Hey everyone! Welcome to this most insane fanfic :P Not to be taken seriously :P

About This Fic: A little of various classic fairytales, with some "other stuff" thrown in :') It only gets crazier...

Hope you enjoy! :D PVG24601xxx

Chapter One- In which we are introduced to the scene and several characters.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there resided the little-known kingdom of Lima. A comparatively small (and very silly) land where one could improvise rescue ropes simply from long, golden hair, live out an honest life as a shoemaker with one's wife, build houses from sticks and straw, play Quidditch all day and Wizard's Chess all night; a place where animals could talk, an ogre could marry a princess or one could skip through the forest singing at the top of one's voice (though it was strongly advised to avoid wolves).

A place where all one's dreams can come true, either with the aid of a fairy-godmother, or through one's own strength of heart and character (sigh). Where one could do whatever one pleased-even if that was simply getting utterly hammered every single night.

Certainly, aside from the not uncommon situation where one would wake up to find a body spread-eagled and totally shitfaced on one's front lawn, either face-down in your flower bed and completely unconscious or singing "Harold The Horny Hunter" at the top of their drink-slurred voice, Lima was a very beautiful kingdom. Small villages of thatched cottages hid prettily in forests upon forests of evergreen trees, capped with crisp, white snow and glistening in the winter sunlight. What it lacked in acres, it more than made up for in beauty and green. Waving gently in the breeze, the trees gestured lazily in the direction of the great, mighty castle.

McKinley Castle was a vast, spreading, monster of a fortress, with every defence imaginable, with many overbearing towers and turrets, where archers waited with their ever-ready and threatening crossbows should attack occur, cauldrons of boiling tar poised over the high, almost impossible to penetrate or knock down walls-painted in pretty pink. That was the view every subject of the monarchy there woke up to every morning, and lived in the shadow every day of their lives, staring up at it in awe and wonder.

Yes, Lima was a picturesque, magical-and very silly-place-but enough about that now. I shall leave you to imagine the rest of the details of the landscapes, as we progress with our story.

Tossing her shiny, luscious dark hair, literally the Queen of her castle came to the window of the highest room of the tallest tower of McKinley Castle, and looked out upon her kingdom. She breathed a contented sigh of pleasure-everything she could see, every majestic tree and every quaint little well belonged to her. Smiling, she was completely satisfied. For this was Queen Rachel the First, ruler of the land. Terribly beautiful, with large, dark eyes and a fondness for knitted sweaters, she reigned over the kingdom with an iron fist. Standing not so tall in a long, purple dress, gold crown perched on her head and sceptre in her hand, she was a sight to behold. Strong and independent, but so powerful and ruthless that everyone feared her. And when she wanted something-she would get it. Or else.

Besides all that-she had the most incredible singing voice. So wonderful, that she did not think there could possibly be one in all the land to even come close to rivalling hers.

And she didn't need to worry-for she had absolute proof of this.

Sweeping from the window, she crossed the room, heels clacking on the stone floor, and came to stop at the opposite end. In front of her was a long, purple, velvet cloth curtain. Reaching out a hand, she pulled it back-and there it was. A mirror framed in pure gold, the glass filled with silver smoke: a magic mirror. This was one of her most prised possessions, along with her other enchanted mirror, the Mirror of Erised. Soon, the smoke began to clear-and the face of a handsome man, with curly hair and a charming smile appeared.

Every day, Queen Rachel would come up to this private room, unveil the mirror and confidently ask it: "Schuester, Schuester, on the wall, who is most talented of them all?"

And every day, the mirror would reply, with a boyish, crinkly smile: "No one, O Queen, comes close to you,"

The Queen never tired of hearing this.

So, on this most fateful day, she asked the magic mirror, with a toss of the hair: "Schuester, Schuester, on the wall, who is most talented of them all?" She smiled expectantly at him, keenly awaiting the usual answer.

