"People always leave"

I say to myself as I stood outside alone walking towards the football field. I'll admit I have trust issues I do not know how to resolve. It's just the fact that people always leave that keeps me from really trusting anyone, "They always end up betraying you or leaving you", and I have found that to be true. And I've always found a way to shield myself from people, and act like it doesn't matter, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it is not and today was a hard day, today was the first Cheerios competition I'd miss in my entire high school experience and it was just too much.

I had it all once, or at least I thought I did, I was popular, pretty, I was a straight A student, captain of the Cheerios. Everyone wanted to be near me, everyone wanted me to talk to them, to make them feel like they were someone in those wretched halls, everyone wanted to be me… but no one wanted me. Just me. And it used to hurt, it used to make me feel like I was just a trophy, but as the years passed by I learnt how to shield everything and everyone out. And I became unreachable, untouchable, unaffected to the point where even though I was basically walking hand to hand with Brittany and Santana, it felt like we were miles apart. Nothing mattered and nothing hurt, or so everyone thought. But in reality nothing mattered because everything hurt so much.

And now I find myself sitting alone staring at what used to be my scenario, what used to be my home, it had been the first Cheerio's competition I'd miss and I was just staring at the empty football field remembering the sound of the crowd and the loud music that played as they did their routine, without me, not needing me at all. I had become irrelevant and replaceable…

"A disappointment to myself and everyone else".

As I said that out loud the images returned to me, memories of faces and voices telling me how much of a disappointment I had become. And I cried. I cried like I hadn't cried in a very long time, if I'd ever even cried like that. I cried over my father's words and my mom's inability to stand up for me. I cried for Puck and his eyes when we have Beth up. I cried for Beth because I'd never get to know her. I cried because of Coach Sylvester and the Cheerios. I cried for myself, because at that moment I was nothing more than a lonely person feeling sorry for herself.

"Stop it! Stop it right this instant!" more sobs, I can't stop "I said STOP! You will NOT feel sorry for yourself, you hear me! You DID this! You messed it up. You DO NOT get to feel sorry for yourself!" I try to breathe and I try to stop crying. "Man up Fabray and live up to your own fucking mistakes!".

I managed to stop crying as I started to feel furious, furious at myself for allowing such weaknesses. I stopped and looked around feeling the rage build up until my eyes were filled with tears again. Anger tears. I tightened my grab at the bleacher I was seated in and shouted in silence feeling my hands starting to get numb, but I couldn't let go or I'd fall.

I silently screamed all of the anger and the disappointment. I took a deep breath and shouted silently once again, trying to get rid of all the sadness and self pity. I screamed and screamed without letting any sound out. I screamed and screamed until my lungs hurt and I felt exhausted, I let go of the bleacher and lifted my numb hands to my face surprised to feel tears in my cheeks, I didn't even noticed when I had started crying and just sat there, feeling empty and swollen and cold. I couldn't move, I could barely move, I was trying to find the strength to get up and walk away but I feared I would fall or faint if I got up too quickly so I just remained seated while I slowly felt strength return to me.

I finally got up and took one last breath and long look at the football field feeling the emptiness inside me but preparing to ignore it once again. I stood there swallowing my misery one last time and felt like a stranger looking from the outside in, I turned around and started walking. It took me 10 steps until I saw her, Rachel Berry, just standing there looking at me, waiting, and I froze.

"Did she just see that? Why is she here? Why is she here now! Oh God…"

I stood her looking at her trying to harden my eyes, to build up my walls, but I couldn't I was to tired to call my inner bad ass and I didn't know what to do. Nobody was supposed to see me like this, nobody… Specially Rachel Berry. I could feel her gaze over me, expectant, waiting for me to do something.

"Man up Fabray! Look at her! Even if she saw you, you can always find a way to shut her up. Just breathe and LOOK AT HER!"

I gathered what little strength and pride I could at that moment and met her eyes, those big expressive brown eyes and I was surprised by what I found in her look. She was scared, scared, but not as in a "OMG she's about to slushy me" scared, this was different, it was almost as if she was scared for me and not by me. But that didn't make sense at all! Why the hell should she fear for me! … It was almost as if…. As if she cared….

"No, that's not possible. NO ONE cares".

I looked deeper into her eyes trying to find something more, something else, I didn't even know what it was I was looking for, I just knew there had to be something else…

"Why did she have to be here now? And standing in my way!... did … Did she follow me here or something! No one knew I was here….".

And my feet start to move, I make my way towards her, every step closer without ever looking anywhere else, I walked hard and sure of myself trying to get her to flinch, or look away, or just move the hell out of my way! I intensified my gaze just 3 steps away from her and that did it, I don't know what she saw but it worked, she lowered her eyes and looked down and I felt satisfied, satisfied and tired.

"Move already!".

But she didn't, so I walked around her very slowly, almost like not wanting to leave, something inside me wanted her to do something, and just as I was beside her I saw it. Her hand move, almost grabbing mine, but it stopped and she pulled back. And I remembered, I am unreachable and untouchable and my strength came back.

I looked at her and walked away, closing my hand in a fist, and so did she. I felt something deflate in me…. Did I want her to reach out? I've always been cold and distant to everybody. But with her I'd always been mean and cruel… Why was she the only one that always tried to reach out to me?

I walked away confused and feeling my heart pressed against my chest again. I walked away… I just walked away as I always did. I could feel her gaze so I lifted my chin in my HBIC pose and left, I left quickly before I broke down again. I wanted to run but I couldn't, I was better than that, I was supposed to be stronger than that, I wasn't supposed to let myself breakdown, let alone let anyone watch me break down.

"You are a Fabray God dammit! ACT LIKE ONE!".

And with that I got into my car and drove away clearing my head and heart from everything that had happened earlier.