Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter.

Further Disclaimer: This is (still) a humorous story regarding a universe-hopping Harry Potter, who travels to alternate realities to experience Hogwarts and fight Voldemort over and over again... Characters and events may widely differ from canon.

"I was discussing a project with my mother over the summer…"

Eleven words which Harry had learned from painful experience across countless universes to dread when uttered by Luna Lovegood. Why did it have to be this Luna, in this universe uttering those words in a year that was going to be so crucial, Harry was sure? Apart from double-checking the contents of a safety deposit box he had stashed his junk-shop find in, Harry had spent the last days of the summer holiday trying to figure out how the blood-wards had worked in this universe, given it had been a house-elf that took a killing curse for him. He had concluded that loyal house-elves counted as 'family', in at least the same sense as a mother's sister… but thinking about it too much made his head spin, and for some reason Richelieu had sent him a packet of information for prospective candidates for the French auror service. Was Richelieu intending to call in the various debts Harry was racking up and insist he sign up?

"What is it, Luna?" Harry groaned. He was waiting on a station platform in Paris with Luna, on their way to Beauxbatons.

"Not the reaction I was expecting." Luna looked at him suspiciously. "Have I told you this before?"

"Not in this life." Harry replied. "Go on then."

"Well actually, I got the idea from the Beauxbatons Express, which is of course pulled by a very big specific blue duck." Luna continued.

"I thought it was pulled by a steam locomotive." Harry said.

"It's pulled by a mallard, Harry. They have a deal with the museum where it usually lives in York. They slip the curator a bag of gold under the entry desk when it comes close to the start or end of a term, and leave a replica in place good enough to fool most muggle museum goers. Anyway, as I said, seeing as how the Beauxbatons Express is pulled by a duck, and since you and Draco were going on about aerial sports a couple of years ago, I thought why not chariot racing, with chariots pulled by pteradactyls? I mean it's not as if anyone else has found a use for them since the species was rediscovered with the assistance of flies in amber a couple of years ago, and the velociraptors are doing quite well in a niche as novelty substitute guard-dogs…"

Searching the Beauxbatons Express, Harry found Megaera, surrounded by books in one of the window-seats in the observation car.

She scowled when she saw him approaching, but said something to the other fifth years she was sitting with and they hastily vacated their seats. She flicked her wand accompanied by a muffliato.

"There. We have some privacy. I gathered you might show up, since you went to Azkaban to see Snape over the summer."

Harry peered at the books she was studying as he sat down.

"Aren't those a bit advanced for your age?"

"I'm a Black." she scathingly replied as if that explained everything. She eyed Harry with seeming dislike. "Do I understand correctly that you are considering a career in the French auror service?"

"Maybe." he said. "I'm certainly thinking about it."

Megaera's scowl was back briefly.

"That being the case, you will be discreet, I trust, from the point of view of not wishing to get your future boss in hot-water. And if you have any second thoughts about working for someone sensible…" She twirled her wand, menacingly.

Harry found it weird looking at Megaera knowing she was in all likelihood his half-sister, and even weirder being threatened by her.

"Why did mum leave me with the Dursleys in Privet Drive?" Harry asked.

"Did that fallen angel suck your brains out?" she snapped. "Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, one of the politically most powerful wizards of the time placed you with the Dursleys. Mum was in hiding from Death Eaters and supposed to be dead. She still is on the latter count as far as most of the world is concerned. If she'd snatched you covertly, Dumbledore would have been looking for you at once and whomever took you. If she'd declared herself and reclaimed you she'd have been a marked woman. Initially it was for the best – she figured her sister wouldn't treat you too badly, and later when it became apparent you had a soul-fragment of Tom Marvolo Riddle buried in your forehead, it would have been a liability to have had you around. Once Tom was back killing you became a real option – it would have been a mercy killing – rather than see you turned into some puppet of his. Fortunately for you, when she went to Privet Drive last summer to do it, she discovered you'd already found out what was in your forehead and had the sense to remove it." Megaera paused. "That was clever, going to the goblins." she allowed. "Mum hadn't thought that they might be able to take it out."

Well that confirmed who had slipped past the blood-wards and dosed Harry and the Dursleys with sleeping draught…

In the end, Harry and Megaera reached a sort of truce. Without getting Megaera's permission first Harry would not even hint that they might be related, or that they might share a mother who was most definitely alive, and Megaera would not hex him into oblivion. She definitely had her mother's temper, Harry concluded, and naming her after a fury had been entirely appropriate.

Richelieu gave Harry a couple of days to settle in and get used to being a seventh year student at Beauxbatons, then turned up at Beauxbatons, borrowed the headmistress's study, and invited Harry along for 'a quiet little chat'.

