Gone

It had been a month now. A long, arduous month of searching, of waiting of not knowing. But the simple fact of the matter was that Merlin was gone. Not dead. If he was dead then people could mourn, people could find closure. Instead he had left the castle early one morning to gather herb's for Gaius who had been unwell the previous day. He had not been back by the time Arthur should have been roused, so the prince, angry that his servant was late again had stormed into Gaius's chambers, he found the aging physician looking over some books, and had demanded to know where Merlin was. Gaius, confused had assumed he was with Arthur. But had also admitted the herb basket was gone so Merlin was probably out gathering herbs, and had just lost track of time. Arthur had grumbled but knew he couldn't scold Merlin for trying to take care of the old man. Still he did demand that Merlin join him as soon as he was back before he left the room.

By the time it got to lunch, Arthur was fuming, another servant had had to collect the King's lunch. He had been fuming while he ate, then even more annoyed when he realised he was late for a meeting with the council. He had received several looks as he'd entered but no one had mentioned Arthur's apparent tardiness. But Arthur had silently vowed he'd put Merlin in the stocks for a week.

However by dinner time, any annoyance on his part was forgotten, replaced now by a deep sense of dread. He no longer wanted to scold Merlin, he just wanted to know he was safe. Outside the sun had beg to set as dusk fell across the land. A search at this time of day would be futile, it would become dark before too long and they would easily miss any tracks. Arthur had vowed a if Merlin were not back by morning then he would search for him.

The first day had been the most harrowing for Arthur and the knights, within a few minutes of leaving the city they had found the remains of Gaius's herb basket lying on the ground half crushed, the reminants of broken herbs within. That had been all they had found for nearly four hours. It was close to two in the afternoon when Elyan spotted a familiar blue piece of cloth snagged on a branch, caught there. Slowly he had picked it off and showed the Neckerchief to Arthur. Arthur had become furious seeing it. There was no way, no way at all Merlin would simply have left it there tangled in the branch. He had so few possessions as it was, and his small collection of Neckerchiefs was one of his most important. Arthur had gripped the cloth as the knights spread out, searching for something, anything else.

Arthur had called a halt to the search when dusk had begun to fall again, admitting they would not find much in the darkness. Instead he had left Gwaine and Percival behind to continue the search.

And search they had. For days, until they had returned dejected and empty handed. Arthur had become despondent, riding out himself alone, or with the knights, always coming back less and less the prince they had all grown to love, and people had begun to ask why the king was expanding so much man power over a simple servant, yes Merlin had been popular and much loved, and it was tragic that he was missing, but a King was meant to maintain certain standards. And deep within his own heart Arthur knew this to be true. And he also knew that wherever he was, Merlin would forgive him, would want him to get on with his life, with his duty. So, finally after a month of fruitless searching, and also several trips to Merlin's home village, Arthur had gathered the knights, Gwen and Gaius in the audience chamber and informed them that it was time to call the search off. No one had been happy with the decision, but all of them, save Gwaine, had seen the wisdom in the King's actions. A kingdom did not go on hold simply because of a missing servant. Duties still had to be performed, the kingdom still had to be ruled.

It was night and Arthur sat alone on his bed, still in his armour. Outside wind battered at the window. Tears streaming from his eyes, tears he would allow no one else to see, Arthur stood and walked over to the window.

"I miss you Merlin" he muttered. Slowly he wiped away the tears on his cheeks. If Merlin had been dead that would have been tragic. But this, no this was far worse. At least if he was dead they would have a body to mourn. With his simple vanishing they were all left with knowledge that he could still be alive, but being beaten, or worse. With a sigh he looked over as the door opened and Gaius entered holding the Neckerchief. Slowly he handed it to Arthur. Arthur looked at it quizzically, then at Gaius.

"Wherever he is my lord, a part of him will always be at your side" Gaius said softly. Arthur looked back at the Neckerchief, fresh tears welling in his eyes. Gaius pulled him into an embrace and let the king do what he could not, not until he was back in the Pharmacy. He let the king mourn the loss of a very dear, brave friend. And if anyone else but Gaius had seen Arthur in that instant, he knew that Arthur would not deny how he was feeling in that moment.