Holding On and Letting Go – Stelena

Takes place in the Stelena scene in 3x11

"I don't really care what you think about me anymore..."

Elena watched Stefan walk back to his car and drive away. How could he... Standing here on the bridge where her parents died, where he threatened to end her human life just moments ago. Where was the Stefan she knew and loved, why was he doing all this when she was here fighting, fighting for so long?

Seeing Stefan walk away from her again for...how many times was this now? But saying what he said before getting in his car, his voice cracked, it almost broke... The way he looked at her for that single moment told her everything she needed to know. He was still in there somewhere beneath all the mess. She couldn't give up, not now. She thought maybe when Damon kissed her she could finally, maybe let him go; like she told Damon they could. She was wrong, it's still Stefan, it had always been Stefan...

Flashback

"You know... I was wondering when you were going to give up" Stefan said as he sat in front of her, bleeding, broken.

"I haven't given up Stefan, I still have hope. But there is nothing that I can do until you get yours back..." She stepped towards him, taking his face in her hands, making him face her.

"Hey, you can break through this Stefan. Fight for it, feel something, anything Stefan because if you don't, you're going to lose me forever. I won't love a ghost for t he rest of my life."

Why can't you ever see... what's in front of you...

"I'm not going to be able to stop..." Stefan warned her.

"I don't believe that. You can fight it; you just have to want it bad enough!" She told him, searching for the part of him that cared.

"Why? Because I love you?"

"Yeah, that's right Stefan because you love me! You'll fight because after everything we've been through you owe me that!" She could see the guilt in his eyes as he looked at her. She could see everything he was struggling to hold on to.

"You know what you're right, you're right. I owe you everything...because through all of this, you are the one thing that has kept me from giving up, from turning it all off. But I can't help what I am Elena. The more blood that I get the more I want it, and if I get so much as near yours... You are dead. " She could see the seriousness in his eyes, the death glare as he looked at her and this time she didn't know what to do.

"Elena you're going to have to run." Stefan was panting now, like a wild animal going after prey. He was hunched over, trying to fight his urge for her blood.

"But Klaus said if I run..."

"I know what he said, but if you stay it won't matter. Elena please, please! There's no other way." Stefan dropped to the gym floor, begging.

"There is another way Stefan, for you to fight!" Just then the buzzer rang at zero. She quickly looked at the clock then back to Stefan, who was on the ground. She had to do this; she had to get through to him.

"Stefan! I love you. Fight, don't give up!" She was pleading with him now.

"I can't hold it" He moved towards her so fast he looked like a blur as he smacked into the bleachers behind her. "ELENA RUN! GO!" Stefan yelled at her. She started to run, leaving him behind. She ran out of the gym into the hallway, hearing him follow after her. Stefan was screaming to try and stop himself, but she couldn't look back. She ran into another hallway, passed through a set of doors... right into Klaus.

"We got to stop meeting like this" Klaus smirked at her.

Klaus took her by the arm firmly and dragged her into the cafeteria, only to find Stefan trying to end his life by staking himself with and end of a broken broom. Stefan turned to face them as he jammed the stick into his stomach.

"Now this is very fascinating, I've never seen this before. The only this stronger than your craving for blood is your love for this one girl..." Klaus said to Stefan. She stood beside Klaus, unable to get away from his grip.

She could see Stefan hurting, having an internal war between who he really was and the Stefan Klaus was compelling him to be. Klaus let go of Elena and stepped towards Stefan.

"Turn it off." Klaus spoke to Stefan.

"No." Stefan answered back.

"Come on! Your humanity is killing you! All the guilt must be exhausting, turn it off." He bargained with Stefan. "Stefan..." Elena tried to speak to him.

"You're strong but you're not that strong" Klaus said as he walked over to him and ripped the stick from Stefan's chest. Stefan stood up right to Klaus who was in his face, daring Stefan to defy him again.

"Turn. It. Off." Klaus said forcefully.

