Chapter Seventeen

Jane fell asleep in her clothes, the phone still beside her on the bed. She'd been trying to wait up in the hope that Maura might call or text but she'd drifted off, exhausted and disappointed. Now she felt a tugging on her toes and before she opened her eyes she assumed it were Frankie, though in her half-asleep state she wasn't really capable of conscious thought.

"Go away," she grumbled, kicking her feet. The pulling on her toes only became more insistent. She cracked open one of her eyes and saw the outline of someone standing at the end of her bed, illuminated from behind by the moonlight coming through her window. "Huh!" she made a shocked sound and bolted upright. Her sleep-hazed mind had finally caught up to the fact that Maura was standing in her room.

"You're incredibly hard to wake up," Maura stated matter-of-factly.

"Maura? How did you get in here?" she looked around the room, trying to shake off her disorientation. For a moment she hadn't even been sure what day (or rather night) it was, but now the day's events came flooding back to her.

Maura came closer, and she felt the bed shift under Maura's weight as she sat down next to her. Maura reached out and brushed a hand over Jane's forehead, letting it come to rest on her cheek. Jane leaned into her, putting a hand on her wrist while she listened.

Maura had stayed in her apartment for a couple of hours after Jane's call, going back and forth on how she should proceed. She'd been disturbed by what had happened between them at the library, and their argument. There was so much unfinished business between them, so much rubble that afterwards she hadn't been sure that they would ever be able to clean it all up. She'd gone home feeling despondent. But then Jane's declaration stripped everything back to the essential. She could see now they were wasting time, clinging to old hurt and fear. Jane's words had pulled a trigger in her; it was time to move forward. By the time she decided that she needed to see Jane that night, that it couldn't wait any longer, she'd grabbed her keys and ran out the door. With the decision made she felt like she couldn't waste a moment.

She'd tried to call Jane when she pulled up outside her house. It was past midnight.

"Dunno how I slept through that," Jane interjected, looking at her phone to see the couple of missed calls that she'd been so eagerly waiting for before she'd dropped off.

Maura had tapped her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. The thought of returning home empty-handed was very depressing. Logically she'd known she could just wait until the morning, but she would never be able to sleep if she went home and she might've lost her nerve by the morning. She briefly considered trying to climb up onto Jane's roof to tap on her window, but she visually calculated the height she would need to scale and deemed it impossible. She'd been staring at the front door, knowing that it were far too late to knock and that she would wake up the whole family. Just then she'd seen a figure approaching the door, and she'd squinted her eyes trying to make out if it might be Jane, but the size and shape indicated to her that the figure was male.

She'd gotten out of the car and Frankie had turned around in alarm at the sound of her car door slamming, then demonstrated relief when he recognized her. When she'd asked if Frankie could let her in, she'd said that she needed to see Jane without further explanation. Frankie had smirked at her and held the door open, the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath. Then she'd crept up into Jane's room and had spent the last few minutes trying to rouse her. It was raining outside, the sounds fortunately masking the noise so she wasn't worried that Jane's parents might hear.

"I'm so glad you came," Jane said, her voice wavering. She made a mental note to thank Frankie in the morning, right after chastising him for going out partying. He was too young as far as she was concerned. More often than not she considered Frankie a pain in the ass, but he had saved the day. It was all enough to make her believe in fate just a little bit; first the way she always seemed to run into Maura when she most needed to see her, and then his coming home when Maura had probably been just about to give up.

"I couldn't stay away," Maura said honestly. She bent down and kissed Jane's lips, and Jane's stomach dropped. Maura was kissing her lightly, their lips barely touching. Jane's mouth felt sensitive and raw - like there were sparks going off way out of proportion to how lightly Maura's lips were resting against her own.

"Can we start over?" Jane asked, one of her fists grasping Maura's shirt. "I don't like the way I acted yesterday. I feel like I always screw things up around you. I don't know why I do it . . . maybe its just cos I want it so much."

"Wait, we need to talk," Maura stopped her. Jane watched as she took off her shoes, her heels dropping softly on the floor. She came around the other side of the bed, lying down to settle next to her.

Jane laughed softly, Maura's displays of eccentricity had always tickled her. "Um, weren't we talking already?"

"This is the best way to converse honestly. In the dark, when you can't see the other person's face. Some people might argue that it's impersonal, but to me its like a sensory deprivation tank. There's nothing to distract from the sound of the voice you're listening to – it increases focus."

"Did you read that in a journal or something?" Jane asked, furrowing her brow. Maura had shimmied herself over closer to her and she could feel Maura's shoulder against her own. She wasn't sure that lying in a bed with Maura was the greatest thing for her 'focus', seeing as she just felt like grabbing Maura and kissing her senseless.

