. Before he rejoins Kaylie and the other Rock girls, Austin stops by the patio, where they're distributing liquor on the sly. It doesn't bother him, seeing Max with a dude who looks like him. No way. He could just really use a beer.

…

The Austin Clone who turns into The One Who Doesn't Leave

Austin gets used to Max dating a string of jerks, but then Travis Ames, the fighter pilot from Lauren's birthday party, comes along and sticks around.

It doesn't help that the others love Travis. Just like all the other guys Max has dated, Travis is masculine, but also has an acute sense of style and a love for clothes that quickly wins over the girls. Him and Kelly have similar taste in music and him and Ava have similar taste in books. When Travis isn't around to hang out, the girls always tell Max to invite him and Austin doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to come off as an ass.

Travis is in a band that plays little, intimate shows at a coffee shop in Denver and Max begs them to go. He even tells Austin to invite Kaylie. Austin is skeptical about the invitation, but Max rationalizes that since he found someone he's happy with that Austin shouldn't sacrifice time with Kaylie just to make other people happy. Max is in that stupid, reckless phase of infatuation and truthfully, it makes Austin feel weird. But he invites Kaylie anyways.

The musician sits with his acoustic guitar on the makeshift stage and plays his music, singing softly. It's the kind of shit that the audience sways to and everyone (except Austin it seems) eats it up. After they play a set, the next performer sets up and Travis spends some time with his band before joining them.

"Travis, you know everyone," Max says. "Oh, actually, this is Kaylie, Austin's girlfriend."

"Girlfriend, huh?" Travis says playfully. Austin bristles and Kaylie briefly glances his way, but then Travis extends his hand and Kaylie shakes it in a hello.

"Was there any question about it? What are you implying, Travis?" Austin asks gruffly, curling his arm around his girlfriend and pulling her to sit tight at his side. Both Ava and Kelly shoot him warning glares while Max is too busy smiling at Travis to notice.

"Anyways," Kaylie says. "You were amazing up there."

Travis gives her his winning smile. "Thanks."

"Kaylie is a singer/songwriter herself," Kelly speaks up. Kaylie's eyes widen and she'd probably reach over to smack her fellow gymnast if Kelly wasn't sitting so far away and Austin wasn't holding Kaylie so tight. "What? Don't even try to deny it. Kaylie here recorded a duet with Damon Young."

"The Damon Young?" Travis lifts both his dark brows. "Wow, that's impressive. Is he as cool as he seems?"

"Even cooler," Kaylie says with a nostalgic smile.

"Hey, babe, you wanna get out of here?" Austin asks Kaylie.

"No, don't leave now." Surprisingly, it's Ava. She does her best to control her smile, loving the overall awkwardness of it all. "We're all getting to know each other. Isn't that what you said, Aus? That we should all get to know each other?"

"So," Travis says. "Of the whole six songs we played, tell me at least one of them didn't suck."

"I thought they were all amazing," Kaylie says, because, you know, she's an expert on hipster music and all. "I liked the second song best. Not knowing. Chasing. Racing through the gray…"

"Till I find your face. Till we find a place. To exist," Travis says, excited someone was actually listening to his music. "That's one of the most personal songs I've written. It's about a relationship no one else gets. I actually wrote it for this guy I know…"

"Ava, does it look like Max is blushing?" Kelly asks, seizing the moment to tease him. Knowing Max would do the same thing to her makes it almost too easy.

Ava hums softly. "I'd say so. Definitely more lobster than Casper."

"You guys suck," Max says, playfully narrowing his eyes at the girls. Grinning, Travis tries to put his arm around Max, but the photographer knocks it away. "And, for the record, three out of six of those songs were written about ex-girlfriends."

Travis laughs such a loud, rich laugh. The sound goes great with his perfect smile. "What can I say? Gender isn't really a factor to me. I fall in love with people, not blue or pink blankets."

Max smiles at him. "I like that."

This is the most couple-y Max has ever been with a dude and it's weird to see him out of chase mode. Austin doesn't say anything for the rest of the coffeehouse chill time. They decide to order takeout from their favorite vegan place for dinner and bring it back to the lake house for a quiet night in. Austin and Kaylie volunteer to pick up the food while the others pile into Max's Jeep to head home and fight over what movie to watch. Austin's so wrapped up in his thoughts as he gets into his car that he doesn't even notice how tense Kaylie is.

