I sat my duffel bag down on the dusty concrete beside me. It was time to go again. As hard as it was to leave my daughter and mother behind me, I wanted to go. My mother was desperate to understand why I was willing to be deployed again. She kept prodding me about going to college, getting a normal low level job like most people in their 20's when they are going to school… But to me, this job was a lot better compared to standing at a cash register all damn day just to earn 200 bucks a week. My daughter, Adriana, clung to my legs and squeezed. I put my hand on her dark haired head gingerly and patted her trying to keep the tears from running down my eyes.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Gia?" my mom asked staring right past my restrain. She was still beautiful in her mid-40's with her black hair starting to gray, her eyes still a warm color of honey. She was very solid and her face had the permanent markings of smile. My mouth pulled up into a slight smile.

"How far you think they'd wait to come hunt me down?" I asked jokingly. I could hear Adriana sobbing quietly. She was still in a death grip around my legs. "Aud, don't cry. Mommy will be back soon," I said in a reassuring voice. I knelt down to her level and held her small face in my hands. She rubbed her eyes frantically and started at me.

"Boys at school say you won't…" she trailed off. I shook my head.

"Boys are stupid, Aud. Has Mommy came back the last 2 times?" I asked calmly. She nodded and sniffled a few times. "Then why are you so worried now?" She shrugged and looked down at her feet. "Mommy will always come home, baby. I would fight the world to make it back to you. No one can keep me away from you. Not even God."

"You'll be back for my next birthday right?"

"Yes, I will."

"Because 7 is way more important than 6, Mommy. Because you promised next year I could ride the roller coaster at the park."

"Yes, baby." I kissed her cheek and picked her up to hug her tightly one last time. My mom hugged us both. "You better write to me every day. Tell me about boys, homework, Spongebob… I don't care… just write to me okay?" I could feel my emotions rising in my throat. It was that choking feeling when you know you are about to cry your eyes out. It burned like hell.

"Yes, Mommy." I sat her down and swallowed as hard as I could to put the feelings away. My mom hugged me tightly. I could smell her shampoo in her hair, the bacon she fried this morning, and I just closed my eyes to take it all in.

"We'll send you a care package in a couple of months," she whispered in my ear between sobs. "Just write back and send us pictures of your amazing tan." I smiled. She kissed me on the cheek and I kissed her back. I took a step back and smoothed back my dark brown bun.

"Will you take George with you?" Adriana asked me holding up her favorite sock money. He was purple with dingy white hands and feet. I smiled at her and held him up.

"Why don't you keep him, Aud? I'm sure he'll get really hot where I'm going and besides, who's he going to snuggle with at night?"

"You." I smiled and bent down to kiss her cheek.

"I would feel better if I knew he was watching over you with Mamaw." She took him from my hands and smiled. A bus pulled up behind me and I knew it was time to go. The driver honked the horn numerous times, putting everyone's goodbyes on hold. I watched as the other 20 soldiers paused and turned to look at the bus. An officer slowly climbed out onto the concrete and removed his sunglasses.

"Time to go," he said flatly looking around at all of us. I hoisted my duffel bag onto my back and reached down to kiss Adriana one more time.

"I love you, Mommy," she cooed.

"I love you too, baby. Be a good girl for Mamaw."

"I will." I turned to my mom and felt my eyes swell up again.

"I love you, mom," I muttered out, trying to hold it in.

"I love you too, angel. Be safe." I nodded and turned on my heel towards the bus.

"Bags under the bus, soldiers," the officer barked out as he put his sunglasses back on. I tossed my duffel bag in one of the bins and stood in the short line that had formed to get on. The officer had pulled out a clipboard and was highlighting people's names as they boarded. I wasn't interested in catching anyone's names, because everyone would be going somewhere different. "Name?" he asked when I stepped to him.

"Rakton, Gia." He highlighted my name and looked back to me.

