Disclaimer and all that good crap: I do not own the X-men and unfortunately am not making any money from this.

A/N: Just so ya know, this is indeed a crack fic. Pun definitely intended.

Chapter 1: Remy's Butt Wound

Laying face-down on the dusty attic floor, Remy thought: Blinding pain. That was the first thing he registered. A white-hot poker had just stabbed his body and dug in. It demanded every bit of his attention at once. If a parade of dancing gorillas had gone by him at that moment, he wouldn't have noticed. Somewhere close to him, Rogue was hovering, panicky and tense, her hands making wild gestures as she kept saying something.

Someone behind them was screaming. It sounded a lot like Amara, who screamed and screamed and screamed and then took a breath and started screaming again. Next to her Kurt was saying something, but he couldn't hear for all the screaming, and before he could ask what he had said he heard a bamf and Kurt was gone.

A girly, yet shaky voice said, "Like, stop screaming already," then a slapping noise reached his ears and the screaming stopped.

Now he could hear what Rogue was saying. And also what Bobby was saying. And what Tabitha and Jean and John were saying. He stared, trying to remember why John was even here as he caught just snatches of what everyone was saying-

Rogue looked like she was almost in tears. "I'm sorry-"

"We'll get you some help." Jean said calmly.

"-And in the butt, too!" John looked like he was enjoying himself.

"I can ice it-" Bobby offered.

"-in the butt!" Tabitha said, her lips twitching with amusement.

Surely he had heard that wrong. Remy closed his eyes and tried to drown them out, but found that this only put more of his attention on his throbbing wound. He grimaced and tried to think of something else to get his mind off of it.

It wasn't like he had thought about it a lot, but getting shot was not like he had ever imagined how it would be. People got shot from standing in the bank when suddenly it was getting robbed, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time during a police chase, or in war or being an X-man on a dangerous mission. Never in a million years had he thought that he would get shot by Rogue. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Two seconds after he professed his love for her.

A lot of miserable things had happened to him in his lifetime, but this just topped the cake. The only woman he had ever loved shot him. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Two seconds after he professed his love for her. Not only was this painful emotionally and physically, but it was also quite embarrassing. All he wanted now was to know why. Why had she shot him? What had possessed her to do such a thing?

He cracked his eyes open and found everyone still hovering over him and talking all at once-

Tears were leaking out of Rogue's eyes now. "I didn't-"

"-care for gun-shot victims-" Jean was going on matter-of-factly.

"-and then it blew up-" John was telling Tabitha.

"-in the butt…" Kitty said, wide-eyed as she stared at him.

He had to find out why this had happened. Remy turned slightly towards Rogue and opened his mouth-

Bamf.

Kurt was back and had brought Ororo with him. She snapped at everyone; they all backed off at once and she took the opportunity to kneel down next to him.

"We've called an ambulance, Remy. You're going to be fine." She said calmly. "Jean, can you get him downstairs carefully?"

"Is it ok to move him?" Jean asked.

"It will be fine," Ororo nodded. "Just be careful. Remy," she turned her gaze down to him. "How does it feel? Can you feel your legs?"

How did it feel? Remy couldn't help but feel immensely annoyed at this question. He knew Ororo only meant well, but really? How does it feel?

"Well Ororo," he ground out through his teeth, "It sort of feels like I just got shot in the ass."

"And your legs? Can you feel them?" She asked, unperturbed by his tone.

"Yes. They're fine. It's my ass that's on fire." He snapped. Somewhere close by he could have sworn he heard John snickering.

"Ok, we're going to move you downstairs now; the ambulance is on its way..."

Her voice faded as his mind drifted. He was so…confused. Rogue had shot him. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Just a moment after he had said that he loved her. For the first time ever. It was the first time he had ever said it to her, let alone say it to anyone at all. And she had shot him for it. WHY? Of all the reactions and scenarios he had gone over in his head, he had never thought that she would attack him so violently.

Obviously, she had tried to kill him and missed. But why would she want to kill him? And why was her aim so bad? And if she had wanted to kill him, why had she done it today of all days? Remy didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but he knew one thing for certain. His feelings were hurt.

…As was his butt.

His butt was one thing. The damage to his perfectly shaped buttocks that he had worked tirelessly to gain was nothing to scoff at. It was his butt. He wouldn't be sitting down for months. But his feelings were something else entirely. He had kept his heart so closely guarded for so long…and just when he decided to share a little with someone else…what was he thinking? He didn't have any bits of heart left to share. Rogue unknowingly owned the whole thing.

And now she had shot a bullet straight through his butt and shattered his heart.

Never let it be said that Remy Lebeau was not a tad dramatic. But it was nothing compared to Rogue, Remy thought viciously, who shot the men who loved her.

He barely noticed that Jean had levitated him down to the foyer. She carefully set him face-down on the floor again. He turned his head and pressed his cheek against the cool hardwood, barely registering the sound of wheels rolling in his direction.

"Ororo, what is your assessment?" Charles' calm voice spoke from somewhere to Remy's left.

"Well I'm not a professional, Charles, so I can't say." Ororo responded. "But he can feel his legs so that's a good sign."

