Written for shaggydog-swap on LiveJournal, prompted by the art by the_limousine entitled "Sunshine". This is what I made of it. I hope you enjoy it!

Sunlight

Summer, 1994

"The problem with sunlight is that it doesn't discriminate. Under the light of the sun there's no hiding – all your flaws are there in plain view, and you can see everything, every little detail. You can see all the ugliness and putrefaction festering away on the surface of your life, and everywhere you went wrong, just sitting there mocking you. Every mistake you've ever made, just sitting there and reflecting the sun. And there's no escaping it all year. In Autumn it lights up the dying leaves, in Winter it blinds you with its reflection in the ice, in Spring it brings out all the insects and in Summer it burns your skin. And all year, every day, it's there to light up your failure. I thought that over a decade of darkness would make me miss the sun, and that I'd be so glad to finally be in light. And being locked in here every day? I thought that would do it. But it hasn't. I'm going absolutely mad and I miss the freedom of going outside, but I don't miss the sun. I'm never going to miss the sun. I hate it."

Autumn, 1976, evening

"I hate the sun," Sirius mumbled, kicking the rocks beneath the surface of the Lake.

I hate it because I wake up the next morning, the "morning after", it's coming in through the windows of the Shack and I'm sweating and probably naked and he looks like he's going to fucking die and there's nothing I can do about it.

James just looked at him, deadpan. "No wonder you're so pale."

"Fuck you," Sirius snapped with a grin.

It was late afternoon, and the low autumn sun was shining down onto the Lake through the trees on the ground and in the Forbidden Forest, casting almost-too-perfect shadows over every ripple. There was a crisp wind blowing intermittently - and to have moments of a breeze, there must be moments of stillness, and when it was still the day was unseasonably hot. Sirius and James sat on one bank, their trousers rolled up and their lower legs submerged in the water.

"But seriously," James said, poking his best friend in the arm, "why d'you hate the sun?"

"It's too bright. Too hot."

"You're such a girl. Real men can take the heat."

Sirius flipped his long hair over his shoulder. "Why, James! You've uncovered my secret! I'm a woman!"

James slapped Sirius on the arm. "Don't be such a tool. You know what I mean."

"You're so uptight this year," Sirius said. "Can't even take a joke. Fucking Evans, man. You've got to stop acting like the sun shines out of her arse. She makes you boring."

"She's my girlfriend," James said snippily.

"She hates you."

"She's still my girlfriend."

"Gentlemen, please!"

Sirius and James turned around at the rebuke to see Remus plonking himself behind them on the grass. Peter was following close behind.

"Hey Moony," Sirius said, bending his neck backwards and regarding the world upside-down, "how was your detention?"

"Horrible," Remus said, rolling up his sleeves as Peter sat down next to him. "Slughorn made me write I will not cause another cauldron to explode until my fingers bled and I could hear my ancestors weeping in the background noise of my boredom-induced haze."

There were a few moments of silence, before all four of them burst out laughing.

"Oh Merlin," James said after recovering a normal breathing pattern, "and on the night of the full moon too."

"Don't remind me," Remus grumbled.

"Hey," Peter cut in, "aren't you going to ask how my detention was?"

"Nope," James joked.

"My problems are more important than yours!" Remus shouted, throwing himself forward and sticking his hands into the lake. He scooped up some water and splashed his face. "Anyway," he added with a mouth full of water, "what were you guys arguing about before?"

"Padfoot still doesn't like Evans. And he hates the sun," James said. "Merlin only knows why."

And the debate rose again, much like the sun does every morning.

"I don't like the sun," Peter said, "but I don't hate it."

"I rather enjoy the sun," Remus said with a shrug.

I love it when I wake up the "morning after" and the sun's coming in through the windows and it's warm and the night is over, and I'm still alive, and he's sitting there watching me with all that hair reflecting the light.

"Well, I don't," Sirius said, "and that's that, end of the matter. Now. We need to sneak down to Honeyduke's to stock up for tonight."

"No we don't," Peter countered, grinning wickedly. "There's going to be chocolate pudding tonight, and my friends the kitchen Elves were more than happy to set aside a few blocks for me."

