Chapter 19

Sam was almost home, but there was one place he needed to go first. He parked in the nearly empty lot. Tom's car was parked near the building next to another, possibly owned by the church secretary. He got out and stared up at the roof. The sanctuary was square, the roof angling up to a flat top, and a steeple made of four beams towered over it. On the tip, a bronze cross and dove kept sentinel over the grounds. He and Yvette had been bringing the children there on a regular basis. She was the one with the faith and the desire to bring their kids up right, but he was just along for the ride. He believed that there was something bigger than them; however, as he came out relatively unscathed from one situation after another, he began to see that there was more to it.

Becoming friends with the pastor of this church wasn't something he set out to do. They were just neighbors until Pam and Yvette got together. Somewhere along the line he and Tom forged a bond, and when Sam needed someone to talk to about his conscience being at war with what he did, there was only one person he could trust more than his own wife: Pastor Tom. And in this situation, he was the only one he could turn to. He didn't have an appointment, but as long as Tom was there and he wasn't in the middle of something, no doubt his door would be wide open for him.

"Sam, you're back!" Tom got out of his seat and greeted him at the threshold with a handshake and a friendly slap on the back. "Did everything work out?"

"Yes, we got our man. It was pretty anti-climactic compared to some of our other missions, but it's kind of nice to have an operation end without too much blood being spilled. At least this time nobody on our team got hit." He laughed nervously as Tom ushered him inside and closed the door.

"Have a seat, Sam. I know you didn't just come by to say hello," Tom said as he moved around his desk, grabbed his office chair, and rolled it to the front where Sam took a seat in a comfortable chair. "There used to be two of those in my office. The other one broke, so I'm making do here."

"No problem," Sam replied and crossed his ankle over his knee in an attempt to be casual. But he knew his anxiety was written on his face. Tom was too good a counselor to not see it.

"Have you been home yet?"

"No." Sam hesitated. "I had to come see you first, to talk about what happened. While I was on this operation." He shook his head. "Now I can't tell you the details of what it was about, just that it involved me...and a woman..."

"Oh. Well, why don't you tell me what your clearance allows you to reveal, and we'll go from there?"

Sam told him all the details of Bella's seduction and how he felt all the while he resisted. He hung his head as he talked about when they kissed and touched, and all the shame and unfulfilled desire came rushing back at him again. Finally, he raised his head, and said, "When Eve came to help with this mission, it made me forget about what I'd done. But now...I don't feel like I deserve to go home to her."

"You said she forgave you. Isn't that correct?"

"Yes, she did! But...I can't forgive myself."

Tom smiled sympathetically. "You know, Sam, that is one of the things about us humans. We have such a hard time forgiving, and when we do, it seems easier to forgive others than ourselves. Yvette has forgiven you, and as long as you've asked God for forgiveness, the slate is wiped clean. You just have to give yourself that gift."

"Sometimes I think about everything, I mean, just about every nasty thing I've ever done, and I find it hard to believe that it can be wiped away." He snapped his fingers. "Just like that." He paused, glanced out the window briefly, and returned his attention to Tom. "Eve forgave me so easily, it was almost too good to be true. In my line of work, you learn to be wary of things that seem to come too easily, because the people who offer them are either psychopathic or there's some kind of snare lurking underneath."

"It's not a light burden you carry, Sam, but you don't have to haul it alone."

"I know. I'm working on that, I really am. I guess I'm just not quite there yet." He gave Tom a crooked smile. "So what do I do for now? I need some peace of mind about what I did to get the job done."

"Just work on it every day, forgive yourself over and over. Let yourself believe that you're worthy of your wife's forgiveness and eventually you'll be able to move past it." He paused. "I suspect that as you live day by day with her, you'll get over it."

"You're probably right. I guess I should just go home now. I really missed my family." He sighed and stood. "You know, this is the first mission I've come back from where I've truly felt that? Before, I was always going home to an empty apartment, or a woman I was involved with, and it never felt like this. With or without company, it was so empty."

"Well then, you better get home." Tom smiled. "I'm sure Yvette and the kids are dying to see you."

"Well, I just saw Eve this morning, before everything closed up."

"I know, but I'm sure she'll still be really glad to see you home."

"Yeah. Thanks, Tom." Sam stood and offered his hand, and when Tom took it, he gave him a quick embrace. "You're a great friend."

"Always glad to be there, Sam. Take care."

After Sam got in the car and drove the short distance home, he felt a lightness in his chest, as if something had been lifted from him. As long as he kept thinking about his family and how much he loved them, and they loved him, he could get over this bump in the road of his life.

He drove past the front of the house before turning the corner, and he slowed down to take a good look at it. The Craftsman style home was similar to what they had before with the full porch on the front. Instead of stucco siding, it was a buttery yellow vinyl siding with dark green trim that brightened up the corner lot. The upstairs windows ran nearly the width of the house and gave them a great view of the sunset, which at that moment was beginning to beat against the panes and shine down into his eyes. He turned the corner, parked in the driveway, and turned off the car. As he walked the new sidewalk to the back door, he saw his kids playing in the back yard. Samuel rode a swing balancing on his stomach, but when he saw Sam, he quickly tipped himself off of it. The swing came back and nearly hit him in the head, but Samuel was faster. He ducked and ran toward his father.

"Daaaady! Daaaady!"

Esperanza turned from her efforts to climb up the slide. Her eyes grew wide as she slipped down to the bottom. "Daddy! You're home!" She leaped off the slide and ran to him.

His vision clouded. Sam held out his arms and caught his children as they tumbled into him, setting him off balance. He took a step back, knelt on the grass, and didn't care about the stains on his pants. He couldn't get enough of them as he held them close.

"I missed you two so much," he said with a voice full of emotion. Kissing them, he said, "I love you so much! And I love your Mommy so much."

"Their Mommy loves you too, Sam."

He turned his head and saw Yvette standing nearby with tears in her eyes. He reached out for her, and she knelt down with them, holding them all together. "Sam, try not to take another assignment like that again."

"I'm done with the CIA, sweetheart. Pearce knows that was my last mission. I'm not going anywhere if there's anything I can do to prevent it!"

"Thank God, because home's just not the same without you. Welcome home, honey."

"It's really good to be back, Eve. Believe me."

He held them for a few more minutes until he realized that they were giving Mrs. Petersen a strange show. But he looked up at her staring through her kitchen window, and he was surprised to see a genuine smile on her face. He smiled back, waved, and stood. "Okay kids, let's go inside and see what Mommy's made for dinner, huh?" He carried Samuel over his shoulder, took Espie's hand, and followed Yvette inside. His small bag could stay in the car for later. He had more pressing business to take care of: being with his family.