"Welcome back, Sergeant." I nodded and climbed up the steps. I took the next available seat, next to a window a few rows back. I took notice of how little females there were. There were only two of us on the entire bus. I wasn't shocked, but I could already feel my senses heighten. Women have been scrutinized a lot about going into combat and being around large gaggles of men. I personally have never an issue. I maintain my emotions and make sure I don't draw attention to myself. Most men think of women as too emotionally unstable for combat. Each unit I had been in prior would all make the same jokes about me being too weak. I heard it all throughout boot camp. I heard the snickers and the snide comments. I proved them wrong each time. I wasn't like the rest of the women they had seen before. I wanted to fight, protect our country, and make the world safer for my daughter.

I was constantly asked why I chose the U.S. Army. It was simple. I had my daughter when I was 17 years old. I barely graduated high school. My dad died when I was young and going into the Army seemed like a good escape. Turns out it was. The pay was decent, decent for me, at least… I had a chance to travel and world and make it a better place. Can't do that working at a McDonalds. The Army also pays for school… which was something I desperately needed. Sure, I could have gotten Financial Aid and went to school for free, but I just felt so guilty going about it that way. I stared out of the window to watch my mom and daughter one last time. My mom was holding Adriana while they both cried. I felt the bus jerk and I watched them fade into the distance as we pulled away. I was going to be back. I was going to survive.

I landed my feet safely on the sandy hell soon enough. It was hotter than I remembered and bright as fuck. My skin immediately beaded up with sweat. I put my sunglasses on and walked out of the cargo hold into my safe haven. The place I could do the job I was actually good at: following orders, fixing wounds, killing, and fighting. I readjusted my duffel bag and waited for more orders. A General walked up to a small podium and gave orders. There were 50 new additions to Camp Independence that was already populated with 400 soldiers. We were given a quick rundown about where the mess hall, commissary, and rec rooms were. Women shared small rooms attached by a bathroom on the east part of the camp for safety reasons. Men were in bunks of 4, but some had the freedom of being in individual rooms if they were in a special squad or high enough rank. They all shared a few major bathrooms since there were more of them and they were less likely to be sexually attacked. Recruits of squads were released while the rest of the group, all 45 of them, had to stay behind for further instruction. An officer stood by an American flag waving a clipboard at the 5 of us who were a part of a special squad. "Rakton," he said my name in a short, angry voice, "you're to meet Team Havoc in the main hall, in room A5."

"Thank you, sir." I walked quickly across the sand. I missed that weird feeling of walking on sand. I swiped a streak of sweat off of my brow and removed my hat and sunglasses as I opened the door. Air conditioning rushed over my body. I felt relief. I was so happy to be in air conditioning even if it was only for a few minutes. I opened the door to A5 and took a look at my new squad. My new family for the next 12 months. A man was standing at the head of a podium. His blonde hair in a crew cut, his face clean shaven, jaw set, he looked me square in the eyes.

"Sergeant Rakton?" the man asked. His voice was rough. I gave a curt nod. "Sergeant William James of Team Havoc," he stated. I came to attention and saluted. He saluted back. "At ease, Rakton." The two men sitting in the plastic chairs looked me over. One was black with short hair and a small jaw. He looked meaner than a snake and just as easy to temper. His was face was unfriendly to me. The other seemed more timid, but it might have just been his baby face. He was a deep red, due to the sun. "This is Sergeant J.T. Sanborn and Specialist Owen Eldridge." I nodded at the both of them. Owen gave me a small smile and a nod while Sanborn just nodded and folded his arms over his chest. "Do you know what Team Havoc does, Rakton?"

"Team Havoc is a bomb squad, correct?" He nodded. "They disarm bombs, go on patrols, ensure the safety of others..." He held his hands up and stared out of the window.

"Good to know that you've done your homework. I'll be honest with you, I haven't led this unit before, but I am very experienced and have disarmed more bombs than the rest of these pricks out here. I'm not a tight ass either. I am not here to be leader of the year or any of that shit. But I'll keep your asses alive and I am damn good at what I do."

