A/N: Well, as you might have noticed, I haven't been updating much recently. This is because I've been off at the blood bath, which gave me the concentration skills of a squirrel. However, I have been doing a bunch of little ficlets. So that you guys have something, I'll be reading through and posting what I've done.

This was actually a kink meme request for "Russia Wants Babies"

Russia is crazy. Just thought I'd start it off like that.

Russia. Is. Fucking. Crazy.

"Oh, but America," You say, "Everybody already knows that!"

Well, of course they do, you silly person. But I don't think that you can really appreciate how batshit this guy is. People say I'm crazy, they don't know anything.

You don't believe me? Well fine, then, I'll give you an example. Every day of his goddamn life. Let's start with this morning, since I remember it like it was yesterday and all.

So me and Japan were standing in the hall during a break when Russia came up behind me and hugged me. That would have been fucked up enough but he didn't just hug me. Oh no, he spread his fingers out over my stomach and nuzzled my neck. Now, I don't like anyone touching my stomach – not because I'm afraid they'll realize I'm fat though because I'm totally not whatthehellgaveyouthatidea? – and I really didn't like the way that his stinking breath was getting all up in my face and making my neck feel gross. However, the last time I threw him out the window Germany scolded me for like ten whole minutes so I had to at least try to keep my cool.

Instead of righteously pwning his ass I just calmly balled my hands into fists, ready to punch him all the way back to his wasteland of a home, and said, "Russia, what are you doing?"

"I was hoping for a favor, dear America."

"If you don't mind, I believe I hear Prussia trying to break in again," Japan said, quickly running away. I let him. After all, I had to have a smack-down with big pale and creepy.

I laughed really loud to make it seem like I wasn't mad and then ducked away, "What's the favor? 'llhaveEnglandattackyou."

"Oh, it's nothing hard! ."

"I still wanna know what it is," I said, not saying anything other than that because I couldn't come up with a reply fast enough.

Russia smiled serenely and said, "I just want you to bear my children!"

I gave him my best WTF face accompanied by actual phrase.

"See, I get quite lonely. My house is very big and so empty," He actually looked sad, like he wasn't asking for something stupid and impossible, "And I thought that it would feel less lonely if I had a baby to keep me entertained!" His face had turned back into that uber-creepy smile by this point.

"One: Not in a bajillion years. Two, why the hell would you ask me that anyway?"

"Please reconsider America!" Russia said, creepy smile still in place, "After all, you already have so many children!"

I think he was talking about my states here. Like hell they're my kids. They just sort of pop out of nowhere like the rest of us. I don't think I've even had sex that often.

…I probably shouldn't have said that.

Oh well, my backspace is broken!

Anyway, I just turned bright red – because I was angry, not 'cause I was embarrassed because I totally wasn't! – And said, "Like hell!"

"It cannot be that bad," Russia said, coming closer, "After all, your geography proves you were designed for this sort of thing: always talking about your fertile farmland, so much unpolluted water, all those lush forests, untapped natural resources, not to mention the Grand Canyon-"

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"I cannot help it if everything about your natural form is an innuendo or symbol of the womb."

"That doesn't mean I've got one!" I shouted.

"Oh, America, embrace who you are. It does nothing to hide from it, you know!"

"I ain't hiding shit!"

"Ah, I see the problem." He said, smiling, "Do not worry, America! I can see you're already working on one. I do not mind waiting for another… oh, it can't be more than two months, right?"

And that, Mr. Putin, is why I broke your country.

Sincerely,

Alfred Fucking Jones

AKA

The United States of America