Part III – Sam: Found Father

Sam woke up in a fog and feeling as if he hadn't slept at all. Despite the fact a glance at the clock showed him that he had been out for several hours. Then of course the memories struck and all Sam wanted to do was curl back up and fade away.

Sam swallowed thickly. He knew going back to sleep was not an option for him right now. He had already taken the coward's way out for much too long. Sam realized on the tail of that observation that he owed Dean big time.

The younger Winchester pushed himself up and off the bed sucking in a deep breath and mentally stealing himself for the inevitable conversation.

When Sam emerged from his basement hideaway and ventured into the living room it was to see Castiel sitting in their recliner with the baby on his chest. The blue of the television flickered over Castiel's face.

"Cas?" Sam asked.

The archangel stood without any ado and handed the baby over to Sam. Sam took her a little wide-eyed.

"Dean's gone to bed. I have to return to Heaven before Gabriel irrevocably alters my son. Though if you need anything and wish not to disturb your brother you can call me. I'll have my phone on. Diapers and extra clothing are in John's room. There's formula on the kitchen counter and Dean's sanitized some of John's old bottles. She ate about an hour ago. The carrier is by the couch if you need to put her down. Dean suggested you get a head start on the crib. It's in the store room and the bedding needs to be hung to dry. Dean put them in the wash before he went to bed. I shall see you later, Sam." The angel shifted from stern and clinical in an instant as he leaned in and dropped a gentle kiss on the baby's head, "I shall see you later as well Sweet Girl. It was a pleasure meeting you. Goodbye Sam."

Sam eyes widened, "No Cas! Wait!" But of course Castiel never listened to Sam and the angel was gone with a gust of feathers.

The panic that had diminished when Sam woke to see Castiel holding the baby returned in an instant. Dean was in bed and Sam learned thirty-three years ago not to wake him on pain of noogie. Castiel had flitted back to Heaven where he was all but unreachable (to Sam anyway) and Sam was alone. Alone with a little human life that was completely and utterly dependent on him.

"Oh God," Sam muttered. Then the baby started to whimper and very soon the whimper turned into a cry and almost immediately after that a wail.

"Oh God. What is it? What did I do?" He shot his worried gaze the red-faced infant who only wailed louder.

"Shit Kid, what to you need? Cas said you ate. Diaper? Diaper... Right that could be it." Okay, Sam thought, he had this, he could do this. He changed John's diaper tonnes of times. John was a boy.

Sam felt a strange twist of embarrassment as he looked down at the little girl.

"Do girls need their diapers changed differently?" Sam asked. The baby just continued to cry. A part of Sam waited for Dean to come barrelling down the hall, just as Dean had done when John had cried as a baby in Sam's care. This baby though wasn't Dean's. This baby was Sam's. Sam had a baby. Sam was a dad. Sam felt ill all over again.

"Shit Munchkin. I'm sorry," Sam whispered. It wasn't her fault this happened. She didn't ask to be here with a guy who had about as much personal charm with kids as... Well Sam didn't really know what. He didn't know anything.

Sure, he had helped with John but that was on the sidelines. Really he hadn't done much beyond the occasional diaper change and five minutes or so of entertainment and distraction if Dean and Cas had to step away for a minute. Anytime longer than that and Sam had Bobby for backup. Oh God, what was Bobby going to think?

Sam suddenly realized that Dean and Cas must be super-parents or something because they always made it look so easy with John.

"I'm so sorry you got stuck with me," Sam apologized again. He then had a brief flare of thought that maybe this little girl would be better off with someone else then he was hit with the gut rotting guilt. Her mother had already abandoned her. She didn't deserve to be abandoned by her father as well. Sam was her father and Sam Winchester was no deadbeat dad.

Sam gnawed his lip. She was a little quieter now but the weight in her diaper indicated that a fresh one would still be a good idea. Sam gathered his resolve. He was Sam Winchester, boy-genius, research master, almost college graduate and all around bad ass. He could be an awesome dad too... Right?

