A/N: I'm feeling ill, I can't write serious stuff, so here's some crack. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: If I owned Fairy Tail, it would be too weird. Thank goodness Hiro Mashima is in charge.

Oh My Stars!

a Fairy Tail fanfic

by Rhov

Natsu was about to sneak into Lucy's house like usual when he heard a suspicious sound. Happy floated beside him and lightly tugged the dragon slayer, warning him not to enter.

"Loke," came a soft sigh. "I need more."

"Lucy, I told you to lie back and I'll take care of everything."

Another throaty hum. "There. That spot."

"Ahh, I see. How do you normally do it, princess? Show me."

"Slow, rubbing in little circles. Get the tube. I need a little more."

"Why? You don't look dry to me."

"Shut up. I know what I'm doing. Just get the tube of stuff."

Natsu pouted, not getting it, but Happy was getting a pink flush to his blue cheeks.

"Not too hard," Lucy warned urgently, then her voice drifted lazily. "Slowly. You need to work it up. Yes, like that. Just like that. Slow circles."

"You're so demanding today."

"You were the one who barged in here while I was in the middle of things."

"And I couldn't let a lady do this all on her own. Besides, I like how you're rubbing mine."

"Long strokes, right?"

"Just be gentle at the end." There was another long moan. "Wow, Lucy. My head is spinning."

"Mine too."

"Is this too much?"

"Not yet. Keep going. I need to finish. There's no way I could go on a mission still like this."

"You're getting so messy. You'll need a bath."

"You too."

Suddenly a shout of shock, followed by a groan from Loke.

"Loke, what are you...? Idiot! Dammit, there's white stuff all over me."

"I'm sorry, it just shot off. I didn't think..."

"Wait, wait. Let me get out of these clothes and we'll keep going. And be more careful."

Happy tugged Natsu's scarf. "Let's go ask Lisanna instead. Maybe she has food to make us lunch."

Natsu had a light blush. He wasn't sure, but he thought he knew what might be going on. He left the window and hurried away, hoping he could just forget everything he heard.

Inside Lucy's bedroom, she was wiping a creamy white substance off her skirt. "Goddammit, Loke."

"I said I was sorry. I squeezed too hard."

"Then don't squeeze it so hard. A little goes a long ways. Sheesh, I figured you'd done this before."

"Actually...no. First time."

"Well, keep polishing those Keys. I'll see if the silver polish will come out of these clothes. And you need to rub the polish cloth in small circles for the top of the keys, long strokes for the middle, and make sure to polish all the grooves in the teeth."

Loke had a seductive grin. "I can help you polish something else," he offered, glancing at her chest.

"Hell no! Pervert! Now polish those Keys. I need them clean and shiny for the next mission. And open a window." She hummed sensually as her head swam. "The fumes are thick in here. It's making me feel so tired, I'm ready to pass out. Air this place out before I get high on the fumes."

"So demanding!" he chuckled.

The End

A/N: Oh come on, what did you think was going on? Pervs! Thanks for reading!