Author's note: What is an archive for if not to pull out old stories and polish them up? Thanks goes to Akira Yamaoka for this one.

Story takes place after DMC4, but uses DMC3 characters.

Officially Fake

Waiting was never Dante's strong suit, but it was for Vergil.

Today, anyway. The phone had remained relatively quiet except for a crank call. Vergil being the answering boy as his twin brother was off gallivanting god knew where. Trish wanted in on the carcass-cutting action and went with him. Who was Vergil to stop either of them?

Vergil needed to read. He needed something to read to pass time and keep his brain from caving in from this pizza-scented atmosphere in here. For the life of Vergil, he couldn't believe his eyes when he spotted a piece of decently mature literature in the clutter of Devil May Cry's space: the newspaper. And not a raunchy one.

He skimmed the headlines and the odds and ends of advertisements. Perhaps a day out could have possibilities.

Old lady wanted a magic cane claiming to have jumping powers. Salami hut grand opening deep downtown. Wanted googly-eyed schnauzer doll for another schnauzer.

Vergil flipped more pages.

An article about vegetable breeding at home. A new method of shining silver to change to a rainbow spectrum instead of its original color. As Vergil continued to glance, the only thing else of somewhat interest and coherent was a premiere of a touring orchestra in the form of a concert. That sort of thing happened as often as he wearing a mop bucket on his head as rain protection.

Never, to make that clear.

Used to the bangs and bungles of Dante clunking through the front doors, Vergil hardly raised his eyebrows when a ruckus threw itself through the open entrance.

"Vergil! Thank god you're here."

His brows did raise when the owner was not Dante at all, but he continued to read. "Lady. I didn't suspect you were devout."

Lady's booted feet clopped quickly up to the table he lounged at. "Forget that! I gotta ask you something."

"Inquiring mind this afternoon? Fire away."

Vergil readied half his listening brain to her request, but when it wasn't forthcoming, he finally looked up in irritation. Lady wrung her hands nervously. "Lady?" he prompted a tad sharply. He was in the middle of choosing whether to attend this once- in- a- lifetime event.

His curt tone snapped her out of her fuzzy state. "Right. Uh, I have a favor. A rush job."

"A demon too hard for you to handle on your own?" Vergil knew with the increasing amount of jobs she took on demon-exterminating, she'd get over her head every so often. She wouldn't admit it, but when she needed assistance, it was for good reason.

"Not that kind of job. I'm negotiating with a client. He has goods Dante has been eying and we've all been in discussions."

The mention of Dante's name caused Vergil to lower his paper a cautious two inches and watch Lady. "I see."

Lady twined her fingers together tightly. "Dante accompanies me to these meetings. There's this one last one and if it goes right he'll get his stuff."

Stuff? Vergil couldn't help the naughty direction his brain began pointing to, unfortunately knowing Dante's eclectic tastes.

"It's not that kind of crap," Lady answered his thoughts. "Supplies. Healing, that sort of thing."

"Thank god for that, instead." Vergil really didn't want to hear Dante go on about another wickedly hot shipment of some explicit videos or such nonsense. He'd go on for hours.

"Yeah, this guy's curatives are some of the best. They last a long time."

"Helpful in any hunting business."

Lady shifted weight from one hip to the other. "I need you to act like Dante and come with me."

"Pretend to be that buffoon? You do know we're not alike."

She sighed, slightly frustrated. "This guy doesn't know Dante well, so you could pass as him. Do the motions and you'll be fine. You two are twins."

As if being twins was an excuse to imitate his younger brother. "So take him when he gets back from his joyriding."

Clenching her fists, Lady then shook them out. "I'm on a deadline. Today is the scheduled day and as you can tell, Dante is not here. The lout." She covered her face, but the panic rushed back. "No, it's not his fault. I messed up the date and told him the wrong one. Damn! I can't reschedule, either," she added pointedly when Vergil's mouth opened to suggest it, "Meq is such a tightwad. He insisted on seeing Dante and me and kept running in circles to fix up the perfect day."

The twitchy gleam in Lady's eyes still hadn't disappeared upon asking Vergil what she wanted. He wondered why, and then he leaned back into the cushion in understanding.

There was an addendum.

"You've got to look like Dante and... act like him."

"Loud and obscene?" Vergil didn't care for her plan and he wasn't liking the direction this conversation headed.

Lady pursed her lips. "Namely the other major Dante trait. For me."

Vergil stared hard at her at his mounting dreadful comprehension. Seeing Lady's uncomfortable expression, the meaning clicked. "You mean parody myself in some imitation of flirting? How utterly ridiculous."

The woman nodded and added in a rush, "It's all an act. Meq wouldn't notice the difference. He needs to be convinced he's talking to Dante. Last time Dante was there he was hanging all over me even when I told him not to before we went in. Meq thought we were a couple. Dante noted that Meq... likes seeing that."

"Right." What was that lament he had a minute ago about wanting to troll the town tonight? This fiasco wasn't what he had in mind. Vergil pictured it clearly: them putting on a preposterous show and seated in front of them a swarthy, unshaven mongrel with no sense of personal hygiene. Raking their bodies with lewd eyes. Uncouth conversations bordering on pornographic to turn them on in order to turn himself on. Vergil suppressed a violent shudder.

"You'll do it? You go to the place with me and just... let down your hair. So to speak." Lady couldn't stop the grin then.

Hmm, Vergil would need to do that too to act the part. "What benefits do I get from doing this play?"

A frown darted across her face. "Gratitude dollars?"

In other words, Vergil's personal outing was awash. Well, he'd take his reward by smashing the pulp out of Dante later. Even if Vergil disagreed with her, Lady would only keep harping him until he gave in. So he saved himself the hassle. He inclined his head.

Lady seized his arm gratefully. "Thank you! C'mon, let's get you ready. You need pants."

"I have pants on, thanks." She was one strange woman.

Tugging on his wrist to lead him to the back where stairs led up to Dante's living quarters, Lady cleared up her statement. "Dante pants. He has wild ones. And there's your shirt, too. You gotta wear one with flair. Sorry, you know him."

Vergil groaned. All too well.

Author's note: Go, Vergil! Chapter 2 comes...