Disclaimer: I don't own anything; just playing in the sandbox, fellas!

Thanks so much for your kind reviews for the last chapter. I really appreciate it. I hope that y'all like this latest chapter. This fic is just so much fun to write… Anyway, thanks for keeping up with this fic! Please enjoy!

CM Punk: Monster Slayer
004. In Which There Are Several Predicaments

The bright Floridian sun shone down on the trio of…well, whatever the hell they were. A tattooed monster slayer, a multi-lingual badass, and a shockingly ginger vampire. They looked out at the people before them, trying to distinguish vampire from human. The only thing they could even manage to make out were that some of the beachgoers stayed out in the sun and never even got a tan - or burned, for that matter.

As they figured out their course of action, Daniel groaned and jammed his head in the sand.

"Hell," Punk ran a hand over his hair, "I don't even know where in the name of all things pale and gross to begin."

"Hey!" Sheamus protested. "Fella, I resent that."

"Dude, from the photos I've seen, you were that pasty before you Turned," Punk said, clapping the Irishman on the shoulder.

"Why am I helping you two again?"

Punk brandished a stake.

Sheamus shuddered.

Daniel looked up from his collapsed position in the sand, "Don't you have some kind of…way you can draw them here? Like a…call or something?"

"What in the name of me Uncle Fargus' left testicle are you talking about?"

"Is that the green one?" Punk snidely commented.

"Don't make me put me boot up yer arse."

"A call," Daniel said, turning himself so that he was now sitting down and staring up at the two more than usual. "Like an animal call." He brushed the sand from his beard, cupped his hands around his mouth, and made the sounding of an elephant's trumpet.

Punk and Sheamus stared.

"Or maybe like this," Daniel said, cupping his hands again and producing a very moose-like sound. Completely oblivious to the looks he was receiving from Punk and Sheamus, he replicated the calls of a duck as well as a…beaver? They weren't so sure about that last one.

"Okay!" Punk exclaimed, waving his hands. "Let's stop it with the Steve Irwin shit - "

"That man was a national treasure," Sheamus said, nodding, with crossed arms.

"You're not Australian!"

"I meant…for the…ah…Aussie fellas. Duh."

Punk rolled his eyes and looked out at the beachgoers.

"Any plans forming?" Daniel stretched out his muscles and stared at his partner. "Because I don't have anything."

Other than the fact that distinguishing the people who didn't show any overt effects from being out in the sun, there was another way to separate the vampires from the humans. Groups of girls giggled gleefully around the males, while strong and buff guys catered to every female vamp's needs. Compulsion. Or their natural magnetism. Either way, it was rather revolting.

"Can't you sniff them out, too?" Punk turned to Sheamus, who looked at the stake in his hands and scratched his beard.

"Oh, yeah," he said, sheepishly. "You fellas were just on the right path so I thought I'd - "

"Stand there and be completely useless?" Punk replied sharply.

Sheamus gave a jovial grin and laughed, while Daniel said, "Punk, we don't have time for that…"

"Right, right," Punk said, waving a hand at Daniel and then staring at Sheamus. "You don't think you could…lure one out, right? Like your lovely girlfriend?"

"Uh…about that…"

"She dumped you once she got the ring, right?"

"…yeah…"

"Bitches," Daniel said, shaking his head. Punk had trouble keeping a straight face.

"Sheamus!" a soft, girlish voice cried out.

Punk rolled his eyes and turned at the sound of the voice. He looked and saw that the girl who had spoke looked rather young. She had wide brown eyes and long hair of the same color. She grinned, grasping the Irishman's wrist, as she said, "You've been gone a while!"

Sheamus looked downright flustered. "Er…hey, AJ. I - uh - had to take care of some things."

"Vampire or human?" Punk whispered in aside to his partner.

"I think we should investigate Sheamus for dating someone underage, either way."

AJ turned and focused her gaze on the two, her soft eyes suddenly cold, "Vampire, actually, and I'm one hundred and twelve years old, thank you very much."

"Subtract one hundred from that and then I might believe you." Punk twirled the stake in between his fingers. He then looked at Sheamus with a shit-eating grin, "She's older than you, big fella."

"Age is nothing but a number - " Sheamus crossed his arms in indignation.

" - says the pedophiles in prison," Daniel interjected.

AJ pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose. "Why are they here?"

"To take the rings," Sheamus whispered. "Apparently, this isn't good."

"It's freaking people out," Punk said. "Have you not watched the news?"

"Do I still get to have mine?" she asked. "Sheamus…"

Sheamus looked over at the two partners-in-crime. Justice. Whatever. "I think so."

"Eh," Punk rolled his shoulders, "what harm could a twelve-year-old do?"

In a flash, AJ had Punk on his back, her forearm across his throat, fangs out as snarls ripped from her throat. Punk smirked and pressed the stake upward so that it barely brushed the bone of her chest.

"Five centimeters, girly," he said, the grin never leaving his face. "Five centimeters and then your one hundred and twelve-year-old existence is reduced to ash. Hell, we're at the beach. Someone might just make a nice little sandcastle out of you."

AJ leapt back, still looking ruffled. "Stupid."

"You're the one who jumped the guy with the stake."

"You're the one who pissed off a vampire!"

"I piss everyone off."

Sheamus shook his head. For a moment it looked like he wasn't going to say anything, but then he cursed, "Ah, hell."

Punk and Daniel turned in the direction of Sheamus' gaze.

"Kelly," Punk said, identifying the blonde vampire for Daniel.

"Bitches," Daniel replied, shaking his head.

The vampire in question tromped along the beach, grinning brightly, her arms spread out as if to absorb the sun. She laughed and guys' heads turned. And they stared. And it was ridiculous. If vampires didn't scare the shit out of animals, they were certain that birds would be landing on her shoulders and singing an aria at her.

"Okay," Punk said, rolling up the sleeves of his jacket. "I have a plan."

"What's that?" Daniel asked, staring at him, not even thinking to ask why Punk wore his jacket to the beach.

Punk gave Daniel an all-knowing smile.

He then drew the tip of the stake across his exposed wrist so that blood bubbled from the long, ragged cut. AJ and Sheamus tensed right beside him.

Daniel watched in horror and he tried to launch himself forward to tackle the crazed, tattooed fool. He had been a counselor on the suicide hotline back in the day and if he knew anything it was that suicide was not the answer.

Punk deftly dodged him and started to sprint toward the throng of beachgoers, holding his bloody limb above him as if he were selling hot dogs at a Cubs game.

"Lunchtime, you bloodsucking freaks, lunchtime!"

End 004.