"So is Max…"

"Gay?" Austin asks for her. "Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

Austin shrugs his shoulders. "Didn't you hear them in there? Gender isn't a factor."

"Is this like a new phase he's going through?"

Austin thinks about Drunk Max Confession Hour. He's the king of the over-sharing. Kissed his first girl when he was ten and liked it. Got his first hand job when he was twelve in a movie theater from a boy, also liked it. A guy gave him his first blowjob and no girl has been able to top it. He lost his virginity to a sweet girl in Texas and got caught fucking a fellow male gymnast, which got him kicked out of Texas and brought him to Colorado. TM-fucking-I.

"No, it's something he's dealt with…or been going through all his life," Austin says. He scratches the back of his head and drums his fingers against the steering wheel. "This isn't something we should even be talking about."

"How am I supposed to break this to Lauren and Payson?"

"Easy. You aren't."

"Austin, they deserve to know."

"No, they don't," he says strongly. "What's it to them that Max sometimes likes girls and sometimes likes guys? Whatever he had with either of them is ancient history. Telling them is just going to rehash old, bad feelings, and there's no need to get either of them worked up. Leave the past in the past, Kaylie."

"They're my friends. You want me to keep this from my friends?" Kaylie asks. "Then again, your answer is obvious with how long you've apparently known and didn't tell me."

Austin groans, so tempted to bang his forehead against the wheel. "This isn't about you or your friends, Kaylie. This is about Max. He's my best friend. I'm sorry if, I don't know, you're offended I didn't tell you, but with the flack I got from Ava after turning her into the poster child for anorexia the way I did, I'm not about to do that with Max and his sexuality. You know, part of me thinks she still hasn't completely forgiven me for that."

"I never asked you to tell me about your sister," Kaylie says, getting worked up, Cruz blood starting to boil. "You couldn't stop telling me about her and what she went through."

"And I learned my lesson," he says. "So can we stop talking about this?"

Apparently, the answer is no with how Kaylie narrows her eyes at him. "This isn't even about Max or Ava right now. It's about you and me. Just knowing that you kept something from me makes me wonder what else you've been keeping from me."

Groaning, Austin rubs his hand down his face. "Now what's that supposed to mean?"

"What are we even doing? Are we a couple? Because sometimes I don't even know."

"Yes, we are."

"Do you love me?" Kaylie asks in this direct yet broken voice. Austin pauses, doesn't know what to say. He barely knows what he's supposed to think. "Because we've been saying we're a couple even longer than Nicky and Kelly and even they've said I love you."

"Nicky and Kelly also bang like rabbits and only see each other once every few months," Austin says. He doesn't mind sharing that. It's practically common knowledge with how those two have stopped caring what anyone else even thinks a long time ago. Kaylie turns away because he's bringing up the sex thing, the virgin thing, and it's a sensitive topic with her. "You can't compare us to Nicky and Kelly."

"Because they're happy and we…"

Austin frowns and takes her hand. "Kay…"

"I don't think I can stay for dinner," she says, staring straight forward, past the windshield and out into space. "Can you just bring me home?"

Austin doesn't know how to say I love you. He can say it, but he doesn't know if he means it and he knows that saying it without meaning it is just going to hurt more in the long run than his silence now. Austin doesn't know what to say so he just starts the engine and drives. It's silent up until his car is in the driveway and the porch light turns on. No doubt Alex Cruz is watching from one of the many windows of the castle.

"I'll call you," Austin says. Kaylie doesn't respond as she tugs the door open. "Wait, Kaylie…" She pauses a moment once she's out of the car and gives him one last lingering look. "You aren't going to tell anyone about Max, are you?"

Kaylie doesn't respond, just slams the passenger door shut and walks herself to the door.

…

With the way he's fighting with Kaylie, the last thing Austin friggin' needs is to be hanging around in Couple Town with Max and Travis, Nicky and Kelly. He has a shitty way of dealing with his feelings and stuff so he turns all his negative feelings on hating Max's new boyfriend.

