2/20/12 -

Hola, hola! This is my first fanfiction so I hope it doesn't suck too badly. I probably would have edited it more but the site hasn't had a lot of updates recently so I thought I should hurry it up.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Artemis Fowl, I would be busy making sure that The Last Guardian was NOT the final book. But I'm writing this now, so obviously I don't own Artemis Fowl.

It was a hot and sunny mid-August day, so naturally Artemis Fowl II was locked up in his study. The door and windows were open to let in some sunlight, however, at his mother's demand. He was busy working on remodeling his Ice Cube, which had been destroyed shortly after he developed Atlantis Complex. Now, one year later, he was 16 years old and completely cured of the disease (and Orion, something he and Holly both thanked God for). Artemis was about three quarters of the way done with reconstructing the blueprints when that window on his computer closed itself, to be replaced by a video chat request. Short, Holly popped up on the Caller ID display.

She's lucky I saved that file, thought Artemis as he clicked on ACCEPT.

"Hey, Mud Boy," said Holly. "I heard the weather is great up there today. Shouldn't you be outside or something?"

"I prefer the 'or something' part of that question," replied Artemis. "Besides, you knew that I wouldn't be outside. Otherwise you would have contacted me by my communicator, not my computer."

"Spare us the lecture," muttered Trouble, but not quite quiet enough that it wasn't picked up by Foaly's super-sensitive microphone.

"Very well," began Artemis. "I see that Trouble-"

"Commander Kelp," interjected Trouble.

"I see Commander Kelp is present, but Holly is smiling, so . . . there's a crisis and you're happy about it?" he finished.

"Nothing so melodramatic, for once," replied Holly. "Just a little invitation."

"To do what?" asked Artemis. "Go to Haven?"

"Yeah, like Trouble would ever let Artemis Fowl into Haven without the fate of the world depending on it," smiled Foaly.

"He's right, for once," said Trouble. "You're not coming anywhere near here unless Koboi returns or your Complex comes back."

"What is that noise?" asked Holly, before Artemis had a chance to reply. "It sounds like snoring."

"That," said Artemis, turning the computer so, while he was still visible, the large, tan dog napping by the door was, too, "is my family's new dog."

"A bullmastiff!" Foaly cackled, "A bullmastiff! Whose bright idea was it to get Artemis Fowl a bullmastiff?"

"My father's" answered Artemis.

"What's its name?" asked Trouble.

"Orion," said Artemis.

Upon hearing its name, the dog woke up, yawned, then walked out of the room.

"Why did you name him that?" asked Foaly.

"Because he's just about as annoying," said Artemis. "He follows me everywhere. Everywhere. He always needs attention and if you ignore him he'll just keep barking until you pet him. He is also very protective of my mother, and if I remember correctly, Orion had a thing for protecting ladies, too."

Everyone laughed.

"Okay, let's get back to what I was saying," said Holly after the laughter had died down. "We're all off of work next week-"

"I have a feeling that I'm going to regret that," put in Trouble.

"-And Caballine is going to the spa for a week while Foaly's kids are in summer school-"

"Your kids are in summer school?" Artemis snickered.

"They only failed art and gym!" Foaly said, offended.

"Alright," said Holly. "As I was saying, we were all going to come up to the surface and go camping for a week at Camart Valley. Mulch and No1 are coming, and we-"

"Meaning Holly," interrupted Trouble.

"-Were wondering if you, the Butlers, and your family wanted to tag along."

His family, friends with the People. Artemis wasn't sure if he would ever get used to that. His mother (without his consent) had told his father and brothers everything the second she hung up on Butler when he told her Artemis had Atlantis Complex. Myles and Beckett had taken it well, whereas Artemis Senior had refused to believe her and almost had a panic attack when he saw the massive shuttle pull up the driveway to bring her to Atlantis. After he had calmed down sufficiently, he was allowed to come as well, leading the hospital loading dock staff to have a panic attack when a grown-up version of Artemis Fowl had walked out of the shuttle. Since then, visits from the People had become more frequent. Beckett and Mulch had taken a particular liking in each other, and enjoyed playing in the mud in the backyard together.

"How are fairies supposed to stay at a human campsite unnoticed?" Artemis asked, avoiding the question.

"With these," said Foaly, holding up what appeared to be a handful of American quarters. "No1 enchanted them with a shape-shifting spell. When a fairy presses down on George Washington, they'll look just like any other human until they press the head again, as long as they keep the coin in their hand or pocket or something. Plus, they only need a drop of magic to jump start them. They-"

"So, are you coming?" asked Holly again, cutting off Foaly's lecture.

"Umm . . ." began Artemis.

"We'd love to come!" exclaimed a voice from behind him.

Artemis whipped around to see Angeline and Artemis Senior standing in the doorway. He shot the fairies a withering glare for not telling him that they were there, as they had obviously been listening for a while now and could easily have been seen over his shoulder.

"Mother," he began. "Do you really think that this is the best idea? I mean, Father probably has business to attend to-"

"Nonsense," said Artemis Senior said, entering the study. "I can take some time off. Besides, I don't think the twins, or you, for that matter, have ever been camping before."

"Okay, so caravan, cabin, or tent?" asked Angeline.

Caravan, Caravan, Caravan, thought Artemis desperately.

"Tent," said Holly, smiling evilly at Artemis.

Artemis groaned.

As his parents began discussing the details of the trip with the fairies, Artemis snuck out of the room, noticing that Trouble seemed to be in a much better mood than at the beginning of the conversation.

Sticking his head into the next room, his brothers', on his way past, he discovered both of them, Juliet, and Butler-Butler, for God's sake- kneeling on Myles's bed with their ears pressed against the wall that adjoined to his study. Unfortunately for him, only the door was soundproof.

Noticing Artemis, Butler immediately pulled away. The twins barely spared him a glance before returning their focus to the voices on the other side of the wall.

Juliet cocked an eyebrow. "Camping? Really?"

Artemis cocked his eyebrow. "Eavesdropping? Really?"

With that, Artemis continued down the hallway to his room. He flopped down on his back on his bed. Tent camping. For a whole week. He felt as if he could already feel his body start to ache at the thought of sleeping on the ground for a week.

Then his body actually began to ache when a 40 pound bullmastiff jumped onto the bed with him, landing on his chest.

Well, there you have it. Poor Arty, having to camp.

Anyhoo, you people should review. Even if you just write 'Yay' or something short like that. If you review, I'll mention in the Author's note at the beginning of the next chapter. If you're my first ever reviewer, I'll put a smiley face next to your name like this :-D

Also, there is a poll on my profile with options of what kind of havoc I should incorporate into the story. I hope to do one disaster per chapter.

Sayonara, Sweethearts :-P