I'm Not Laughing

Summary: Dean started leaving Sammy at Pluckie's when Sam turned nine. And it was the only time in his life when he needed Dean and his brother wasn't there. Coda to 7x14.

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Warnings: Molestation.

monday

they were palepalepale and too tall with shoes of sam's head - he didn't like them right away with their distorted faces that weren't quite human and he wondered is his dad had ever hunted a clown before, because really something that looked that inhuman couldn't possibly be allowed to live right? Right, Dean?

But Dean was gone.

it had a big fake bright red smile and big bright white teeth and it was colorcolorcolor and noisenoisenoise and it was just too much because dean was gone - why would dean just leave him here with these cold eyes that looked at him lookedlookedlooked at him and touched his shoulder gentlegentlegentle and led him to a quieter spot and there that wasn't so bad was it he could just do his homework and then when Dean came to come get him, they could go home to the motel and Dean would help him with his math homework.

But Dean wasn't here.

and the big red smile and bright white teeth and colorscolorscolors said he could do math too and sam really didn't get math he really needed the help and maybe the palepalepale with the red smile could help him just until Dean came back.

Because Dean wasn't here.

but it would be okay because big red bright white colorspalecolors would help him and dean would be back and it was okay if big red bright white touched his knee a little or stroked his hair cause dean did that when he helped sammy with his homework and Dean's touched always felt good and helped him concentrate.

But Dean wasn't touching him.

wednesday

sam had to go to the bathroom - big red bright white said to use the private one cause it was cleaner so sammy did because dean liked it better when sammy could lock himself in the bathroom but there wasn't a lock on this door and sam didn't like that and he was flushing the toilet and the door opened and it big red bright white but he wasn't wearing his big feet or his colorscolorscolors just the big red bright white palepalepale and he was closing the door and he was touching sam like he did when he helped him with his homework.

Dean. Deandeandean.

gentlegentlegentle on the knee and shoulder and back and hair and then his face and grossgrossgross fingers in his mouth and on his privates where dean said no one should evereverever touch him and dean was gonna be so mad when he found out that sam let someone touch him there but big red bright white was bigbigbig and sam couldn't fight that good yet 'dean and daddy still hadn't taken him hunting.

Dean. Deandeandean.

and there was air and big red bright white was making sam's hand move and touch places sam didn't want to touch and strokestrokestroke and touchtouchtouch and badbadbad - it hurt and it was bad and it was scary and sam didn't know how to make it stop he just didn't and it was all so confusing like there was noisenoisenoise even though there really wasn't and sam knew that he did he knew it was quietquietquiet but it felt loudloudloud and he couldn't stop shaking and he felt sick and he just wanted dean.

Dean. Deandeandean.

thursday

"don't make me go back there dean, i don't like it there, the clowns scare me, can we go to the arcade instead"

"alright, you big baby"

friday

Daddy was back and they were leavingleavingleaving.