Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Someone else does.
Author's Note: YAY! I'm finally posting another story! I have a dozen more in the works that might be posted someday. I hope. If you've read Mask of Stella…yes, I promised a sequel at the end. Well, that one never got written. Sorry. Here's another one though. Not quite as crazy, but funny. I promise it gets weirder as it goes along.
THE ENTERPRISE CREW GOES TO VEGAS
Introduction:
Kirk: [voice-only] Captain's Log, Stardate 6901.5: Starfleet crews can spend months in deep space, without coming into planets. This can be trying. And rather dull. When we do come to a convenient place, we like to take some time off. Sometimes a week, sometimes one evening. These trips can vary from quiet and relaxing to wild and exciting. Generally, crewmembers feel better for them. And then other times… Well, most recently, we took shore leave in Las Vegas. And what a shore leave it was.
Act I, Scene I
Narrator: The Enterprise recently came into orbit around Earth. At the urgings of Captain Kirk, he, Spock, McCoy, and several other crewmembers have gone for an evening's shore leave in Las Vegas.
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy enter a crowded casino. A few other crewmembers can be seen scattered around the room. Kirk looks around him in obvious delight.]
Kirk: [delighted] Didn't I tell you this was a great place for shore leave?
[Spock blinks. McCoy shrugs.]
Kirk: [slightly annoyed] Well, you could be a bit more enthusiastic.
McCoy: Now, Jim, for all we know when Spock blinks like that it's the Vulcan equivalent to a human jumping up and yelling "yahoo." And maybe you're just not reading enough into my shrug.
Spock: [raising an eyebrow] "Yahoo," Doctor?
Kirk: All right, all right. [enthusiastic] Seriously though, you've got to love this place! Every hotel in town has some kind of nutty theme. This particular casino is designed to look just like the ones they had back at the end of the twentieth century. Same card games, same slot machines, everything just like way back when! [Spock and McCoy do not look impressed] Aw come on! You've got to appreciate the card games, the atmosphere…the showgirls! [eyes a few girls walking by; cocky (he'd tip his hat if he had one)] Well anyway, I'm sure you'll manage somehow. If you'll pardon me, boys. I'm heading off to exercise one of my inalienable rights: the pursuit of happiness! [saunters after girls]
McCoy: [joking] Hey Jim, don't forget to come back to the Enterprise!
Kirk: [without turning around] Whatever you say, Bones. Whatever you say.
McCoy: [to Spock] Well, if we're lucky, we'll see him again by next week.
Spock: Indeed.
McCoy: So, what do you want to do? Maybe get something to eat?
Spock: Actually, I am interested in learning to play poker.
McCoy: [staring at him] Poker.
Spock: It is a card game, is it not?
McCoy: Well yeah, but I wouldn't have figured you as being interested in poker.
Spock: Quite to the contrary. As you may recall, after our encounter with the First Federation ship, in which the Captain used a bluff while making an analogy to poker, I distinctly said that I would like to learn to play poker.[1] Unfortunately, I never did learn, and now that we are in an establishment designed for gambling-
McCoy: Okay, I got it. You're interested in poker. [thoughtful] Well, let's see now. You start out poker…
Act I, Scene II
[Kirk is sitting at a table with a beautiful showgirl. They are talking. Or rather, Kirk is bragging while she listens.]
Kirk: [dramatic] So, there I was, surrounded on every side by- [stops abruptly; conversational] You've seen tribbles before, haven't you?
Beautiful showgirl 1: [fascinated] No, I've never heard of them.
Kirk: Oh, well, fierce beasts. Fierce. Take it from me, you don't want to meet 'em. So, anyway, [dramatic] there I was, surrounded on every side by tribbles. There was no way out…except for one. It was risky, but I knew I had to take the chance. Because, after all, risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars-
[Suddenly, the band strikes up a new song. Beautiful showgirl 1 stands up.]
Beautiful showgirl 1: [hurried] Oh dear, I'm on next. I'm terribly sorry, but I've really got to go.
Kirk: [gracious] That's all right. I understand these things. Perhaps, another time. [smiles winningly] A starry night, a full moon… You must look beautiful in the moonlight…
Beautiful showgirl 1: [smiles] Another time, Captain. [walks off]
[Kirk stands up and wanders over towards the bar.]
Kirk: [contented] I love this place.
[Sits at the bar. Smiles winningly at beautiful waitress.]
Kirk: [cocky] So…what time do you get off?
Act I, Scene II
[Spock and McCoy are still standing where we last left them.]
McCoy: All right, well, that's the basics of poker. Want me to go over the list of what-beats-what again?
Spock: That is not necessary. I believe I have everything.
McCoy: [disbelieving] Look, Spock, poker's a complicated game. Are you sure you've figured the whole thing out after one time through?
