I wrote this about a year ago and I just rediscovered it underneath my bed. No harm in publishing this hilarious little scrap.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Kia.

Planet Road Trip

Now that the Planet resembled a charred popcorn kernel, Sephiroth and his little clones plus one tagalong were following in Mommy's footsteps. The Planet, as it turned out, made quite the lovely "car" after it had been reduced in size, and it got even better mileage than a Kia.

"Isn't it grand?" Sephiroth queried rhetorically as he spread his arms wide, basking in the happy aura of deathly doom that encircled his vehicle.

"But of course," Yazoo replied as he doodled a bumper sticker for the family car.

Loz raised his hand with ridiculous enthusiasm. "I call dibs on naming the car!"

"Go right on ahead," Sephiroth murmured distractedly. He cradled the box containing Jenova's head to his chest and crooned, "See, Mother! I'm a good boy!" Chuckling at his own brilliance, he gazed off into the starry distance, searching for gas stations, all-you-can-eat buffets, planets to obliterate, and novelty gift shops shaped like mermaids.

Loz leaned forward in his "seat," an enormous, blackened stump made of a suspicious substance. "Hey, Brother! Do you think the car would look good with...err, black racing stripes?"

"No, Brother! I say purple!" Yazoo interjected.

Sephiroth was still whispering nonsense to Jenova about lost time and pyromania, so Kadaj spoke up for him, "Big Brother! Down below! Give us some advice!"

Cloud, looking positively miffed, didn't respond. Sephiroth and the kids had strapped him to the "dashboard" of the Planet, dressing him in a coconut bra, a grass skirt, and a lei so he could pass as a hula girl bobble head. Needless to say, Cloud's second stab at cross dressing was even less enjoyable than the first. In the hours since departure, he had struggled against his "crash padding" and dreamed up witty insults. Oh yeah, and he also was fighting the urge to pee himself after holding it for far too long.

Kadaj sighed. "Brother-"

"I finished one!" Yazoo cheered joyfully as he brandished a "You wish your mom's theme music was this awesome!" bumper sticker in Kadaj's face. Sephiroth snapped out of his reverie to applaud as Yazoo attached the sticker to the "bumper", He then sat down to work on the next one.

"Let's play music!" Loz exclaimed excitedly, clapping his hands together. This was his first epic road trip, but golly, it was already his favorite!

Sephiroth cut him short with a shake of his head. "No, you'll give Mommy a migraine, and I used up all the aspirin after we dealt with that irritating ninja girl. Besides, we don't have a radio."

"No need!" Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz said simultaneously, taking deep breaths.

Too late, Sephiroth and Cloud realized what was happening. "No!" they cried together, and Cloud pondered on how the heck him and Sephiroth had agreed on something so bizarre.

"I wanna know what love is!" the terrorizing trio serenaded.

A trickle of urine found its way down Cloud's thigh. It was going to be a long, long ride.

I wonder how much caffeine I had before writing this?