Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, The Titans, or any of the mentioned Fandoms.
It starts off weird, and gets worse/more epic... Rule #17 will kill you if you get even one of them, just imagine it.
So...would you cut it as a Teen Titan?
The Titans Tower Mandatory Rule Book
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Upon Entering Titans Tower, you are presented with a Booklet from a cybernetic Niche in the Wall, there is sweet music playing and a seat Provided.
You take it and open the booklet…
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"Welcome to the Teen Titans, nice to meet you!
Here at Titans Tower, we're more of a family than a super-team, and you should feel free to relax when not on duty… however, due to unfortunate incidents in the past, please refrain from doing the following."
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Rule #1:
Always follow the Rules…
Because the guy who enforces them might get a little ticked off otherwise and appear in your room like a ninja at night to-
Roy! Don't you write in my Rulebook! Ignore that, new Titans… and please ignore any screaming that sounds like it's coming from Red Arrow for the foreseeable future…
-Nightwing
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Rule #2:
If you're going to use the Titan Car, tell someone… or Cyborg will have a heart-attack. No seriously, it's happened before.
That one time Beast Boy took it out to impress his date without telling our Cybernetic member… ended rather disturbingly, with Troia, Raven and Tempest four hours to work out how to disentangle the green-skinned shifter from the maze of metal he was wrapped in, and around…
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Rule #3:
No matter how infatuated with Harry Potter you are, telling your friends to close their eyes, hiding and screaming, "POOF!" whilst throwing a Stunned Beast Boy in the shape of your desired animal at them… does not make him your Animagus Form any more than wearing a Tiara makes me the Queen of Jupiter.
Argent, we know it was you, don't do it again.
-Nightwing
P.S. You're horrible at playing 'innocent'.
Oh come on, 'Wing. You SO looked good in that tiara… not to mention, didn't you do that to Batman last week? -Red Arrow
You…don't have a very long life expectancy, do you Roy? And for your information, he laughed about it later…after he stopped glaring.
-Nightwing
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Rule #4:
Sitting at the helm of the Titan Jet and yelling, "Engage!" gets you nowhere… no matter how funny you think it is.
Sci-fi Nerd-ling Strikes again…
-Red Arrow
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Rule #5:
Just because Troia is the most compassionate, does not mean she likes playing Counsellor… Please do NOT, EVER, seek her out…especially when she is on holiday…
Not that she doesn't love us all to bits, but when Wonder Girl, Superboy and Kid Flash chased her down to a local Spa for a heart-to-heart about their feelings for Robin… she may have gotten a little cross… -Red Arrow
A 'little', huh? Try, 'Why will no one ever give me a moment's peace?'…although I admit, hurling that bench at them probably wasn't very nice, I should have controlled my temper more…
-Troia
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Rule #6:
"We'll laugh about it Later" is not a good enough reason to take the T-Submarine unannounced.
I'm looking at you Beast Boy.
Crashing it into a reef because you're drunk also leaves a long-lasting impression… I thought Aquaman and Tempest were going to skin you alive after they saved your green ass from drowning…
-Red Arrow
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Rule #7:
Oooh! Can I write this one? –Red Arrow
Sure… but I'm watching you… -Nightwing.
Rule Number Seven… BatBabies have NO sense of Humour… well, they probably do, but it's probably all dark and disturbing…with penguins involved somehow…
*Laughter* Penguins…really? There's an interesting idea… and I do SO have a sense of humour… it's just slightly more sophisticated than your 'whoopie-cushions-in-the-waterbed' version…
-Nightwing
Suuuuuuuuuuure, Batboy, I totally believe you… -Red Arrow
*Sounds of a Scuffle heard; Red Arrow screaming for mercy, Troia intervenes*
You know this is dictating EVERYTHING, you two do, right? –Troia
*clearing of throat* Right, next rule… -Red Arrow
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Rule #8:
Starfire tends to Sunbathe Nude, as it recharges her powers, staring –even if she invites it- is forbidden. Especially Beast Boy… it's an invasion of Privacy…
Hey, YOU get to… -Red Arrow
Yes but we're- uh… -Nightwing
Whoa, you two are back together again? No way! –Red Arrow
Later. –Nightwing
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Rule #9:
Using Cyborg as a GameStation is not advised… Although his virus software is exceptionally advanced… it cannot always stop those bourne on foreign entities… like a video game you are trying to cram into his programming drive. Unless you want him to imagine you are a giant cheeseburger… don't. Even if it is rather amusing…
See what I told you? BatBabies have weird senses of humour… -Red Arrow
*Sounds of Scuffle Again*
Uncle, Dammnit! –Red Arrow
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Rule #10:
Making Lewd "Fastest Man Alive" Jokes at the Flash will not be tolerated.
