Warnings: Swearing, boys doing things with other boys, coffee, you know, the usual

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to KH, Kermit the Frog would be the one giving you a tutorial, there would be a My Chemical Romance level, and Optimus Prime would be a fully playable character. So yeah... thank God for Square Enix and Disney.

This fanfiction is a result of talking to my younger brother about Kingdom Hearts whilst drinking Diet Pepsi in a coffee shop. (Yep, we go to a coffee shop just for Pepsi, because really, me on coffee? Not a good idea.) He gets credit for the idea, but the actual plot was mostly me. Enjoy!

xxx

Organization XIII discovers coffee

That peddler in Agrabah. It was his fault.

Had he not offered Roxas a coffee machine, Roxas would never have tried black coffee, and none of this would have happened.

Still, it was fun at first. A caffeinated Roxas was a Roxas who collected hearts like Nobody's business, and he was also an easy to manipulate Roxas, which of course swung in Axel's favour.

And it was kinda funny to see Luxord begging Zexion for a mug of coffee that was, in fact, nothing but an illusion.

xxx

"Excuse me, young sirs."

Roxas jumped halfway out of his skin, spinning around to see a small man with a black, carefully styled beard, smiling insincerely at him. Oh God, he's probably gonna try and sell me something.

"Sorry, peddler man," Axel said, "we can't stop." He took hold of Roxas by the upper arm.

"Oh, really? Because I've got a Thundaga Trinket that –"

"Look, mister, we don't have any munny with us." This was a lie, but Roxas needed to get back to collecting hearts.

"Well, you can always take out a loan," the man insisted, still smiling that salesman smile. "Could I interest you in a coffee machine at a discount of –"

"What the hell is a coffee machine?" Roxas demanded. Axel sighed. This was not going to end well.

The peddler's smile widened; clearly he had sensed an opportunity. "It is a most wondrous device." Roxas pulled his arm out of Axel's grip. Dammit, the kid was intrigued now. Axel needed to get him out of here. "You simply place coffee beans into the –"

"Roxas, we don't have time to listen to this loon. We're on a mission, remember?" He reached out to grab Number XIII, but the petite blonde dodged him.

"Carry on," he told the peddler. Axel continued to glare at him, muttering under his breath, but he was ignored. Roxas was curious, even if Nobodies weren't supposed to be curious. And anyway, Axel owed him for last week, when they detoured from taking out a Stalwart Blade to go and shoplift hair gel from a corner shop in Twilight Town.

"You put coffee beans into the funnel at the top, add in some hot water, push the handle and presto! One mug of black coffee!" The peddler clapped his hands together, waiting for Roxas's answer.

"But... what exactly is coffee?" Axel groaned. There was a reason he had avoided giving Roxas that particular piece of information.

"But sir! Surely you already know?" Roxas shook his head. "It is like – like energy in a cup! It tastes strong, mature if you will, and the moment it touches your lips you gain power like –"

"How much munny?" The peddler's mouth opened. "How much munny do you want for this stuff?"

"Roxas, you can't –" Roxas glared at him and he gave up. Maybe Xemnas wouldn't notice? Or Axel could switch Roxas's coffee with decaf when he wasn't looking?

Or maybe he would just let Roxas learn about caffeine for himself.

xxx

"You really sure this is a good idea, Roxas?" Axel asked for the eighth time, watching Roxas pour boiling water into a silver coffee machine.

"Shut up! Roxas put a mug beneath the spout of the coffee machine. "And... then I just push on this thing?" He took hold of the handle. "Okay..."

Axel watched the steaming black coffee gush down into the mug. "Don't burn your tongue."

Roxas took the mug to his mouth and blew on the coffee, his lips forming a perfect "O". Axel was looking at him weird again as his tongue darted out to to test the temperature of the liquid. It was the same look Roxas often received when he was sucking on a sea salt ice cream.

The first mouthful coffee, as is always the case, was too hot, tasted bitter, and made unsuspecting little Roxas grimace with displeasure. Axel chuckled. "You want some sugar in there?" he asked. Roxas scowled at him, stubborn as stubborn is, and took another sip, albeit more tentatively this time.

Halfway through drinking the mug of coffee, Roxas paused. "How come you aren't having any, Axel?"

