Okay so here's the naughty fic. Posting it to make myself feel better and hope it does the job cause I'm seriously stuck in a rut. Features some artifact induced…bodily changes much to Claudia's displeasure. Don't read if it's not your thing, and totally NSFW. Set during the same time as You Can't Unring A Bell, 10 years after Innkeeper's.

oxoxo

Leena didn't think she remembered a time when she'd broken into the Warehouse. She hadn't fully remembered the MacPherson fiasco due to the pearl of wisdom's hold on her and if she had, even this seemed a little crazier. But here she was, clutching her wife's hand at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday night, walking briskly through the aisles until they got to the fertility aisle, a two minute walk from where they left the bioelectric Stagecoach. "This is completely crazy." Leena hushed with a rebellious giggle.

Claudia rolled her eyes at how excited the woman was and audibly gulped. "Okay…okay, so… How do you wanna do this?"

"Well which one did Myka and Helena use?" They stared at the shelves, each artifact standing…erect and proud.

"I dunno!" Claudia winced, "I'm not using the same thing H.G used.. .ew…ew, no."

"But we know it's saf-"

"Leena, no." the caretaker shuddered and turned to pace. "I am not using some sex toy that H.G used. That's final." Leena growled at her but let it go. "Okay, so we want to do this together, right? Which means…" She looked at each artifact and read the warnings. "Oh god… Leena, can we do this?"

The other woman pulled Claudia by the hand and trapped her, arms wrapped around the shorter woman's waist. "Are you having second thoughts?"

"I'm thinking…I'm thinking…" Claudia's breath fluttered erratically, "what if we use one of these and I get a penis overnight. What happens then?"

"Then…" Leena cleared her throat, not expecting the frank answer. "Well, we'll deal and deactivate it." She bent down and pressed a slow kiss to Claudia's lips. The kiss grew and Claudia had to pull back with a gasp, feeling a strange surge of energy beckon her to the shelf.

"Fuck…"

"What is it?" Leena frowned.

"This one," Claudia picked up a piece of paper with some hieroglyphs on it, and tried to read the name. "I dunno what it says… What is tha— Oh my god," Claudia took hold of Leena's hand and gripped hard. She felt like her skin was being ripped in two and groaned out in pain, wailing when Leena's arms wrapped around her in terror.

"Claud? Claudia?" She took the hieroglyphic papyrus but Claudia shook her head and hissed out.

"Don't read it!" She panted, "what ever you do, please don't read it." She pulled awkwardly at her jeans and shook her head. The pain had gone, and was now overwhelmed with intense arousal. "Party in my pants has a totally new meaning right now."

Leena's eyes wide and looked down, then hastily looked back up at the digital tag. "Min, Ancient Egyptian god of reproduction. Papyrus reed found in a temple in…Oh…"

"Let me guess," Claudia snarked. "He has a penis," she pulled at her jeans again finding it all too tight. "Leena…we need to go home." Claudia grit her teeth. "Oh my god, we need to go home."

"Home," Leena licked her lips and nodded, searching through the tag for anything scary. "Home," she said again, finally and pulled Claudia by the hand as they walked off to find the bioelectric vehicle. Within 15 minutes, they were back home. The journey home had been pure torture for Claudia who had to pull down her trousers slightly to relieve the pressure. She hadn't looked down until the last leg of the journey. She couldn't. But now, curiosity won out and the fear she'd felt had dissipated slightly. "Yep." Claudia sighed and covered her eyes with a hand.

"What?" Leena had frowned, eyes on the road.

"I have a… a happy stick." Claudia had blurted, trying to keep her hands away from her crotch.

When they were safe in the confines of their own home, Claudia dashed up the stairs, both hands pulling at the belt loops of her trousers until she was in the safety of their room. She pulled on the zipper and slipped her pants down furiously. There it was. Her eyes widened. Wait, was she a he? Did this make her a he? Please tell me it doesn't make me a he. She jumped under the bedcovers with haste and watched as Leena cautiously entered the bedroom, a purple glove on her hand. She took the papyrus paper and put it in the bedside table, closing the drawer slowly. "You okay?" She put a static bag on top of the drawer, ready for when they had… finished whatever they were going to do.

Claudia pulled up the sheet, looked down and shook her head. "Leena…" The worst thing was, she was completely turned on. And pretty well hung. And that was completely wrong. Fascinating, but wrong. Leena slipped into bed, slowly removing her clothes until her bra was flung over the edge of the bed.

"This is crazy…" Claudia began to chuckle, covering her mouth and eyes.