No matter how funny they are….He can vibrate you into another dimension or run your atoms through a dozen brick walls if you anger him enough… -Red Arrow
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Rule #11:
Asking Tempest, Aquaman or Aquagirl if they would 'like some Fish and Chips' really isn't as funny as you think it is. Stop it.
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Rule #12:
Casually asking Raven if she can use her Soul Self to transport you to school, home, a friend's, the movies, etc… if generally frowned upon.
Yeah, you might just end up in a Hell dimension for a week, she really has no sense of humour…worse than you, BatBoy! –Red Arrow
Didn't you learn the first time-? …forget it, I'm not getting into it with you again… -Nightwing
Pfft! That's not what you said LAST NIGHT! –Red Arrow
What the-… what on earth are you on about? –Nightwing
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Rule #13:
Never make 'Yo Mama' Jokes around Nightwing… he will kill you… I have learnt this the hard way…
-Red Arrow
True. -Nightwing
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Rule #14:
The use of Fire Extinguishers as back-up Water Guns is hereby prohibited… pending an investigation of exactly how someone plastered Ravager to the ceiling, and how they managed to flush the other one in the Tower.
I…would also like to know. Seriously, whoever did it was a legend.-Red Arrow
Not…helping. –Nightwing
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Rule #15:
Just because Beast Boy says it's a Good Idea… does not necessarily MAKE it a Good Idea. In fact, do not listen to anything he tells you to do in a non-battle situation, it's most likely something that will get you in trouble.
He got you knocked up too? –Red Arrow
Oh shut up, Roy… -Nightwing
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Rule #16:
If, for some reason you broke Rule #15 and followed Beast Boy's direction… remember that you should have your Emergency Titan's Communicator [ETC] on you at all times…
Press the big Red Button. We'll come and get you… eventually. Oh, and if the French are involved… please try not to start an international incident…
Heh, that was one wicked prank… they really thought the Eifel Tower was gone… -Red Arrow
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Rule #17:
The correct Battle Cry for the Titans/Teen Titans is:
"TITANS TOGETHER!"
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The following examples are NOT 'just as good' or acceptable substitutes:
a) THIS. IS. SPARTA! [Especially in conjunction with kicking a Teammate off of the Tower/Down a Well]
b) TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE! [You are not a Klingon, get over it.]
c) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! [Neither are you Captain James T. Kirk]
d) FOR FRODO! [Just…No]
e) YOU… SHALL NOT… PASS! […On some occasions, this is permissible]
f) Oh Pinkie Pie, you are SO Random! [Any and all quotes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic will be taken into consideration…]
g) HEY MACCARENA! [Please try to stay focused…]
h) AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
i) "Always."
j) Any combination of h) and i)
k) Hakuna Matata! [It is NOT a 'Wonderful phrase', no matter what Beast Boy Says, especially if a song and dance routine are involved.]
l) "GRYFFINDOR!" [You are not the goddamned Sorting Hat, get over it. Nor can SLYTHERIN, or RAVENCLAW, be called.]
m) FOR NARNIA! [Your closet does not contain any hidden worlds, you are not secretly a King/Queen, so please refrain from calling this out in a battle situation.]
n) WHAT THE HELL IS A HUFFLEPUFF? [Yes, we've all seen it…it was funny the FIRST ten times, not anymore.]
o) NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH! [Acceptable…. Please substitute, 'Daughter' with 'Teammate']
p) Why is the Rum gone? [Especially if not in conjunction with either walking away dazedly, or attempting to rope sea turtles together with your own chest hair… the Atlanteans take a dim view on that sort of animal cruelty.]
q) "I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!" [NO. Please refrain from the 'Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Yeah!' Part, doubly so if your costume involves a speedo.]