"Haha!" Sirius grinned and slapped Peter on the back. "On-the-beat Pete! This is why I let you keep him," he added to James.

Peter smiled smugly. "I've got it under my bed. I'll run and get it before we go out tonight."

"How about now?" Remus suggested. "It's getting dark. I can feel an attack of the furries coming on."

And I hate it when the sun goes down, because every night I see the moon, and it's like a knife through my heart.

"Alright," Peter said, hoisting himself up. "Anyone coming?"

"I'll come," Remus said, "I need to change into my moon clothes anyway."

They headed off, talking animatedly about how they were going to ravish the chocolate the moment they found it. Normal teenage boys talk about ravishing beautiful girls. Peter and Remus talk about ravishing chocolate.

"You should tell him," James said.

"Tell who what now?"

"Tell Moony that you want to shag him senseless. You're undersexed and you're taking it out on me and Evans."

"Am not! You know I've always disapproved of her. She's no fun."

"And you're avoiding the question."

"I should never have told you that I fancy him."

"You most certainly should have told me," James said with a strong air of self-importance. "I'm your best mate! But more importantly, you should tell him."

"It's just a stupid crush," Sirius mumbled, kicking at the rocks again. "I'll get over it soon enough."

"Liar."

Sirius decided that the best thing he could do now was to ignore James. It was for the good of his sanity. He flopped backwards, lying down on the grass and waiting for the sun to set.

Autumn, 1976, morning

It was always concerning when he woke up in the Hospital Wing with no memory of the night before. That meant that he'd been passed out in the Shack, which meant that it had been a worse night than usual.

It also meant that he didn't see the sun. He would often find himself waking up mid-morning, while the others were collapsed in a pile of sweat and exhaustion, and just looking at the sunlight. It was the morning, and he was still alive, and he had a whole month of normality ahead of him.

Every time I wonder, which will be the moon that kills me?

Remus sat up slowly, his bones cracking, and rubbed his eyes, the details around him resolving themselves. The blinds were up a bit, and there were small rays of light creeping in, illuminating the dust in the air.

Sirius, James and Peter sat at the edge of his bed. Their faces were still blurring together with the background.

"Morning," Peter said, extending a bar of chocolate. "We brought you a healthy breakfast."

Remus laughed weakly, taking the chocolate and setting it down on his knee. "Why do I feel worse than I did at the last moon?"

"It's your first this school year," James said, "it's usually worse, isn't it?"

"Or maybe it's because the sun is particularly bright this morning," Sirius joked.

It's always worse when the sun is bright. It was so much worse this time. I don't know how he manages.

"We should have a picnic," Remus said. "We've all got the free period just after lunch, don't we?"

The others nodded.

"You ready to head back to the dorms?" James asked. "Only, Lily was going to help me with my Charms essay at breakfast..."

"I guess so," Remus said, picking up the chocolate bar again and swinging one leg over the side of the bed.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!"

Madam Pomfrey looked ready to murder, and Remus silently slipped the chocolate bar under the sheets.

"You're staying here, young man," she said, forcing him back onto the bed. "We've got to wait for your cuts to heal."

"Cuts?"

He looked down, noticing for the first time that his arms were covered in bandages, bloodstained and stinging. He wondered how he hadn't registered this before. He felt like a complete idiot.

"And you three!" she continued, her nostrils flaring. "Always hanging around. Go on, now, back to your dorms."

She bustled away to get fresh bandages, and Sirius stuck up two fingers to her turned back.

"Damn," James. "Well, uh, I don't want to be a dickhead, but I do have a breakfast date with-"

"Go on," Remus said, "sod off."

James fought back a smile. "I'll see you in class, yeah? You'll be fine by then, of course you will."

I'm not sure I believe that, James.

James headed off with a wave, and Peter hopped after him.

"Oh, Remus," Sirius began, "I did have something that I wanted to mention to you."

"Oh?"

"WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?"

Sirius glared at her, before getting up reluctantly. "I'll tell you later."

"Okay," Remus said.

You can't do this! Now I'm curious.

With a sad smile, Sirius turned and left the hospital wing.

Winter, 1976, evening

Occasionally Remus felt like he was the luckiest person on Earth.