Spock: I have very good memory.
McCoy: [dubious] Well, okay. We got the chips already, so I think the poker tables are over here…we split whatever we make or lose fifty-fifty, right?
Spock: Agreed.
[Spock and McCoy walk over to the poker table. They sit down and put their chips on the table. A big, unfriendly-looking man eyes them from across the table.]
Unfriendly man: [rudely; to Spock] Hey, catch the guy with the ears!
Spock: [calmly] As I may point out, everyone in this room, yourself included, has ears.
Odd-looking reptilian alien sitting at table: Hiss-snark-shhhhhz.
Spock: [nodding politely to O-LRASAT] Pardon me, I did not realize you hear out of your feet.
McCoy: [attempting to diffuse the situation] Yeah, right. Well, let's deal, shall we?
[Unfriendly man glares at them but does not comment. Dealer deals out cards.]
Spock: [eyeing cards] I believe I will stay. [to McCoy] That is the correct term?
McCoy: It's used more for Black Jack but it works.
[McCoy takes two cards, O-LRASAT takes three, Dealer takes one, and Unfriendly man takes none.]
Unfriendly man: [putting down chips] I'll raise it ten.
Spock: I will… [thinking hard] see your ten, and…raise you twenty. [puts out chips]
McCoy: That makes thirty and I'll raise you another five. [puts out chips]
O-LRASAT: Hiss-hiss-zzzsh. [puts out several chips]
McCoy: [to Spock] What did he say?
Spock: He is raising another fifty.
McCoy: [lays down cards] Too rich for me. I fold.
Dealer: I'll raise it fifteen.
Unfriendly man: I'll raise another twenty. [looks around smugly]
O-LRASAT: Hisssssssh. [throws down cards]
Dealer: What he said. [lays down cards]
Spock: I will raise…another one hundred.
Unfriendly man: [disbelieving; rude] You're bluffing.
Spock: [raising an eyebrow] I believe it is an essential point of the game that I do not inform you as to whether that fact is true or not.
McCoy: [urgent] Don't tell him.
Unfriendly man: All right. I call. [puts down cards; smug] Full house.
Spock: [lays down cards; perfectly calm] Four threes.
Unfriendly man: [disbelieving] You weren't bluffing.
Spock: That fact seems to be quite apparent.
Unfriendly man: [irritated] Oh, a wise guy, eh?
McCoy: Him? A-a wise guy? [starts laughing]
Dealer: Hey, look, if you want to talk, go to the bar. This is the poker table. Let's play. [deals cards]
Act I, Scene III
[Kirk is sitting at the bar talking to the beautiful waitress.]
Kirk: [dramatic] So there I was, trapped on a planet filled with villainous androids, bent on conquering the universe and enslaving mankind.[2] I knew I was the only one in the galaxy who was in any position to stop them. And there was only one way. I knew it was risky, but risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars-
Beautiful waitress: Look, Captain, I'd love to hear all about it, but this is our busy time, and my boss will simply have fits if I don't serve everyone…
Kirk: [gracious] Sure, I can understand, you're just trying to make a living, and we can't have some boss yelling at a pretty little thing like you. [smiles winningly] Another time, maybe. A starry night, a full moon…you must look beautiful in the moonlight…
Beautiful waitress: [smiles] I bet you say that to all the girls.
Kirk: [(sounds) sincere] Oh, no, not at all.
Beautiful waitress: Well, another time, Captain.
[Beautiful waitress goes to serve customers. Kirk saunters away from the bar.]
Kirk: [contented] I really love this place.
[Swaggers over to a beautiful girl sitting alone at a small table. He sits down in an empty chair at her table.]
Kirk: [cocky] Well, well. If I knew there were girls like you on Earth, I never would have joined Starfleet.
Act I, Scene IV
[Back at the poker table, McCoy isn't even bothering to play anymore. The pile of chips by Spock has grown considerably. Unfriendly man is looking very annoyed. The dealer is nearly as irritated, as the pile of chips near him is very small as well. In the hand presently being played out, everyone but Spock and Unfriendly man have folded.]
Spock: I will raise you three hundred.
Unfriendly man: [growls] I fold. What'd you have?
Spock: [laying down cards] A pair of twos.
Unfriendly man: [thunderstruck] You were bluffing?!
Spock: [calmly] Yes.
Unfriendly man: But you…that's…
McCoy: Is something wrong?
Unfriendly man: I'm the best player in town. I can tell when a person's bluffing, or when they're not. Always. Even the guys who pride themselves on their poker faces. I can tell. But this guy looks EXACTLY the same. Doesn't twitch a muscle or anything!
Spock: If I were to react emotionally over something as minor as a poker game, I would not be a proper Vulcan.
Unfriendly man: That does it. I'm out of here. [takes his few chips and walks away]
Spock: [thoughtful] That is a very emotional person.