"Sounds good, sir."

"We'll all be serving out this rotation together. This rotation ends next June. I understand that's longer than the 12 months we planned on, but that's life out here. You should all know shit changes out here." That was going to make Adriana very unhappy. That was 2 months longer than I was originally told. I wasn't going to be home in time for her birthday, but at this point I didn't have a choice. Raising hell would get me nowhere and it's not like I could just take it upon myself to leave. Like walking through the desert is just like walking through a park or some shit like that. He lit a cigarette and brought his eyes back to mine. "Questions?"

"Where am I bunking, sir?"

"This way." He led me out of the main hall and to the right towards a few small connected rooms. They were all painted white and heavily scratched up from the sand. He opened a door numbered 0220. "Home sweet home." I walked inside and took a look around. There were heavy plywood boards over the windows for mortars and a full size mattress with a nightstand, desk, and two chairs. There were two industrial lights in the ceiling and a small door that led to the bathroom. It had a standard open shower, toilet, sink, and mirror with another industrial light in the ceiling. "Main hall is open all night, rec room and mess hall both close at midnight, and commissary is open all night." I nodded and sat my duffel bag down on the bed and took off my long sleeve BDU, revealing my standard green cotton t-shirt. "Want to gear up?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'll take you out to the garage." Sanborn and Eldridge slowly trudged up to where were and followed as they saw where we were headed. The garage was all the way on the opposite of the base from where my bunk was. It was a good quarter mile if not longer. There were 5 large garages all connected. It looked like an extremely large warehouse. My helmet, gun, 9mm, pack, belt, and bullet proof vest all sat together on the floor next to a Humvee. "This is our Humvee. It always sits here. This is where we all meet when we get a call and for basic patrol." He reached up into the cab of the Humvee and pulled out a radio with a large rubbery antenna. "Keep this on you at all times… while you're sleeping, taking a shit, playing air hockey, going for a run… I don't give a shit what you are doing… this radio is on you and turned on at all times. If I need you for whatever reason this is how I reach you." I nodded and added it to my pile. "Grab your shit and I'll show you where my bunk is in case you need me." I threw my helmet on and pulled on all of my gear, carrying my guns and radio. We walked through the large open space that was in front of the main hall and turned down in between two buildings equal to the entrance of the main hall. James patted a worn out door that read 0195. He turned and I was able to catch the color of his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color. I know it's awkward to call your CO's eye color beautiful, but they just were, especially for a face like his. I hadn't seen him crack a smile since I had spoken to him. I snapped back to reality and nodded. "Dismissed. We'll start early tomorrow at 0700." I started to walk back to my room when Eldridge came running up beside me.

"Need any help?" he asked with a genuine smile.

"Nah, I got it, but thanks." He bowed his head and kept up pace with me.

"You like to play video games or anything?"

"Eh, a little, but no one really shows me how to play. They just let me watch."

"Well, I am looking for someone to play Call of Duty with, if you want me to show you how." I smiled and looked over at him. "How many times have you toured?"

"This is my third time. What about you?" I asked, feeling the weight of my gear dig into my hands and shoulders. I was regretting not accepting his help, but that's just what the other soldiers want to see a woman do. I could tell Eldridge didn't have any ulterior motives when he asked me, I just knew that there were eyes watching my every movement.

"This is my second run. I've been in since I was 18. I'll be 21 next month." I liked his attitude. He was friendly and seemed to be interested in becoming my friend. Being friends in the Army is deadly. After seeing enough combat, you become so close to your squad and they can be taken from you in an instant. I'll never get used to it. Over two tours, I've lost more than my fair share of friends.

"Congrats." I gave him a smile and dropped my gear outside of my door.

"Are you hungry?"

"I could definitely go for some actual food instead of rations."