Occasionally he said it aloud - usually he was being sarcastic.

It was the day before the Winter Ball, and there were so many reasons for Remus to have genuinely felt like the luckiest person on Earth. He had new dress robes, and two girls - two whole girls - had asked him out.

But when he said, for perhaps the seventieth time, "sometimes I feel like I'm the luckiest person on Earth", he really meant "why does the Winter Ball have to fall the day after a full moon?"

Completely uncalled-for. Sometimes I wonder if Dumbledore does this to me on purpose. Either that or he just never consults a moon chart when he's planning these things.

"Cheer up," James said, dangling over the edge of an armchair in the common room. It was dinner, but as frequently happened (especially around a certain time of the month) the Marauders were taking their meal in the common room. "You'll be fine by then."

"I doubt it," Remus said, feeling particularly self-defeating and hopeless. But then, it was always like that on the day of the full moon.

"So you haven't said yes to either Bonnie or Evangeline, then?" Sirius asked, completely without ulterior motives.

"No," Remus said. "I'll be lying in the Hospital Wing, bleeding all over the sheets."

"Yeah, right," James said, "not if we have anything to do with it. We'll get you down and dancing. With Bonnie and Evangeline."

No, that's fine, I'll just curl up and die and think about the fact that my only fantasy involving dancing is never going to happen ever.

"Have you actually asked Lily yet?" Peter said, throwing an acid pop at James.

"Don't need to. She's my girlfriend, Pete."

"How about you, then?" Peter asked Sirius. "Have you asked anyone?"

Sirius scoffed. "This bird flies solo. I'm keeping away from the girls tomorrow night. I don't need anything to worry about."

"Wanker," James mumbled. Remus just scoffed.

"What about you, Pete?" Sirius asked, deftly shifting the focus away from himself. "Got a lady friend for tomorrow?"

James gave a lewd hoot. "Didn't that Slytherin girl ask you?"

"Jeeeeeniffer?"

"I'm not going to go with her," Peter said, blushing ever so faintly, "she's weird."

"You can't do much better, mate," James said. "She's in your league!"

"Can we please stop talking about the Ball?" Remus cried. He slumped backwards melodramatically.

"Sure," Sirius said, "what do you want to talk about?"

"We should plan for tonight," Remus said. "Have we got all the essentials? Spare clothes? Blankets? Chocolate?"

"I've got the chocolate," James said. "Blankets and clothes are still in my bag upstairs."

"Do we want to head out now?" Sirius asked. "I mean, while everyone's distracted with dinner and that."

"I'll just go and get the supplies," James said.

Within minutes they were ready to go, and they snuck out via the usual route to the Shrieking Shack. They set up the bedroom for after the transformation and then headed down to the living room to wait.

The waiting is the worst part.

"Time to strip, Moony," Sirius said with a suggestive wink, giving Remus a nudge.

"Ha ha," Remus said drily. "It's too cold. I'm thinking I'll just let the wolf rip my clothes off tonight."

"No!" Sirius exclaimed. "I love that sweater!"

"You can have it once it's in tatters," Remus countered.

"Can I have your pants?" James asked, mocking Sirius's accent. "I will sniff them dutifully every evening."

"Don't be crude," Remus muttered.

Oh James, you've got to stop being so close to the truth.

They passed a few minutes in silence, teeth chattering and shivering in time with each other.

"Almost time now," Remus said, pulling his sweater off and discarding it in a corner. He began to unbutton his shirt, and Sirius tried to avert his eyes, somewhat unsuccessfully. James shot him a pointed glare.

Slowly the sun disappeared below the horizon. The four of them watched it in silent anticipation. They were all used to this by now - it wasn't pretty, and it was never going to be pretty, but they'd reached an uneasy agreement with the full moon.

And every second is excruciating.

"Here we go," Remus mumbled as the darkness permeated the Shack. "See you tomorrow."

Winter, 1976, night

If Sirius had turned his music up this loud back at home, his mother would have transfigured his testicles into goblets and used them to serve a curdled dinner of leftovers to the Elves. His ears were ringing, and the whole castle was shaking with the vibrations of the magically-amplified sound system. All Sirius had to compensate for his distrust of silence was his record player and a Pink Floyd LP that had a wicked design on the sleeve, but was actually pretty depressing and made him want to admit himself to St. Mungo's on grounds of insanity.

