Backwoods

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds belongs to CBS, I own bupkis but my stories here.

Summary: The gang decides to go up to the mountains to relax at a cabin but meet some creepy and kooky country folks...

A/N: I originally put this as a separate two shot but many people asked where it was so I decided to re-edit it and post them together. Here's the second piece to Backwoods, and it takes place a few months after part one...

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

Nelson Mandela said, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

"I can't believe you sucked me into this" JJ said, sighing as she threw down her bags, "I mean do you even think it's safe?"

"Jayje" Garcia said, in annoyance, "Its not like some scary mountain men are gonna come down here and kill us in our sleep. Oh, I just scared myself."

"Serves you right" Emily said setting her own bag down, "You don't get it, PG. We hate the backwoods."

"Oh just because you were held hostage and forced to get married" Garcia said dismissively, "I mean you really should be thanking that man."

"Yeah because that was loads of fun" JJ muttered, remembering that the shotgun wedding cost her Will.

The blonde analyst sighed, "Sorry, Tink. I know Mountain Man cost you your man, but on the upside he is in jail."

"Yeah there's the upside" she murmured, watching as Hotch, Dave and Kevin came in carrying the rest of the luggage, "You sure you guys don't need a hand?"

Dave gave the small blonde an amused look, "I think we can handle it, considering we were the ones to load it into the SUV, and unloaded it. A few more steps shouldn't kill us."

"Somebody cranky" Garcia teased, "Missed your nap time?"

Dave muttered in Italian while Hotch looked over at his brunette bride, who whispered the translation in his ear.

"And on that note, how about we unpack and go into town grab something to eat?" Hotch asked the group.

"There's nothing in this town that looks even remotely edible" Dave said, "We should have gone to my cabin in Maryland."

"At least there, we know we'll be avoiding Deliverance" Emily said, while Hotch wrapped an arm around her waist, "I mean do you guys remember the last time we were in the 'big wood'?"

"Not all of it was so bad" Hotch told her, before kissing her neck.

"Still can't believe you got married twice in the same day and didn't invite me" Garcia muttered.

"You didn't really miss much" Emily said, "The first time was to avoid being shot at."

"And the second time?" Garcia urged on.

"To stick it to the Ambassador" Dave joked, "You should have seen her face when we showed up with their marriage license, we thought she was having a nervous breakdown."

"Watch it Mr. Rossi" Hotch said, "Or do I have to add something else that was interesting about that double wedding?"

Kevin frowned, "I thought Morgan stopped you two from saying 'I do'?"

"He did" JJ said, shooting the other three a look, "We were never married."

"Right" Dave said, "Now how about everyone grab the stuff and get ready."

As Garcia and Kevin picked up their luggage, "I really don't see the problem of a little local culture."

The former married couple carried their own belongings to their separate rooms, "If you ever get lonely you know where to find me..."

"Don't count on it" JJ said, slamming the door closed.

"Just like ex wives one, two and three." Dave sighed, closing his own door.

"You really don't like the country do you?" Hotch asked, "I think it has it's charm."

"Really?" Emily asked, "Because all I'm seeing is Ma and Pa on the front stoop just waiting to pick folks off the road like in that..."

Hotch covered her mouth with his own, "Shh. Don't go getting into one of your famous Emily rants."

"You told me that was one of your favorite things about me at wedding number two" Emily said, wrapping her arms around his neck, "Don't tell me my husband was lying to me."

"That's not how I meant it and you know that" Hotch said, "But sweetie, there's nothing to worry about. Donald, Tammy and Sandy are all locked up, for good."

"I know" she said, resting her head on his shoulder, "And despite what they did, something good came from it."

"Us" Hotch said, tilting her head up, "But you don't have to worry. Not all country people are like those freaks."

"Come on! Hurry it up." Garcia said.

"Do you mind, that was my ear drum" Dave voice rang out.

"Excuse me, I'm hungry" Garcia said, "And some people didn't want to make any pit stops except for gas and bathroom breaks."