"Put your shit up and let's go." I stuffed my gear just inside of my door and turned to walk with him. He had a large sweat ring around his shirt, as I did. I felt sticky and gross. I should have showered before I went anywhere, but Eldridge was persistent and I wasn't going to miss out on bonding time with a member of my squad. "I never get used to this heat." He opened the door to the main hall and the breeze blew over the both of us. I let out a long blow of air and felt the stickiness leave my lungs.

"You and me both." The main hall was mostly empty. I could hear guys playing a video game, some playing darts, and watching movies.

"They just started doing movie night out here a month or so ago according to one of my bunk mates. He said they play actual movies and none of that girl shit." I raised my eyebrows at him. His face completely changed from happy go lucky to extremely serious. He diverted his gaze and bit his lip. "I'm sorry, Sergeant. I meant you know –"

"Don't worry about it, Eldridge. I'm used to it. In fact, I prefer you forget I'm a woman and treat me like one of the guys. It's just easier for me. And it makes things less awkward for everyone." He smiled.

"That's a relief." We turned down a long hallway and then into the mess hall. "Can I be honest with you?" he asked compensating for the change in sound. There were a lot of people in the mess hall. There was a lot of talking and a lot of noise.

"Yes."

"I haven't been around many women in uniform, so you'll have to excuse me." I flashed him a warm smile.

"Don't think of me any differently. I am just like you. There's no need to worry." He bobbed his head and handed me a tray.

"Is that okay?" he asked after I took it from his hand.

"Just don't do it too much and we'll be fine." We made our way down the assembly line. There was the same old fruit, vegetables and meat I hadn't missed. I chose a cup of pineapple, a small baked potato and a pulled pork sandwich with a bottle of water. We sat at a table for four just beside a window looking out past a lot of fencing into the horizon where the sun was inching its way down. "You like being out here?" I made a gesture towards the sun as I took a drink of water. His shoulders heaved up and down.

"Sorta," he replied while hunching over his tray. He took a bite of the ravioli he picked out. "I mean-I like being out here-but I don't like all of the death."

"No one does."

"It just gets to me. I hate it."

"It doesn't get any easier," said a familiar voice. I turned to see James standing behind me holding a tray. He sat down across from me beside Eldridge and looked at me. "If anything it gets worse. I can't tell you how many men I've watch die before me."

"Comes with the job."

"If it didn't, it'd be perfect," Eldridge mumbled between a bite of food.

"Nothing's perfect, Eldridge," scoffed James. Eldridge made an indifferent face and shoveled down a few more bites of food. There was a large bang as a tray plopped down on the table beside me. I fought the urge to jump and looked up to see Sanborn standing beside me.

"Except for you, right?" Sanborn spat.

"Sanborn, I've missed your bullshit today." Eldridge smiled at me as James and Sanborn made the same eye contact you see between two duelists right before a fight.

"I'd watch your mouth, Sanborn. Respect your CO," I warned in my 'mommy voice.' My last tour was a lot of fun, I got a long with the other 4 members of my squad. We were a tight unit. They all became my best friends. They were all males of course and all of them joked that I sounded like a mom scolding a little boy when I got angry. It just sort of stuck. Anytime someone would do something wrong another guy would joke "look out, you don't want her to use her mommy voice." Sanborn rolled his eyes, picked his tray up, and walked away. "The hell is up with that?" I asked James. James shrugged and took a bite of his food.

"I don't give a fuck. That moody fuck means dirt to me. I haven't seen him do one thing on patrol besides bitch at me over my techniques."

"How many times have you guys been out without me?"

"Four," answered Eldridge. I nodded.

"I'll turn that shit around."

"Uh, no offense, Rakton, but aren't you two the same rank?"

"My job as a Sergeant is to set an example to privates and specialists, Eldridge. The more he fires his mouth off, the more you all will think it's okay and it's not. James has worked his ass off to earn the title he has. He deserves respect. I don't care how fucked up his methods are."