Chapter One

The Seventeenth Annual Business in the Workplace Seminar

The rumble of music became thunderous as Michael pranced from the hallway into the office. He held a boombox under his arm, and wore blue blocker sunglasses over his eyes. Dwight followed closely behind, tossing confetti against the walls with a death glare.

"Oh yeah!" Michael shouted over Handbags and Gladrags. "Who's pumped for the Seventeenth Annual Business in the Workplace Seminar?"

Pam

"Every two to three months Michael has his Annual Business in the Workplace Seminar. It pretty much means he lectures us all day. You might not think anyone here would be into that, but we actually all are." She paused. "There's endless pizza and soda if you go, and you don't have to work. So I'd normally be happy for this, but, in case you couldn't tell from the puffy eyes and pale face, I have a really bad cold."

"Leave all phones at your desk!" Dwight ordered as Michael entered the conference room. "For today, all attention must be given to Michael. Also, I will be closing all the blinds on the windows and locking the door. So for those of you who have spent your whole lives coddling your bladders, I suggest you visit the bathroom now."

Dwight

"Why am I locking the door and closing the blinds? Simple. On Friday of last week I received a message in my inbox. It said that I had to forward it to twenty other people, or else Attila the Hun would rip my heart out of my nose. Of course, I immediately sent the message to two hundred people. However, there is a catch. Today, I must perform ritualistic sacrifices, or else everything I have already done will be ignored. Unfortunately, I don't know what the ritualistic sacrifices are, so it is my solemn duty to protect this company from the brutal conquerer who would compromise security."

Dwight stood outside the conference room door, forcing each employee to sign a sheet as they shuffled in.

"What is this?" Jim asked when his turn came.

"It's a contract stating that you will stay for the whole time, and not tamper with the blinds."

"Oh, didn't I have to sign one of those when I applied here?"

"No."

"So, it's not necessary for me to sign it now."

"No. The sheets you signed when you first got this job allowed you to work here. This is extra-curricular."

"Well, it's work-related."

"Just sign it," Dwight growled.

Jim signed and walked in.

Michael stood at the front of the room. "Okay, everyone here? Good. Today, to start off our seminar, we will be talking about the Ten Biggest Business Blunders." He turned around, took a marker from the whiteboard easel, and wrote '10 Biggest Business Blonders'. He made a column of numbers one through ten and turned back to his workers. "Okay, so brainstorm, what are some of the biggest mistakes any of you have made since our last session. Or in your career."

"I never make mistakes," Dwight said as he closed the door and took a seat with everyone else.

"He's right," Jim commented. "I've been waiting to see him make any sort of error since I started working here. He is infallible."

"Thank you," Dwight said, not turning to Jim, who sat in one of the middle rows. "Finally, something constructive coming out of your mouth."

"I thought he was going to screw up once," Jim continued. "When he sneezed on a sales call. Luckily, he dodged a bullet by blatantly stating that he rejected the client's 'God bless you'."

"That was to show I don't depend on superstition. A real man makes his own superstition."

"Okay, that's a good one," Michael said. "'Believing in God,' business blunder number one." He wrote it on the board.

Angela raised a hand, and Michael called on her when he turned back. "Condemning your business to hell through irreverence," she said coldly.

"That's sort've in conflict with number one," Ryan said.

"Good point, Ryan," Michael said. "Any other suggestions?"

No one spoke.

"Okay, fine, then I'll have to get the ball rolling again. Um, let's see... Toby!" He gestured to Toby, sitting in the back row. "He is a living blunder." Michael turned around and wrote, 'Toby's existence,' under number two.

Toby

"I'm not really that offended. Last session he made a list of the 'Top Ten Hugest Failures,' and I made the list. Three times. The session before that was a pedophile list. I actually only made that one twice.

"Hey, Jim, Karen, what are you two up to?" Michael asked, hours after the completion of the blunder list.

Jim sat next to Karen, a binder propped up half on his leg and half on hers. He looked up. "Just taking notes."

Jim

"Karen and I are playing a game called Extreme Tic-Tac-Toe. I know what you're thinking, 'Jim, how could you possibly make Tic-Tac-Toe more exciting than it already is?' Well, we have a ten-by-ten board, instead of three-by-three and... actually, the rules just get more complicated from there, so let's just leave it at this: it's slightly better than listening to Michael for eight hours."

A rap on the door drew Michael's attention away from the index cards he read off of. He unlocked and opened the door. A teenaged boy with a considerable stack of pizza boxes in his arms stood in the doorway. "Twelve sheets from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe," he said dully.

"Great," Michael said, "just come to my office for the dough." He smiled boldly at the kid. "You know, dough, a word for money and it's also..."

"I'm done for today after this, so I just want to–"

"Okay, okay, be quiet." Michael said. The boy took a step back so that Michael could make his way to his office. He walked behind his desk while the boy stood in front of it.

"You know," the boy said, "it's practically a blizzard out there. It looks like a lot of businesses will be closing early today. You probably should keep that in mind."

Michael waved one hand and gave the boy money with the other. "Nonsense. I'd have a riot on my hands if I tried to end this seminar early. Gotta keep the morale up, you know?"

The boy shrugged and left.

Michael

"Am I concerned that there's a blizzard outside? Allow me to answer that question with another question. When was the last time a little snow hurt anyone? Do you think in Alaska they freak out every time there's snow? Of course not. They're always prepared. They have snowmobiles and snowshoes. And ride polar bears. So, no, it's no reason to stop my seminar."

Hours later, Michael started a rehearsed skit with Dwight. Stanley looked at his watch. "Well, it's five o'clock. I'm heading home."

He stood up and made his way to the door.

"I'll unlock it for you," Dwight said, cutting Michael off mid-sentence.

Everyone else got up, despite Michael's begs for them to stay and see the rest of the show. Meredith opened one of the window blinds. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed.

"What is it, Meredith?" Kelly asked. She stood in the doorway and pulled Ryan back in with her.

"There's like, twenty feet of snow in the parking lot."

"How can you tell?" Ryan asked. "It's snowing so hard it's like a white mist."

"Can you see any of our cars?" Meredith asked.

Ryan squinted. "Oh... no."

Kevin burst back into the room, slamming the door into the wall in the process. "Guys, we're snowed in!"

Next Chapter: Dwight has food saved around the office. But only enough for eight people. Who will make the cut?

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