I HAD A VERY DISTINT URGE TO WRITE FANFICTION TODAY

Chapter 20: I've Come Undone

4 Months later

Death is a funny thing. Well, not really. You see, everyone misses the departed and tries to console those left behind. There is a huge difference between the dead and living but there is also a big difference between the survivors and those barely surviving. The survivors are those who remember the departed and miss them but are as happy as they can be. Those barely surviving are those who still have that hole in their heart and aren't sure how to go on. The barely surviving are never the same again. Susana's mother was barely surviving.

Susana had noticed the change in her mother's behavior. There were times where her mother would just start crying. In the last four months, she had lost almost 25 pounds from stress. Her family took quite the toll because of this. Her mother had gone to Muggle doctors without telling anyone in hopes that they would help since Mungo's only treated magical maladies. Susana, however, had found the anxiety pills with her mother's name on it.

If Susana had to classify everyone else in her family, her dad was surviving and her sister and herself were somewhere in the middle. Susana's reason for this may have been the fact she had not attended the funeral. Her parents had thought it would have been best if she had stayed and looked after the house with Stiles. For this, Susana never really had closure. In the past few months, she had been working up the nerve to go to her grandmother's grave.

She knew what cemetery it was in, since her family would go to visit the graves of dearly departed when she was little. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't face the reality of what war was really like even if she was in the Order now. That was something her parents weren't fond of. They wanted to keep their little girl safe but ultimately, they couldn't stop her.

Susana stared at the faded scar on the back of her hand and felt like in the past four months she had reverted back to her old self. The girl from before sixth and seventh year. She felt like the shy bookworm who barely left the library. The one who really didn't like a lot of things about herself and strived for perfection she would never achieve. She had to remind herself that she had to go through with this and that she had someone to go with her. She had to get closure.

Stiles was busy with his work and she couldn't take Summer or anyone of her Muggle friends because she was Apparating to the cemetery. So she had turned to only other person she could turn to. No matter how much she didn't want to cry in front of him, she had to have someone go with her or she wouldn't have the strength to go at all. George was her only hope.

There was a small tap on her bedroom door and she turned to see the person she expected. "Ready?" George asked softly, coming up beside her. Susana stared at her reflection in the mirror. Merlin, did she hate the face staring back right now. She shook the feeling off though and nodded. She took hold of George's hand and they Apparated together to the cemetery.

Upon reaching the cemetery, Susana followed the path where the newer graves were and surely enough; she came across her grandmother's. There were two pictures of her on the marble encasing of her grave. One was a much younger photograph of her while the other was taken just a year before she died. Susana took one look at it and felt the lump rise in her throat. Her lips were quivering and her eyes watered. The last time she had cried had been a week after her grandma's passing and that was it. Everything else had been bottled in until now.

Susana shoo'd George away, and dropped to her knees. Susana was silent, rooted to her spot and listening as George walked away, leaving her alone. Susana sniffed and wiped her cheek. And she just watched. She just stared at the grave before her. It took everything in her system to say something, knowing well enough that the person buried there couldn't hear her.

"Sometimes, I don't really believe you're gone so in hopes I can finally let go, I'm here, talking to your grave with my boyfriend. You would have loved him. I know I do." She laughed half-heartedly and sniffed again. "Can you even hear me? I hope so because I just want you to know how much I love you and miss you. You could barely afford to spoil Ana and I, but what you couldn't afford, you made up for with love and happiness and I-I could never thank you enough for that."

Susana just stayed there, crying because she couldn't stop. It must have been a good ten minutes before George returned to her side.

Susana stood up from the cold winter ground and smiled through tears. George pulled his wand out and pointed it at the headstone. A wreath of white flowers appeared on top. After a moment of silence, he pulled Susana into a tight hug as she cried the last of her tears. "Thank you, George." She said into his coat.

"Anytime." He responded and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too." He added after a moment. Susana chuckled.

The boy had good ears on him.

'(-)'

Left and right, bodies were dropping on the floor. It was an all-out war. There was no mercy shown for the woman or children or for anyone for that matter. Nobody was safe.

From her right, she heard an explosion and cries. Another person was dead. There Susana stood, trying to find her place in this war. Everything was vivid except for location of the battle. She didn't know where she was but she recognized many faces. Ginny Weasley, Cho Chang, Professor McGonagall and many others. They were each fighting against, what Susana could tell, were Deatheaters.

Susana stood, her feet planted solidly on the ground. She turned and pointed her wand at the boy in front of her. 'No!' she thought 'He's not a Deatheater! Don't kill him!'

It took a moment for her vision to focus but when it did, she realized the boy in front of her was George. He didn't move, just stared at her like he was about to die.

She tried to put her wand down but her arm wouldn't budge. She felt tears spill from her eyes as she shouted words she never wanted to utter at him.

"Avada Kedavra!" A blast of green erupted from her wand and hit his chest.

