Introduction

I got the idea for this story when I noticed, while playing ME2, how the crew would complain about Gardner's cooking. Obviously, I thought, this poor guy has a tough job on the Normandy SR2. And cooking is just part of it; he's the HVAC guy, and he's probably also mopping the floors, cleaning after everybody, unclogging sinks (Miranda's hair... again!) and toilets (were these even designed to handle a dump by a krogan?), maybe even doing the laundry... Among humans on the Normandy, he is also one of the oldest (same approximate age group as Zaeed and Chakwas), and he also has a rather tragic personal history.

To make the story more interesting, I decided to use Kelly's POV. But that made me think of Kelly Chambers and how she seems almost completely useless in the game (relaying messages?). We know she's supposed to be monitoring the psychological state of Shepard and the crew... but we see little of her actual job as a psychologist. If the Illusive Man put her on the Normandy, she may have a more important role than it appears. Anyway, as I wrote and re-wrote this short piece, Kelly practically took over from Gardner as the central character.

This story assumes:
1. Psychology is a more advanced, reliable and practical science in the 2180's than it may be today. Now, if there is a psychologist (I don't dare hope for more than one…) reading this, please understand that I don't mean to offend ;-P
2. Kelly is an expert in dynamical systems psychology (DSP – for a few moments, I kind of hoped this was an original idea, but I looked it up and… systems psychology has been thought out already… at least as far back as the 1970's… damn!) as applied to crews of various types and has been the one entrusted to pick/choose all the crewmen/women on the Normandy. She has done so with the help of advanced computer modeling, and reliable data obtained through scientifically validated interviews, brain scans and other cutting edge neuropsychology techniques, assessing the character, strengths and weaknesses of each potential crewmember. She built the crew around a core including Shepard, Joker, Dr. Chakwas, Miranda, Jacob and EDI. In her simulations, she probably included several fictitious unknown alien recruits as well, to account for how the mission might unfold according to the Illusive Man. This being a high-stress and possible suicide mission, she picked candidates that were best suited to maximize the crew's resilience as a whole.
3. Cerberus probably has one or more possible replacement for each member of the crew. If there are losses or breakdowns, some crewmembers could be replaced a little like electronic components on a circuit board. In fact, that might be the main reason why Kelly is on the ship at all; to assess the situation directly in order to have anybody replaced if necessary.
4. Gardner's position is very important in Kelly's systemic model and it was a tough one to fill; tens of candidates were considered before she found this jewel in the rough (pun intended).
5. Shepard is from Mindoir, gender non-specified (although I personally prefer maleShep).

Also (Edit: April 7, 2014): Credit should be given where credit is due. Obviously, this one-shot would not have been written without Bioware's Mass Effect. The cover image (Yeoman Kelly Chambers) was found on (www.)deviantart(.com) and is the excellent work from 'Metal-Potato-Alex' (pending permission to use).

Back to work.

"Now don't get me wrong, I don't really hate aliens..." But the older man, who was rather short and stocky, contributing to the impression of quiet solidity that he usually projected, suddenly became something else as Kelly saw a dark and hard expression come over his face, almost like a shadow. His gaze seemed to focus on something behind her as he added "...'cept blinks..."

Kelly watched him, quiet and professionally neutral, resisting the urge to look behind her to make sure there was no horde of batarians standing at the back of the communication room. Gardner's flashback episodes were not very frequent and did not affect him too much after so many years; he had moved on, mostly, and she didn't want to mess that up right now. In fact, these unfortunate events in his personal history had been an element in his favor when she had made her final choice. The man saw a kind of kinship between himself and Shepard – both had lost their family in somewhat similar circumstances – and that ensured a greater loyalty to the commander, despite the latter's known anti-Cerberus stance.

But the episode lasted only a moment - less than one second in all - the man quickly getting a hold of himself, his expression lightening. Looking at her again, he simply continued as if nothing had happened "...It's just that, now that we have aliens on the ship, it takes more time to prepare the meals... And I just hope I won't piss Shepard by poisoning one or both of them."

Kelly smiled encouragingly "You'll get the hang of it, Rupert. The additional training you got before coming onboard will kick in, I'm sure. ...Now, about what you said earlier, you know… the complaints about your cooking… It may seem silly, but there's a trick I learned in school that usually works fine; you just have to find a phrase, a kind of mantra that will put a positive spin on things and allow you to see them in a better-"

"Miss Chambers…" the man cut her off. He scratched the side of his nose with a thick finger then sighed as he put both calloused hands on the surface of the table. "…they don't really bother me… It's just that you insisted so much for me to come up with some complaint, that I said the first thing that went through my mind… I don't need some magic formula to feel better. I like my work, and that's enough for me..."

She chuckled at that. Of course, she thought, if it had been the first thing that went through his mind, it probably meant something; this was an old concept in her area of expertise. But the interview had lasted long enough and he clearly was tired of it. Smiling, she replied "I didn't mean to upset you, Rupert... But I'm an optimist; I know that, one day, you'll finally open up and then we'll make real progress!"

