A/N: If you're crazy enough to actually try to write one of these fics, go for it. Just send me a message so I know to read it.

[edit] Also, my official stand is that this is not a "list" fic. This is thirty (very short) fics exploring the dynamics of combining crossovers and minimalism.

Thirty (terrible) ideas for Lord of the Rings fanfics

1. Mordor is Germany. Isengard is Japan. Gondor is Britain, Rohan is America. Mirkwood is Russia. The Shire is Canada. Retell all of WW I and WW II, along with the cold war, in one massive fic. Historical accuracy required.

2. Pippin and Merry- brave, humble, jolly companions to the Ringbearer? Or trained assassins on the pay of Barad-dur? Explore.

3. The diary of Witch-king, tracking it's innermost thoughts and feelings as he chases the Ring to Rivendell. All creatures fear his wrath, but deep down he's a lonely, insecure loser who can't even say hi to the cute girl who lives next door in Minas Morgul.

4. What if the Trojan War had been fought elves versus dwarves? Bonus points for successful imitation of Homer's poetry. Extra bonus points if it's in the original Greek. Extra special bonus points that give free massages if you write it in Greek and then translate it into Elvish.

5. Law and Order: The Shire. In the hobbit justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the Bounders, who investigate crime, and the Farthing attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

6. Boromir vs. Ned Stark. Why are they fighting, and who would win?

7. Instead of receiving the phial of Galadriel, Frodo receives a small, tactical nuclear warhead. Discuss how this would change the plot of the The Two Towers and The Return of the King, paying careful attention to modern game theory in regards to global thermonuclear war.

8. It's approaching subzero temperatures on Caradhras, and Gandalf fears the Fellowship will succumb to frostbite and hypothermia if they do not huddle together for warmth. Legolas reluctantly admits that elves emit ten times their body heat when sexually aroused. Go wild with it.

9. The Fellowship is being stalked by a mysterious foe- one who hunts for sport, can shoot lasers from a cannon on his shoulder, and can remain camouflaged even from the keen eyes of Legolas. But it only hunts those who can fight back...

10. The One Ring is found by a sociopathic young wizard named Tom Riddle.

11. Gandalf "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" is rendered ineffective when it turns out that the dwarves build bridges really, really solid. Does Gandalf find another way, or is the party ravaged by fire and shadow?

12. Azula vs. Gandalf. Why are they fighting, and who would win?

13. Gandalf and Sauron. Both powerful sorcerers with an immense interest in the Ring. Never seen together in the same room at the same time. Speculate.

14. Frodo and Sam on the arduous trek through Mordor. Write a scene where both hobbits are uncomfortably sure that the other is flirting with them. Smeagol's presence optional.

15. Gimli finds an oddly shaped hunk of wood and metal. He can't identify it but it seems to be some kind of weapon. The runes on the metal read, AK-47.

16. 300 Spartans at the Battle of Helm's Deep. "Best alliance ever," King Theoden thinks.

17. It's Romeo and Juliet, except Juliet is a Gondor Shieldmaiden, and Romeo is an orc. Play it for laughs or drama, your choice. Mercutio can be a Easterling, and Tybalt can be an elf.

18. Grima Wormtongue tries his hardest to write a love poem for Eowyn. He makes the mistake of asking Eomer for feedback for his poem, which is highly erotic.

19. Aragorn wandering the wild in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse.

20. The Fellowship decides to fly to Mt. Doom on the backs of the noble eagles. They discover (3,000 feet up) that the eagles were secretly on Sauron's side all along.

21. Boromir discovers a notebook that can kill anyone, provided the holder of the notebook knows the true name and face of the victim. Will he use it to fight the forces of the Dark Lord, or use its power to secure the Ring for himself?

22. Retell the story of Fight Club. Boromir is Tyler Durden. Faramir is Edward Norton. Eowyn is Marla.

23. The voice in Merry's head hasn't stopped its urging in ages. He never wanted to hurt Sam, but sometimes he just loses control. Can tie in with #5!

24. Sauron finds a copy of Das Kapital. He realizes that for a communist utopia to arise in Middle-Earth, he must first sweep away the bourgeois and aristocratic Gondorians and their decadent allies.

25. In a drunken, good-natured competition, Gimli and Legolas swap increasingly filthy jokes speculating about Arwen's fetishes.

26. A kitten called Bloodfang (named with good cause) is adopted by Frodo ease his PTSD. Hurt/Comfort, obviously.

27. Speaking of Hurt/Comfort, the Witch-king tries to cheer up Sauron after Isildur cuts off the Ring.

28. Frodo succeeds in his quest to destroy the Ring, but only after the free world is razed by Sauron. Grieving and bitter, Frodo goes back in time with all his knowledge of the future to make sure things go right this time.

29. Roland of Gliead vs. Legolas. Why are they fighting, and who would win?

30. Slash King Theodon with Morgoth. But more than that, make it plausible.