"Dude, you're staring," Nicky points out. He picks up a pizza crust from the nearly empty pizza pan at the center of the table and tosses it at Austin. Kelly laughs, sitting close to her boyfriend, while Austin blinks, picks the pizza crust off his shirt and takes a bite out of it.

"Kaylie's waiting for you to call, you know," Kelly says. She doesn't even hint, just flat-out tells him. "It's ironic. Her dad thought you two being together would be a distraction, but you avoiding her like the plague is what's really screwing with her. Instead, you seem a bit preoccupied with trying to execute Max's boyfriend with your eyes alone."

Gnawing on pizza crust that's more like cardboard, Austin groans. "Not talking about that."

"Fine," Nicky says. "Let's talk about your issues with Travis."

Austin shrugs his shoulders, sitting back in his seat. "I just don't like him. Simple as that."

Nicky and Kelly do a little synchronized head movements, exchange these infuriatingly knowing looks before turning their eyes on Austin. He feels the judgment and wishes he didn't care even though he does.

"Quit it," Austin says, kicking at Nicky's sneakers with the toe of his leather shoe. "No one says anything when Ava goes on a rampage just because Kaylie wears a little too much pink and tries to relate to her. I'm not even saying anything about the guy and Mom and Dad are shaking their heads at me."

"That's a different thing entirely," Nicky says. "Kaylie is like cotton candy and Ava is…"

"Sugar free black licorice," Kelly says.

"That." Nicky nods. Kelly grins, glad to help, and Nicky smiles at her like she just read his mind or something equally as lame. They're so in love it's nauseating. No wonder Ava decided not to tag along to this trip to the Pizza Shack. "Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that Ava and Kaylie, they're like magnets that repel. That's just how it is."

"But you and Travis are pretty much the same person," Kelly says bluntly. She's way more amused about this than anyone should be. "He's like an openly gay version of you, minus all the qualities that make you a douche."

"What Kelly means is that it just seems like you two would get along because you have so much in common," Nicky says. "You sorta look alike, work out a lot and even have an unhealthy attachment to motor vehicles."

"Travis has a motorcycle that he named too," Kelly reminds them.

"Yeah, Michelangelo. How gay is that?" Austin scoffs.

"He named it after the ninja turtle, not the artist," Nicky says. "Don't take this the wrong way, Tuck, we aren't hating on you or whatever. It's just that Max is starting to notice how you aren't exactly a fan and he really does like this guy and everyone else likes him too."

"Why?" Austin asks, sounding almost angry. "What does everyone like about this guy?"

"Let's see." Kelly holds out her hand, ready to tick off her fingers. "Travis is hot, he drives you drunken assholes around so I don't have to play designated driver anymore and when him and Max have their little sleepovers, they take it over to his place so no one has had to accidentally walk in on all that."

"And he makes Max happy," Nicky says simply. Kelly mumbles about how she was going to name that one next and Nicky laughs, knowing that isn't true. While they go into couple mode, Austin slouches in his seat and looks to the arcade area where Max and Travis are playing with the pinball machine. He just doesn't like the guy and doesn't see the point in pretending.

"If Kaylie is cotton candy and Ava is black licorice, what am I?" Kelly asks Nicky.

"Warheads," he answers without missing a beat. Kelly glares, slapping Nicky's shoulder. Nicky wraps his arms around her despite the way she wrinkles her nose at him. "I was addicted to Warheads as a kid. They start out sour and end up sweet," Nicky says with that just-for-Parks smile. Kelly smiles back in that way that almost makes you forget that she's a total bitch most of the time.

Austin leans across the table with his jaw in his hands, shamelessly watching them bask in their couple bliss. "Aww, that answer deserves a kiss," Austin teases. "Kiss your boy, KP."

"Shut up," Kelly snaps, waving him off. "You can go back to stalking Max and Travis now."

Austin scoffs, but Kelly and Nicky don't really care, too distracted with how she strokes his cheek and kisses him. They're so gross to be around, but a tiny part of him recognizes that it's cute too. Being around Nicky and Kelly reminds Austin of being around his parents except with Mama and Papa Tucker there's less groping and public spit exchange. Still, the way they look at each other is inspiring. Does Austin look at Kaylie that way?