r) Any Part of the Green Lantern's Oath. They don't like it when people joke about with it… and it takes ages to scrape hero bits off the pavement, ceiling and generally everywhere else, after you're hit repeatedly with a giant green Mallet.
s) WEASLEY IS OUR KING! [Permissable.]
t) The Xena WarCry. Although quite impressive, does tend to deafen your closest teammates. Looking at you, Troia.
u) All for ONE, and One For All! [NO. You are NOT a Musketeer…]
v) IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW! [And if you can't help yourself, please do not cry or attempt to find meaning in it.]
w) "LET'S PARTY ROCK!"
x) Any song from Disney. No seriously, we can't take it anymore…
y) WE ARE ST. TRINIAN'S! [The Titans dislike having to deal with Villains who have wet their pants upon hearing such a WarCry… *The More You Know*]
z) ALLONSEY! [No…just, no. At least four people in the Tower would find it Blasphemous and you would die a horrific, excruciating death…]
If you have to think twice about whether or not to do something –or Beast Boy/Red Arrow told you to- then it's probably going to get you caught, and punished.
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Rule #18:
Spontaneous bursts of songs from Musicals are…somewhat acceptable… anyone caught singing at 3am, will be subtly murdered.
Wait...what? I thought the Bat-Clan didn't kill! –Red Arrow
Hah, they only say that because they haven't found the bodies yet… -Nightwing
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Rule #19:
Just because you want to see the Batcave, does not necessarily mean we will take you to see it… continuously pestering any of the BatClan about it will most likely result in a midnight 'visit'.
…From THE Batman.
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Rule #20:
If someone doesn't want to tell you their Secret Identity, leave them alone. There's a reason the phrase has 'secret' in it after all…
You are also banned from going through their trash, ransacking their room to find a diary or trying to remove their masks…
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Rule #21:
There is no such thing as the 'Mandatory New Titan Strip Search', no matter what Beast Boy says.
Although the 'Wet Spandex Competition' is still a long running favourite amongst the older Titans…
-Red Arrow
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Rule #22:
If, again failing Rule #15 about following Beast Boy's commands… you find yourself involved in a complex, embarrassing or potentially dangerous/disturbing Initiation Ceremony… Again, please don't hesitate to call for assistance, we always like a front row seat.
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Rule #23:
There is no such thing as the "Teen Titan Initiation Ceremony", despite what Beast Boy might say… If he comes towards you with any of the following, please run for the nearest SANE Titans member.
a) A Rubber Chicken
b) Any form of Corset
c) Whipped Cream, especially in Pie form.
d) A Camera.
e) Fangirls…or worse, FanBOYS.
f) More than one unidentifiable object…
In fact… if you see him come towards you smiling… just Run. Fast.
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Rule #24:
If at any point you have angered Starfire to the point where she is screaming in Tamaranean, Temeranese… uh, something that does not sound English, you are probably going to die, but on the plus side, we'll make you a statue in the Titan Memorial Hall.
Heh, you would know… -Red Arrow
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Rule #25:
There are to be NO indoor Barbecues… That means YOU, Red Arrow, Flash and Ravager. Especially not at midnight, please… the Fire Department was not Amused.
But-… -Red Arrow
Quiet, you… you set the Common Room on Fire. –Nightwing.
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Rule #26:
Attempting to get around Rule #25 by asking Kid Devil to toast your Marshmallows with his Fiery Breath, is generally frowned upon. Especially by Kid Devil himself, who rather values his sleep, and complains to us when you wake him at midnight.
Heh, Heh, Heh… admit it, that was ingenious. –Red Arrow
No… it really wasn't. –Nightwing
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Rule #27:
Asking Wonder Girl is she is wearing a "Wonder Bra" will most certainly get you killed, maimed or otherwise disabled. And if anything remains of you, it will be punished.
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Rule #28:
Please remember Miss Martian can read minds, sometimes by accident, it does not mean you can deliberately attempt to send her vague and/or disturbingly pornographic images…
Do you really want to piss off someone who can assume any shape in the universe?
Not to mention her Uncle…
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Rule #29:
No matter how funny you think it is, chanting, "Robin is our Wonder Boy/(Boy Wonder), We WONDER What he's For." Red Arrow, this needs to stop.
