A/N: Hey everyone! it's been a while since I last updated a story... that's mostly because I'm in school with a lot of tests x.x and I have no time, also I've been working on a fanfic with Bandgrad2008 called Rant, if you like Jori, you should check it (and all ofher fics).

The reason why I'm updating is because today is BrutalicTragedy (Angel)'s Birthday, and since she introduce me to the Fayana world n.n I think is only fair to write this for her :3 as a birthday present xDD.

That being said. I hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

There is a world I can't access. There is a world completely opposite from mine. It is her world, and there's nothing I can do about it, not now, not ever.

In the beginning all I wanted was power and I resented her with everything I had for taking it away from me, for forcing us to be nothing more than a bunch of amateurs that could do nothing by themselves, not even a little fire. I still kind of hate her for that… she lied, she said it wouldn't affect us, that it would help us control our power… but in the end that was the origin of every problem I had later… How could I not be angry at her? But that does not compare to what I really feel inside.

Because who would have thought that starting a little fire, that tasting a little borrowed power could be so problematic? That would take everything away from me… that would take the control from me… I certainly didn't think about it, or maybe I did and I just didn't care. And that was just the beginning of it.

I just didn't know how she could handle it. How was it that it didn't even seem to be a problem for her, that she doesn't care about what we lost? I despise the fact that she just smiled and acted like she was in control of everything, when everything I longed for was the power to burn me, to control me from the inside… No, I wish I hadn't wished that at all.

It was also the reason why I envy Cassie so much. Well… one of the reasons. She has more power she can control… and more than she wants. Why couldn't I get that instead? Anyway I don't really envy what happened to her after that. She has all the boys' attention, not that I want any of them, Jake is past and God knows Adam makes me puke; I can't take his nauseating personality and his weird kid's face. Not my style.

What really annoys me is that being so dangerously powerful, she still gets everyone's attention, everyone's forgiveness. Diana still stands beside her, no matter what she does, but not beside me… She wouldn't even ask what's going on with me. I am the monster, right? And then they wonder why I am where I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I hate her because I love her… or if I love her because I hate her. Does it make a difference at all? I can't even remember what came first. Just that she always made me feel so frustrated about everything, telling me what to do and what not to do; shoving in my face how happy she was with Adam, their eternal relationship… that just frustrated me even more. I'll never have what they had… because I'll never have the one I really want.

My power was useless, not mine anymore. I just wanted to have fun and forget about the way I felt inside. It didn't really work out. And after she forced us to bind the circle, leaving us powerless made it almost unbearable, I needed to do something to forget… to feel something different from despair.

It didn't work. At first, I could count on Melissa to help me out to do… well, whatever I wanted to do. She would join me and experiment with magic, or help me torment Cassie or whoever's turn it was at that time; but not after Nick's death. Nothing was ever the same after he died, not for anyone, especially not for her. She was in love with the guy. I don't really understand it though. He would have never been a choice for me, but for her he was the sun and all the stars.

She bailed out on me, and I couldn't even say a thing about it. I had to understand her, right? That's what a friend has to do… but come on, she didn't die, it was him, and there was no reason for her to put a stop on her life too! Okay, even I know that is a mean thing to think, but I can't help it. That's just the way I feel, the way I think about things. I'm practical about life; there's things you can do, others you can't do. If you can't help it, there's nothing you can do about it, so regretting and complaining about it just makes it worst. On the other hand, if you can do something about it, even if it may screw other people over but it may make you happy, I feel obligated to do it. I guess that's what has been taking me to where I am, that's the reason why everyone thinks shit about me, even the few I care about because I do care about some of them.

People may think I'm cruel, mean, etc., just because I'm not false like everybody else. They can think whatever they want to think about me because I couldn't care less. I'm just honest. I don't pretend to care about things I don't…It's completely the opposite; sometimes I pretend I don't care about things that I do. The truth is that if everyone knew about the things I care about, if they knew what I really feel inside, they would destroy me, whether they want to do it or not. And I can't let that happen. I just can't.

I'm scared to care… to feel… and lose. Because that's inevitably what always happens, and I can't allow that pain. What if they knew about Diana? Or worse, what if Diana finds out about it? She is all perfect and correct about everything… Oh how I hate the way she is; it makes me want to punch her… and other things…

It's almost funny how happy I felt for a second when Diana broke up with Adam… I literally almost went to Cassie's house and thanked her for helping destroy the "it couple". I thought Cassie would run to Adam's arms, but she couldn't. Why would she do what made her happy? And help me in the process… no, she wouldn't… She needed to be loyal to Diana and to also start fooling around with Jake. The girl can't make up her mind about anything.

Well, not that it really meant something for me. I wasn't even an inch closer to Diana than I was before; the only thing that made me happy was that Adam wasn't really in Diana's picture anymore. Seeing Adam all the time next to her really bugged me.

I think I started rambling. I lost direction, and I can't help it. I can't really focus on anything anymore. My brain jumps from one thought to the next one, and Diana is always in the middle of everything, but every time I see her, all I can do is to yell at her and let her know how annoying she is to me. It's the truth, but not all the truth. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell her, to show her all the truth. No… I just know I can't.

"You are really inconsequent, you know that?" All of a sudden I hear Lee's voice from far away and it takes me back to reality.

"What the fuck do you mean, Lee?" I say, looking at him as pissed off as I can.

"You are, you always talk a good game about taking what you want, but you run away and hide in the power just because you're just as scared as everyone else." What the hell is he talking about? I haven't given him permission to talk shit about me.

"And from what do you get that enlightening info about me, oh know-it-all?" Sarcasm is all I can taste, and he is lucky I don't feel like making him suffer… yet. In the end, he has helped me… even if it is to just… lose myself.

"You talk a lot when you're high," he says and stands, walking to the window and opening the curtains. The light makes my eyes burn, and I realize I don't really remember when it stopped being night. Days are a blur for me lately.

"What? You mean that I was… talking?" He just nods. His face shows resentment and determination… he is something between a little kid and a teenager in love… which makes him really easy to read. Shit… did I just say out loud some of the things I was thinking about?

"And what do you expect me to do?" I ask, since it seems like he just knows everything. Let's see what his brilliant idea is.

"Act on what you feel, Faye, do whatever you want to do. Isn't that what you always do?" he says… and maybe, just maybe, it is what I should have done from the beginning.

A/N: I hope you guys liked it. comments would be awesome, no matter what xD tell me what you think n.n