A/N: Oh Primus! In my English AP class we are reading The Things They Carried. It's a book about the Vietnam war. And There is a chapter called Enemies. The funniest thing I have ever read. It reminded me of Red Alert so much I had to write a parody of it. This was a originally going to go into my 100 theme challenge (It still is.) but I decided to make it into its own story.

Oh and guess who's about to be the proud new owner of the original Transformers complete series from 1984 on dvd! THIS CHICK! All I had to do was sale my college book to Amazon! Now By Tuesday I will have 2220 Minutes of sweet transformers goodness. Transformers will be my downfall! XD

Setting: Before the Autobots get to Earth

Main Characters: Red Alert, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker.

The day on the Ark was going well. It was quiet, nothing had happened all day. Yet. Sideswipe was thoroughly enjoying his and his twin's day off; until Red Alert crashed through the Rec Room.

"Who did it?" Red's voice was dangerously low, and full of venom.

"Who did what, Red?" Inferno asked.

"Who removed the security cameras from the west wing!" Red's helm began sparking, his optics narrowing.

"Jeez! Chill." Sideswipe commented lowly.

Red alerts fists clenched, and his optics zoomed in on the front liner. "You! It was you wasn't it!"

"Woah! Dude, calm down!" Sideswipe yelled holding his hands in the air trying to calm down the pissed off security director.

"GIVE THEM BACK!" Red Alert yelled tackling the mech down.

The two began to struggle and roll around the rec room. Both throwing fists at each other. Finally, Red Alert pinned Sideswipe against the ground and began punching him in the faceplates over, and over, and over again until Inferno and Sunstreaker ripped the two apart.

"Slag, Sides!" Sunstreaker cursed, "Your nose is gone!"

"What?" Sideswipe's hands flew up to his faceplates looking for the silver painted nose that should have been in the center of his face. "Somebody find my nose! Slag! I really liked that one!"

Sunstreaker draped his arm over his brother's shoulder. "Come on. Let's go to the Med Bay and get you fixed up." The two mechs exited the rec room, Sideswipe complaining about his lost nose.

Rad sat in Inferno's grip. "I'm dead." He mumbled.

"Aw don't worry Red, You're ok." Inferno released the mech, sending him back to the security room.

All was fine for the first couple of days, at least until Sideswipe was released from the Med Bay, with a new, unpainted nose. Usually, Red Alert would have apologized for overreacting, but these were the Lambo twins he was dealing with. No amount of apologizing could save him.

Red's anxiety for what the twins were planning began to affect him. He began keeping the twins in camera view 24/7. He kept away from the twins as much as possible. If he found himself alone with the twins he would immediately run. HE didn't car how cowardly it made him look. He was not going to get pranked by the unicron spawned demons!

He spent his recharge hours in the security room, watching the twins.

One night, Red Alert finally lost it. He grabbed his nose and ripped it off. He ran to the twin's quarters, who were playing games, and began banging on the door. Sideswipe answered and just stared at Red surprised.

Red, being at the end of his processor, looked at the twin. Showed him his nose, and asked, "Even?"

Sides looked at the glitched out bot. "Yeah, sure. Maybe you should go to the Med Bay." Sideswipe led the fritzed bot to Ratchet, who was not happy, but fixed the bot anyways.

The next morning Sideswipe was laughing so hard he couldn't stop. Of course this earned him weird looks where ever he went, but every time he saw a nose he couldn't help but laugh.

"What the frag is your problem?" Sunstreaker finally asked after being with the mech all morning.

"Red's fragging crazy!" Sideswipe laughed. "I stole his fragging camera's!"