"You spoke with Severus Snape, I gather, before the end of the holiday, Mr. Potter. That's splendid, as I trust that you now have a better appreciation of some of the intricacies of what has been going on around Privet Drive recently." Richelieu commenced their one-on-one discussion. "Now, shortly after the criminal attack at the end of July upon yourself, a student of a French school, the French magical government put in a request with the British Ministry of Magic, requesting the extradition of one Tom Marvolo Riddle, alias Lord Voldemort, alias 'You-Know-Who', on the grounds that at the very least he was a suspected witness to the case and we wanted to question him. The British Minister for Magic himself, Albert Runcorn, intervened to squelch the request, making a series of uncomplimentary remarks about 'interfering French busybodies', and stating that if there was any case proven to answer, then Mr. Riddle would answer it in a British court, but that for now the man was absolutely free of any crimes or suspicion of having committed any crimes. Which makes it clear that Mr. Runcorn is either under an Imperius curse, is crazy, or is exceptionally stupid…."

Harry tried to think of all the Albert Runcorns he'd known – and occasionally imitated with polyjuice – across multiple universes, and really couldn't make up his mind which of Richelieu's theories might be more likely correct.

"I can't see Mr. Runcorn likely being helpful with the horcrux situation, either, Mr. Potter." Richelieu went on after a moment, seeing Harry had no thoughts to contribute. "It may not come as any surprise to you to learn that Lord Voldemort – as I shall style him for now since that is the name he most frequently uses – has made it exceptionally difficult to eliminate himself by means of devices containing fragments of his soul known as horcruxes. Short of inducing him to feel some remorse, which would pull his soul back together with possibly immediately disastrous consequences for him, there are a shortage of ways to permanently deal with him without hunting down and undoing his horcruxes. We have an expert on him, however, whom we can compel to cooperate if necessary, and he believes that Lord Voldemort may have fashioned a total of six horcruxes, using if possible items associated with Hogwarts founders. Our expert also thinks, and I have to concur, that a seemingly animate snake tattoo currently sported by Bellatrix Lestrange, may be one of Voldemort's horcruxes." (Harry remembered here the tattoo he'd glimpsed in the picture of Bellatrix paying Voldemort's fine, and how he had thought there was something odd about it.) "We have been trying to locate and track horcruxes for a number of years, given the mess the last dark lord made of Europe – at a time when I was regrettably out of favour with the French government – and have, however, run into an interesting obstacle: Regulus Arcturus Black appears to be interested in Voldemort's horcruxes too. Since Regulus tends to keep his own council, we're unclear at this time if he intends to use them to blackmail Lord Voldemort, to keep them as a form of 'insurance', or is just interested in destroying them, but he almost managed to obtain the services of our own expert on the horcruxes."

"Who is?" Harry asked, since that was clearly what was expected of him.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle. Or at least the memories of his younger self, which he made into one of his horcruxes, in the form of a 'diary'."

"Wait a moment: You've got the diary?" Harry sat bolt upright. "Are you taking precautions to make sure it doesn't possess anyone? Is it kept somewhere safe and well away from any dangerous snake creatures? And how are you persuading it to cooperate?"

The French authorities had acquired Tom Marvolo Riddle's diary at a charity auction of the late Peter Pettigrew's effects immediately after the end of the British wizarding war. They had outbid Regulus Black for it, and had had to fend off two attempts by suspected agents of Regulus to steal it, before it arrived on French soil and could be secured under constant armed guard.

Upon learning just who had acquired the diary, Regulus had apparently conceded the field with ill grace, though he occasionally wrote pestering letters to the French Ministry to try and gain access to it.

Cardinal Richelieu assured Harry that it was being adequately monitored, had failed to possess anyone since arriving in French hands, and that cooperation was enforced on days when it was proving recalcitrant by giving it to children too young to have learnt to read yet, along with a packet of coloured crayons, and it being left alone with them to be drooled on, scribbled in, or occasionally been sick upon as they saw fit.

Harry was thankful he wasn't on an opposite side to Richelieu. Anyone who could devise a plan to torture Tom Riddle's diary by giving it to a bunch of toddlers and telling them to draw pretty pictures in it was someone he didn't ever want to cross. Heck, Albus Dumbledore, in all the universes Harry had known him, had never come up with a plan like that. Albus' plans for interrogating the diary tended to involve quills which used diluted solutions of basilisk venom or of Harry's blood for ink.

There was one thing which Harry asked Richelieu if he could check with the diary, the next time he was in the vicinity of it – Harry was curious as to how accurate some of the theories that Binns had propounded might be? Yes, Binns had been a deranged ghost, out to humiliate and destroy Albus Dumbledore – although Harry couldn't entirely blame him for that, as there were some Dumbledores he'd wanted to do that and worse to – but that didn't mean he'd got his research wrong or made it up…

It was only once the discussion was over and Harry had left, that he belatedly realised he'd been so concerned about the Horcrux situation that he'd never asked the wily Richelieu just what his expectations were – if any – regarding Harry possibly joining the French aurors?

