Disclaimer: Erestor ain't mine. He belongs to Tolkien, as do all the other elves who are mentioned.

A/N: This is probably not very funny, and the idea has been done several times before. I only claim the observation and subsequent recording of common tropes in Erestor characterization. This isn't meant to make fun of anyone, because goodness knows hundreds of people on this site can write a hell lot better than I can. =) Now that's over with, onto the show.

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***

You are now the proud owner of an ERESTOR! Although unusual for his ability to be customized according to the desires of the individual owner, it is still recommended that you read this manual carefully to utilize ERESTOR to his fullest potential.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATION

Name: Erestor

Type: Elf (male)

Manufacturers: Tolkien Enterprises/Fanon Industries Inc.

Date of Manufacture: Unknown

Height: 5'10 – 6' (approx.)

Hair: Dark

ACCESSORIES

Your ERESTOR comes equipped with the following items:

a) Set of goose feather quills

b) Ink pot

c) Selection of books (Rivendell Press)

d) Several notebooks and

e) Elven hair-care products

INSTALLATION

Your ERESTOR should arrive fully assembled and powered up in a protective crate. We recommend that you unpack your ERESTOR unit in a comfortable location, preferably a well-lit and cosy office to minimize distress. Once he has calmed down, introduce yourself, explain the situation and offer him one of the books included in the packaging.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

The ERESTOR is a very rare unit, but extremely versatile. His programming is highly flexible and user-friendly, matched only by the LINDIR and FIGWIT models. Depending on the desires of the individual owner, each ERESTOR can be programmed to perform almost any task. For the inexperienced owner however, the ERESTOR is equipped with default programming which includes:

Butler:

As the Chief Counsellor of Rivendell, ERESTOR is highly skilled in household management. With ERESTOR at the helm, your household will never be lacking in domestic comfort and order.

Administrative Assistant:

ERESTOR is also skilled in administrative duties. Feel free to leave your ERESTOR unit to fill out bank drafts, tax forms and other such boring paperwork.

Second Opinion:

ERESTOR is never afraid to speak his mind and offer his views on matters of importance.

*** DISCLAIMER *** Although his advice is sensible, well-thought out, and far more useful than that of a Magic 8 ball, your ERESTOR is not an all-knowing oracle. Tolkien Enterprises, Fanon Industries Inc. and its associates are not to be held responsible for any unfortunate events (such as a Dark Lord regaining his long-lost ARTIFACT OF DOOM) that may occur from following your ERESTOR unit's advice.

Diplomat:

One of ERESTOR's duties as Chief Counsellor involves acting as ambassador to foreign realms. Worry no longer about having to attend irritating family get-togethers or your mother-in-law's birthday party. Just send your ERESTOR unit in your stead, and let him take care of everything.

CLEANING

Good hygiene is essential when caring for your ERESTOR. Item e) should be used daily in cleaning and can be bought at any retailer specializing in Elven hair-care. As with other elven models, ERESTOR's hair requires frequent brushing to keep it sleek and shiny.

COMPATABILITY

Your ERESTOR unit is compatible with most units in the FORCES OF GOOD range, but works especially well with units in the RIVENDELL range.

*** WARNING *** It is not recommended that you leave the ERESTOR unit alone with other units set to SLASH mode unless you have already changed your unit's specifications to a compatible setting.

SETTINGS

The ERESTOR unit can be programmed with custom settings for the experienced owner, but for the beginner, the ERESTOR has two preset modes:

Pessimist – When set in this mode, your ERESTOR will decry any possibly dangerous suggestion as being a path to despair.

Stoic – In this mode, ERESTOR will become calm, cool and even aloof, performing his duties with superb efficiency.

FAQ

Q: My ERESTOR unit has taken to emptying my jewellery box and giving my neighbour's TOM BOMBADIL unit my rings. How can I stop this?

A: It appears that your ERESTOR has taken initiative to carry out his default programming of discarding all possible ARTIFACTS OF DOOM with the nearest person known to be unaffected by them. To prevent this from happening again, borrow or rent a GANDALF unit to talk some sense into ERESTOR.

Q: I'm starting to get bored of my ERESTOR unit's bland personality and constant pessimism. What can I do?

A: If you are still unsure of how to operate the custom settings on your ERESTOR, it is possible to order a starter pack of additional presets from Fanon Industries Inc. to install on your ERESTOR.

Q: I have an ERESTOR unit and a GLORFINDEL unit. For the most part, they got along well, but after installing the preset starter pack on ERESTOR, they now constantly snark at each other and the ERESTOR unit occasionally threatens violence to the GLORFINDEL unit. Should I be worried?

A: Probably not, as the FRIENDSHIP preset included in the starter pack runs the Vitriolic Best Buds v2.1 programme when in contact with a GLORFINDEL unit. Behaviours such as sarcasm and mock threats of casual violence from either unit are perfectly normal when operating under this programme.