Leena pursed her lips and nodded nervously. "I feel like…"

"It's our first time?" Claudia watched Leena's relieved smile. "Kinda is," she smirked and lay back. "Oh man…"

They both blew awkward sighs and stared at the ceiling for at least a minute. "Can you just kiss me?" Leena asked quietly after the silence had gotten too excruciating. Claudia's eyes closed in relief and she nodded, hovering over her wife until she gently pecked at her lips. "That's better," Leena hummed and kissed the woman back, curling her hands behind her wife's head and pulling her on top. Two astonished hazel eyes snapped open when she felt stiffness against her lower belly. "Wow," she broke away with a gasp.

"This is so embarrassing." Claudia whined, unable to stop the rock of her hips, thrusting gently against the other woman's abdomen. She couldn't help but grin though, when Leena's bucked up to meet hers.

"Just pretend it's the strap-on," Leena touched Claudia's lips with a finger, then with her own, teasing her wife gently with her tongue when the agent parted her lips. The sounds of heavy breathing filled the room, Leena reaching up to wrap her hands in her wife's hair. "I don't care what you think, this is the hottest thing ever," she husked and reached down, slipping her hands into Claudia's briefs until she felt the hardness. Both women stopped still, then, after a few settling breaths, Leena rubbed the shaft gently, watching Claudia's eyes close in pleasure.

"It's just us, nobody else…" Leena whispered, a hand rubbing gently around her wife's shoulders, down to her breasts while the other worked on the cock. "Nobody else. No crazy artifact energy, it's harmless. You know I can tell these things. Please, Claudia…"

Claudia snapped out of her funk and reached down, sitting up in bed until she was able to remove her underwear. "I… uhh, I dunno how fast I'm gonna be."

Leena began to laugh, and let Claudia lift her up slightly to remove her panties. "Don't care."

"Using me for my man-juice?" Claudia's eyebrow lifted, then she heard what she said and wrinkled her nose.

"C'mere," Leena whispered and pulled the woman down so that their lips met. Claudia's hand snuck down between them as they kissed, and she slowly ran her fingers up and down Leena's cleft.

The woman moaned and arched her back, widening her legs for more. Using as much lubrication as she could gather in her fingers, she fingered lightly at the firm clit and continued to kiss her until she heard a long moan. "Ready?" Claudia gasped, pressing lightly at her wife's entrance.

Leena nodded nervously, biting her lip. She was more than ready, but this was one of the scariest things she'd ever done. Even when she had had affairs with men over thirty years ago, she had always been so careful, always used protection, and yet here she was… no birth control pill, no condom, ovulating and about to have sex with a penis, sure it was her wife's penis (she would never get over that fact) but it was what it was. The fear she felt, however was exhilarating beyond belief. Dark eyes stared down at her, a thumb stroking at her cheek softly. "Honey?" Claudia noted the distraction in Leena's eyes and kissed at her lips roguishly, humping gently against the innkeepers crotch.

"Do it," Leena nodded, the arousal beginning to soar as Claudia stimulated her further. "Please." Claudia grinned and reached down, pressing herself inside.

"Oh fuck…" she gritted her teeth and closed her eyes tightly. "This…this is… oh fuck this is amazing. I mean, I mean I knew it would be awesome… but oh my god. Leena… awesome." She moaned jubilantly, "So awesome, like, more awesome than the stra—" Her mouth was clamped shut by Leena's hand who chuckled with a shake of the head.

"Shut up," Leena gripped the woman's neck tightly and pulled her down for another kiss. "Fuck me."

As she said it, Claudia felt her wife tighten considerably and groaned. Burying her face into her neck, she pulled back her hips and sunk into her. The feeling was sensational. When she heard moans for more, she thrust a little harder and felt a yearning to go faster. "Can I… Need to…"

"Do it," Leena's hips bucked as Claudia's fingers circled at her sex. "Whatever it is, do it," she groaned and clutched the redhead tightly against her chest, gasping out when Claudia lifted her breast with her hand and sucked on her nipple. Claudia's hips pumped faster and faster. Everything from the waist down felt warm, and wet… wonderful even, but it couldn't last. Overcome with sensation, Claudia penetrated her for as long as she possibly could before her head swam suddenly and she collapsed on top of the innkeeper, panting and gasping and feeling as if she were about to faint, orgasmic release completely overwhelming her. Best artifact ever, she thought to herself as her floppy body relaxed further. Slackly, she got up on one arm and used her other hand to reach down between them and bring Leena to a climax. The other woman bit at her shoulder, and clutched at her arms until she spasmed and came silently, still holding her in a death grip. Finally, Claudia felt she was able to relax and had no objective to move or pull out of her wife. Once more, the sound of heavy, slow breathing filled the room until Leena let out a small laugh. Claudia tried to stay neutral but the situation was too farfetched, she couldn't ignore the rumble of laughter that was threatening to leave her chest. She snorted and buried her face into the curly hair, kissing at Leena's neck occasionally and gently thrusting until she found herself too sensitive and she pulled out. Taking a brief look down, she visibly shuddered and faked a gag. "Have you seen the size of this freaking thing? I look like an alien!"