But still, the music at the Hogwarts Winter Ball was nowhere near as good as Pink Floyd. It was boring. Sirius couldn't even headbang to it. And so he'd been sticking to his promise of going solo, turning down girls all night. Even Odette Bracken, with tits the size of the Giant Squid's eyeballs. He'd even turned her down. Was that healthy?

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Odette dancing with some Hufflepuff boy – her tits were bouncing up and down as she waltzed around, and Sirius took a moment to ask himself why he'd turned her down.

Right. Serious case of wanting to bone Moony. Right.

Speaking of Moony, he would be all alone and bitter in the Hospital Wing. Sirius was perversely glad – this way, he wouldn't be dancing with Bonnie or Evangeline. Both were nice girls, almost too nice, and Remus deserved worse. He deserved Sirius – crude, lewd and rude. If only that could be his family motto. That was way better than that pretentious French bullshit. "Toujours pur". What nonsense. Unless it translated as "always inbred". That would make lots of sense.

Sirius snapped himself out of his momentary reverie – he'd been staring at Odette's tits and his mind had wandered. Trust a neat pair of melons to make him think about his lacking love life.

Why am I still here? If I want him that bad, why aren't I with him?

Before he entirely knew what he was doing, Sirius was running out of the Great Hall and going two-at-a-time up the stairs to the Hospital Wing.

He burst in, skidding dramatically until the friction between his unused dancing shoes and the floor brought him to a halt. Remus was in his usual bed towards the back, and a quick scan told him that Pomfrey wasn't around. Perfect.

"Remus!"

Remus groaned. "Not now, Sirius. I'm reading."

"Fuck it!" Sirius exclaimed gleefully. "I don't give a damn!"

"I hate to break it to you, but my life doesn't revolve around the precise number of damns you give."

Sirius did a pirouette and landed himself on the chair next to Remus's bed.

I only want to dance when I'm around you.

"Come on Moony, I'm here to cheer you up! Well. We're both clearly having a terrible evening, so how about we cheer each other up?"

"Why are you having a terrible evening? You don't have Pomfers coming in every ten minutes to check that you're not having fun."

"Ten minutes? When did she last leave?"

"Ten minutes ago," Remus said without so much as consulting his watch. He grinned somewhat wickedly.

Sirius rolled his eyes at him. "I don't believe you. Anyway, the Ball's dead boring, so she can't make me leave."

Remus gave him a somewhat sceptical look. "I can't ever imagine you being bored at a Ball. What about all the tits-and-teeth asking you to dance?"

"Odette Bracken asked me to dance," Sirius said. "You know, Tits-Like-A-Kraken."

"I'm ever so glad for you."

"I turned her down."

"That's nice."

"Want to know why?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me anyway."

"Because I didn't want to dance with her."

Remus gave Sirius a pointed look. "Sirius, have you danced with anyone tonight?"

"Nope," he said proudly. "I went solo. Remember?"

"I was almost certain you were joking," Remus said, sounding genuinely surprised.

"I was being—"

"Don't make the joke."

"Sorry."

They sat for several moments in a comfortable silence.

"So... if your bones aren't feeling too brittle, how would you feel about getting up and dancing with me?"

Remus shook his head, slumping back further in his bed. Although, Sirius noticed with triumph that he'd closed his book. "I'm not up to dancing. I feel like I spent last night lying under a pile of bricks. Don't you think that I'd be down at the Ball if I could?"

It's funny how you've been refusing to be sociable, while I'd take any opportunity. Something of a role-reversal, really.

"Well then," Sirius said, climbing up on to the bed and shifting Remus aside. "I'll just have to spend the night here with you. Keep you company and all that."

"If you must," Remus mumbled, picking up the book again. Sirius quickly swatted it down, and it slipped through Remus's fingers and clattered onto the floor, spreading out and bending pages. Remus visibly flinched.

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled.

"Get off my bed," Remus snapped.