The redhead smirked. "I've tried it before. It's not my thing is all." He leaned against the kitchen counter, watching Roxas take another sip. Cute, how he tried to suppress the shudder when the acid taste filled his mouth. "Are you enjoying it, though?"

"It's okay. I don't really see what the big deal is."

Axel crossed his arms. "It'll catch up with you in a minute."

And, seven cups later, it did.

"S-so then I hit it with my Keyblade, and it died, which was a shame cus it was sooo cute!" Roxas babbled.

Was he still talking about the first Shadow he killed? Axel couldn't even tell any more. As long as he stayed away from Xemnas and Saïx – in other words, as long as he stayed in the kitchen – he could talk about whatever he liked. He looked adorable, anyway, with his eyes all wide and his eighth cup of coffee trembling in his hands. His mouth just didn't stop moving – either he was talking, or he was chugging down coffee. How could he drink it that fast? Didn't it burn?

"AXEL! Oh my God! Your head is on fire!"

"No, Roxas, that's just my hair." Perhaps this was getting a little out of hand. "Maybe that's enough coffee for now?"

"NO!" he screamed, slopping coffee onto the front of his coat in his haste to keep the mug away from Axel.

Aforementioned Nobody took a deep breath and a step towards Roxas. "Listen, Roxas, that much caffeine isn't good for you."

"If you were really my best friend you'd let me drink my coffee!" Roxas yelled, sucking down the last of coffee number eight and turning back towards the coffee machine.

"I am your best friend, which is why –"

"Prove it, then! If you were my best friend then you'd – you'd –"

"Hey, Roxas." His head snapped up and some of the hot water he was pouring sloshed over the edge of the funnel in the top of the machine. "We could always be more than friends, you know."

"Like super best friends?" Roxas gasped, pulling down the handle yet again.

"...Yeah, okay, super best friends." Axel rolled his eyes at Roxas's back. "But you do know what being super best friends costs, don't you?"

"No, what?" Roxas took a sip of his new cup of coffee, ignoring the pain in his tongue. Was this one his ninth? Whatever happened to I'll just have one to see if it works? Huh. Oh, well.

"A kiss, that's all." Axel put one hand on Roxas's forearm, more to keep it steady than anything else. "So do you want to be super best friends?"

Roxas nodded frantically, his eyes barely staying focused. "I'm not tall enough to kiss you, though."

"No problem." Axel placed both hands on Roxas's waist and lifted him, putting him onto the kitchen counter. "Better?"

"Hey, I'm sitting on the kitchen counter!" Roxas's laugh was nearly hysterical. "Now – kiss me."

Axel leaned in. Roxas leaned forwards. Their lips met.

The kid tasted of coffee, obviously, but something else lay beneath it, something that was caramel sunsets and reluctant light, something that was Roxas. Axel's tongue ran along Roxas's bottom lip and his mouth fell open, letting Axel in without hesitation, because he wanted to be super best friends.

They pulled apart suddenly when they heard a chuckle and the refrigerator-that-never-was being opened.

"Xigbar! Oh my God! Me and Axel are super best friends now!" Roxas pushed Axel away from him and slid off the kitchen counter, taking hold of his coffee cup again.

Xigbar tutted. "You know how Xemnas feels about coffee, Axel," he said, wagging a sarcastic finger before turning back to the fridge and selecting a small carton of chocolate milk.

"You mean you've never tried giving some to Demyx?" Axel asked. Xigbar froze, halfway through stabbing his carton with the pointed end of his straw. His mouth opened, then closed.

"How does this machine work?" Roxas rushed over to Xigbar's side, more anxious for his coffee machine than anything else. Axel just watched, reflecting on the taste of Roxas and wondering if he'd ever be lucky enough to taste him again.

xxx

"DIE, YOU FUCKER! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Xion blinked. Clearly something was wrong with Roxas – it was, after all, only a Soldier Heartless, and it wasn't the first time he'd flipped out today, either. It was nice that Roxas was so enthusiastic about his mission, but it hadn't really been necessary to use twenty-two casts of Fira on those three Shadows, and whatever Roxas said, that wall was not looking at him funny. Xion was surprised he wasn't hurt after headbutting it like that. Oh, and he almost sliced his partner's hand off when Xion tapped him on the shoulder, but that could almost be dismissed as him thinking she was a Heartless. Maybe.