"NO!" Stefan fought back as he pushed Klaus away, fighting for Elena.

You're losing your memory now...

Give me these moments back...

"Stefan I love you."

"You are the woman that I love..."

"Don't walk away Stefan!"

"If it were my choice, I'd want to be with you forever"

"I can't give up on you Stefan."

"I met a girl, it was epic."

"I can't lose the way I feel about you..."

"I know who you really are... better than anyone Stefan."

"You also made a choice to stop."

"I'm so terrified that one day I'm not going to want to fight that anymore Elena."

"Do you ever think about us? About what our future will be like? Our memories."

"I know that I love you Stefan, I know that."

"I came back to this town to start a life with you; we can't forget to live it."

"It's you and me Stefan, always..."

...Give them back to me.

Elena stood there on the bridge, looking at the river, reliving some of the best moments she and Stefan ever shared together. She couldn't let him go, no matter what came at them, what person stood in their way; she would always find her way back to him. They were Stefan and Elena and they loved each other with a love so great that she honestly believed it could survive anything, even this.

Elena turned her head to the side to face the bright lights of a car speeding her way. Damon got out of the car and ran over to her, clutching on to her with fear she was hurt. He was trying to search her eyes for anything to tell him she was alright, but in reality she would never be alright unless she was with Stefan.

"I'm okay Damon, he stopped the car." Elena said to Damon, taking a step away from his grasp. She needed to break it to him that she could never return the feelings he felt towards her, and she knew it would break his heart.

"What are you thinking Elena? What did Stefan say to you?" Damon said to her, letting her take space from him, like she had always done.

"He didn't say much..." She told him, looking towards the ground. She crossed her arms, partly from the cool breeze and her need to contain herself from all the feelings and thoughts running through her body.

"Then what is it you're trying so hard not to say Elena" Damon looked at her with his usual piercing eyes. Elena lifted her head to meet his gaze, now was the time.

"Damon... The kiss between us, it never should have happened. I'm sorry I let it happen, and I didn't talk to you about it until now. But I didn't know what to tell you until now, until this situation happened." She felt terrible. Despite not loving Damon like he loved her didn't mean he wasn't important to her, because he was. He had been her rock through the past couple of months, and had helped her in so many ways, but this needed to be done.

"Elena, Stefan's not coming back... It's over. Don't hold onto something that's clearly no longer there. I know you feel something for me, stop fighting it." Damon was clearly trying hard not to be angry with her but he was wrong, as he usually was about so many things.

"Damon, you're wrong. You have been so strong for me these past few months and done things for me that I appreciate so much, but I don't love you..." Elena tried to reach out her hand to Damon and comfort him in the best way she could. Damon instantly took a step back from her, which she expected.

"Seriously Elena? All these months we've searched for Stefan to bring him back only to finally find him and for him to tell you he doesn't want to come home and be with you! Why, you have to tell me why after all the things he's said and done you still hold onto him?" Damon was yelling at her now, but she knew exactly what to say to him.

"Because it's Stefan, it's always going to be Stefan... Despite the things he's done and the path he's on right now, I know he still loves me. After I got out of the car and before he left he looked at me for a moment and I realized what I've always known, he's still in there, he still cares." She was on the verge of tears now, but she would fight to hold it together in front of Damon.

Damon stood there in front of her, shocked, hurt... Then she saw his gaze go from her to the road and woods behind her, something caught his eye. Elena turned around to see what he was looking at, when she noticed a familiar red car speeding back down the road where it had just left moments ago. The car came to a stop a few feet away from where they were standing, when Stefan got out of the car and stood waiting for whatever was happening between her and Damon to be finished.

"I guess I'll let you do what you need to do then Elena... Do you want me to wait for you, to take you home after?" Damon asked defeated.

"No Damon, I'll be okay. If I need I'll call Matt to get me or something." Elena felt horrible, again but there was no other way this could have gone for them. It was the end of the road for any relationship they could have had.