"How is that 'thing' any different from the 'thing' in the underwear drawer?" Leena smirked, her eyes closing. The smirk turned into an adoring smile when Claudia took a pillow and propped it underneath her backside to keep everything in. Just like the internet had said.

"You know… this might not work, right? You know that?" Claudia said quietly. Leena nodded and rubbed at her face, feeling a little silly with her lower half up in the air.

"Claud?"

"Hmm?" Claudia settled down next to her and drew the covers up.

"Did umm…" Leena rolled her eyes, visibly disturbed. "Can't believe I'm about to say this. Did anything, you know… come out, when you… you know?"

Claudia tittered and smooched her cheek. "Something definitely came out." She leaned over and grabbed the purple glove, then opened the drawer and took out the piece of parchment. "Goodbyyye penis," she would have crossed her fingers if she could and threw the artifact into the static bag. A large spark flared around her fingers and she ducked. "Owww!" Zipping up the lock on the bag, she threw the bag on the floor before grabbing herself between her legs. "Frakin' thing zapped my crotch!"

Leena chuckled, stroking her wife's side lazily. Her eyes dropped. "Your very female crotch," she added. Claudia looked down and opened her mouth in shock.

"I'm a girl!" She grinned widely, relief threatening to make her feel like she was about to black out.

"Should I be surprised? Told you this one wasn't dangerous." Leena smiled, feeling strangely tired.

Claudia flopped down on top of her and grinned. "I love you and your crazy aura artifact reading skills."

"Love you and your slightly unorthodox baby-making skills." Leena's eyes gleamed hopefully. She welcomed the kiss that was delivered to her lips and smiled.

Claudia's head rested on her shoulder as they began to wind down. "I hope this works," she murmured.

Leena's hands continued to stroke gently at her back. "Me too… though we can try tomorrow… and the next day."

"Horny freakazoid." Claudia grumbled but added a sly smile for good measure. "Now we know how it works. Any….side effects?" She felt Leena shake her head.

"Looked it over while you were… umm changing." the darker woman smiled. "Think we're good to go. Is it… is it still there? You know… after we snagged."

Claudia cringed, having waited for the question. She dipped her head down and had took a look between Leena's legs, feeling as if she were waiting for a scary monster to jump out at her. Sperm was sperm, it scared the crap out of her, even if it was her own. "Yep," her head flew up and she nodded, wide eyed. "Definitely still there. Oh blegh!" She convulsed dramatically. "That is just…ughhh." she lay down with yet another flop.

"I'm the one with it inside me," Leena rolled her eyes, then rubbed them with a fist before she took the diaphragm out of its packet and reached down to slip it in.

"True," Claudia laughed. "You're sleepy," she kissed her wife's breast.

Leena hummed the affirmative. "You knocked me out."

The caretaker chuckled and pulled up the covers. "You okay to sleep like that?" Leena nodded again and mewled slightly when Claudia moved off of her to lay down on her own side of the bed, one arm wrapping around her middle. "Night, sweetie," Claudia hushed and kissed her wife's shoulder, hearing the deep breathing deepen further. Pulling up the covers when she decided Leena was fully asleep, Claudia took one more look at herself to make sure that she was in fact female. She grinned and moved her hand further down Leena's belly, closing her eyes and daydreaming about what would happen if this worked. They'd be a family. Sure, the Warehouse agents were already a family, but they would actually be a family with a child they could call their own. She blew out a held in breath and smiled, her thumb rubbing slowly just below her wife's belly button, as if trying to coax nature to take its course.

Leena moaned in her sleep and rolled over, her hands pawing at Claudia's chest for a cuddle. She chuckled and rolled onto her back, putting her hand through Leena's hair when the innkeeper nuzzled her shoulder, using it as a pillow. Leena was never that clingy in bed. She usually got overheated and pushed Claudia away, but tonight, obviously she needed comfort. Claudia found herself pinned to the mattress when Leena's thigh draped across the lower half of her body. Claudia whined, realizing there and then she wasn't going to sleep very well tonight. It didn't really matter though, her wife was being snuggly and that was a rarity, so she'd just have to damn well accept it.