Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

I said goodnight to Dad and Daddy and walked up to my room. I had stayed up later than usual so I decided not to put away the washing that was on my dresser and do it tomorrow.

I grabbed the nightdress that was on top and put it on. It was silk and had a pretty floral design on the side. I usually hated the pink it was but I liked this nightdress. However when I put it on my breasts strained against the fabric and my tummy was clearly outlined. All in all it looked disgusting.

Had I really gained that much weight?

I walked the short distance to my wardrobe and started trying on my dresses. Most I hadn't worn in ages. Each time I tried one on I looked at my disgusting bulbous body. In everyone I looked worse. I threw them all on the floor of my closet. I hated my body, but I was calm. I knew what would help.

I grabbed some pajamas, ones that actually fit, and grabbed my required implements. The razor that I always kept hidden. The things to clean up after I was done. I sat on my bed with the razor on the bedside table next to me.

I took some deep breaths to steady my breathing.

I could feel my heart beating a million miles a minute. The fight or flight instinct.

I grabbed the razor and decided which side to cut with. I lowered my pajama shorts slightly off one hip. I knew not to cut on my arms anymore. Although it was extremely tempting and would be more satisfying it was easier to get caught, especially in summer when short sleeves were the norm.

So upper thighs were where I would go to. The first cut is always the hardest. Bringing the razor to the skin and slowly piercing the skin with shaking hands. Not knowing how deep to make the first cut. I would inevitably make it too deep or to shallow. Usually I would just wake horizontal cuts on the skin.

But tonight was special.

The first time I had ever cut I had done this word and I had only ever done it once since then.

UGLY.

I started with the U, of course, I did it a bit too shallow so I went over it again just to make sure it had all sunk in. The G is always harder because it has fiddly bits. I had to go over pieces several times to make sure it looked okay. The L and the Y are easy. Just two lines each. The final line on the Y was deeper than expected because I had gone over it twice not realizing the first cut was sufficient.

It didn't look right at first and the I realized it needed to be underlined. To put emphasis on the word. The line underneath was deep and long. Probably one of the biggest cuts I had ever made.

When I was finished I stowed the razor away and proceeded to blot the cuts with tissue paper. I was always unsure how hygienic this was and I was always scared I might get sick from it. So I always finished off with rubbing the cuts with alcohol wipes. It made the cuts sting.

It felt nice.

The cut never bled that much. They weren't meant to. They were meant to come up with some blood. It wasn't meant to run down my leg. How would I explain that?

I had been using the razor for only a short time.

I started off with glass.

I thought about using a razor for a long time before I actually did. I was terrified at the thought. The first time I used one all I made was a jagged little line that was barely more than a scratch.

The lines were straight and perfect now.

Everything I wanted to be.

It was almost laughable when I thought how my schoolmates would react if they knew about this. Rachel Berry cutting herself like some kind of emo wannabe. I hated that it had that label on it.

In the end I hoped that of I acted like I was perfect it might rub off a bit. If nothing else it would help my acting skills.

Rachel Barbra Berry on Broadway.

I certainly acted the part of a young starlet. However, sometimes however I wished someone would see through the mask that I wore and say 'Hey Rachel, are you okay'.

But I knew it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Masks were funny things, you can only see through them if you want to look deeper.

Couldn't someone please have looked deeper?

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