Damon nodded his head in acceptance and looked past her at Stefan with hurt, hate and defeat then turned and got in his car and left the two of them standing alone in the middle of the road. Elena turned towards Stefan, who hadn't moved an inch away from his car. She walked slowly towards his car, leaving as much space as she could between them, which wasn't very much.

"What are you doing back here Stefan?" She so desperately wanted to reach out and touch his face, like she had done a million times before. She was running on instinct now, no plan.

"I... I just had to make sure you weren't still here alone, that you were okay..." Stefan was trying to say casually to her but she knew better than that. Stefan came because he couldn't live with himself if she wasn't okay.

"I thought you didn't care about me anymore Stefan..." Elena knew better than to say that but she need to push him, push his boundaries he was trying so hard to stay within. She saw his body shift slightly, little movements to let her know his body was always going to be his weakness.

"Elena, don't take this gesture too far. I was doing it because even though we're not together and I could care less, I still wouldn't want you to be without help." Stefan could barely meet her eyes; he was trying everything not to look at her. She knew he was lying, telling her things to make her hate him; but that would never happen.

"I don't believe you Stefan... You came back because you care about me, you are fighting with everything you have to turn it off but you and I both know you could never turn your love for me off. Our love doesn't just turn off and go away, you know that, we've tried to do it before and it never worked then and it's not working now..."

The look Elena saw on Stefan's face let her know that he clearly was shocked; shocked that he could be read so easily by her. Elena had to make him see their love was still there, still alive and she was willing to fight for it, for him.

Stefan looked at Elena, his eyes full of guilt, hurt and longing. All Elena wanted to do was kiss away his pain like she had so many times before, right then and there, standing in the middle of the road.

"Tell me how this is going to work between us Elena? The things I've done... it's not fair to you to live your life with me trying to pull myself together." Stefan asked her, warned her.

"It's going to work because I love you Stefan and you love me, we don't need anything else. The things you did, are doing now is because you always cared. You fought back against Klaus and now you're willing to take away his happiness like he took yours."

Elena knew things were already heading in a better direction, he was letting her in again, and questioning if this could work again. She could see him weighing his options and thoughts in his mind about what he should do now. Elena had to say one more thing to him before he made up his mind about anything, he needed to know...

"Before you make any decisions about me or us Stefan, there's something I have to tell you..." She knew telling him could ruin everything they had, everything they built, this whole moment. But she had to be honest with Stefan, no secrets.

"What Elena?" Stefan looked at her concerned. He clearly knew it was something bad, he always knew how to read her perfectly.

"Damon and I... We kissed last night. I'm so sorry Stefan! Before you came back that's what we were talking about." Elena felt so much pain in her heart right now. How could she have let this happen between them? She knew what happened with Katherine, she knew better than to get involved with Damon.

Stefan stared at her, clearly taken back by what she just told him. Tears began to form in her eyes; she had never felt so bad and so disappointed in herself.

"I...I'm not mad at you Elena..." Stefan finally got out.

"How can you not be mad at me Stefan? How can you not hate me for this?" Elena was surprised by his answer.

"I caused this Elena. If I had just come to you after I saved Klaus, none of this would have happened. If you want Damon, then I promise you Elena I'll try to be happy for you. He's been taking better care of you that I have lately..." Stefan's face was pained as he spoke to her.

Even now he still blamed himself for her mistake. It made Elena love him even more, if that was possible. She knew he didn't deserve what he was saying to her, she didn't deserve his kindness now...

"I don't want to be with Damon, I want you Stefan... That's why Damon was so upset when you showed up. It's always been you Stefan, no matter what." Elena sobbed.

Stefan lessened the gap between them, pulling Elena's face to meet his lips. This is what they were always fighting for, this moment, this love. Stefan pulled back after a few moments and whispered into her ear,

"I'll always hold onto that..."

Crazy or not, that kind of love never dies.

Not too sure how happy I am with this story, but I finished it! OMG 3x12 broke my heart more! I CANT TAKE THIS. Stefan was so hurt... R&R