Italics: OC's thoughts

CHAPTER 31: PITY

I'm sorry brother.

Wait.

I didn't realize the weight of what I said to Rick and T-Dog until it left my mouth. And I instantly regretted it. I should wait longer. I ain' ready. I snorted at my stupidity then lowered my head and watched as my feet kicked some dirt in visible discomfort. Who're ya tryin' to prove yerself to, Kat? Without looking back up at the rest of the people, I turned around and made my way to the bar. Fists tightly clenched.

Once inside the bar I remembered that I couldn't catch Lori's eyes the night before, I took a quick look over my shoulder and around the tables for her. Nowhere to be seen. So I walked on straight for the stairs.

"Matt, son," I cursed inside and turned around to face Hershel. "Are you ok?"

I nodded. I saw his blue eyes travel down from my brown ones to my arms. And it was then that I noticed I was holding my left arm close to my body.

Hershel squinted, "Holding that arm pretty still, are y–"

"'s fine," I drawled a bit nasty and turned away from him. The second I gave my back to him I pressed my left arm even closer. Atop the stairs I shot one quick glance over my shoulder and caught Hershel still down there. As to prove my point I let go of my arm and let it drop limply to my side. I cocked a sarcastic eyebrow at him and entered the room.

"Oomph," I ran straight into someone, I quickly looked up and saw Lori standing clumsily. "Sorry, my bad," I scratched the back of my head sheepishly.

"Forgive me, I was just going to pick some food," She explained to me. Thing I caught her doing more often. I shrugged at it and walked past her.

"Wait," I said as I opened one of my bag's compartments. I heard her footsteps almost leave the room and then they made their way towards me. "One everyday, r'member?" I showed her the pill and passed her a bottle of water. She nodded and swallowed. "C'mon, gotta go now," I titled my head to the door. We've been doing the same thing, the same routine between the both of us for two weeks. And only Carl knew.

Whenever the pill time came, and if I was away from Lori, or if there were too many people around us, Carl would look for me or he will leave the room– and I'll follow him a few minutes later. We would never speak, not directly to each other in front of the rest, but with a wiggling eyebrow or an imperceptible nod everything was said.

When the door clicked close I sighed loudly. I pulled out a bottle pill from my bag and stared at it. Its name already gave me nightmares. Vicodin. I bit my lip while an ocean of thoughts passed through my head. Vicodin created a strong addiction, and even stronger withdrawal. I pictured myself on the run, with psychological pain having Vicodin every few hours. And then, just one day I'd run out of them. The picture then turned to me tied up on a tree having crazed spasms and nonexistent pain with an ocean of moaning walkers crowding below.

I tucked the pill back inside the bag and practically ran away from the room. I took one step and popped my head to check downstairs. Clear. I quickly crossed the hall and entered the office. I'd never entered it in broad daylight so it felt a little weird when I spotted a small picture hung on the wall besides the desk. I swiftly approached it and bit my lip at the sight of the grinning family of five. If one simply overlooked the picture, they'd believe it's the common happy family. But if one looked closer, they'd notice the eldest son stand a step away from the father and the rest of the family, but somehow close to the mother; one could notice the smallest child stand in front of the father and the other kid before the mother. All in all, a family picture, just not of a happy one. Innit too familiar boy?

I pulled out the chair and lift my feet on the desk. I sighed loudly as my hands massaged my knees. "Holy crap how beaten down I am." I snorted and shook my head in amusement. Vicodin looks better everyday huh? Matt? I accommodated the knee brace on my left knee and stood up.

"No matter how well stocked up was that market… Food ain't gonna last so long," I interrupted whatever conversation was held in the food closet. I leaned against the doorframe as Hershel and Lori turned to look at me. "I'm not from 'roun' here… So I dunno what the wildlife can give us…" I cleared my throat.

"Well I'll make sure to ask Daryl," Hershel addressed calmly as he made an inventory of the cans, "Maybe he can go tomorrow or in the next few days–"

"Bu–" I raised a hand to stop him.

"We– We're standing good with all these," He flipped the can in his hand.

"But maybe– maybe we should get more now– I mean, winter is getting closer… Shouldn't we like, be prepared for it?" Lori added nervously. I couldn't help but notice that she rubbed her belly as she spoke.

"Thing is, ol– Hershel, in case ya haven't heard…" I swaggered into the room with my hands in my pockets, "Gun practice's gonna be held today. Don't think any animals will stay close 'round to enjoy." I raised a brow, "Plus, there'll be more walkers tonight…" I looked at Hershel intently while he was in deep thought.

"I'm gonna go and talk to Rick about this." He said and nodded at himself. "I'll send Beth to help you with the list." He added to Lori as he finally stood up and left the room.

I looked up, closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. You sumbitch made it. I smirked and nodded before I opened my eyes again. I squinted when I caught Lori staring at me. Then the loud but careful footsteps of Beth against the wooden floor were heard. And still, Lori and I stared at each other. I could have held it in longer, but something inside told me there was no use, not in front of her at least. I raised a palm and grabbed a handful of hair that covered my forehead.

And just like that I dropped my guard and let her see the pain in my eyes. And she saw… How bloodshot my eyes were, how swollen; so full of fear and so tired of being strong for so long. Countless times I've seen those eyes. Reflected in mirrors, water, knives, anything.

