Ok, so I just finished watching a whole lot of Archer from FX while working on my main ME stories, and I was wondering what would happen if Mass Effect was more like Archer? Not technically a crossover, but just something... really weird. Totally OOC for every character, but it's amuses the crap out of me. Written in the style of a script because there is no way I could think of doing that kind of dialogue in standard fiction form.

Of course, I don't own any of the characters.

(Briefing room. Shepard is talking to The Illusive Man via hologram.)

TIM: So, let me get this straight.

Shepard: Ok.

TIM: I bring you back from the dead…

Shepard: Uh huh.

TIM: … assemble the best team in the galaxy…

Shepard: Well, 'best' is such a relative term...

TIM: … give you the best resources available…

Shepard: Again, relative terminology here…

TIM: All so that you could survive what was likely to be a suicide mission…

Shepard: Well, I mean, suicide for anyone who isn't me…

TIM: And now, you're telling me that you're not going to do anything else unless you get… what, again?

Shepard: An espresso machine.

(silence.)

TIM: An espresso machine.

Shepard: Yup.

TIM: No.

Shepard: I think by no, you mean…

TIM: No.

Shepard: "… way would I let you risk your life without an espresso machine."

TIM: No, I mean "no, I am not giving you an espresso machine."

Shepard: … Seriously?

TIM: Yes.

Shepard: You're asking me to save the galaxy without an espresso machine?

TIM: No, I'm telling you.

Shepard: And I'm telling you, no deal.

TIM: What?

Shepard: I'm not going to do it.

TIM: Yes you will.

Shepard: No I won't. Go ahead and kill me, because life is not worth living without espresso!

TIM: I'm not going to kill you.

Shepard: Death or espresso, that's the only choice.

TIM: There is no choice, I'm telling you no espresso machine.

(silence)

Shepard: Fine. But if I happen to wander through the airlock and space myself because I'm exhausted because I haven't had my morning espresso, it'll be your fault.

TIM: I'll learn to live with that.

Shepard: How about just a better coffee maker? I can live without espresso as long as I have coffee that won't kill a krogan.

(silence)

TIM: No. (hologram disappears)

Shepard: DAMMIT!

*(Mess hall. Kelly and Miranda are each getting a cup of coffee)

Kelly: I hope Shepard's talk with The Illusive Man goes well.

Miranda: If anyone can get us an espresso machine, it's Shepard.

Kelly: You're right. He can talk people into anything.

Miranda: Including his pants.

Kelly: Hmm?

Miranda: Nothing.

(Shepard walks up.)

Kelly: Hey Shepard!

Miranda: So, how'd it go?

Shepard: What?

Miranda: Your talk with The Illusive Man. How'd it go?

Shepard: Oh, that.

Kelly: So, we're getting an espresso machine?

Shepard: What?

Kelly: Espresso machine.

Shepard: Um...

Miranda: … it didn't go well, did it?

Shepard: Define… "well."

Miranda: We're not getting an espresso machine, are we?

Shepard: No.

Miranda: DAMMIT!

Shepard: I know, right?

Miranda: You played hardball, didn't you?

Shepard: Um…

Miranda: I TOLD you not to play hardball! I told you to just ask The Illusive Man NICELY if we could have one, and he would give us one!

Shepard: Well, I don't remember you being in the room, he started it!

Miranda: What do you mean?

Shepard: He was all defensive and crap. "I gave you the best crew and resources available…"

Miranda: And what did you say to that?

Shepard: I told him that best is a relative term.

Miranda: Hey!

Kelly: So, no espresso machine?

Shepard: NO, Kelly, no espresso machine!

Kelly: Well, what about a better coffee maker?

Shepard: …

Kelly: DAMMIT!

Shepard: Ok, calm down, everyone, I have a plan.

Miranda: Ok. What's the plan?

Shepard: What?

Miranda: Your plan, what is it?

Shepard: Oh. Well, I was going to try to sleep with you again.

Miranda: WHAT?

Shepard: Yeah.

Miranda: How would that get us an espresso machine?

Shepard: Well… it wouldn't.

Kelly: So why did you say you had a plan to get us an espresso machine?

Shepard: I didn't say I had a plan to get us an espresso machine, I just said I had a plan. I didn't say it had anything to do with getting us an espresso machine.

Miranda: You… ok, so, we slept together once!

Kelly: Hello!

Miranda: I thought we were going to die!

Shepard: Well, there were a lot of, as the French would call them, "little deaths."

(Kelly and Miranda just stare at Shepard.)

Shepard: … orgasms.

Miranda: Yeah, we got that. It was just really stupid.

Shepard: Well, EXCUSE ME for trying to bring a little class to this ship!

Miranda: Let me make this clear to you. I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the only other living being in the galaxy, you creep!

(Miranda storms off.)

Kelly: I'll sleep with you.

Shepard: … you realize that you're totally plan b, right?

Kelly: I'm fully aware.

Shepard: And that I will keep trying to sleep with Miranda?

Kelly: The more the merrier.

Shepard: … Ok, let's go.

(They run off.)

So yeah, just something dumb. But I kinda like it. What do you think?