A fill from the Tiger and Bunny Anon Meme. Prompt: Tomoe, following around Kotetsu with her cute angel wings, explains her thoughts on Barnaby and Kotetsu's sexual endeavors...while watching.

Rated M for implied sexual content.

You know that some couples make "cheat lists" of all the celebrities their spouse will permit them to cheat with because they're just so damn sexy and no one can blame them for it, and the chances of ever meeting said celebrities are so astoundingly low that it's actually fun to talk about cheating with them?

Kotetsu and I never did that. But I think it's an interesting concept, especially why it's okay to fantasize about celebrities and not people you actually know. It'd obviously cross the line if I told Kotetsu "I'd like to have sex with Antonio," because he and Antonio are friends, and since I saw and talked with Antonio regularly, there'd actually be a chance of adultery. (Side note, no thanks. He has more hair than me. In different places.) But if I say, "I'd like to have sex with Shawn Spencer, movie star extraordinaire" then that's fine, because how the hell am I ever going to meet Shawn Spencer, let alone convince him to sleep with me? (Side note again, no thanks. Did you see The Blade, and the scene with all the pigeons? Turned me off to Shawn Spencer forever.)

But I'd just like to say Barnaby Brooks Jr is the only bridge of those two groups. Both a close friend of Kotetsu's and a superstar hero dripping sex appeal, the only reason I didn't sleep with him first is he's gay.

Oh, and I died. That's a reason, too.

Angels can still pray, you know. Right after I died, I saw Kotetsu and my baby Kaede all in black and crying and I just shoved my hands together and prayed for them to be okay. I prayed for people to hug them and love them and if not take away the pain of my death, at least make it bearable.

And it worked—gradually. Life didn't end when I died. Capital-L-Life, the Life that everyone leads together because not everyone is dead, that keeps happening. Kaede still had preschool, and later kindergarten and first grade, and homework and interests and friends. Kotetsu had his job and co-workers, but a lot of his old friends started retiring and as a new generation of heroes came in, he just… didn't warm up to them the same way. Not at first. He was always there, acting the way he always had, cracking the same terrible jokes and trying to make everyone feel okay, but he didn't feel it himself.

So I started praying again. Someone, make Kotetsu feel things the way he did before. Let emotions reach him, make him laugh and cry and actually live his life.

Then along came Bunny.

I had almost forgotten what that spark in Kotetsu's eye looked like. That's the corniest line in the world, but Barnaby literally stirred up the ashes in Kotetsu's heart until he found that last buried spark, and once it got a little air, it grew and spread until he glowed again, like the glory days. And how on earth can I get mad when my husband starts sleeping with a man that wonderful, the literal answer to my prayer?

(And, side note, the afterlife is so much more interesting when there are 'partnership bonding activities' to watch, if you get my drift.)

It drove me up the wall how long it took for Kotetsu to even freaking notice. Did he accidentally calibrate his gaydar to Fire Emblem levels and assumed everything less gay than him had to be straight? Barnaby played stereotypes like a musical instrument. Hair appointments? Moisturizing regimes? All that pink? He even lisps when upset! Granted, it's not a "like, ohmigod girlfriend!" lisp, but it's just so freaking adorable… anyway, off topic. Kotetsu's a blockhead, always has and always will be, but once Barnaby made it clear he wanted Kotetsu's pants—sexually—everything worked out for the best.

I must admit, their foreplay is as intense as any car chase on Hero TV. Starts with a sideways glance—Barnaby loses the glasses, Kotetsu kicks off his shoes—and then they have at each other. Lots of tossing and turning and pushing and pulling and tumbling and flipping around at the last second. If they were to actually roll in a haystack during these 'rolls in the hay,' the hay would be strewn all about the room before they even got their clothes off. I'm not kidding. I think it's most fun at Barnaby's place, where it usually starts with one of them in the chair and the other walking up and kissing him, but the chair is the ultimate seat of submission, so obviously, the first move is to get out of it. Then they chase each other around the empty corners of Barnaby's apartment, nothing to interfere, just them and every pre-sex position they can imagine.

I'm not sure why it's such a big deal for them to discover who's going to be on top—that's what all the foreplay is about, you see. I watched ordinary make-outs for months, and compared to when they're headed into sex, it's like they're moving underwater. During foreplay, they kiss like they're going to die if they don't. Then they add groping and grinding to the equation, and pretty soon you've got a pair of heroes so hot and bothered they barely know what to do with themselves. The one about to be the uke, or the 'loser,' if you think of things that way, is the one who gets so horny that he forgets he's supposed to be fighting to stay on top. Then he soon ends up with kisses along his neck… See, that's another thing I find interesting: Kotetsu and Barnaby don't really do necking, even though it's obvious they enjoy it on either side. It's like they reserve it for these sex games as the marker of victory—the uke has hickeys the next day. And they never even discussed something like that. I mean, I'm sure they're both aware of how sex between them operates, because they've done it often enough, but I still wonder sometimes.