Will looked out at the Queen-and had to strain to keep the charming smile going. This was such an effort-and he was such a bad liar. He hated lying to people. Most of all Queen Rachel, who, despite everything she was, he'd come to care for. For all these years, he'd told her this, for fear of being smashed to dust-but could hold it in no longer. Taking a deep, smoky breath-he would tell her the truth:

"O Queen, you are a star, 'tis true-but another is just as talented as you!"

Queen Rachel's head snapped up, her eyes wide with awful shock, eyebrows knitting together. "What?" she exclaimed.

"Remember-seven years bad luck!" reminded Will anxiously.

"Show me!" the queen ordered. Someone as talented as her? Impossible!

Will's face faded from the glass-and was quickly replaced by a new picture. An angelic boy, with hair as dark as chocolate, skin as white as snow, and lips as red as blood appeared. He smiled gently, all adorable dimples and blue-green ocean-like eyes shining with hopeful innocence. Walking, elegant as a porcelain figure, he danced slightly in his steps, lips moving gently as he sang.

Queen Rachel hurried over to the mirror, and twisted the volume knob on the side. The room filled with an beautiful, angel-like voice, pure, sweet and true.

The most beautiful voice Queen Rachel hand ever heard.

Screaming in rage, she couldn't believe it. "Who is this boy?" she hissed.

"A Kurt Hummel, Your Majesty," came Will's voice, muffled from the edge of the frame.

"He must be disposed of!" she cried. Ruthless-she would stop at nothing. Quickly, a plan began to form in her scheming mind…

"Puck!" she yelled. "Puck!"

A few moments later, a tall teen with a Mohawk and very impressive muscles entered the tower room. Noah Puckerman, the huntsman, with a quick wit and an eye for a pretty girl. He bowed respectfully-then greeted the queen with a "Sup, QILF,"

"QILF?"

"Queen I'd Like to Fu-"

"Okay! Okay!" Queen Rachel hollered at him. She gestured roughly to the angel boy in the glass, wanting this clean and quick. "I want you to find this Kurt Hummel, and take him deep into the forest-"

"Can't I just take you deep into the forest, and-"

"PUCK!" she screamed. "This is no joke!"

Quickly, Noah arranged his cheeky grin into a serious, business-like expression. He couldn't help making jokes-it was his nature. "Okay. What can I do you for, your Highness?"

The queen breathed out hard, trying to keep calm. "Take him deep into the forest, where no one can find you, and once there…"

Her voice rose into a blood-curdling, maniac scream, that was almost inhuman. So terrible, that the lights in the room felt the need to dim and lightening outside did crack. "I want you to stop his heart and cut it out!"

The final screech echoed through the castle, as the lights faded back to normal and the storm subsided.

Noah blinked. He looked carefully at the Queen's mad, even deranged face-and raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked, carefully.

"You heard me! I want you to cut out his frightened little heart. And to prove it-bring it back to me here, so he will never sing again!"

"Okay-woah," Puck held up a hand. "Isn't that a little…ghoulish?" he reasoned. He was sick of being the queen's hit man-it hadn't been in the job description. And this seemed a bit drastic to him, to murder this kid in cold blood…

The queen was not in the state for this. She spoke very quietly-but dangerously soft. "If you are not out of this room…in three seconds…I will find your Shelby, and-"

"NO!" Puck cried-

Then stopped as Rachel smiled, satisfied and smug. She knew she'd won. "You were saying?" Her voice had become unnervingly sweet.

"…nothing,"

Noah's hands were tied. Simple as that. And there was very little he'd put past the ruthless Queen...

"Good," the queen smiled. "Off you go, then,"

"A-As you wish, ma'am," Bowing low, Puck reluctantly retreated-then went away to prepare to do the Queen's deadly bidding.

The queen laughed a triumphant, maniac laugh. "Soon I shall be the only star! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Dun dun dun! What will happen? Stay tuned…More soon!

Thank you so much for reading-reviews are always very much appreciated! :D PVG24601xxx