Predictably, the man rolled his eyes at her joke and started to get up. "Not that I hate chatting with you or anything of the sort, but dinner doesn't cook itself... yet."

She too got to her feet, picking up her datapads and looking around, making sure not to leave anything behind. "That's ok, Rupert... Nobody like these interviews… But it's my job to make sure the whole crew is functioning well, and if I can help you in any way to feel better-"

Again, he interrupted her. "Don't you worry with me. The kids on this ship may look down on me with all their diplomas and big titles… You know, expert this and expert that… But at the end of the day, they want comforting warm grub, just like anybody else. Yes, some did make nasty comments about my cooking, but that's just because they can't complain about the weather..."

She looked back at him, a little surprised at how close he was to the truth. In fact, a ship this size did not really need a cook, but she had decided there would be one, allowing the crew an easy way to channel some of their tensions and frustrations; people needed to complain about something. That's just how it was. Gardner's actual culinary talent had counted for little when she had chosen him among all the others. Rather, it was that rare capacity he had to take criticism and just shrug it off that made him so ideally suited for this position. She just wanted to make sure this talent of his was not overtaxed.

Together, they moved out of the room, went through the armory and then to the elevator. When she too got in, Gardner turned to her, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

She shrugged. "Going to deck three... need to talk with the doctor."

He smiled as the door closed "Ah, yes... the doctor... Now there's a classy woman. Maybe I should bring her something to drink one day. Heard she likes the good stuff..." He winked at her at the end.

She laughed lightly. Gardner and Dr. Chakwas were the two oldest crewmembers and, somehow, she could imagine them sharing a drink… But her computer model said the probabilities were not favorable for anything of a more sentimental nature to develop between them. Ironically however, those two had roles that went far beyond what was commonly perceived; they were stabilizing and moderating elements, to compensate for the rest of the crew, younger and necessarily more boisterous… He and Dr. Chakwas were a little like the father and mother, exerting parental authority on the rest.

Not at all like that old mercenary guy who just joined Shepard's team, along with the two alien, she thought. No... Zaeed was more like a crazy uncle barging in, making trouble in an otherwise harmonious family. She was still working on his profile and, despite the sympathy she had for his scarred psyche, she was worried the veteran would put too much strain on her carefully crafted crew. But, as she had said to Gardner, she was an optimist; the crewmembers had been chosen for maximum resiliency, and the computer simulations had showed the system's homeostasis could be maintained despite impressive pressures.

Fortunately, although they seemed quite troubled as well, preliminary data indicated the two aliens were more introverted. Both the turian vigilante and the salarian scientist could be impulsive, but they were much less likely to sow chaos on the ship like Zaeed undoubtedly would at some point.

She shook her head, thinking of the last files Shepard had just received. The ship was actually on its way to recruit a krogan battlemaster and then, after that, they would go to some kind of space prison to pick up a true sociopath... Was it even possible to fit so many troubled individuals on a single team, she wondered. Shepard was strong though… probably more than enough to keep all of them in check.

Her musings were interrupted as the elevator stopped and its door opened.

"Any special request for this evening?" Asked Gardner as they moved out and took to the left. Obviously, he was talking about the coming meal.

Kelly smiled slyly as she looked at him "Hmm… what was it again? …Less ass and more food?"

He chuckled, shaking his head "See now, we're back to square one!"

As they rounded the elevator shaft, the smile on Gardner's face disappeared almost instantaneously at the sight that greeted them in the mess hall.

"…The hell?" The older man said as, walking faster, he approached the noisy people grouped around a corner of the large table near his cooking area. Kelly was hot on his heels, curious also as to what was going on.

They were all men, and among them were Joker, Donnelly and even the two alien recruits, who were standing side by side at the edge of the group. The turian, Garrus, had just said something and now appeared to be smiling - well, as much as a turian could smile, a feat complicated by the dressing adorning one side of his face. The salarian, Dr. Solus, seemed more curious than anything else as he observed the seated man at center of the group.

Kelly was not really surprised at who it was. She sighed, unable to hide her disappointment. There went all her hopes that the troublesome man would have waited a few more days before starting to make trouble.

Zaeed Massani, the veteran mercenary, was seated at the table, his left hand lying flat on its surface, palm down and fingers spread widely. In his right hand, he was holding a ridiculously large knife with some wicked serrations along one edge. Kelly arrived just in time to catch his snide reply to Garrus "Easy to say, turian… but you don't have enough digits to make it a challenge! Just look at this!" And the man proceeded to demonstrate his skill, the pointed end of the knife stabbing back and forth between his left fingers in quick succession, each strike accompanied by a sharp and surprisingly loud 'toc' as it touched the table.

Gardner was wincing at every 'toc' and quickly lost his temper. "Hey! What are you doing to my table!" he Interjected loudly, pushing against some of the crewmen as he tried to reach the mercenary.