Susana wanted to die. She just killed someone. She just killed George. Her worst nightmares had come true. Hot tears kept pouring out of her eyes but she couldn't do anything to stop herself. She walked towards his lifeless body and lifted her foot off the ground, landing a solid kick against his side.

To add to the horrid, through tears, Susana let out the most haunting laugh.

'(-)'

Susana shot up from her bed. Beads of sweat rolled down the side of her face. She looked back at her pillow and saw the tearstains. Her hands instinctively went up to her face. She had been crying in her sleep because of that nightmare. That terrible, terrible nightmare. It had felt so real though. Everything was so vivid and she had seen herself so clearly kill George.

Susana put her hand to heart. It was beating rapidly. She looked around. She was in her room and it seemed like everything was in its original place. From outside her window, she could see snow falling over her street. It was the first day of December.

She couldn't tell anyone. They would just pass it off as a really bad nightmare and Susana would have thought the same. That was until she had the same nightmare every night for the next week. She knew there was something different about this nightmare and she couldn't tell anyone. But then again, she was never good at hiding her own secrets.

She was extremely jumpy about everything. She was sure Stiles and Summer noticed this but they didn't ask her. They knew she had a lot on her plate right now. Occasionally, they would ask her how she was feeling and in all honesty, Susana felt terrible. She had a throbbing headache almost every day and a sore throat too. Even though she was used to frequent headaches, having literally inherited constant migraines from her mother, these headaches were the most painful she had ever had. Passing by Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes from time to time didn't help either.

One afternoon, when her headache had subsided, she found herself once again visiting her favourite pair of twins. She was still as jumpy as ever because of the nightmares though.

She greeted the two with a hug, with a kiss on the cheek for George then left them to take care of something's.

She stared at the instant darkness powder and sighed to herself. The images from her nightmares flashed in her head every so often that she had completely zoned out. Everything was terrible about her nightmare but the thing that really made her question it was that she had heard herself laugh through tears in the nightmare. It was like throughout that whole nightmare, she wasn't herself but yet she was. She wouldn't have started crying in her nightmare if she didn't want to do what she did.

"Are you trying to penetrate it with your mind or something?" George whispered into her ear.

Susana jumped and nearly hit him in the face. She put her hand to her heart and scowled at him. "Don't scare me like that."

George furrowed his brows and gave her a funny look. "Sorry? I was only joking."

Susana shook her head and looked back at the instant darkness powder. George stared at her for a second before speaking again. "What's wrong?" His brows were still furrowed. He was clearly still a little angered from being scowled for doing something so harmless. But he knew Susana wouldn't have gotten upset if she wasn't already upset.

Susana glanced at him and returned her gaze to the powder. "Nothing." She pursed her lips together and that was probably her dead giveaway to the fact that she was lying.

"Do you think I'm that thick? There is obviously something wrong." His voice was rising and Susana regretted ever scowling him in the first place.

"Obviously you are that thick because there's nothing wrong." She retorted. She couldn't tell him about her nightmares. They would just freak him out or he would think Susana was a complete psychopath. She didn't think anybody would think that someone dreaming about murdering their boyfriend was normal or safe whatsoever.

George glared fiercely at her. "And you are so thick that you won't even admit that there's something wrong and if you don't tell me, I'm only going to assume it's because of something I did and I don't recall do anything wrong."

Susana bit her lip. She could feel the tears springing to her eyes. She wanted to protect the ones she loved and she knew that dream meant something. It was acting as a warning of some kind, it had to be, and she was sure of it. So if staying away from George meant protecting him, she would do so no matter how selfish she was being.

"Exactly. You didn't do anything wrong, I'm my own problem. I'm the one that's done here." She said coldly, trying her best to sound as normal as she could. She could feel the strain in her voice as she spoke even so. She didn't look at him but she could feel his eyes on her. "Goodbye George."

She walked past him, leaving him completely shocked by what just happened. The moment she stepped out of the store, she Apparated home, back into her room.

She changed into her pajamas upon arrival and cuddled up into her bed, crying herself to sleep. She had been crying mainly because she had just broken up with the guy she was in love with but somewhere, at the back of her mind, she knew there was another reason. Deep down, she wanted George to run after her and make her explain everything but she knew he wouldn't.

Susana wouldn't either, not if someone said the exact same thing to her as she had said to George.

ICANNOTLOOKATTHEOLDCHAPTERSOFTHISFANFICTIONWITHOUT CRINGING

OHDEARGODITSSOCLICHE

Future Story Hint: My only choice is to over react
Is this a voice or just a panic attack?
I need a doctor to help me try to relax
No one ever told me I was living too fast
I thought I should tell you
My world is crashing down, again

One line in the next chapter: "You didn't break up with him over a dream. That just made you anxious and upset."

Reviews are super helpful so I don't have to cringe in the future