Chapter 1

The Diagnosis

Eric Cartman sat at the edge of his bed, gazing at the blond boy that sat in front of him. A twisted smirk made its way across his chunky face, pushing a sensation of worry into the blond's heart. There was just something that didn't feel right about this situation. There was just something in that smile that made him shiver. He realized that something very unnatural was about to occur in the very room in which he stood, but what?

"Butters, get your fucking ass over here!" Eric ordered, swinging his pointed finger to the ground.

"Uh, y-yes, Eric," Butters stuttered, awkwardly approaching his big lard of a friend. Their eyes met in a moment of utter silence; shimmering blue eyes reflecting into deep brown ones. The moment was lost when the gleaming blue eyes blinked, shifting into another direction.

"Turn around, Butters!" Eric barked, swirling his fat pointer finger in the air. "And take off your shirt!"

Without hesitation, Butters did as demanded of him, no questions asked. He really wished he knew what Eric had schemed up this time. It would only be a matter of time before he found out, he supposed.

"Good," Eric said in a hushed tone, wrapping his thick arms around the scrawny boy. "You're all mine now, and there's nothing you can do about it…" He voice became softer, sending chills down Butters' spine. Eric knew exactly what he had in store for Butters, and knew God damn well the boy would play along without hesitation, as he always had. He was like putty in Eric's hands.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Butters unknowingly awaited what was about to happen next. At that very moment, warm, wet lips of Eric Cartman touched his neck, lathering his soft skin with his saliva. It was not what Butters expected, but he still unsure of what to think of it.

Eric continued to glaze his tender lips across his friend's neck, enjoying every moment of it. His body shivered in sheer delight. As if it had a mind of its own, one of his beefy hands slipped their way down Butters' pants, causing the blond to make a slight squeak as the fat fingers stroked his genitalia.

"E-eric," Butters moaned, paralyzed in place.

"Shut up, Butters," Eric whispered, continuing to rub against the other boy's penis with pleasure. His free hand began the removal of Butters' pants and boxers.

"E-eric," Butters repeated, slightly louder as his face flushed a beat red.

"I said shut up." Eric's voice seemed a tad irritated now, but he still softly stroked the blond's genitalia.

"Eric!" the voice of his teacher exploded out of Butters mouth, causing the room to turn black.

"Eric Cartman!" Mr. Garrison shouted one last time, blowing an air horn shortly afterwards.

"Agh!" Eric screeched, covering his ears along with the rest of the class. "What the fuck was that for?"

"For falling asleep in class again, Eric! Now keep your sorry ass awake or go to the principal's office!" Mr. Garrison lectured, holding his hands at his hips.

"Tch, whatevah," Eric muttered hoarsely under his breath.

"Now, back to my lecture on the retards that want to censor the internet," Mr. Garrison continued, looking back at his board.

Eric was too busy thinking about his dream to really give a fuck. It was just too bizarre. For the past few weeks, he's been having all these strange dreams, which usually involve sexual relations between himself and Butters. It didn't make any sense to him whatsoever. First of all, why would he ever dream of being with Butters? He was a stupid pussy! Second of all, he wasn't gay, so why would he even have these sort of dreams? There had to be a reason! Maybe he was sick or something? Eric had no clue, but he was determined to find out.

"Mr. Garrison!" Eric shouted, interrupting class, yet again. "Can I go to the nurse's office? I don't feel too good…." He tried his best to keep his voice innocent and gentle, hoping to get his way.

"No, you seem fine to me, Eric," Mr. Garrison commented, studying the boy from head to toe.

"God damn it! I don't feel good!" Eric shouted, slamming his fists against his desk.

"You're just trying to get out of class again, fat ass!" Kyle commented, sneering at the tubby child.

"For the last time, I'm not fat! I'm big boned!" Cartman shot at the Jewish boy, Kyle.

"Yeah, suuuuuuuuuure you are," Stan added, slurring his words.