Zaeed stopped and turned to him, smirking. "Ah, the cook… We're just having some fun. This ship looks like it needs to loosen up a little."

The other men, who had been quiet during the demonstration, started to protest against Gardner's interruption and one even said "…come on Gardner, go reheat some leftovers and leave us alone…"

Gardner stepped back, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. It was obvious to Kelly that he was not ready to let himself be brushed aside like that. Muttering under his breath "I'll show you cooking…" he turned and rushed behind his nearby counter where he crouched, disappearing from her view. He sure looks angry, she thought, and she prudently took a few steps back toward the entrance to the sick bay. This could get ugly… but interesting.

They were in a relative down time, in FTL between star systems, and that was when bored off duty people gathered and started doing things. Sometimes they were fun things, and sometimes they were really stupid. It seemed to her that, this time around, they were closer to the latter end of the spectrum. But, Kelly reasoned, this was an opportunity to see how her crew – the system - would react to Zaeed's destabilizing influence. She glanced toward the kitchen where, judging by the noise of pots and pans being moved about, Gardner was apparently rummaging under the counter. But Zaeed's voice drew her attention back to the table.

"Alright boys…" Zaeed said, spinning the knife in his right hand. "…I'll use the standard sequence and stop as soon as I cut myself... or after ten runs. You decided on the bets yet?"

Joker nodded at him and looked at the others, calling "OK! Everybody listen!" When he had all their attention, he started to explain "Bets are on which finger gets notched first... or cut off. There's also the option where nothing happens in ten runs, in which case Mr. Massani here…" he pointed a finger at the veteran "…wants all the creds."

An animated discussion took off as an objection was raised regarding - if Kelly understood anything about the stupid game – the different possible ways of ensuring that Zaeed would not be cheating by being deliberately too slow.

But they were soon interrupted by Gardner who was carrying a large and thick cutting board made of white polymer, and was using it to shove men aside as he made his way to the table to confront the mercenary. "That's enough! I won't tolerate you guys damaging my table and I won't tolerate you spilling blood and fingers around." He then slammed the cutting board on the table.

"Hey! Careful, you bloody bastard-" Zaeed shouted as he promptly pulled back his hands, barely avoiding the large and heavy kitchen implement as it landed noisily in front of him.

But the surprised mercenary did not have more time to react as Gardner turned to the others and continued "If you really need to play with knives and spill blood, at least have the decency to do it in the cargo hold!" He gestured around. "This is a mess hall, not a cheesy joint in some lousy spacedump!" He pointed at Zaeed and added "And I don't care if the doc gave him a clear bill of health, I don't want his blood to contaminate this place… You all eat here!"

The last comment seemed to have had some effect as a few men grimaced and one even commented "Aw, Gardner… you're grossing us out..." Everyone was looking at the fuming Gardner, and it became clear to Kelly that the situation had changed and that, for all intents and purposes, the show was over. Feet started to shuffle, crewmen were looking at each other and a muffled "…other things to do…" was heard.

Garrus and Dr. Solus were the first ones to move away; the turian toward the main battery and the salarian toward the elevator.

From her vantage point, Kelly watched with interest as the men dispersed, Joker looking disappointed and Zaeed just pissed as he sheated his knife, got up and approached Gardner, frowning at him. "You've got some nerve, cook…" Then he smirked, adding "...but I've learned a long time ago not to mess with the guy who's preparing my food... I'll tell you the whole story when I'm in a better mood."

Gardner chuckled at that, not looking intimidated in the least "That's Gardner for you… Massani."

The mercenary nodded once at him and turned away, moving toward the elevator with the last of the men.

Gardner walked to where the mercenary had been seated and leaned over the table, running a hand on the dents left by the knife. "Aw... not too bad… That should buff out."

Kelly approached him, chuckling. "That was impressive, Rupert. You've really shown who's the boss around here." She felt happy, relieved and proud, all mixed together. Gardner had played his role to perfection. No doubt, she thought, there would be more incidents like this, but now she felt her optimism had been justified. The system – through Gardner - had reacted to Zaeed and homeostasis had been preserved.

The man turned to her and smiled "Yeah… I had to deal with lots of guys like that when I worked the rigs back in the frontier colonies. You just have to stand your ground with them. They act tough, so you have to be tough with them too… Usually works."

She was going to reply, but EDI's voice interrupted their conversation "Mr. Gardner, there has been a minor incident in the women's washroom. The drain of a sink appears to be obstructed."

Looking up in the air, he replied "Thanks EDI, I'm on it." Turning to Kelly again, he shrugged. "…Back to work."

She smiled at him and nodded. As she watched him move away toward the washrooms, she considered the way he had just said "back to work." Realization hit her. That was his own mantra, his little trick phrase to put things in their proper perspective. A little lacking in the sparkle department, she thought. But it seemed to fit with his character. Shrugging, she turned and entered sick bay. Back to work indeed, she muttered to herself.