"I'm sorry..." I whisper as I sit, feeling my legs and bum go numb from the cold ground. You don't reply. I mean, how could you? But I wish you could.

"I mean it. I know I've said it many times before, for many different reasons but..." I choke and am suddenly unable to finish my sentence. I don't know if there even was an ending buried in there really, I just felt like I had to explain myself to you.
Not that I ever needed to explain myself to you, you always seemed to know what was going on in my head, even when I acted like I couldn't stand you, you always had the knack for knowing how I was feeling.

Was that why you never got really upset when I was mean?

It doesn't matter now. None of it matters now. You are the only thing that matters.

I reach out, but catch myself in mid-air and withdraw. I can't do that. I lost that right when I ran away from you, and I know I did.

I should have stayed. If you could, I know you would tell me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. You were the one who said I could never see the silver lining, only ever the clouds.

"Oh come on!" You giggled as I pranced up and down your living room, doing a mock catwalk in some of your clothing.
"You can do better than that!" I sighed, throwing myself down next to you, feeling defeated.

"No I can't." I said, in almost a whisper.

"Please." Your voice was softer now, not as teasing. You had slipped so easily into being sincere. You could do that within a heartbeat, and sometimes it scared me.
"You can do anything you want. It's just... well, you can never see the silver lining, only ever the clouds." You smiled that bright smile and I had to hold myself back to stop myself from kissing you. No matter how open you were, I had the feeling that doing that would freak you out. Instead, I offered a weak smile in return and patted your knee.

"Your turn"

My weak smile is in place now as I remember.

"Would you have freaked...?" I ask, still unsure of myself. I internally berate myself. Of course you wouldn't have. It wasn't in your nature. I was stupid. I am stupid. I let you go... I didn't mean to.
"I'm sorry..." I repeat. I don't know why I am so compelled to continue apologising. You hate me apologising to you. You tell me it's unnecessary and I am forgiven before the act is fully completed.

But have you forgiven me?
I wish you could tell me.

Could I have done anything? Changed anything? An internal voice screams no at me, it sounds like your voice, would you believe. Well I suppose you are my voice of reason. But there is another voice, one that sounds like my mother, your family, our friends, that is screaming quietly, telling me what their eye's say every time I see them. Yes! You could have done something! You could have not ran! You could have stayed! You could have held on tight and not let go!

But who's to say that it would have worked?

"I mean, surely..." I mutter quietly, shifting slightly to ease the numbness of my lower half.

"I miss you..." I tell you, almost reaching out again, my bare thread of self control so very close to snapping. I can feel the silence surrounding me, pressing down on me, pressing my guilt and loneliness harder against my already bruised and battered heart, seemingly determined to press it into complete submission to their pain.
I use what is left of my strength to push back. It's not long anyway, so I think I can hold them off for just a little bit.

"Why did you go?" I ask, surprising even myself at the words. I don't expect an answer, but it feels good to ask.
"I'm sorry..." I apologise once more, and I can feel myself beginning to fight for my breath. I try taking a few deep breaths, calming ones. But it isn't really working all that well. But I don't really care anymore. Memories begin to flow over me, not flashing but... washing, like waves. I don't stop on any particular one, until it reaches that one. Then I force it to halt as I remember again.

You were singing. That was nothing new. And you were dancing, so neither was that. But you were naked. And that was new. I blinked, and then remembered a few hours earlier, before I had fallen asleep. I turned bright red and fought off the rising heat within other parts of my body. Instead, I tuned into what you were singing.

"I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me
You'll give Faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice
To sit it out or Dance.
I hope you dance."

I smile, remembering how both me and you had sang that to Beth when I was pregnant with her. You had been there for me during that time, and I was grateful.

However right now, I was scared. Completely terrified. Everything was going to change. And I couldn't do that. So I made my decision and feigned waking up, alerting you. You span round with a bright smile on your face, which crumpled once you looked at me. I had fixed my hardest ice-glare on you, and even though my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I forced the words out with the correct amount of fake venom behind them, praying that you wouldn't see through this like you did with everything else.

"What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do. To. Me?" I growled at you, standing up and pulling my clothes on. You stammered and stuttered, clearly trying to figure out where my sudden mood flip had come from.
"I am not a freak! Not like you and your... Family." I spat that last word out almost as if it left a nasty taste in my mouth. I could hardly bear the look on your face, you looked like you were shattering into tiny little fragments, and I hated that it was me that was causing you that pain.

I wanted nothing more than to rush to you and wrap you in my arms, say I was sorry and hold you close, but I couldn't. Things couldn't change. They just couldn't. Change was bad, any change, and I didn't want to deal with the repercussions, on both of us, if I admitted my feelings for you.

"Never come near me again."

Those five words sealed your fate. Five little words, on their own, harmless, put together in that way, their power was devastating.

I lift your note, the one that was scrunched in my hand until now, and un-scrumple it, holding it at eye level so that I could read it.

Dear Quinn.

I know you probably don't appreciate mail from a freak. Especially not one who tried to turn you into a freak, but I thought you deserved to know. I will never be in your way again. These past few weeks, since that afternoon, have been hell.

Apparently it wasn't enough for you to just crush me in private. You had to crush me in public too, telling everyone I was a lesbian slut who came onto you.
We both know that you were lying.
And I forgive you.

I shouldn't, but I do.
I'll always forgive you Quinn.

And I understand, but I can't do it anymore. I can't live with the torture anymore.
And I don't just mean at school, I don't mean the rumours and accusations and slushies. I can deal with those.
I mean the torture of it being you.

So this is the end.

I love you Quinn, and I think I always have.
Goodbye.

Rachel

Underneath her name, she had drawn her little gold star, which was now blurred, due to the amount of tears I had shed onto this letter.

I could feel myself going cold, but at the same time, I was burning up, I could almost feel the flames. I was going to hell.

I was a gay murderer, who had a child out of wedlock, and was now committing suicide. There was no way I was getting into Gods kingdom.

"I'm sorry...Rachel" I whisper one last time as I slip away into the night.

"You are forgiven. You are always forgiven Quinn, even before the act is fully completed."

"I love you too Rachel..."

SBHNH: I was down... yeah... that is my only excuse for this...
The song is:
I hope you dance - By Lee Ann Womack
You should listen to it, it is a beautiful song.

Reviews turn my world around. No joke.