The first part of the term passed relatively quietly, with occasional news coming out of Britain of how the Minister was putting more aurors on the streets, or launching another new 'security initiative' given all those pardons that the Fudge administration had issued to Death Eaters – who actually seemed to be behaving themselves for now. Of course, if they were in league with Runcorn, they didn't actually need to do anything, since he was effectively taking over the country for them; the words 'Police State' seemed depressingly apt to Harry. Harry heard nothing further from Richelieu, beyond a brief written account of a consultation with the diary which seemed to suggest that, broadly speaking, Binns had actually got a thing or two correct about the childhood of Tom Marvolo Riddle. Apparently Richelieu was waiting for further developments before being interested in seeking to involve Harry further in whatever it was he was doing, but Harry had no idea just what those developments might be.

Luna, meanwhile, had somehow managed to persuade the headmistress of Beauxbatons to obtain two dozen pteradactyls to be kept in a specially constructed aviary, and Luna frequently disappeared in the evenings and during odd lunch-hours into a workshop where Harry was certain she was pursing her 'chariot racing' idea. Occasionally Luna's mother floo'ed over to Beauxbatons to assist her daughter.

Draco's sister had a moderately interesting piece of news at lunchtime on Hallowe'en. A message had arrived for Megaera, with the crests of the British Ministry of Magic and of Azkaban, in the middle of a morning lesson, and she'd had to ask the teacher leave to depart the class, citing some sort of 'family emergency' and hadn't been seen since. Harry wondered what was going on, as there was still no sign of her by the time of the school's evening meal.

The next morning, Harry had his answers, the newspaper headlines of various papers screaming: 'Battle of the seven Blacks!' and 'British Ministry seized in coup as head of Ancient and Noble House deposes Minister'

Apparently Regulus had got his crazy elder brother, Sirius, released from Azkaban, and the senior members of the Black family, Megaera included, had then moved on the Ministry of Magic and removed Albert Runcorn, on some grounds or other involving the Imperius curse and the administration being 'unfit for purpose'.

And there, on the front page of various newspapers, wand held in battle-stance, and striking a pose almost reminiscent of Marianne, was a sight Harry had longed and dreaded to see – the woman who was both Regulus Black's mistress and Harry's mother, alongside the two elder Black brothers and several of her children.

He found it rather disturbing seeing just how fierce and battle-hardened she looked.

"Ummm." said Draco, who on his mother's side was related to the Blacks, and who had looked over several of the papers already. "Apparently the head of an ancient and noble house handing over gold so his brother can help with a nifty coup d'etat counts as 'substantive new evidence' sufficient to obtain an Azkaban release. I hope whomever let Uncle Sirius out of Azkaban has the sense to be hiding in a rather deep hole from any survivors of the Runcorn administration right now, though; I imagine Runcorn and his henchmen must be a bit sore about this… Still, Uncle Sirius wasn't an actual Death Eater and probably only helped them under magical duress, so presumably him being out is good news for those who are anti-Voldemort, right Harry?"

Author Notes:

We progress slowly, etc, etc. I have not forgotten this story. It's just I'm working on several things at once at present.

On with the important stuff.

Luna talking about 'a very big specific blue duck' is referring to the A4 Pacific Mallard which (at least at the time of my writing this, on the 26th April, 2012) still holds the world speed record for a steam locomotive. It seemed to me the sort of classy statement a school such as I imagine Beauxbatons to be would make, borrowing the world's official fastest steam-locomotive to haul the Beauxbatons Express. I imagine they have a matching rake of streamlined coaches (possibly with undetectable expansion charms if more space is needed) to go with it. Yes, they could probably use a magic powered imitation locomotive (as the Harry Potter Wikipedia 'Hogwarts Express' entry seems to me to indicate the Hogwarts Express does by the time Harry Potter attends Hogwarts in canon) but that seems to me to be rather losing the point of using something which resembles a steam-locomotive in the first place...

Lord Voldemort handed the Diary to Peter Pettigrew to look after, in this particular alternate universe, since Peter was the loyal fanatical servant, and Lucius Malfoy was only a compelled flunkey operating under the Imperius curse. When Sirius killed Peter, Peter's effects went up for auction shortly afterwards, and the French government came by it pretty much as Richelieu mentions to Harry.

It probably wasn't necessary to have a 'battle of the seven Blacks', but seven is a magical number and it seemed vaguely appropriate. Given that Megaera (a fifth year student) would have been the oldest of Regulus & Lily's children able to participate, I suspect that the three adults participating (Regulus, Lily, and Sirius) did most of the 'heavy lifting' involved in overthrowing the magical government of Britain.

Thanks for reviews! The rest of the seventh year will be along at some point, hopefully with flying chariots and Voldemort's latest insidious bid for world domination (or something like that). Someone thought it would be funny to force him to watch a marathon session of James Bond films, whilst he was in French custody over the biwizard tournament, which in retrospect may not have been such a good idea...

Update: The Marianne that Harry thinks of towards the end is national emblem of France, considered a personification of the French republic. Apologies for not being clearer on that point. Harry's been attending school in France for three and a bit years by now, and at least some of the culture has started to sink in...

Further Update: Whilst stories of living tattoos pop up occasionally in fantasy literature, the living snake tattoo horcrux in this case may have been inspired in particular by the Doctor Who stories Kinda and Snakedance.