"Stop defending your stupid, Jew-ass boyfriend, you fucking drunk-tard!" Cartman was fuming with anger, about ready to burst.

"Eh, fuck yooooou, Cartmaaan, you fucking piece of shit!" With that said, Stan puked all over his notes. "Stop doooing that, you piece of shit!" Stan yelled at himself.

"Oh God," Kyle mumbled to himself, pinching his brow.

Kenny began to add to the conversation, but no one really understood what he was saying, due to the fact it was muffled through his hood.

"Can I teach a class without all this drama?" Mr. Garrison bickered, seating himself at his desk.

"So, Mr. Garrison-"Eric started, before getting interrupted by his teacher.

"Just go see the nurse! I don't give a fuck right now!" Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes.

"Thanks, Mr. Garrison!" Eric said with false glee. He then dashed out the door, trying to move as swiftly as possible.

"Why'd they have to promote me to teaching fifth grade?" Mr. Garrison spat to himself before continuing his lesson.

"Well, you seem perfectly healthy to me," Nurse Gollum said, smiling at the overweight boy.

"No, there has to be something wrong with me!" Eric whined.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well…" Eric hesitated, trying to find the right words for his story. "Let's just say that I'm having these fucked up dreams that make no sense."

"Sounds like something that Mr. Mackey can help you with," Nurse Gollum explained, rolling her eyes.

"Fine, whatevah! Don't help me with my illness, then!" Eric barked, stomping out of the room.

"That boy has serious problems," Nurse Gollum sighed.

"So, um, Eric, why have you come here today? Don't be shy, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey began, folding his hands on his desk.

"I have a God damn illness, and Nurse Gollum doesn't believe me!" Eric bickered with rage, clenching his fists tightly.

"Well, what kind of illness do you have?" Mr. Mackey continued, creating his own theory as to what is going on.

With a heavy sigh, the chunky boy shut his eyes, attempting to calm himself. He took another deep breath, opened his eyes, and decided he could now speak. "Well, after much thought, I believe that I have caught a serious disease called faggotitus," Eric explained with much forced intelligence in his voice.

"Eric, you do realize that faggotitus isn't a real disease, right?"

"Tch, what do you know?" Eric spat, a bit insulted. He knew what he was talking about! Faggotitus had to be a disease; it explained everything, and that didn't just include himself! "Faggotitus is a real disease, Mr. Mackey! It has infected my tiny brain, just as it did to Stephen Stotch."

"You mean to say that Butters' father has faggotitus?" Mr. Mackey questioned, eyeing Eric carefully.

"Well, he was infected by the disease. But now he's cured. I'm sure if you ask the Stotch's, they can tell you about his…" Eric paused for a moment, shifting his eyes back and forth, then bringing his voice to a whisper, "…bi-curiosity".

"Eric, are you trying to say that you're having homosexual dreams?"

"Well, duh! A straight man having gay dreams is a sign of faggotitus!"

"Well, listen to what I think is going on, m'kay? I think that your body is trying to express your feelings for someone through your dreams, m'kay? And since you didn't expect it to be a guy, m'kay, you're blaming it on a fake disease. You see what I'm saying, Eric?" Mr. Mackey brought his folded hands up, resting his chin upon them. He was sure his theory was right, as Eric Cartman never seemed like the type to accept certain factors of himself, such as being gay.

"I think you and Nurse Gollum are both assholes that don't want to find a cure to my faggotitus!" Eric yelled, jumping out of his seat. "Fuck you assholes! I'm gonna find my own cure!" With that said, he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

An eerie silence filled the air, as Mr. Mackey stared at the empty room in front of him."I think I better call Mrs. Cartman," Mr. Mackey concluded.

This is the first time I've ever written a story like this before, guys! Please tell me how I did and tell me how I can improve! It's very difficult to write about something you've never experienced, and probably never will (I am a girl, after all!) so please give me your input! Thanks!