A/N: I have no idea what this is. Like... this writing doesn't sound like me at all. But oh well... This was inspired by the beautiful song Twelve Days Awake by The American Dollar. I'd suggest for you guys to hear the song. It's really good!

Um... I hope you guys enjoy this and REVIEW and tell me what you thought. It would mean the world to me :)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi.

I.

He thinks he's in a dream because everything is so surreal. He thinks he's never been alive and his life has been a lie. He feels as if he's always been in a never ending dream or maybe he's been in a coma since young.

He feels empty inside – like a casket. He feels that his soul went off without him and he just wants to feel again because everything around him hurts.

And not just for him but for everyone. Her father and mother and sister and brother. And his parents.

And the ambulance takes her body away and he swears under his breath because it's his fault.

And the last thing he knows is that her father is punching him and that he's moving cities.

Far, far away from his past. Where he wants to be.

II.

When he sees the school he thinks he's going to hate it. No, despise it – loathe it. And his mother bugs him to put his frown upside down. So in the first day at a new school he gives her a fake smile and he goes on.

He goes on with his life as if that girl from his past never died. He keeps on living and breathing and he ignores the real world and he's stuck in a world of darkness.

Because, if he's honest to himself and lets himself be awoken by reality he'd loose the only sanity he has ever had.

But when he meets her, he feels saner. More human – less than a monster, but not completely normal. And it's simple. And it's real.

And her blue eyes light up his world along the horizon and he curses at the wind for feeling emotions called love.

III.

He knows she had already won when they share their first kiss. Which wasn't really real, he tells himself.

She calls him a sociopathic jerk. Ding! We have a winner! He is one. And he wants to push her away because she'll end up like the past girl. And he feels remorse when she gets on her bike and leaves him alone.

But he knows, and she knows, and they all know about the elephant floating between them. And he can't help but notice how he's falling so hard for her. And he admits, though not really, that he's frightened.

But he gives it a try.

And they kiss for the first time in the library and all his worries are taken away if only for just a little time. Just for a little while, he's sure that he feels human when they part with a gasp at both ends. And he licks his lips and walks away from her, leaving her breathless.

And he is assured then and there that he found his cure to feel normal once more.

IV.

He was wrong when he thought he could be a bit more normal.

He's insane. He's a monster. And she tells him this. Or, maybe not, but she thinks this. When he sees her with his enemy he goes insane – almost psychotic and fear is etched to her features.

She told him she wanted to be with him, so why should she be scared? He thinks this over and over but he knows he'll loose her one-day. If it weren't for his mother, he's sure he would've been out of this world by now.

And he thinks how dependent he is of someone else and this sickens him but he cherishes the feeling of warmth as his mother hugs him when he tells her about what's going on with his angel.

Clare Edwards. That's her name. And it haunts him.

He gives it a shot and he tells his angel about everything. And she comforts him. Maybe because she pities him? Because she knows that he suffers in the inside? Or could it be love?

He sticks to the last one because that's the one that makes him feel alive.

V.

Everything at the end of the road becomes blurry because she's terrified of him. He knows this for a fact. His life was a ticking time bomb and everything came crashing down on him when he finally lost it.

She never arrived.

She broke her promise so many times, he thinks bitterly, when he gets inside his car and begins to drive. She betrays him by talking to his enemy. By not reciprocating what he feels. But he can't blame her.

Because he's Eli Goldsworthy and she's Clare Edwards and they are on opposite sides of the spectrum and that's how it's supposed to be.

And that's a fact that occurs when she leaves him broken. Not only emotionally, but physically.

VI.

He's glad – at least he thinks so. He's taking pills and he doesn't feel anything and that's all he's ever wanted.

He wants to be numb completely and that's what the pills make him do. Make him feel.

But when she screams at him he can feel some spark deep inside and he suddenly feels a rush of adrenaline wash over him after two weeks of not feeling anything. And he's completely frightened because she's the one that didn't want him in her life.

He results in thinking that he doesn't understand women when he meets a quirky, funny looking girl around his age at school. She tells him to feel and his heart is telling him to not. And he wants to go with his heart but she has such a nice gravitational pull that he agrees and he lets himself free from the cage stopping him from having emotions.