"Roxas, are you okay?" she asked. Roxas didn't even hear her – he sprinted over to a treasure chest, opened it, and then ran off without actually picking up its contents. Xion sighed and followed him, stopping to grab the Hi-Potion he left behind.

Maybe Axel would know why Roxas was acting so weird. After all, apparently the two guys were now "super best friends", something Roxas was very pleased about. It sounded like Xion had been upgraded to "super third wheel" as well.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Roxas, Blizzaga is not going to make the wall stop looking at you funny. Now come on, let's RTC. You've already collected three times more hearts than Saïx asked you to."

xxx

"," Demyx said, lapping up more coffee. "Hahaha, it's so not tasty though."

"Do you want another cup?" Xigbar asked, watching the Melodious Nocturne gulping down coffee. He didn't even seem to mind that it had gone cold.

"Yep!" Xigbar held out a mug of coffee, but pulled it away before Demyx's hand could brush it. "Xiggy!"

"Hang on. You know caffeine can make you overheat, right?" Demyx gasped. "And if you get too hot, you'll explode."

"But I want more coffee!" Demyx whined, reaching again for the mug in Xigbar's hand.

"Calm down. It's simple. For every cup of coffee you drink, you should take off one item of clothing." Xigbar paused. "And you had to undress slowly, or the friction will –"

"I know what friction does!" Demyx snapped, unzipping his cloak. God, did Xigbar love the sound of a zipper coming down. Sadly, Demyx was wearing a T-shirt beneath his black coat, but that would be coming off soon. "Now, givememycoffee!"

Xigbar handed him the mug. "I should've given you coffee a long time ago," he muttered, his one eye taking in Demyx's biceps, wrists, everything perfectly proportioned and flawless. What did Xemnas have against coffee? Roxas was more efficient, Demyx was stripping... surely this was in the Organization's best interests?

Demyx was down to his boxers and he wanted another coffee. What to do, what to do? After all, Xigbar was real nice, staying here to make sure Demyx didn't explode, but he probably wouldn't want to see him completely naked. Although, the whole time he was undressing, he'd been pestered by the oddest sense that Xigabr was really enjoying this.

"Do you think I could risk another cup of coffee without taking off my underwear?" he asked. His hands were shaking and his minds was racing with thoughts of nothing in particular. He really wanted more coffee.

"As if! Do you want to explode?" Xigbar stepped forwards. "If you're nervous then I could give you a hand?"

MORECAFFEINENOW, MORECAFFEINENOW, Demyx's brain chanted. Well, if it wasn't going to tell him anything sensible, he was just going to go with the flow. "Sure, but more coffee after that."

"Yes, Demyx, more coffee after that." Silk boxers. The kid was wearing silk boxers. He may as well get a T-shirt with "Take advantage of me" printed on it.

xxx

Of course, today would be the day that Xemnas would choose to hold a meeting.

Roxas was practically vibrating in his seat and Demyx was jittery as fuck, not to mention the mysterious bite marks on his neck that Xigbar of course had nothing to do with.

"It has come to my attention," Saïx began, "that some of our members have been drinking coffee." He looked down at Roxas and then Demyx. Axel struggled to keep his face blank – it had, after all, been him who'd allowed Roxas to drink the stuff.

"Coffee?" boomed Xemnas. "You should all know by now that caffeine has an even more profound effect on those of us without hearts. The same goes for alcohol. If it can fool someone into thinking they;'re experiencing something when they are not, imagine what it could do to those among us who have no emotions, and in particular, the members who like to pretend they do."

"Of course, some members," (Saïx threw another pointed glance at Roxas) "appear to be more efficient under its influence."

"The fact remains that –"

"You can't stop us from drinking coffee!" exploded Demyx, nearly toppling out of his seat and falling to his death. "That stuff is amazing, seriously! Just – just give it a chance. Please? If w-we turn out to be better off without it then fine, but I mean, I didn't even remember what it did until I tried some. And it might make us –"

"That's enough," Saïx interjected. "I'm sure the Superior had more pressing matters on his mind than your coffee intake. As long as you complete your missions and stay within the Organization's best interests, you can drink whatever you please."

Axel wasn't off the hook yet and he knew it, but at least Roxas could keep drinking coffee, and of course being Axel's super best friend.

xxx

Luxord had been an avid coffee drinker back when he had a heart, and he did want to know just how different it would be for a Nobody.

