RussiaxReader

A Parody Fic In One Part

By Jetsir

It was midnight. Just because.

You were walking down a dark alleyway, and since the author needed to put you in a sketchy situation, but didn't think to give you a reason for travelling in such a place, this is where we will start the story. Hopefully you'll be too excited by the prospect of getting some hot Russian ass to care.

You were alone, as all young teenage girls should be at midnight. In a dark alley. With no means of protecting yourself. Yes, this all made perfect sense.

Then suddenly, you heard the sound of footsteps.

You shrugged to yourself, "that's probably the wind."

The footsteps sound grew louder.

You nodded, "yup, that's definitely the wind."

Suddenly you found yourself being wrapped up in a pair of strong, muscular, sexilicious arms.

"You're not the wind!" you exclaimed, "what a twist!"

You turned, and suddenly, any thought of fearing for your life immediately vanished, for you were immediately captivated by a pair of violet pools that glimmered in the pale moonlight like limpid tears.

As soon as the rest of the man holding onto you came into focus you gasped a very surprised gasp.

He was beautiful. From the large nose chiseled out of pure sex all the way down to his heavily blood-stained shoes.

You had no idea who this man was.

But you wanted in his pants.

NOW.

"Do not be afraid, -Insert Name Here-," the mystery Adonis said in a voice that could turn the most conservative Republican gay.

"My name's not Insert Name Here," you breathed. Because that's what humans generally do, they breathe. "My name is -Insert Name Here-. Le gasp! You're right! Insert Name Here is my name!"

Though you had to wonder, was it all just your first name? Or was your name Insert with the rest being your middle and last?

These questions added even more conflict to your already tragic life. Oh woe is you!

The man smiled, but he had a glimmer in his limpid tear lakes (…or was it rivers? Babbling brooks? Pools! Yes, pools…) that betrayed the years and years of hurt and sadness and tragedy and fat jokes from when he was a kid that burdened him everywhere he went.

Or maybe it was just an eye booger.

Either way, you were completely captivated.

"My name is Ivan," he said in a soothing tone that soothed you soothingly, "and I won't hurt you."

"You promise?" you asked, doe-eyed. Not that you really gave a fuck at this point, you were too busy contemplating the size of his trouser-weasel.

"Seeing as this author has no idea of my characterization and is just portraying me as your general hot, studly bishie… da, I promise," he said, saying yes in Russian for no reason at all, aside from the fact that it was sexy. And that was all that mattered. Ever. Don't let any parent, teacher, friend or concerned member of society tell you otherwise.

You swooned, "oh, Ivan!"

Suddenly, he got on one knee and grabbed your hand, "-Insert Name Here-…I've stalked you for the past twenty minutes, as I've done every night for the past eight months, and accosted you in this dark, godforsaken alleyway for one purpose, will you be my wife? Will you become one with Russia?"

"Russia?" you asked, "but isn't this an AU?"

He frowned, "I'm not sure, the author has really been lacking with the details here. I mean, she didn't bother to mention the old, drunken hobo passed out next to that trash can behind you until now."

You looked up into the heavens where the author looked down on you. She set her sweet tea down and shrugged. You both shrugged back and carried on.

"Oh, Ivan!" you cried, grasping your -Insert Color Here- colored -Insert Article Of Upper Body Clothing Here- over where your heart was. Tears of joy spilled out of your -Insert Other Shit Here Because This Author Was Too Lazy To Take The Time To Figure Out How To Write A Reader Insert Fic Without Making It A Fucking Ad Libs Game. Jesus…- eyes. "I only met you three minutes ago when you attacked me after stalking me for God knows how long, but my heart burns for you! And so do my Vital Regions!"

Then, you pulled away from him.

This story was way too happy for the author's taste. So she added some needless and pathetic wangst to be "edgey."

"I'm sorry," you said, looking away and touching your hand to your forehead in a melodramatic manner, "but my father died when I was still in the womb," because if your dad wasn't dead or an alcoholic in a Reader Insert, then the author wasn't doing it right, "and the seven stepfathers I had after that died within hours of each other due to chronic back story disease."

You turned to him, where he was still down on one knee because the author hadn't figured out what to do with him during all of that exposition, "so you see Ivan? I have never known the love of another man! How will this ever work?"

Ivan stood, wobbling a bit because it's actually quite uncomfortable to stay in proposal position on cold, uneven ground for extended periods of time, "I haven't known love, either! But that's not stopping me! I have known many troubles, but since I can't tell whether this is supposed to take place in the main universe of this series or some sort of alternate one (if it is an AU, I sincerely hope it's a high school one!) I shall leave those details ambiguous. All I know is that I love you with all of my OOC being!"

"Oh, Ivan!" you sobbed, your dialogue seeming to be on repeat. You rushed into his arms, "our lives are so difficult!"

"Then let us heal each other, by becoming one in this nasty alleyway, atop mounds of trash and shattered crack pipes, with this unconscious hobo acting as the sole witness to our burning passions!"

"OH, IVAN!"

And so you had raunchy, nasty, physically impossible written-by-a-virgin sex in that dirty alleyway.

Then all was good.

Ivan was cured of his deep emotional scarring that not even the best psychiatrist could fix, but your clueless teenaged ass seemed to take care of in a jiffy.

You finally visited Russia's capital.

And the author raked in large amounts of undeserved favorites, author alerts, and positive feedback for this piece of shit.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

Except for the readers who actually had sense and good taste. They were so disgusted they never read another Reader Insert fic again.

The End!

A/N:And so I try my hand at a parody fic.

How did I do?

I've already posted this on dA, but people seemed to like it so I'm posting it here.

This was inspired by all of the conversations I've been having with the very intelligent, sensible people that have reviewed my serious (well, serious as in not a parody, still comedy, though...) RussiaxReader fic on deviantART ( it's not posted here, you can find it on my dA page of the same screen name). We are tired of all the poorly written, sappy, melodramatic, nonsensical, head-scratchingly stupid/implausible/bullshitty Reader Inserts out there and we demand quality, dammit!

This fic exemplifies all of the problems we have with such fics, with the exception of poor grammar, because if I attempted that, I'd probably shoot myself.

And yes, I referenced My Immortal. I figured if I wanted to make a parody of shit, I had to go to the biggest pile of them all for inspiration.

Later, baybays!