"Professor, I didn't mean to!" Rogue suddenly cut in. "It was an accident! I just-"

She suddenly quieted and Remy did not look to see if he was right, but he imagined that the Professor had held up a hand to silence her. "Now is not the time for explanations. We must focus all of our attention on Remy's wound. I don't intend to panic anyone, but his life may hang in the balance-"

"More like my ass," Remy muttered.

"-and we must put forth every effort into helping him at his time of need." Charles went on. "Kurt. Go get a towel; we need to put pressure on the wound."

Bamf.

"Jean, why don't you take Amara upstairs to lie down? She's looking a bit pale."

"Yes Professor," Jean murmured.

Bamf. "Here's the towel, Professor." Kurt said as he returned.

"Good." Charles said approvingly. "Go put pressure on the wound."

A moment of silence passed as Remy kept his eyes shut tight and tried to pretend that he was lying on a sunny beach in the Caribbean, thousands of miles from Rogue and the rest of these people. Then- "EW! Professor!" Kurt yelled. "I'm not touching his BUTT!"

"Kurt!" Rogue sounded exasperated. "Fine, give it to me and I'll-"

"No!" Remy hollered as his eyes flung open. "You stay away!"

"But-"

"Exactly." Remy said flatly. "You don't touch it."

"But Remy!"

"No."

"I didn't mean-"

"I said no."

"It was an accident!"

Remy scoffed. "A likely story. But I mean it, Rogue! Don't touch my butt, you've done enough damage."

Silence followed before Rogue finally answered in a tiny voice. "Ok…I'll just go wait outside for the ambulance."

"Wow, that was like, so mean!" Kitty told him once Rogue had left.

"WHAT!" Remy gaped up at her from the floor. "MY BUTT IS IN RIBBONS!"

Despite the—er—seriousness of the situation, Kitty giggled but quickly turned it into a cough at the look she received from her Professor. "Oh come on," she said airily, waving a hand as though he was being silly. "It's not in ribbons…it's just…got one more hole than it should."

From the corner, John snorted loudly before collapsing on the floor in fits of laughter.

"I HATE YOU JOHN!" Remy roared, silently swearing vengeance on everyone for this. There was going to be hell to pay for this one. There was going to be a lot of whoopee cushions thrown under a lot of butts, there would be a lot of chairs suddenly pulled out of under a lot of butts, and there would be lots and lots of…um…pranks that had something to do with their behinds. Because if they were going to be such a pain in his derriere at such a time, then he would see to it that the favor was returned ten-fold.

Ten minutes later, John was still laughing, two paramedics were inspecting Remy's behind with utmost seriousness, and Rogue was smoking a cigarette to calm her nerves. Then she remembered that she shouldn't smoke, and promptly tossed it away, straight into a shrub. Needless to say, the shrub caught fire and nearly set the mansion on fire before John arrived to put it out. Rogue nearly cried again.

But that's not important—what was important was that Remy was in the ambulance, being carted away and drowning in his butt sorrows.

"So how did this happen?" The bald paramedic asked him.

Remy was still asking himself that question. Why would Rogue shoot him? All he had said was, "Anna, I love you." And she had replied by coming at him like a crazed lunatic! Remy groaned sadly into the stretcher he had been placed on. That was the only response he was going to give for now. He didn't want to think about what had happened. Though forgetting about it was slightly difficult…since his butt was on FIRE.

Another ten minutes later and Remy was being wheeled into the emergency room. The doctor came over and promptly dropped his clipboard straight onto Remy's rump.

Ten minutes after that, after Remy was finished calling the doctor every name he could think of, he moaned again, but this time because said doctor had stuck a needle in his arm and injected some great pain medication…

A while later, the bullet had been removed, Remy's buttcheek stitched up, and he was allowed one visitor. Professor X came in and naturally, everyone else snuck in too.

Being laid out face-down on a hospital bed while his butt was propped up on display (covered, but displayed nonetheless) did nothing to make him appear menacing. Even so, he sent the strongest glare he could in Rogue's direction when she came in, looking like a sad puppy.

"What are you doin' here?" he glared.

"Remy-" she tried in an apologetic tone of voice but he was having none of it. He interrupted before she could continue.

"No." he said firmly. "Remy don't wanna hear your apologies. There ain't no point in hearing what you got to say."

"On the contrary, Remy," Professor X spoke, his hands already folded in their customary fashion, fingertip to fingertip. "This was a shooting. Rest assured, the authorities will become involved. It is standard procedure for the law to look into every shooting. Going by what I'm hearing from Rogue, this was an accident. You seem to disagree. I think, perhaps, it would be wise to hear what you all have to say so that maybe we could get the story straight."

The last thing Remy wanted was to hear this story told over and over again, but to hear everyone's warped versions of it sounded even more horrible. He would rather get shot again.

But Kitty seemed to disagree. "Oo! Oo! Like, me first!"

"Why do you go first?" Rogue asked in annoyance. "Did you even see it happen?"

"Oh don't be jealous because I get to go first," Kitty replied flippantly. "Like, ok everybody, this is like, how it went…"