Letters to the Editor – By Lika Amanaka
"What's this dribble?" Hilde exclaimed.
"The what?" Duo looked up from his comic book, only mildly interested. Glork was just about to transform and squish tiny Zorlock's brain into a massive pulp, but Zorlock always had a plan up his sleeve.
"This gibberish! It's garbage! They call this news? Mundane happenings of the rich and famous is hardly news!" Hilde continued.
"Ahem…" Dorothy cleared her throat and looked over disapprovingly. "Now if the Pope farted during Easter Mass, now that would be mundane, as he's probably 1000 years old and does that all the time. I happen to like news about the 'rich and famous'." Dorothy continued, ducking to avoid a crumpled paper ball Trowa threw at her.
"You're unbelievable." He muttered. "Picking on a 1000 year old man."
"Still!" Hilde insisted, "I could write far better crap to go into this paper."
"Why don't you? I bet you'd be good at it!" Quatre exclaimed.
"No good Q, don't encourage her." Duo muttered, still engrossed in his comic book, unhappy that Zorlock had avoided defeat yet again.
"You know what I'm going to do?" Hilde asked, ignoring Duo completely. "Write a letter to the editor!" Hilde flipped open her notebook and began writing.
"Dear Sack of Shit…or should I say Jack in the Box?" Hilde asked no one in particular.
She began again.
Dear Ugly Bag of Water1,
Your newest article caused the bile to rise in my throat. I could not believe the incredible lack of news or originality attributed in this month's magazine. It was flat out the most disgusting piece of trash to hit newsprint in over a century (that's 100 years for unintelligent baboons such as yourself).
I found the bit the other day about a Muppet's face appearing on a piece of burnt toast more compelling than the erroneous, fly swatting crap you print. Speaking of crap, the stuff you write and print would be put to better use as toilet paper in an impoverished country! If I'm not making myself perfectly clear, than let me explain in simple English! I hate your article and I will boycott your ridiculously lacklustre news magazine.
If the Tooth Fairy and a Leprechaun got together and gave birth to a Genie in a Lamp it would be far more accurate than the false accounts of nonsense I've read in here today. Under no circumstance did I purchase your paper expecting to come across this hideous display of arrogance and deceit!
I feel I have been completely cheated by your price as I wouldn't have paid a cent over zero for it if I had known. I have been completely mislead by your brand and its ludicrously false advertising! The pottage of veggie peels, diapers and batteries is no match for the fodder your newsletter provides a hungry landfill. I would never dream of recycling your nauseating paper in fear it would become poisonous plant food and grow mutant devil trees that would blot out the Sun's rays and plunge humanity once more into the Dark Ages.
In fact, if this were the Dark Ages, you'd be burned at the stake and/or publicly hanged (or hanged and burned if I had my way) for printing the blasphemous, toe clinching, mud swallow you print today –
"Jesus, Hilde!" Duo exclaimed. He was standing over her shoulder reading along. "Is this a letter or a novel?" He asked.
"It's a letter and it's allowed to be as long as I want it to be" Hilde replied.
"Her essay does make a few good points," Trowa spoke up. They were by now, all standing around her as she wrote.
"Ya," Said Dorothy. "I especially liked the part about the leprechaun and genie making a baby fairy."
"Um, I think you got that turned around. It's – oh never mind." Trowa rolled his eyes and gave up.
"Hilde," Quatre started. "I appreciate the gravity of your feelings, but I wonder. Don't you think you've made your point?"
"I told you not to encourage her" Duo replied before Hilde would answer.
"No, I don't think I'm finished yet! I've got plenty more to say about this, this, this monstrosity!" Hilde exclaimed, still as fired up as when she began.
"What's got you all riled up anyway?" Heero asked, making everyone jump a mile high. No one had noticed him enter the room. He reached out and picked up the magazine Hilde had been reading.
"Relena Dorlian hits the beach, savouring her all time favourite spinach flavoured ice cream! The benefits of which help create her dazzling smile and perfect blemish free skin!"
Blank stares all around made Hilde speak up, "That's not true! Her favourite is strawberry!"
O_o; _ -_-;
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AN: I hope you all enjoyed! It was the most fun ever writing and re-reading Hilde's righteous indignation over some random article. I wrote this with pen and paper sometime in June 2011, all angry bout something, but as I found silly ways of childishly swearing as I wrote, I just burst out laughing and totally forgot what I was angry about! I had completely forgotten about this fic, but found it this morning as I rummaged through my notebooks :D Best find ever!
Happy 2012 everyone!
1 My 8th grade teacher Mr. Marco used to call us students UBOW's all the time lol. "Ugly Bags Of Water", and technically he's right, the human body is about 70% water and the skin that olds it all in acts as a bag… we all loved him, he was a great teacher with an hell of a sense of humour too!