"No, it's just my experience. Haven't you ever been to a sleepover?" They looked across at one another and Jane could make out enough of Maura's face to see that she were smiling. "Look up at the ceiling or it doesn't work," Maura directed her sternly.

"You were looking at me!" Jane argued.

"Maybe I was. Anyway, I believe I owe you an apology. I did some reflecting tonight and I've concluded that you were right to be angry with me. I'm sorry that I made you feel used – it was never my intention. When it comes to you, as I keep demonstrating I just really can't help myself."

"I'm that irresistable, huh?" Jane cracked, putting her hands behind her head. She had to admit it felt good having Maura apologize to her for a change. She had become used to always being in the wrong lately; it was a nice change of pace.

"Yes. You are," Maura said bluntly. "And although I was telling myself I've just been cautious with you, I suppose I was trying to punish you a little bit by avoiding giving you what you wanted. I'm not proud of it."

"We've both done lots of stuff we're not proud of I'm betting," Jane said, reaching out to take Maura's hand and squeeze it, rubbing her fingers over the silky skin. "So are you with me? Let's wipe the slate clean once and for all. Please?" She was hanging on for Maura's next words with her fingernails, holding her breath.

"Did you mean what you said to me?" Maura asked tentatively.

"Yes. I love you," Jane said, putting everything she could into the words, needing Maura to understand that it was the truth. She'd never meant anything so much in her life.

"In that case then I can tell you that's what I came here to ask you for. A fresh start. I've had enough of this push-pull, back and forth. If we do this I want it to be for real. No settling scores, no special conditions, no more talking. Let's just do it."

"Why, that's very forward of you Maura," Jane teased, trying to hide her anxiety. She was thrilled at Maura's words but her heart was still beating very hard. "But aren't you forgetting something?"

"What am I forgetting?" Maura asked blankly. "I feel like I can't be much clearer with this proposal."

"Did I say it too soon?" Jane blurted out, her fingers tightening around Maura's. "I mean . . . did I say I love you too early for you? Would you prefer it if I backed off a little?"

"Oh. No, I love you too," Maura replied. "I'm sorry, I got preoccupied with closing the deal so to speak. Wait, let me do it right." Finally she turned onto her side, moving to lie so that she was looking down at Jane's face. "I'm in love with you," she said, and Jane smiled up at her, her mouth trembling. They sealed it with a kiss, melting into it, Jane taking Maura by her shoulders.

There were so many promises to make – so many words on each of their lips – but they refrained from saying them out loud. It was better to just let it be, like Maura wanted. Instead they let their bodies to the talking. For once they were able to just be with one another; no rushing, no fear that when it ended the spell would be broken and they would have to go back to their separate loneliness. They stripped one another slowly, exploring each piece of exposed skin as though seeing it for the first time.

They kept returning to one another's mouths, every now and then whispering words of sweetness, things that they'd had to keep inside.

At last Maura was exactly where she wanted to be, feathering kisses over Jane's inner thighs.

"Wait, wait," Jane stopped her breathlessly. Maura moved upwards and looked at her with concern.

"Is there something wrong?" Maura said, pushing Jane's hair back, cupping the side of her face.

"I've never . . . um, you know," Jane hinted. It took a while but she watched as the penny dropped and Maura's face showed understanding. She didn't know why she'd felt the need to stop Maura – it wasn't like there was any way she would ever know. But she wanted to tell Maura everything.

The truth was that she had been with plenty of girls. She had been on the giving end of this particular act more times than she could count, but whenever she had gotten close to having a girl perform on her she'd pushed it away. She couldn't explain why except to say that it always felt like too much; she felt to exposed to let go and enjoy it. It wasn't something she'd ever told anyone before – not even Lauren. It wasn't even something she'd really thought too much about; but now it seemed significant.

"It's okay, we can do whatever you want," Maura soothed her, then to Jane's amusement she started to seem impatient. "Do you want me to be the first?" Maura prompted her.

"Um, yep. I really do," Jane replied.

And when she felt the sensation of Maura's tongue she covered her face with her hands, because it was the most intense goodness she'd ever felt. When she came it was with a rush of light before her eyes, and the only part of her body that existed was the part that was now intimately connected with Maura's mouth and fingers.

When they had taken their fill of one another - for now at least - they lay in one another's arms. Jane was lying on her back, Maura rested in the crook of her arm with a leg wrapped around her. She kissed the top of Maura's head and stroked her hair, feeling Maura's soft hand playing over her stomach. Jane started to drift off with an unfamiliar sense, one that took a few moments for her to name. She felt utterly at peace and loved.