Roxas and Demyx were becoming very protective of the coffee machine. Still, Luxord was the Gambler of Fate, and so had very little trouble fast-talking the two younger members. One single mug of black coffee was taken back to his room, with the promise that Luxord wouldn't drink aby more without replacing the magic, all-powerful coffee beans.

He'd forgotten that it tasted this good...

He'd forgotten that it gave you such a powerful surge of energy...

He wanted some more of this stuff.

"Oh, Luxord?" Was that Zexion outside? Luxord had never really liked him. Perhaps it was because Zexion and Xigbar were constantly at odds (Luxord wasn't sure why) and Number X was quite fond of the Freeshooter. And why wouldn't space and time get along well? But Zexion seemed to dislike Xigbar and anyone who associated with him.

"Yes, Zexion?" Luxord wondered which card he'd have to play to get more coffee, and which strategy would be best to make Zexion fuck off. He sighed and opened the door, narrowing his eyes at the lilac-silver-bluish-haired Nobody in front of him.

"Have you seen Demyx anywhere? We're meant to be doing... recon... together, but I can't seem to find him." The mild irritation Zexion "felt" was tripled when he noticed the mug in Luxord's left hand. Coffee, the only reason Demyx would ever let Xigbar touch him. Or so Zexion told himself.

"He might be in the kitchen. He and Roxas spend a lot of time in there these days." Luxord sipped his rapidly-cooling coffee. There was very little left in the cup now, and he wanted more. He wanted LOTS.

"If you help me find him, I'll get you more cof-"

"YES." Luxord sprinted past Zexion, moving so fast he could've given Xigbar a run for his munny (of course, runs for people's munny were what he was best at) and leading the most EMO of them all into the kitchen, where Demyx sat on the counter with no clothing on his upper body, and large lovebites clearly visible. (Could they be called lovebites when they were the result of a caffeine-induced, somewhat savage molestation session?)

To cut a long story short, the only reason Luxord didn't tell Xemnas (or Xigbar, that would've been worse) what Zexion did to Demyx was Zexion lead him out of the kitchen, a cup of coffee hovering just out of the time-wielding Nobody's grasp. It didn't help that Luxord had snuck two more mugs whilst Zexion and Demyx did... things to each other, Demyx because he was full of coffee and Zexion because he was a horny bastard.

As Luxord chased the cup of coffee, Roxas watching and giggling from the sidelines, it became more and more obvious that the cup did not in fact exist. Whenever Luxord did manage to nearly touch it, it seemed to dematerialise a little, then turn back to normal instantly when Luxord was nowhere near it. Luxord was slowly going insane, or so it seemed, and ended up on his knees, screaming "I WANT MORE COFFEEEEEEE!"

Of course, Nobodies aren't supposed to laugh, but fuck my life if that wasn't the funniest thing ever to happen in the Castle That Never Was.

xxx

Perhaps the coffee-related shenanigans would have continued, if not for Marluxia's stupidity. (Luckily his pretty face more than made up for the mistake.) All was going swimmingly until he let Roxas into Xemnas's room to "LOOK FOR COFFEE, MOTHAFUCKAAAA!" (in Roxas's words, of course) and he discovered Saïx's underwear. What's more, there was no coffee, and thus Xemnas's bed, laptop and Hello Kitty collectibles all felt the wrath of a Keyblade.

Coffee was banned in the castle, but not before Axel stole one more kiss from Roxas. Demyx collapsed from caffeine deprivation and woke up wondering why the hell his ass was in so much pain (pro tip: don't collapse anywhere near Xigbar, EVER) and Marluxia was punished for his mistake by having his hair serum confiscated.

He cried.

xxx

So if you've ever wondered why Marluxia's hair colour is slightly different in Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, that's why. If you've ever wondered why you never see the members chillin' with a mug of coffee in 358/2 Days, this fanfiction explains that as well.

xxx

I want to thank my younger brother for this idea, but being a good big sister I can't actually let him read the fic itself, so if the plot is crappy then it's because I couldn't get a ten-year-old to check it for me. (Alternatively, you could blame my beta reader, Death By Nutella. Just don't blame me, okay?) If you feel like reviewing...