Sirius put an arm around Remus's shoulder. He was never one to take orders. "I tell you what, I'll get off your bed tomorrow morning. It's been two long since we talked. Just the two of us, you know. No James and his obsession with Evans. No Pete and his... Pete-y-ness. Just us. What d'you say to that?"

I'd love nothing more than that.

"Surely you could pick a better time for this little tête-a-tête? Pomfrey will be back any minute now..."

If there was one thing that Sirius was magnificent at, it was Transfiguration. He levitated a sheet from a nearby bed with a nifty swish-and-flick, and transfigured it into a handy thick curtain completely enclosing the bed. "This way we can keep out the sunlight tomorrow morning."

In an ideal world, he realises how dedicated I am to shagging him, and pounces on me with all of his residual energy.

"You're mad," Remus said, leaning over painstakingly and picking up his book. "If you insist on staying here all night, at least let me read in peace."

"Okay," Sirius said, resting his head on Remus's shoulder and closing his eyes.

After a few minutes and a comfortable silence Sirius fell asleep in no time.

Spring, 1977, evening

"Oh, James! I love you ever so much, despite having spent so many years warding you away!"

"Oh Lily, I don't care how long I've had to wait, because I've been sniffing your knickers in secret all these years!"

"Kiss me, James!"

Sirius leaned forward, flopping his tongue in Remus's face. Remus waved his tongue back, brushing the mop of red hair which was temporarily adorning his head neatly behind his ears.

"I'm so hot for you," Sirius murmured.

"Cut it ouuut," James groaned into his bottle of firewhiskey. "Seriously, this stopped being funny years ago."

"It's still a bit funny," Peter muttered.

Sirius and Remus ignored the running commentary on their performance and mashed their lips together, making sure to slobber more than usual. This was, after, James they were mocking.

It wasn't the first time they'd kissed. Being a Marauder, getting drunk and kissing each other (or anyone else for that matter) was sort of a rite of passage. If any of them had been keeping count and drawn up some sort of graph, which Remus may or may not have done, they'd notice that they'd basically all kissed each other. Peter was always the most unwilling, and lately James had done an extraordinary job of saving his virtue for his dear Lily.

And one day Sirius realised that he'd been wasting his life kissing girls, and that all he really wanted to do was kiss Remus. Naturally, he engineered every opportunity he could.

When they pulled away from each other, red in the face, James leant forward and slapped them both on the backs of their heads. "Still not funny. And Moony, you should not be getting drunk. Not tonight of all nights."

"It's an experiment," Remus slurred. "I'm seeing if the alcohol numbs the pain."

"Yeah, well don't get too drunk," James said. "We don't want a stumbling werewolf on our hands."

"I'll try my best," he said flippantly, tossing his red hair.

"Kiss me again, Lily! I can't take this much longer!" Sirius wailed, flinging his hands in the air.

"I can't, James," Remus said, "for soon my carriage is arriving and my glass slippers will turn back into pumpkins and you know I might turn into a wolf or something..."

"When's the moon coming up?" Peter asked, twirling his half-empty bottle of firewhiskey and sloshing a few drops onto the carpet of their dorm.

"About half an hour," Remus mumbled, distracting Sirius from his current occupation of twirling Remus's red hair.

"Shit, Lily," Sirius said, "we've got to get down to the Shack!"

"Only if you stop calling me Lily," Remus said with a pout and a flick of his wand, his hair abruptly returning to its normal state.

Only if you kiss me again.

"Come on, then," James said, hauling himself off the floor. "Let's stop Make A Mockery Of James Hour and head down for some fun in the forest."

"We can't go into the Forbidden Forest!" Peter said as they collected all the necessities and dashed down the stairs to the common room.

"That's never stopped us before," Sirius mumbled.

Sirius often wondered when he'd get used to Remus's transformations. It sure as hell wasn't something he wanted to get used to, but he thought that he'd have to eventually. Heck, even Remus was used to it. But it was still a nasty shock every time for Sirius, seeing someone he loved go through such unspeakable agony.

Love. There are no other words.

But as Padfoot, he didn't feel it as much. He immersed himself in the sense of adventure, and he went on a rampage with a wolf in the middle of the night. When he turned back into himself, into Sirius, the feelings came back and every new scratch on Remus's body broke another piece off his heart, and in the morning sun he'd lie there and wonder why it affected him so badly.