Q: I have put both my ERESTOR and GLORFINDEL units in SLASH mode, but ERESTOR seems to have become even less compatible with GLORFINDEL. Instead of snarking, he has taken to throwing insults and/or various heavy objects at my GLORFINDEL before proceeding to ignore him. What's going on?

A: Note that some SLASH presets also run the Tsundere v2.1 programme which can result in this sort of behaviour from ERESTOR and Belligerent Sexual Tension from both units. Your ERESTOR's behaviour should eventually mellow, but if you fear for the safety of your GLORFINDEL unit, you can delete Tsundere v2.1, which should result in the activation of the backup programme Shrinking Violet v1.1.

Q: I put both my ELROND and ERESTOR units in SLASH mode, expecting to see Belligerent Sexual Tension. However, my ERESTOR has not been hostile to my ELROND unit in any way. If anything, he seems to have become more withdrawn and moody. I have checked and I am sure that ERESTOR has the correct SLASH preset. What is going on?

A: Due to a glitch in the ERESTOR unit the manufacturers have not yet fixed, the Tsundere v2.1 programme does not seem to function when the ERESTOR unit is in contact with ELROND, resulting in a crash of Tsundere v2.1 and activation of the backup Shrinking Violet v1.1 programme. We regret to inform you that until this glitch is resolved, Belligerent Sexual Tension is not possible between ERESTOR and ELROND. You may have better luck with a GLORFINDEL unit though.

Q: After downloading the preset starter pack, my ERESTOR unit has taken to dressing only in black. Should I be concerned?

A: Not at all. This is the default setting of the FASHION SENSE (OR LACK THEREOF) preset included in the starter pack.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: Your ERESTOR refuses to help around the household as advertised, instead opting to sit around looking appealingly broody and occasionally remind you not to delay when you pop out for groceries.

Solution: You have been accidentally supplied with a FIGWIT unit. If you still desire an ERESTOR unit, please return the FIGWIT unit to the distributor along with proof of purchase and request an exchange.

Problem: Your ERESTOR performs none of the functions advertised, but he does however seem to be adept in singing and playing music despite his woeful inability to tell the lyrics of various songwriters apart.

Solution: You have been accidentally supplied with a LINDIR unit. The procedure of return and exchange is the same as with the FIGWIT unit.

Problem: Your ERESTOR dresses in black and keeps odd hours but does none of the duties he has been advertised to perform and seems more interested in making you pretty pieces of jewellery and talking swords.

Solution: You have been issued with an ËOL unit by accident. We recommend that you immediately contact the retailer to send a taskforce of TURGON, GLORFINDEL, ECTHELION and AREDHEL units to your home, as attempting to return the ËOL unit alone may be hazardous for the inexperienced user.

Problem: Your ERESTOR appears to show no interest in your GLORFINDEL/ELROND/LINDIR/etc. unit in spite of the fact that you have set both to SLASH mode.

Solution: Your ERESTOR is probably running the alternative SLASH preset programme Kuudere v2.1. This is perfectly normal behaviour and your ERESTOR should warm up to your desired partner for him eventually.

Problem: Your ERESTOR refuses to rest and has frequently overworked himself to exhaustion.

Solution: Check your ERESTOR's settings to see if you have installed the preset WORKAHOLIC. If so, uninstall and allow your unit to rest for about a week. If not present, order him to take a break in your most authoritative voice. If you find that ERESTOR's settings for STUBBORNESS are now too high and he refuses to listen, contact the retailer and ELROND and GLORFINDEL units will be sent to your home to fix the problem.

Problem: Your ERESTOR unit constantly gazes sadly out a window while sighing deeply.

Solution: Check if your ERESTOR unit has been switched to SLASH mode and has been in contact with any GLORFINDEL or ELROND units not in SLASH mode. If so, your ERESTOR has begun to run the Incompatible Orientation Angst v2.5 programme. Should you wish to stop this programme, deactivate SLASH settings or try to cheer up your unit by buying him a tub of ice cream and offering to listen to his woes.

If your ERESTOR is not set to SLASH mode, then your unit may have been exposed to the sea, activating a SEALONGING malfunction common among most elven models. There is currently no solution to the second problem, but it is possible to lessen the symptoms by indulging your ERESTOR with frequent visits to the beach.

*** WARNING *** It is not recommended that you allow your ERESTOR unit near any boats while at the beach. Tolkien Enterprises, Fanon Industries Inc. and its associates are not liable if your ERESTOR unit goes missing and will issue no replacements.

FINAL NOTE

With adequate care, your ERESTOR model will serve you well for many years. To support this statement, each unit comes with a 6,342,000 month extended warranty. Full written details are available on request. Terms and conditions apply.