Though he desperately ignores it, his gaze has a way of shifting back to Max.

…

Austin has to give Travis some credit. The guy has guts.

"Do you have a problem with me?" Travis asks. The question comes out of nowhere. Austin is digging through the freezer, knowing Ava hides all the cherry ice pops and there's no more grape and he really isn't feeling yellow, which is always the only one left and no one even knows what fucking flavor it's supposed to be. When Austin turns around to face his doppelganger, Travis looks him straight in the eye. Gutsy.

"I have no idea what you mean," Austin says, playing dumb. He settles for the yellow ice pop and shuts the freezer door, leaning back against it. "Anything else I can help you with?"

"I mean, it's just, I always notice you, well, staring at me," Travis says. He laughs, trying to make the moment less awkward. He really is an Austin clone. "And it's either you really don't like me or you're doing that straight guy thing where you can't acknowledge your feelings so you use the caveman testosterone card and choose fake rage."

Travis smiles, lighthearted, but Austin doesn't find it funny.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a problem," Austin says, tearing through the wrapper and aggressively biting into the yellow ice pop. "I wouldn't waste my time. Not like you're going to be around much longer."

"What's that supposed to mean? Did Max say something to you?"

"No," Austin replies. "I'm just saying I wouldn't expect it to last. They never do with Max."

"I'm not like whatever other guys you might be referring to," Travis says strongly. He stands a bit taller and all Austin sees is a clown putting on a show. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Tell yourself whatever you like, man."

The two dark-haired men with drool worthy tans stare each other down. Austin finishes off his ice pop, just gnawing on the leftover stick while Travis gives him I wanna kick your ass eyes. Austin smirks. Knowing that he can get to people is always sickly satisfying.

"Hey, Trav, there's this art show coming to Denver, Emotive and Automotives. We should check it out," Max says, walking in. He has a big smile on his face, but it's completely wiped away when he sees his boyfriend and his best friend. "Is something wrong?"

"No. That sounds great. I'll, uh, I'll just get the grill fired up." Travis leans in and kisses Max on the cheek, making the photographer smile. It isn't quite up to par with the way Kelly smiles when Nicky does something sweet, but it's close enough to make Austin nervous. Travis grabs the tray of steaks on the counter and makes his way out to the patio.

"What's going on?" Max asks. Austin shrugs it off, tosses the popsicle stick into the trash.

"Forget it. It's nothing," Austin says, painting on a smirk. "Now go cook me dinner, bitch."

Austin starts to walk into the next room, but Max grabs his arm to stop him. Despite the way they joke about Max being helpless and frail and Austin being a Neanderthal, Max knows how to step up and take charge when need be. He doesn't let Austin escape that easily.

"Aus, be real with me."

"Let's face it, Max, you don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships," Austin says. He laughs a little, not at Max, but at the fact that he's saying this to Max. He always thought he'd be giving this speech to Ava. "There are the stupid model guys, the musicians, the guys from the club, CU transfers who major in Gothic Poetry. What is that?" Austin laughs. "It's like you're tasting free samples at Baskin Robins."

"So what?"

"So I'm sorry if I refuse to get comfortable around this guy when he'll be out the door any day now. You can date him or whatever, but don't expect me and him to be BFFs."

"So it isn't Travis you have a problem with, it's me."

Austin's face crumbles, a mixture of disbelief and confusion. "No. I don't have a problem with you. I'm just sayin'. I mean, do you really expect it to go anywhere him?"

"Fine. In your expert opinion, Austin, who do you suggest I go for, huh?" Max asks. His voice rises in answer, but before Austin can tell him to stop getting upset over this, that they're just talking, Max venomously hisses, "The stupid, arrogant, hyper macho gymnast type?"

Austin had been ready with a comeback, but it washes away when he hears the implication and doesn't like it, Max stares, trying to unravel him with just those dark eyes and Austin tries to muster up all the anger in him. Anger is good. It's easy. It's the first line of defense.

"Don't flatter yourself, Spence."

"I don't find this flattering at all. My best friend hates my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't want to hang around the house because he can tell my best friend hates him. I. Hate. This." Max takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, curling his fingers in his hair. "Why? Can't you tell I like him? I really, really do, Aus. He's so great and I'm happy for once in a long time. Why can't you just be happy that I'm happy?"