Spring, 1977, morning

Remus woke slowly. It took him at least half an hour to stop blinking away from the light of the rising sun and open his eyes properly. When he finally managed to extricate himself from a highly uncomfortable foetal position on the floor, he saw that Sirius was already awake, staring into space. James and Peter were still fast asleep, naturally - those two could sleep through a round of Filibuster's finest, never mind the Spring sun.

Sirius was in fact not staring into space, but into Remus's soul. Or, at least, trying to. He'd been trying for years, but alas he had not yet developed the Muggle superhero phenomenon of x-ray vision. He shifted closer to Remus, reflexively touching his hair.

Remus rubbed his eyes with the hand that wasn't cramped awkwardly under his hip bone. "Kiss me again, James," he mumbled, sitting up.

He's still half-asleep and it's wrong to take advantage.

Sirius kissed him.

"Do you think of Lily when you kiss me?" Remus asked, chuckling slightly at his own comic brilliance.

"Of course I fucking don't," Sirius said, remarkably alert for so early in the morning. "You don't think of James, do you?"

Remus shook his head. "I know we're usually drunk," he began, "but..."

Evidently Remus assumed that a vague hand gesture would be enough to communicate what he was trying to say.

It wasn't.

"But what?" Sirius pressed, removing his hand from Remus's hair and fixing him with his best tell-me-what-you're-thinking stare.

"Do you ever think, er... do you ever want to kiss me when you're sober?"

"All the time," Sirius said before he could stop himself.

Remus looked mildly startled for a moment, before composing himself. "Me too," he admitted. "Sometimes I only get drunk because I know you'll try to kiss me. So what I'm trying to say, is that if you want to kiss me more often, you know... feel free."

Sirius grinned broadly. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to do – but unfortunately James chose that moment to wake up. He walked over to Sirius and Remus and crouched down beside them.

"How're you feeling, Moony?"

"Brilliant," Remus said, no sarcasm in his voice.

James glared at Sirius. "I thought I told you not to give him any more happy pills!"

"I think he's still drunk," Sirius said with a shrug.

"I'm fine," Remus said bitterly. "Is Pete still asleep? Because I'd kind of like to get the Hospital Wing."

I don't think I can stay in the same room as Sirius for much longer without doing something embarrassing.

"Let's check," James said, springing up and kicking Peter, who was lying on his side. "Wake up, you lazy lump. We've got to escort our Moony to Pomfreyland."

Peter groaned noisily and rolled over onto his back. "Fuck, James, next time aim away from my hip bone."

"Come on," Sirius said, "let's just head off. Pete can follow when he feels like waking up properly."

"Good plan," Peter mumbled as Sirius helped Remus to his feet.

"Are you okay to walk?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded.

One more touch and I think I'll be dead.

"At least we're getting out of the sun at last," Sirius mumbled as they left the bedroom.

James pushed him down the stairs.

Summer, 1977, evening

"Harmless, absolutely harmless," James had said.

"We'll be fine!" Peter had assured him. "We're always fine."

"It's no worse than anything we've done before," Sirius had pointed out sensibly.

Remus, for the record, had been against it from the start. It was all well and good to cast an Aguamenti or two to keep yourself cool, but flooding an entire classroom? That was madness.

"We'll all get a lifetime of detentions," Remus had said. "I'll get my Prefect duties revoked."

"No you won't," Sirius had said wisely, "because there are only four of us, and you're by far the most sensible."

It turned out that Remus was at least part-right. It was a month of detentions and angry glares from wet Sixth years and a very disconcerted Professor Binns. It can't be much fun having water run straight through you.

And because McGonagall was evidently a cold, heartless bitch (Sirius's exact words), one of the late nights writing lines conveniently fell on the night of a full moon. Remus wasn't too fussed – he'd had many a detention on the night of a full moon, and he'd be let out early anyway, but Sirius seemed to be excessively agitated about this particular night.

Perhaps it was because after well over a month, Remus was still refusing to talk to Sirius about his half-dazed possible admission of maybe wanting to try out changing the way they functioned from "friendship" to "kissing and touching and urges OH MY!" Perhaps Sirius still hadn't gotten over that.