Fiiiiiiiine, 'Nightwing is our Wonder Boy, we wonder what he's- URK!'
-Red Arrow
You are so dead… -Nightwing
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Rule #30:
Nudity in the Generalised Tower is …not exactly discouraged, but could we ask that… if you feel the urgent need to abandon your clothing or costume… you do not do so in front of younger members, or in front of any guests.
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Rule #31:
In accordance with Rule #30, you must be forewarned that at some point you may see the following Titan Members in a nude or semi-nude state:
a) Starfire –Tamaraneans do not have body issues, apparently.
b) Troia – Amazons…modesty isn't an issue.
c) Ravager – She does tend to get slightly drunk and do strange things, like ambushing Robin in his room, nude. Please be aware this may happen to you.
d) Tempest – Apparently Atlanteans like to swim naked, please be aware of this if you plan on swimming at any point.
e) Beast Boy – There is no reason, it just...happens.
f) Red Arrow – Often deliberate and frequent… he is obsessed with showing off his most favoured 'arrow'.
g) I think you forgot yourself, 'Wing. Don't be modest, you have nothing to be ashamed of… Striding through here in just a towel is considered 'Fan Service'… -Red Arrow
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Rule #31:
If at anypoint (and it will happen) you are in the Common Tower Bathroom/Your Own Shower and, out of nowhere, Tempest slides open the door and orders you out of it… MOVE YOUR ASS. Sometimes he just needs to get to water, and if your shower is closest… you move. Don't worry, it sounds strange and you'll feel self-conscious the first time, but you will get used to it.
He may or may not wink at you, if he does, you probably have a nice ass… -Red Arrow
Roy… not helping. –Nightwing
Pfft, we all know he'd do anything to get in the Shower WITH you… I heard his comment last time, he's never said that to ME.
-Red Arrow
Jealous…? –Nightwing
No, of course not. …okay, maybe a little. –Red Arrow
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Rule #32:
Accidents happen. Yes, sometimes in battle, costumes do rip in unfortunate places… most noticeably for the female Titans, please try to remember you are SUPPOSED to be mature enough to handle situations like this.
Hooting, Wolf-Whistling or asking if they need any 'help'…in a lewd manner… is prohibited. Even if they ask.
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Rule #33:
Just because you HAVE X-Ray Vision, doesn't mean you HAVE to use it on your teammates in inappropriate settings… it's technically being a Peeping Tom, and to be honest, it's rather creepy.
Superboy has already been cautioned TWICE, for incidents involving the x-ray vision peeping into the bathrooms of two unspecified Teen Titan teammates. Yes, some of your bathrooms are now lead-lined for this very purpose, if you can guess which one, you get a cookie.
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Rule #33:
Miss Martian is no longer allowed to bake Cookies unsupervised… or anything else for that matter. Especially not that strange burnt liquid she keeps calling 'toast'.
Tasted pretty weird too… -Red Arrow
You didn't- …you would. –Nightwing
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Rule #34:
Just because the older Teen Titans call each other by strange and ridiculous nicknames, does not mean you can do it. In fact, you may just die for even thinking about it…
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Rule #35:
The use of Banjos in Titans Tower… is strictly forbidden. Seriously, just NO.
The same goes for Bagpipes… You can thank Beast Boy for that.
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Rule #36:
The Flash is the Fastest Man Alive, he is not a Taxi Service… please do not ask him to run you all over the place in a non-emergency situation.
There will be penalties for anyone who mis-uses the Emergency Titan's Communicator for such a purpose…
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Rule #37:
Referring to Raven's Demon form as 'PMS-Mode' will most likely get you thrown into another dimension… or murdered. Either way, none of us will save you.
Beast Boy's just lucky she likes him, I thought he was a Goner… -Red Arrow
Me too. –Nightwing
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Rule #38:
Prank Calling the Justice League on the Watchtower is NOT a Good Idea, trust us… Voice of Experience speaking. We have tried them all before… and yes, the Watchtower fridge is running, but no, Superman is not interested in catching it.
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Rule #39:
The same applies to Prank Calling the BatCave, believe me…THAT would be a VERY BAD IDEA.
If you have never seen Batman Angry, you are Fortunate.