"Because I'm not happy!" Austin shouts. Shit. He feels like he's back in therapy. "Because I…because you…" Austin throws up his hands, feeling so much and not knowing how to express it. He can't express it. Whether it's because he's a Tucker or a dude, what-the-fuck-ever, it's true. "Because I used to be your Adonis…"

Austin leans back against the kitchen counter and folds his arms over his chest. It becomes a different type of silence, less like two dogs on opposite sides, about to kill each other, more like an audience of people staring at a boy with stage fright, pitying him. A guy like Austin Tucker doesn't take to pity well, not when he's so accustom to adoration.

"What are you trying to say, Aus?" Max asks.

He doesn't know what he's trying to say. He doesn't know what he's doing. It isn't like he wants to be with Max because, no, he doesn't. That isn't how they work. It isn't them. It's weird because they've known each other all their lives and they both have reputations of screwing chicks like tequila-soaked sluts and the idea of being naked and touching each other is just…no. But Austin lets himself entertain the idea of how one kiss can change everything. That night before Worlds, it changed everything for the worst, but maybe now, with how things have changed…no. He can't think that way. Instead of giving into the honesty, he gives into the defeat.

"No. Nothing. Forget it. I'll be cool for now on," Austin mutters. He clears his throat, staring at Max's ugly shoes. "Things have been off with Kaylie lately and I might have been taking it out on your boy. I'm sorry. If you want I'll even take Ava to see a movie or something and you two can have the whole house to yourselves for a couple hours."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah." Austin forces a smile. "I'll just…go grab Little Tuck and we'll get out of your way."

"Austin," Max calls out, but Austin can't bring himself to face him anymore. Austin just pauses there in the doorway with his back to his best friend. "Thanks, man."

"It's all good, bro." When he finally collects himself enough, Austin smirks at Max from over his shoulder. "I'm happy you're happy…even if it's with a guy who Mother Kelly and Father Nicky actually approve of. What's with that, Maxi? You're supposed to bring home guys the family hates. Shake things up around here."

"I think you've got that covered with Kaylie and all," Max says. "Joking aside, I'm sure you two will work it out, Austin."

"Yeah, I hope so."

With a wave, Austin walks into the next room and presses his back to the wall, listening as Max takes the back door and goes out to meet his boyfriend out by the grill. Austin knocks the back of his head against the wall, not know what he's feeling or doing, if he just did the right thing or if he made the biggest mistake of his life. Emotions, man. Fuck 'em.

Austin grabs his keys and interrupts Ava's reading time to take her to a shitty movie. They pay too fucking much to watch the damn thing in 3D and end up dating loudly complaining to each other about how 3D so isn't worth it and fuck no are they recycling the 3D glasses, they're taking them home for that ticket price. After that godawful thing is over, the siblings visit their parents for dinner, and it almost takes his mind off of Max.

When they get back to the lake house, as much as Austin wants to find Max alone, picking up the pieces after a break up, Max and Travis are getting ready to go out for the night. The next day, Austin takes Lolita to buy some pretty flowers and asks Kaylie for a second chance.

-BB-

A/N: I don't know why everyone pairs Austin with everyone aside from the fact that he's the only hot guy that we know of still on the show. Confession: I dislike Show!Austin. He's controlling and annoying and his leather jacket is ugly. That's why FF is fun. I got into his head to see why he's an ass. Fail 'Verse Austin is an ass too, but more broken and broody and even sympathetic.

Anyways, I fucking love this 'verse! It's so fractured and fucked up and they cuss a lot, which is fun. I'm working on another for this series where Kelly freaks out about the long distance relationship thing and ends up kissing another dude and it throws the entire universe into whack. In this Fail, we got to see Austin looking in on Nickelly and thinking they're the perfect couple, when, seriously, those two are so insecure it's cray. Fun stuff.

So, what'd you think? Should the boys have ended up together or is this just how things need to be? It is called the Fail 'Verse for a reason. Do you think Austin and Max could have a future as more than bros? Should I write it?

Review.

xoxo

© Ava Tucker - Romance Novel