Oops.

And so Remus found himself farewelling his friends partway through detention. Naturally McGonagall had let him out early for the night (clearly she wasn't so cold and heartless after all), but the transformation just wouldn't be the same without the other three there. Well, Remus didn't exactly know what the wolf felt, but he was sure it was a lot worse without Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs.

He had a backpack of spare clothes and a book to read in the morning, and that would do.

Sirius, meanwhile, was going mental in detention. Despite the fact that McGonagall had left the room, James and Peter were dutifully writing their lines – "I will not flood any classrooms with water and malicious intent" – but Sirius was repeatedly stabbing his parchment with his quill.

"Padfoot, man," James said, eyeing the highly unproductive sheet of paper, "are you 'right there?"

"Fantastic," Sirius snapped. "Just fucking fantastic."

"You're insane," James said. "Off your fucking rocker."

"McGonagall is the mad one," Sirius countered. "She knows that Remus is transforming tonight. She knows he needs us."

He needs me. I need him.

"She doesn't really," James said. "No-one knows we go out there and... you know, do the illegal things we do. No-one knows."

"I bet Dumbledore does," Peter mumbled. Both James and Sirius ignored him.

"I need to be there with him," Sirius whined. "This will be the first transformation I've missed since we found out!"

"Mate," James said, "you know how you always tell me to stop being so desperate because I put my need to shag Lily ahead of everything else? Yeah. You're turning into me."

"Well I have been living under your roof for the last year and a bit," Sirius said with a sheepish blush.

"Wait wait," Peter said, "are you insinuating that Sirius wants to shag Remus?"

"Keep up, Pete," James said.

"Look, this is not just about sex," Sirius said, pushing the horrifying thought that more people were steadily finding out about his inconvenient infatuation to the back of his mind. "This is about being there for one of my best friends when he's... he's..."

... suffering.

"Bloody hell," James snapped suddenly, throwing down his quill, "if you're so fussed, get out your wand and bust out. I mean, McGrumpy's not here..."

"We'll cover for you," Peter said. "We'll tell her your heart was breaking and you had to go lie down," he added in a falsely saccharine tone.

"Ha ha," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Go on," James said, "sod off!"

Sirius saluted him, snatching up his things. "See you suckers tomorrow!" He dashed out the door boldly, brimming over with excitement.

I'll make it in time. I'll be there for him. It'll all be-

"Mister Black?"

"... Professor McGru- McGonagall?"

"Get back in that room now, and I won't add another week to your detention. How does that sound?"

Sirius clenched his fists and smiled falsely. "Fantastic."

Just fantastic.

Summer, 1977, morning

Remus was still asleep when Sirius snuck into the Shack the next morning. It was pretty adorable.

Sirius mentally slapped himself for using the word "adorable", and instead went to sit beside Remus and bask in the glow of that weird feeling he got in the pit of his stomach every time he was within a certain distance of him. The curtains were open and the sunlight was flooding the room, giving a fresh scab on Remus's arm a sickly glow.

I hate the sun.

Sirius shielded his eyes with one hand. He wished he had a pair of sunglasses. Sunglasses were probably the greatest thing Muggles had ever invented. He'd learnt about them in Muggle Studies, and spent every day since wondering why Wizards didn't wear sunglasses. They were fantastic. Sirius would kill for a pair of sunglasses. He'd tried some on when he went to Camden with James over the last Summer holiday - they were brown-tinted, and everything looked so much more beautiful through their lenses. It was like the whole world had become an old photograph, with the people in it framed perfectly and living in a single moment, captured forever in the yellowing pages of a photo album or a newspaper clipping. Sirius vaguely wondered what happened if you cut a photo in half. Would the people in the two halves just keep on interacting like nothing had happened, or would they collapse of shock and become still, like a Muggle photo?

But then James called him over to look at a hat he was considering buying for Lily, and the moment was gone.

Sitting there in the sun in the Shack, Sirius had a flash of that moment, when he was so detached from the world around him, just watching everything happen through the brown lenses. He resolved that the first thing he would do when the term finished would be to buy that pair of sunglasses. The very same pair.