Alright, not one of my finest moments… -Red Arrow
You are lucky you're still alive… -Nightwing
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Rule #40:
If, by any chance, a strange unmarked package appears inexplicably at the Tower… don't open it! At no point in Titan history has that EVER worked out well for us…
From Evil Pies to Soul-Stealing Puppets, I repeat, it has NEVER worked out well for us…
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Rule #41:
Referring to Cyborg as either R2D2 or C3PO is forbidden. That means you, Red Arrow.
Oh come on, I only did that once! –Red Arrow
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Rule #42:
Any stranger caught sparkling in the Sunlight, or watching any Titan [Teen or otherwise] while they sleep, or acting with slightly less charisma than a brick wall… will be staked on sight.
We all voted on this.
Some of us voted more than once… -Red Arrow
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Rule #43:
Just because there is a pause in conversation, or in a meeting, does not give you the right to start singing, "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today!" regardless of whether or not it may be true…
Likewise, nobody wants to hear "Pink Fluffy Unicorns, Dancing on Rainbows", because it was weird enough when Tempest fell in love with it…
That, was…HILARIOUS. –Red Arrow
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Rule #44:
You are not a Pokemon Master. So chasing Beast Boy with a PokeBall in an attempt to 'Catch 'em All' is mostly unacceptable, it depends on how drunk your supervising Titan is at the time as to whether or not they'll go along with it.
Of course, unofficially, we will all say yes –drunk or not.
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Rule #45:
You are not a Jedi, and Ravager will murder you if you take her energy swords… we will not save you, because it will most likely be hilarious.
Dude, I thought you were the responsible Titan! –Red Arrow
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Rule #46:
Lights out is at 10pm, no exceptions. Emergencies have different regulations [see "Introductory Titans Emergency Manual: How to Handle a Crisis"].
Cyborg [or his security system] will eventually catch you, and believe me… in accordance with Rule #45, waving your hands in his direction/that of the cameras, and saying, "I am not the Titan you are looking for…" has never worked.
Aren't you being a little hypocritical here? You and Robin are always up at ridiculous times of night/morning… -Red Arrow
Alright, so I'll just add another rule… -Nightwing
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Rule #47:
The following people have automatic exceptions to the Lights out Rule:
a) Robin
b) Batgirl
c) Spoiler
d) Basically anyone from the BatClan/Gotham…
We seriously can't help it. Bat!Insomnia.
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Rule #48:
Please limit fighting to the Training Room, it has been specifically designed for you and your powers… the Kitchen, Bathrooms, Lounge room, Play Rooms, Pool and Bedrooms, however…have not.
And whoever is blew up the washing machine, come forwards and confess before we review the surveillance tapes… because if we have to come and find you, it'll be so much worse for you.
Dude, I'LL confess if you NEVER use that creepy tone in a semi-dark room ever again! –Red Arrow
…What 'Creepy Dark Tone'? –Nightwing
…Stay out of my room at night… -Red Arrow
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Rule #49:
Yes, there were five original Titans…this does not make them the Scooby Gang. Just the idea of Red Arrow in an orange jumper and red mini-skirt is enough to mess you up for life…
Coming from you, 'Daphne'… -Red Arrow
Oh no, don't you two start again, if anyone was Daphne, it was ME. Nightwing's more of a Fred… but he's right, Roy, you're totally a Velma… -Troia
I-…but-…what? No fair, you two always gang up on me! –Red Arrow
She's got you there… and you didn't complain about it last night… -Nightwing
Uh… I'll just go use brain bleach, be right back. –Red Arrow
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Rule #50:
If, at any point, you enter the Tower to find it dark, abandoned and creepy music playing… it's either a surprise party… or you're Doomed. Either way, don't call out, "Hello…? Is Anybody in Here…?" because I can assure you, if it is indeed a serial killer/Deathstroke, he sure as hell isn't going to answer you with, "I'm in the Kitchen…want a Sandwich?"
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"If you have read thus far and are still determined to be part of this mad amalgamation of Super-teens and Heroes, please turn the Page.
If not, the exit is about 20 metres to your left, faster if you run… screaming is optional."
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So... The First 50 are over...
Who's waiting for the next page to turn?
Would you stay in my version of Titan's Tower?
~*SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire*~