McCoy: [shakes head] Absolutely no control. Very sad.
Spock: Doctor, are you mocking me?
McCoy: [innocent] Me? Mock you? Perish the thought! Let's play, shall we?
Act I, Scene V
[Kirk is sitting at the table with beautiful girl, talking.]
Kirk: [dramatic] The Klingons had completely overrun the ship. With most of the crew trapped below deck, the Klingons out numbered us…oh, a dozen to one. [3] I knew we'd all be killed in short order, unless I did something. And there was only one thing to be done. It was risky of course, but risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars-
Beautiful girl: Listen, I'd love to hear about it, but I promised a friend I'd meet her right about now. Some other time, okay?
Kirk: Sure, some other time. [smiles winningly] Perhaps a full moon, a starry sky…you must look beautiful in the moonlight…
Beautiful girl: [smiles] Catch you later, Captain. [walks away]
[Kirk stands up and walks away from the table.]
Kirk: [content] I really, really love this place.
[Kirk spots another beautiful girl sitting alone at a table. He sits down at an empty chair at her table.]
Kirk: So…what's a beautiful girl like you doing in a crummy little joint like this?
Beautiful girl 2: [smiles sweetly] Well, it just so happens I have an excellent reason for being here. My husband owns this "crummy little joint."
Kirk: Oh. Well…give him my regards. [gets up and walks away fast; to himself] Well, they can't all be gems.
Act I, Scene VI
[At the poker tables, conditions are about the same. Spock is still winning, McCoy is watching excitedly, crowds are gathering, and the dealer is unhappy.]
Spock: [calmly] I will raise three hundred.
[O-LRASAT stands and throws his cards down angrily.]
O-LRASAT: Hiss-snzzr-shhrt-foo! [storms off]
McCoy: What'd he say?
Spock: "I've had it. Good riddance, big spenders."
McCoy: Ah.
Dealer: Listen, are you sure you want to keep playing poker? Maybe you should try your luck at some other table…
Spock: No, thank you.
Dealer: [rolls his eyes in despair] If the big boss kills me for losing him a fortune, my blood's on your hands.
Spock: [seriously] Quite to the contrary. Your blood would be on the "big boss's" hands, if you bleed on anyone. Most likely he would shoot you, and your blood would not be on anyone's hands.
[McCoy laughs. The dealer groans.]
Dealer: Forget it. Just forget it.
[A group of giggling showgirls come up.]
Misc. Showgirl: We heard someone here's winning at poker.
Dealer: That wouldn't be me.
Spock: I assume you are referring to me. Can I help you in some way?
[Showgirls all cluster around Spock, to McCoy's great amusement.]
Misc. Showgirl: [batting eyelashes at Spock] We always come cheer the winners.
Spock: Ah. [thoughtful] But don't you distract the players from their game, therefore making it difficult for them to continue winning, in which case they quickly cease to be winners?
Misc. Showgirl: [confused] What?
Spock: This is not logical.
[McCoy is laughing by now.]
Dealer: Can we just play? If you're going to lose me my job, we might as well make it fast. No point in prolonging the suffering.
Act I, Scene VII
[Kirk is chatting with Yet another beautiful girl.]
Kirk: [dramatic] So there we were, all of us stranded on a planet where our every thought became a reality, a construct of an evil computer bent on destruction.[4] There were some pretty ugly thoughts running around. I knew there was only one thing I could do. It was risky, but risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars—
[A showgirl runs by, stopping to talk to Yet another beautiful girl as she goes.]
A showgirl: [excited] Have you heard? Some guy's winning a fortune at the poker tables! The excitement's really building. All the girls are going to see!
Yet another beautiful girl: [regretful] Gee, Captain, I'd love to chat but… [shrugs] the management hasn't lost anything substantial in twenty years. I've gotta check this out.
Kirk: [magnanimous] No problem. Entirely understandable. Maybe some other time. [smiles winningly] Perhaps a full moon…a starry sky…you must look beautiful in the moonlight...
Yet another beautiful girl: [smiles] Another time then, Captain. Sometime soon. [walks off towards poker tables]
Kirk: [content] Yep. I love this place.
[Kirk approaches Another Showgirl.]
Kirk: Miss? I'd like to congratulate you. You've just been randomly selected as the winner of our contest.
Another Showgirl: Oh? What's the prize?
Narrator: [loud whisper; sarcastic] Can you see this one coming?
Kirk: [smiles winningly] The prize? Why, a date with the captain of the Enterprise!
[Curtain drops on Act I.]
[1] The Corbomite Maneuver
[2] I, Mudd
[3] Day of the Dove; the Klingons and the Starfleet crew were, in fact, exactly matched numbers-wise.
[4] Shore Leave