L Is For The Way You Look At Me Chapter 26: Z is for Zonked, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Zonked: highly intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, utterly exhausted

Season 4, when Derek goes home with Rose; the aftermath.

Suggested Song: Hurricane Drunk – Florence + The Machine

No walls can keep me protected
No sleep
Nothing in between me and the rain
And you can't save me now
I'm in the grip of a hurricane
I'm gonna blow myself away

I'm going out
I'm gonna drink myself to death
And in the crowd
I see you with someone else
I brace myself
'Cause I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse

No hope
Don't want shelter
No calm
Nothing to keep me from the storm
And you can't hold me down
'Cause I belong to the hurricane
It's going to blow this all away

I hope that you see me
'Cause I'm staring at you
But when you look over
You look right through
Then you lean and kiss her on the head
And I never felt so alive
And so dead

The Emerald City Bar was a place Meredith Grey was very fond of. Joe was friendly, he had comfortable bar stools, booths and tequila.

He mainly had tequila though. And she had an open tab there.

"Hey Meredith!" Joe greeted her happily while pouring her a shot. "You are one of my favorite clients out there" he joked and she smiled sadly.

"Even when I knit?"

"Especially when you knit"

She drowned the amber liquid and she felt it burn down to her stomach, filling the void that Derek Shepherd had left.

They are over. For good this time.

No more sex and mockery, no more secret wives, nothing like that. He has a nurse, she's not good enough.

She has never been good enough for anybody.

She wonders if she ever will.

Joe came back in front of her and poured her the second shot of the night.

"You know what Joe, bring me some salt and lime" she said "Tequila is the synthesis of life, why don't we make it bitter too?"

"Philosophical much?"

"Dumped, that's different" she shook her head, chocking on her words while Joe held out the requested ingredients.

"Shepherd again?"

"It will always be Shepherd" she said dismissively, then licked the salt from her hand and drowned the tequila. The lime disappeared in that frenzy of alcohol and burning sensation, just like she wanted to make herself disappear. Become invisible just for another month, a year, the rest of her life.

She couldn't bear the thought of Derek making a life with someone else. She had never admitted it, but she wanted a life with him and that nurse stole it, right under her nose. She wasn't ready and maybe she will never be ready again. Nobody will ever top Derek and she knew it perfectly.

At least she knew that at this point she'll never ruin a child's life like her own mother did.

She nodded emphatically at Joe, who poured the third shot of the night. She replied the ritual, somehow feeling some kind of purpose towards life, making a ritual of getting drunk. She could drown again, in alcohol, not even feeling a little bit guilty about it.

He wasn't there to catch her anymore and he never will.

Meredith felt empty, once again, and she really wished for two hours of vomiting the following morning. In the end, being an alcoholic was in her DNA.

She drowned the shot without any second thought, the lime even more impalpable than before. When the upside-down glass hit the counter with a tingling sound and she looked up, the bell at the door chirped and brought in a whiff of cold air, musk, wind and humid. It brought in Seattle at her best.

The figure that entered the bar was unmistakeable.

She had dreamed about that body for years, day after day, while he was married, after she drowned, when he dressed after sex at three in the morning; she always dreamed about that body that had stepped in the mildly crowded bar.

He had a coat on but he draped it on his chair and pulled out the one opposite to his for his date.

It hurt.

She hadn't even looked at the woman and it hurt immensely. She snatched the shot away from Joe right after he had poured more of her favorite poison and drank. The tables were spinning, her world was shifting and Derek was on a date.

The fifth shot gave her courage to look up at Rose and it was like stabbing her heart with a scalpel.

She could have it all. The house, the kids, the dying at one-hundred-and-ten in his arms. All.

And she couldn't.

Rose could laugh at his jokes, she could run her fingers through his hair while they made love, she could see the corner of his eyes crinkle when he was happy and her children might have his stunning blue eyes. She could hold his hand, she could hear his deep, soothing chuckle, she could find him in her bed, naked, waiting for her. She could smell him in elevators, she could snuggle into his chest first thing in the morning, when the bed was a place too comfortable to be left that early. Rose could be his partner, his lover, his fiancée, his wife and she couldn't.

She was out of the game. Gone. She had lost this battle.

She had win the battle with herself, she had opened her heart, but in the end, she had lost the war.

Meredith has always been a loser.

A loser who drowned tequila shots and pretended that the world didn't spin afterward.

A lame ass, crappy loser.

And Meredith hated it.

Her mother was right, she was just ordinary. An ordinary loser, while Rose could have it all. Everything that was hers now it could be Rose's and after the sixth, maybe the seventh shot, Meredith Grey was so tired to fight for it.

All ordinary people let things go gracefully and she would do the same.

She was ordinary after all.

I closed this series on a dark note. I know. But it started at Joe's and it ended at Joe's, that's my full circle.

This had been quite the rollercoaster, uh? I enjoyed this journey immensely. It had been a discovery for me, a way to experiment on new techniques and force myself to write, even when I was almost sure it was better I'd give up. It baked in my hard drive for a long time and it's weird that it's over. I still can't quite believe it.

I have a few projects that are keeping me busy, I won't be MIA for long hopefully, but I honestly need a break. I will unlikely post something before July, as much as it pains me. I have exams coming up, again, and life is pretty busy. I wish I could just be on holiday right now, but that's a luxury that I still can't enjoy.

So, all in all, thank you to all my faithful readers, who reviewed every single adjective, especially Juni, who anonymously read the whole thing and always left her thoughts. Special mentions to Danielle and cahillfive anonymous as well but not unseen, merderfan1 for her quick reviews and her kindness. Shoutout to nattylovesjordy, the mind behind this project, she gave me permission to use her idea so she definitely needs a thank you!

I need to mention also Mary91, MusicWritesMyLife, hockeyplayer, beccalovesmerder,TurnMyGriefToGrace, SweetLala92, who had been with this story probably from the very beginning and often -if not always- gave their feedback. It means a lot to me that you stayed all throughout this. To the people who reviewed and are not mentioned here: believe me, I saw each and every one of your reviews and I'm immensely grateful, I probably only missed your names as I scrolled back the reviews.

I'm so happy you people loved this story and I hope I had not ruined it with this last, sad chapter ;)

Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart. You were the ones that kept the ship sailing.

Irene