With the Epic Kissing Battle Ritual Thing complete, the two settle into a more traditional seme-uke dynamic. For Barnaby, it's like watching a switch flip on or off. If Barnaby 'loses,' the instant Kotetsu's lips touch his neck, he's gasping submissive, all blushy and beggy and everything you'd expect from a fluffy-haired pretty boy in a relationship with an older, more experienced man, superpowers aside. Then, if Barnaby 'wins,' he's the all-powerful top, the semi-sadistic, dominant one who pushes Kotetsu around without a care in the world. I don't think Barnaby being insincere with these two 'versions' of himself. He's got a lot of pressure to control his emotions, and all sorts of cues telling him which ones to present. Cameras mean strong, fangirl screams mean cool, presence of authority means polite and deferential. Necking gives cues for him to express what he never gets to be in everyday life: he's allowed to be weak under Kotetsu's touch, and on the other side, touching Kotetsu, he's allowed to be selfish.

Kotetsu experiences the same changes, but a lot more subtly. (Side note, Kotetsu, subtle in anything? Believe it.) Even though they follow the exact same pattern every time, he doesn't seem to realize that by the time Barnaby's teasing that spot behind his ear with his tongue, he's 'lost.' He treats it like he's taking a break: he's not down and out, he just thinks it feels nice, so he's going to let his partner go on for a minute... Or two... Or three... Until he's completely lost and way to hot to care. Like a kid with a dish of candy within his reach, he takes and takes and is somehow still surprised when it's all gone, or in this case, when he has a dick up his ass. (Side note, sincerest apologies for mixing those two images. I really am sorry.) At least when he's the seme, Kotetsu's bewildered enthusiasm helps him—it makes him all the more eager to do well, almost for fear that if he fails, he'll wake up from the dream. At some level, he'll never be able to believe any of this is real—a gorgeous blonde is in love with, and likes having sex with, an 'old man' like him—but he has yet to convince himself that just because it might be a fantasy, he should stop.

(Side note, Kotetsu, you stupid idiot, it's not a fantasy. Come on.)

I really can't decide who I like better as the seme or uke. Both have their charms in either role: Barnaby is a surprisingly quiet uke, quieter than Kotetsu as uke, and even quieter than himself as seme, but I guess I like the aesthetics: Barnaby looks like a character straight from a Boys Love magazine when he's getting screwed, tousled hair and bright pink cheeks, and it's frankly adorable. But then again, it's thanks to Barnaby's seme tricks I got to see the "honeybee trap," Kotetsu strung up and helpless as Barnaby lapped sweet, sticky honey off Kotetsu's body while drilling him with a vibrator. (Side note, I blame that terrible pun on Tomoe Kaburagi. No way would Tomoe Amamiya have made such a bad joke.)

Honestly, Barnaby's just the kinkier of the two of them. Kotetsu's so easy to please in day-to-day life, a plate of fried rice and a cold beer and he's happy. If you want to talk about lofty goals, he wants Kaede to call him cool and he's always trying to be a better hero, but he's not fussy about whether the sex involves handcuffs or costumes or feathers or nothing more than a bottle of lube. Maybe he fights to be seme because he wants to feel like he's doing something for Barnaby. Like there's a way to show him how grateful he is for his presence, his companionship, and his trust.

It's a little strange. It's harder to think about Kotetsu in these sexual terms like I think of Barnaby. Every time I try to quantify why I like him as uke or seme (Side note, I like him a lot, both ways.) I end up thinking about such normal things from back when we were married. The way he'd shave his beard into precise little cats. Or wash the dishes after dinner. Or struggle to explain his way out of some nonsensical off-the-wall blunder.

When you make a cheat-list, that's all sexual. One-night stands, fly-by-night affairs. But you never make a list of other people it'd be okay to marry, because you pick one person to marry and throw out the rest. Maybe I am still a little jealous. The sort of jealous we three are all going to laugh about someday. But I can't think of another reason why I… watch. Why I do more than watch.

Angels have a rule, something we can lose our halos over: no interference. If the Cosmos feel you messing around with affairs below, you might as well kiss your wings goodbye. But in the afterglow, I like to reach down and touch them, just a little brush, lighter than a dandelion seed on a spring breeze. They're too tired and sated to pay attention to it, but I see the bliss in the back of their eyes, hear the little sigh as they feel my blessed hand. Maybe I want to lay claim to them, Kotetsu and Barnaby both, as mine. Or give blessing to a relationship that would have happened with or without my consent. Or share something only I can give, since I can't offer my physical presence.

Regardless of what I can and can't do, they're happy. And if they're happy... I'm happy.