Zoran's two cents

"The both of you are stupid!"

By Dan Rush

Astro Boy 2003 © Tezuka Productions LTD. All Rights Respected.

You want MY opinion of what's going on between Astro and Atlas? Well….they're both silly, maybe bordering on stupid but I'm being generous. It's typical of bossy big brothers you know, when they can't pick on their little sister they end up beating each other to scrap metal.

It's enough trouble having ONE know-it-all brother. "Don't do that Zoran! Stop it Zoran! Listen to me Zoran! I'm only looking out for you Zoran!" How about you get the saddle off Zoran's back ASTRO!

Then there's Atlas, who while cool looking and awesome, is just as bad as Astro! "Don't do that!" "That's not a good idea!" How about you stop tagging cars and acting like a creep? Or can't that compute through that rock of a brain of yours?

All my friends are right….boys are stupid and brothers are just dumb rocks. It's not that I don't love my brothers, don't get me wrong, it's just that I find it hard to come to any logical explanation for the near caveman like behavior they display around town.

Take last week for example. I was shopping at the Ginza with my friends when Astro comes sailing through this big picture window and trashes this water fountain! I guess it started when he caught Atlas "tagging" a truck, something about not paying the robot drivers enough money or something, well anyway Astro told him to stop. Now what do you think happens next? Do I have to explain "boy-cology" the study of Neolithic imbecility?

"Make me!" The classic starting phrase, level 5 on the Def-boy-con scale. Then Atlas pushed Astro, now we go right to Def-boy-con 3, the silly pushing dance of cave-dweller dominance. Back and forth….till Astro decided the answer was his fist!

Boom! Def-boy-con one! The manly art of mutual assured destruction! Only it's mutual destruction of the Ginza. And who would have guessed that while all us girls are fleeing for our very lives through the hail of flying debris, where's Astro's pals? They're all standing there like dim-witted missile targets cheering the devastation!

I'm telling you! All boys are brainless idiots!

So after this tornado of tantrum-tramatic spinning was finished expending itself through every shop and kiosk within a 100 yard radius of us gathered and terrified shoppers, where do you think Astro and Atlas ended up?

In the middle of the debris field screaming at each other! I swear if I gave them wooden clubs and leopard skins they'd look like Fred and Barney at the bowling alley!

I had it! I walked up to them and snatched them both by the ears…"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND CUT IT OUT!"

Now….you would hope, a slim hope by the way, that these two dim wits would realize the utter devastation, terror and destruction they caused with their idiotic display. Oh no…fat chance on that…

"What? Zoran, get away…you'll get hurt!"

"Huh?...Who asked for you to get involved?"

"Shut up! Look at what you did Atlas!"

"Me? You started it dork!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

Push, push, push….see where this is going?

"BOTH OF YOU STUPID IDIOTS CUT IT OUT!" I screamed so hard that I must have broke every remaining pane of glass in the Ginza. I never knew I could do this till then but I grabbed both of them and put such a jolt of electricity through their circuits that I broke the Olympic shot put record for sure! They flew at least a football field and a half before they landed.

"Giggles" Then I turned to Astro's friends and showed them my glowing hands. "You boys want the same treatment?" They wisely ran.

"Sigh"…Boys, what can you do with them? I love you Astro but sometimes you sound like Brainy Smurf, who's equally annoying. Do you know you spend more time pointing out flaws than fixing them? You always tell Atlas he's doing wrong but do you ever spend the time to show him anything right? You're a regular Mister Know-it-all and a master of nothing. Tuff when your little troublemaker sister can out think you huh?

And Atlas. I know humans make your skin itch but what have you done to make robots better? Do you think tagging things with stupid phrases, You really need to work on that spelling too, trashing vehicles and factories and being a general jerk does anything good? How about you help robots to actually achieve something instead of complaining all the time? Here's a reality slap in your face….most robots hate you! You're not the popular robo-avenger you think yourself to be, we're tired of you trashing things and hearing the humans complain about it. Astro might think giving you second chances is a good idea but he's a boy….I'm not. Cut it out!

The both of you need to quit the knuckle dragging and cave grunting, I swear all boys are missing links, if you can't find a way to resolve your problems in a kinder, diplomatic fashion I'll throw you both in a big steel ball and roll your brainless butts down Mount Everest. Maybe that will solve all our problems!

Zoran

P.S. All boys are from the tar pits, they sure smell like it. Both of you need to bath more!