"Okay," Sam said. "You're gonna have to bear with me here Kid. Dean has always been the one better with the snot factories, not me. But your mine and I'm not gonna abandon you so we can do this if we do it together, all right?" Sam was rather proud of himself. He had managed to carry the baby down the hall, lay the changing pad on John's bed and make efficient work of her diaper. She didn't look what one could call pleased but at least one of her needs was taken care of.

xxxxxx

Sam wasn't sure what to do when he was done with crib. It didn't take as much time as he thought it would and currently he found himself staring blankly at the carrier holding the infant. The bedding for the crib was still damp and Sam knew that she wouldn't be sleeping there tonight. The thought gave him a spur of anxiety, because that meant his options were down to one of three. In the carrier where she was currently. With Dean (which Sam just knew was kind of unlikely at this point). Or with Sam himself. Another shock to his system at that one. Wild thoughts rolling and keening for purchase. What if he squished her in the middle of the night? What if he tossed her off the bed? What if she suffocated in the sheets or pillows or Sam himself?

Sam stood, raked a hand through his hair and turned his back to the baby. He paced his basement room, lit only by faint streetlight streaming in through the low windows, which of course didn't really provide much light at all. God, how had Dean done this? How had Castiel done this? How had they stayed sane long enough to raise a healthy half angel baby who may be a brat at times (he was a Winchester after all) but was in general a fantastic kid? How had they let him sleep in their bed at night without fear of killing him? So small, and helpless to everything.

The baby whimpered and Sam spun, staring down at her as if she were about to fly free from the carrier and lunge at him. His heart beat rapidly in his chest for a moment and then something very, very strange happened. Her blue eyes, previously dancing around the room as if the very air fascinated her went very still and stared right into Sam's. Sam sucked in a breath at the odd intensity of her stare, an intensity she shouldn't be capable of and without conscious thought in two long strides Sam was across the room and holding her in his arms.

"I want kids so bad Sam… You do too right? I think you'd make and awesome dad. Aren't those little girls cute? I think I'm gonna be a teacher, when we graduate. Then I can have my fill until we have some rugrats of our own. Love you, Sammy." Soft lips against his own, sparkling blue eyes filled with warmth, blonde hair cascading around the most beautiful face Sam had ever seen… Jessica.

Kids. Jess wanted kids.

Words he couldn't really make out. Just warmth and light and love and peace. A voice so gentle and just for him, cooing and crooning softly down. Blonde hair cascading around sharp cheekbones and wide green eyes, a smile that would forever go unmatched.

"My sweet baby boy, Sammy. Daddy and Dean will be home soon, but right now you're all mine. I love you so much." Lips on his cheeks and forehead and eyes. Mom.

Sam stared down at the peacefully cooing blonde haired infant. Gentle and trusting, blinking in the gloom. Tiny hands, impossibly small fingers reaching up and grabbing at nothing but air, just trying to get closer and Sam reached down and offered a finger. A small fist, and needle sharp nails curled around and into his digit, with all the strength she possessed, barely making it around Sam's finger as she held it.

"Wow," Sam blinked voice gentle. "You're beautiful Little Girl. I think you're pretty well the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Jess, Jess would love you. Mom too, you know. Hard to believe something like you could be mine, so perfect and innocent and pure. I see it though, all that strength flashing behind those eyes of yours… Wonder if they'll be like Mom's when you're older?"

Sam sat and stared reverently down at the girl for long, echoing heartbeats. He didn't even tear his gaze away when he heard bare feet padding down the carpeted stairs that led to his basement bedroom.

"Pretty amazing, isn't it?" Dean asked gently. "When they look at you like that. God, when Cas and I first got that look we were blubbering like babies ourselves. Freaked John right out, kid wouldn't stop wailing for a week it seemed after that. She's pretty special, that little girl of yours."

Sam finally looked over his hazel-green eyes swimming, tears threatened, but he held them back. Then he whispered something too soft for Dean to hear.

"What's that Sammy?" Dean asked.

"Her name, Nikki didn't give her one, not a real one anyway. The birth certificate just says Baby Girl Winchester… But it's good, 'cause I know her name. It's the only one Dean," Sam tone was getting a little desperate. "It just has to be it."

"Okay Sammy, sure thing. You just mumbled Kiddo, what did you say?" Dean was all gentleness as he came over, and crouched in front of his brother.

Sam looked down at him, enunciating clearly this time, "Mary Jessica."

Dean grinned and nodded once, teary eyed all over again and Sam couldn't help his own from falling now.

"Told her you'd give her the best name in the world," Dean said, voice rough. Sam could only stare at his daughter once more. His little girl.

End