They Had Lights in Their Eyes

Nine

'For a Sinner like Me'

Adam and Cassie made their way to the Boat House slowly, taking in the view of the nature and each other with as much focus as possible. She stared up at him. But she daren't look. Adam was untouchable, despite his closeness to her. Cassie didn't know exactly why she felt him at such a distance, but there was nothing between them except vacancy, and a chilling feel of ice. Maybe it had nothing to do with him. Maybe it was just her—being the isolated girl she usually became. But this was Adam. Adam. The boy who made her feel alive. The boy who was a mystery, yet as open as humanly possible. It shouldn't be this complicated. She breathed in deeply, trying to hold in the trembling sound that almost passed her lips.

"I'm glad I told you," Adam told her lightly, taking his glance away from the massive oak tree, and fixing it on her. He was so goddamn sincere. She could feel him drawing her closer, and the ice was rapidly becoming fire.

"Yeah," she replied softly, her confidence slowly building, "me too." Cassie wrapped her arms around her ribcage, her goose-bumped skin crawling chillily. The wind wasn't as rapid or as harsh as it should be for that time of year, but it was the coldest Cassie had felt in months. The soft blue flannel of Adam's shirt was becoming ever so appealing to her. She pulled on a piece of her blonde hair, praying that Adam would speak again. The silence was like a ghost.

"So, you still up for the Boat House?" He stepped a tad closer to her, trying to resist the cliché feeling of electricity he felt as he drew nearer to her. It felt wrong somehow though. He was trying with all his might to feel her beside him, but it was as if he was being pulled away. It was probably just the roaring emotions of remembering Aria, but he still felt—sick. Stretched. Yet he continued to try.

"For sure," she smiled, "are you?" Her tone was serious. It wasn't flirting; it wasn't her trying to be gracious. She truly and honestly feared Adam was too shattered to do anything but mourn. Maybe that was bad to think. But it was the one solid thought in her head.

"I'm fine, Cassie," he replied shallowly, "really. I'll be okay." He repressed a sigh. Adam could feel Aria's eyes on him. Her soft grassy green orbs bore into him, becoming blacker with the more of his soul she saw. He knew she blamed him. He'd learned to accept it. He'd learned to begin to accept it.

"I just don't want you to feel you need to be there, you know? It's not easy to just bounce back from something like that." She was terrified to specify what 'it' was. It could trigger something in Adam. She didn't know quite what, but it certainly wasn't any feeling she wished upon him. She took a step closer.

"Well, I've gotten the hang of the whole 'moving on' thing," he lied through a smile, "and plus: it'll be good to just relax with the Circle." Relax. Right…

"Yeah, okay," Cassie returned, not entirely convinced.

"So uh, how does it feel to be a part of the Circle now?" Idiot, idiot, idiot.

"Fine," she returned awkwardly, although she knew it was so far from the reality.

"Really, Cassie," he returned, seeing straight through her shield. He knew her all too well.

"Okay, well, it's just that… it's just that it doesn't feel right." That felt terrible to say. Utterly, utterly terrible.

"Doesn't feel right? How so?" The tension was rising in him. Panic, even.

"I don't know, it just feels like I've done nothing wrong." She rubbed her elbows, her arms still crossed. Looking past the nature in front of her, she saw the Boat House coming into view. Thank god.

"Cassie," he laughed darkly, "you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, you've done the complete opposite. As crazy as it sounds, I'm so happy you've joined the Circle. It feels whole to me now." It was as if he had been torn to shreds by her words, thriving in a pool of blood on the ground.

"No, I mean I'm glad I'm part of it, it just—" she sighed. "Never mind." She picked up her pace, continuing on to the grille that was growing closer. She knew she'd messed things up with Adam. What exactly she had pulverized she wasn't quite sure of. But it was obvious by the look of Adam's eyes that something was certainly amiss. She felt her heart fall to her stomach. Just when things were getting good…

Adam kept his pace slow, knowing that Cassie was in no mood to make small talk. Especially not with him.

He entered the grille a substantial time after Cassie, and noticed her with the rest of the Circle in the back. She seemed placid; but melancholy. He sighed, nodded in the group's direction, and then muttered that he'd be back in a second. Adam continued on and went through the backdoor that led to the kitchen. He just needed a minute.

A minute to stop himself from drowning.

He gripped the edge of the table in the corner of the small room, and closed his eyes tightly.

'It's all your fault, Addy. Why did you let me go?'

Aria's voice echoed in his head, unfalteringly sweet and innocent, asking why her big brother let her die. Why did I?

'Addy, why did you do it?'

He wished he had an answer. He'd been asking himself for years why he had to look away that day; that moment.

Fingers wrapping tighter around the edge of the table, he felt the tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Aria, I'm sorry," he choked out, trying not keep his voice just low enough for her to hear.

Ethan Conant cleared his throat from behind his son. "Adam," he greeted tightly.

Haha, don't worry guys, I didn't die. Life has just been killing me. But anyways, here is chapter nine! Sorry it's a little short, but hopefully it'll do until the next update; which I promise will be a lot sooner than last time.

Reviews are love!