"You did it on purpose?" Lori sounded astonished but not thoroughly so. I shrugged. "Matt honey," I sensed the pity in her voice, but it didn't bother me as much as the other's. "I need the both of them too, I know I'm mostly responsible for Shane's death," I flinched, "And Andrea and I had our good and bad moments, but that doesn't mean I don't miss them, or that I don't remember them anymore…" Beth's footsteps were louder. She was getting closer. The conversation had to end. "But as hard as it is, we have to move on. We can't stop surviving. They won't be forgotten, I promise."

"You know…" My jaw clenched at the sound of her dreamy voice. I've miscounted again, and she heard our conversation. Again. "Andrea once said to me, that pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it…" Beth stepped inside the room. "I guess she didn't…" She shrugged slowly, "Warn us… About the size of the room." She looked at me with those puppy eyes of her, and I found out that her pity also didn't bother me. Come on Kat. Since when d'you get along with women? "My daddy said you need help with the inventory." Her tone immediately changed as she looked at Lori and knelt beside her.

Lori blinked a few times. "W–well yeah, thank you." Her brown eyes fixated on mine and she mouthed 'Stay'. And so I did.

"T-Dog man, I think we're startin' ta stink." I said while I dropped some logs and debris in the fire pit we built.

"Well… It's been 'bout a month since our last shower. I actually thought we'd be ok with the cold wave that hit us 'bout a week ago…" T-Dog replied as we crossed paths.

I looked up to the sky, "Pfft… Whatever hint of last week's 'cold wave' is gone. We're fuckin' burnin' again. Fuckin' sucks not havin' water."

"That pit ready?!" A loud southern drawl was heard from the woods ahead of me. I looked back quickly at T-Dog and as I turned my head to look at the woods, Daryl made his glorious appearance with a bunch of furry animals strapped to his shoulders. "Gonna need sum help skinnin' these sumbitches." He added while he adjusted the rope full of squirrels.

I cursed inside. "Imma– Imma call Carol sh–" T-Dog said behind me. I slightly shook my head. She ain't that good. It ain' she who he wants. I liked to believe that T-Dog knew Daryl's intentions and my reluctance; I didn't know where he'd get that idea, but it was something I liked to believe in. "She's–"

"Matt," Daryl stated as he nodded towards one of the logs settled around the fire pit. Fuck. Me. He then made his way towards it and slumped the squirrels on the ground. "Carol! Got us sum squirrels! C'mere!"

I turned to face T-Dog with a most annoyed face. "You gotta be kiddin' me." T-Dog only shrugged and prepared to light the fire. I stomped to the opening Daryl came from and reattached the wire walls we lifted as security measures. I breathed in deeply and slowly walked towards the dead squirrels. "If it'll be like this every time he brings back game, Rick 'n' I'll have to talk again. I didn't agree ta this." I mumbled under my breath.

It took about two or three 'words' with Rick to get me to agree working with Daryl again. And I tried to recall each of them every time Daryl came from the forest with food, or every time Daryl required my assistance in his trips. Rick had stated that after Daryl, I was the next best thing with knives and 'other sharp objects', so I was supposed to help him in order to speed up the process of our daily routine. I had snorted and shook my head at his remark.

"Wha'?" I looked up immediately befuddled. I frowned and tilted my head at him to repeat himself. "Said wha'?" Daryl repeated impatient. He wiped his nose with the back of his armed hand. Gross. "Ain' happy with yer chore?" he then added in a mocking tone. "Mighta wanna talk ta Rick if y–"

"It ain' none o' yer business." I barked back at him. My eyes focused on Carol for a second and I caught her frowning deeply at me. There was no knife in her hand, for her task was to thoroughly clean the skinless squirrels and make them edible. "What ye lookin' at? Don't fuckin' need this." Abruptly I stood up and walked away from Daryl and Carol. Forgot yer bucket man. 'nother chit chat with Rick ain' gonna be fun. "Ugh." I turned around, picked up my bucket and then sat two logs away from them.

Before resuming my activity, I took one look around town. In the past month, there had been many changes. Since the town's street was shaped as an upside down T, we built a wired fence around the bar's front street and closed it where the stores began on each side. The fence was held up in place by logs, which at the same time where steadied by small ditches. In time we also tied up some logs cross shaped and placed them alongside the fence. Their points were sharp so walkers got stuck in them every day.

Nevertheless, everything we'd built so far was dismountable. With a good heads start we could make the town look abandoned. Clear from walkers, but abandoned nonetheless. We made decent leave blankets that would cover both cars and entirely block the back entrance to the bar. We managed to break the stairs inside the bar so no one would dare climb it, but only those who knew how.

Without anyone finding out, except Lori and probably Beth, I managed to stretch the gun practice for a month.

"'m done," I muttered huskily as I dropped the bucket full of squirrels in front of Carol. I shot one quick look at Daryl and saw he was still at it. I let out one mocking snort and walked away from them. Once inside the bar I carefully climbed the stairs and ended up in the office room. "'sup boy," I drawled as my head popped up at the side of the rooftop. "Any changes?"

He shook his head but never dropped the binoculars. "There's just… Look," Carl passed me the binoculars. "I've seen it the entire day. It doesn't move… But…"

"I see it. It ain' a chimney…" I slowly replied while I tried to focus in the rising smoke about a mile away from us. "It's also too much for an engine… 's probably a fire…"

"Thought so too… Shouldn't we, um," he shifted in his place. "Keep our fire low?"

"Yeah… We don't wanna have any visitors huh?" I said and looked at him. He nodded. "Go, warn 'em." The scent of burning meat reached my nose and I looked at our fire. Carol was just placing the squirrels in sticks around it. And my eyes traveled all the way up to the cloud of smoke that was rising from our camp. "Now."