He got up to close the curtains, then pulled out his wand and quickly cleaned the blood off Remus's arm. "You look a right mess," he mumbled as he sat back down.

I wish we could talk. About everything.

Remus woke up slowly that morning, and when he did, he saw Sirius Black looming over him. He thought perhaps it would have been romantic for a halo of sunlight to be emanating from the window, its rays dispersed by Sirius's shadow, making him seem almost god-like. But no. Naturally, Sirius had drawn the curtains.

"Still hate the sun?" Remus muttered, his bones cracking as he shook himself up to a sitting position.

"Of course," Sirius said.

"Why?" Remus asked bluntly. "Why d'you hate it?"

Sirius just shook his head, and quietly kissed Remus on the lips. "My offer still stands," he said.

"What offer?"

"I'll kiss you. All the time. When we're sober."

Remus blushed. "Sorry for not, you know... taking you up on that offer sooner."

"That's okay," Sirius said. "You can take me up on it now."

Is this the talk? Are we talking about it?

Instead of a response, there was kissing.

Lots of kissing.

Sirius justified it as making up for lost time.

Remus frankly couldn't be arsed justifying the excessive amount of time they spent kissing, because oh Merlin it was good.

"But really. Why do you hate the sun?"

"You see things you don't want to see," Sirius said with a frown. "You see all the messy bits. All the grime and dirt, and all your flaws. You see everything in the sun. And I hate seeing everything. You know, it doesn't let you have secrets."

"But don't you like the beauty in the everyday? The clarity?"

He shook his head again, grimacing. "I hate it. I despise seeing everything."

"So you'd live your whole life in the darkness, then? That sounds utterly miserable. I don't know how I'll be able to live with you."

"You don't have to live with me," Sirius said.

There was a short pause, and then as though they had planned it all along they both burst into laughter.

"I've lived with you on-and-off for six years," Remus said, "what difference would the rest of our lives make?"

"None at all," Sirius said, smiling like he had never smiled in all his seventeen years. He had never been as happy as he was then, imagining a whole lifetime living with Remus. It made him feel beautiful.

Remus stood up slowly and walked to the window, opening the curtains as far as they would go.

Sirius cringed.

"You're so cute when you're annoyed," Remus joked, sitting back down next to Sirius.

I still hate it.

"I hate seeing you like this," Sirius said suddenly. "I hate you on the morning after. All those cuts, all that blood, all the pain - it fucking hurts me too. And the sunlight, well you can fucking see it all. I don't know how you manage." He looked up, as though expecting Remus to interrupt him. He didn't. Sirius continued. "I fucking hate this. I don't want you to go through this. I want to live with you, I really do, I want to be with you, but I can't stand the fact that this happens to you. It's so fucking unfair. So can we please just close the fucking curtains?"

He stopped and drew breath.

"No," Remus said, leaning forward and kissing him.

And Sirius knew he'd be able to cope - he'd cope with the monthly transformations like he'd always coped with them. It would hurt both of them, but it happened, and they'd cope. They would cope together, that was how it would work. Really, that was how it had always worked.

They sat there in the glow of the sunlight staring at each other, and Sirius was struck by how stunning Remus's face looked with half of it glowing in the sun and the other half positioned in the darkness.

"I suppose," Sirius began cautiously, "I can endure the sun in small amounts."

They didn't make it to the Hospital Wing until much later that morning.

Summer, 1994

"I never took you for much of a philosopher. But you're wrong, you know. The sun doesn't just show you the disgusting and repulsive parts of life that you'd rather forget – it lights up the beauty in the mundane. It can show you things you thought you knew in a different light, if you'll pardon the pun. The dying leaves become golden, the blinding ice becomes brilliant and sparkling, the insects take their place amongst the flowers and the burns on your skin are only temporary. Once it's healed the skin grows back to normal. But that's really all the sun does, isn't it? It gives light. And what's so unusual about that? Nothing. It's normal. Without sunlight, we wouldn't be able to see the beauty that is the absolute normality of our lives. And though there can be days, even decades, in the darkness, there's light at the end. How many times to I have to tell you this?"

But what I still don't understand is why I need the sun to show me the beauty in life when I have you.

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