And when he finds his lovely devil called Clare Edwards he gives her a first row show as he dumps his medicine, his lovely assistant, Imogen Moreno, behind him the whole time.

A feeling of disgust washes over him because he notices he really has become a monster, but he ignores it.

He tries.

VII.

She tells him they will never be together. Even though he wants to grab her by the waist and devour her mouth, he knows she means it. Because she has a boyfriend now and he should be over her but he can't.

He can't just let these feelings haunting him go away that simply.

And during his play he admits it to everyone. How messed up and how screwed in the head he really is. And as he catches a glimpse of his beautiful devil – no, angel, he decides at the end, because she's his hero – he notices that after so long of not talking she cares. She does.

At least he hopes this, because he feels he can get better.

If he knows there is someone caring, he knows he'll get better.

Slowly, but surely, he will.

VIII.

When he comes back he feels better. He feels a relief on his shoulders and then he sees her boyfriend. And he sees her. And they are fighting.

For the most ridiculous thing.

And when he helps them confess – and when he tells Clare Edwards that Jake Martin loves her, he wishes she caught that he was telling that to her.

That he was telling her his feelings towards her.

And she doesn't realize this. And he feels heartbroken. But he doesn't mind, because why should he?

Her happiness is his happiness and somewhere deep inside Eli Goldsworthy's soul he feels alive and warmth and normal once more.

IX.

During the dance at the end of the year, his best friend is shot. And he feels as if he's reliving history. He's taken back two years into his life and he feels his world shattering underneath his feet and he can't breathe.

He can't make his lungs work because his friend is bleeding and the girl he loves is sobbing next to him inside a hospital and he wishes he could do something to stop feeling alive for only just a moment.

He wishes he could have those pills he used to take to feel numb.

But his friend is okay after an hour in surgery and his precious treasure is there next to him, smiling through her tears and she tells him something that make his heart sore.

She broke up with him.

Jake Martin was his name.

And though Eli Goldsworthy acts sympathetic towards the woman he loves, deep inside he's happy.

Because after all this time he's always wanted to be with her.

X.

It's summer. And it's hot. And he doesn't own a car. And he wonders why he's going up this trail. He wonder why he wants to go in search of a woman that didn't even leave him a message in three months.

He wonders. And keeps pondering for an answer. But he gives up with a sigh and he keeps going inside the forest.

But once he sees her form in the dark he doesn't care that she didn't leave him a message. He's just glad she's okay and healthy.

After he fixes her wound she smiles up at him and he smiles down at her and she parts her lips and her eyes flutter and his heart drops in realization.

Perhaps, he thinks during the time, she wants to…?

But in the end she never did. She wanted to make jealous her now stepsibling ex boyfriend for kissing her best friend – ex best friend.

And once more he's pushed down to levels down beneath the earth and without the pills he feels numb all over and his darkness comes back because he notices he'll never have a chance with her in the end.

XI.

He sees how beautiful she's turning as she grows up. And he notices that she, too, is being engulfed by darkness.

Ironic, is it not? How someone so full of life could become so dark and empty? And he laughs at this because he used to be happy once. During a lifetime a long time ago, he was happy. He was sane. He was human. He was normal.

But not anymore.

When he finds out she broke up with her stepsibling, Eli Goldsworthy walks to the other side of the spectrum and reaches out to Clare Edwards, and with a smile, asks her out to the Frostival.

She gives him a smile and that's all he needs.

XII.

She looks beautiful. Yet again, she always does.

She holds on to a large bear he got for her and her hair is messy because of the wind and her cheeks are pink because of the cold and he's shivering. No. Not because of the cold. But because he was nervous.

And deep inside, when they both laugh at some quirky or witty comment that passes his lips, he feels alive and sane and normal and it feels right.

It's simple and it's real.

And by the end of their date he finally asks her, "Do you think we could ever pick up where we left off?"

Her mouth falls open slightly and she blinks up at him and she's in deep thought and he bites his lip and chews on the skin.

She sighs and gives him a smile and his world suddenly becomes filled with light completely and it's not only a speck of light that floats around on the horizon anymore.

It's large and it's warm and it's life and it's simply beautiful.

And with one nod Eli Goldsworthy feels as if he just woke up from a long dream filled with despair and he swears now, for sure, that he never wants to go back to dreaming.