"There goes our oldest child" Hotch teased, kissing Emily's forehead, "Don't worry. What's the worst that can happen?"

"I really wish you hadn't said that." Emily moaned as the two walked out of their room.

"Ew, there is nothing on this menu that can pass for edible" Garcia said, "Is that... squirrel meat?"

"It appears so" Kevin said, "How about after this we stop by an actual store and buy food so we don't have to come back here ever again."

"Fine by me" the three women said.

"Gumdrop" Garcia hissed out, while the brunette contemplated between the soup and a hamburger.

"What?" Emily asked tearing her eyes from the menu.

"Three o'clock" she hissed out.

The brunette and blonde both turn to around and noticed that three burly older men were eyeing their table.

"I knew this was a mistake" JJ whispered, "Why the hell do we ever decide to travel? Nothing good ever comes from it."

"Don't overreact" Hotch said, as the three men looked over at the unwelcome guest, "They're probably just here to eat like us."

"Well I wouldn't recommend it" Emily said, "This food looks terrible."

"Excuse me little lady?" a voice said from behind Emily.

Emily shot Hotch a look, but turned slightly, "Yes?"

"We were wondering if you ladies would care for a dance?" he asked, judging by his look, he wasn't someone who was told 'no' often.

Kevin chuckled lightly when he saw one of the other men, eye Garcia's very colorful outfit, "Well this is a funny thing, but these girls aren't really dancers."

"Yeah, I've got two left feet" Garcia added.

The leader looked over at Kevin, shooting the man a look, "I believe we were talking to the ladies."

"Well, as charming as that offer is" Emily said slowly, "I think we're going to pass, we just came in for some dinner."

"Little lady?" the man said, "If you're really hungry why don't you come on by to our place. Pete here can fix up a good biscuits and gravy..."

"As tempting as that's not" Emily said, "We're not really interested."

"Not interested?" Pete said, "Charlie, she's not interested. What do you think of that?"

"I don't like it" Charlie said, "How about it, Junior?"

"I'm not too happy either." Junior said.

"I knew this was a mistake" Emily heard JJ whisper, watching the three men eye them.

Hotch tried to stand up to shove the men off, when Emily placed a hand on him, "We're here on a family vacation."

"These your men?" Pete asked eyeing Dave, noticing he was the older of the three men, "He's not your daddy is he?"

Normally that would have made the women laugh, but they were not in a laughing mood. Far from it.

"Now look here" Kevin said, standing up feeling not as brave as he sounded, "The ladies have turned you down, now it would be wise if you just went on your way."

Charlie looked from Kevin back to Hotch and Dave, "We can take them."

"What?" Kevin asked, turning pale at the idea of having to fight, "Did he just say that he could take us?"

Emily threw down her menu, looking beyond annoyed and pissed off, "Don't even worry about it."

Standing up she stood toe to toe with the three men, "We've asked you more then politely to leave us alone."

"What are you going to do about it, little lady?" Junior asked.

"This" Emily said, doubling up her fist ready to punch Junior when Hotch grabbed her, pulling her back to the table.

"I've got this" Hotch said, turning to the man, "Look, we're Federal..."

Pete and Junior each grabbed Dave and Kevin, pulling them from their seats and shoving the two men around.

"Hey" Garcia said, starting to stand up only for the two women to keep her down, "Take your hands off my man. He bruises easily."

Pete snorted, while Junior shoved Kevin across the room, and Charlie sucker punched Hotch in the jaw causing the BAU leader to fall down.

"Stop it" JJ said only to be shoved back by Pete, causing Dave to see red and charge forward knocking Pete and Junior back against the wall.

"Oh my Goodness" Garcia muttered, reaching into her black handbag for her cell phone and groaned, "No signal."

JJ's head whipped around, "Where the hell did the staff go?"

Garcia zigzagged through the overturned chairs and tables, "Oh my stars and caboodles."

Emily turned watching Dave get shoved onto a table, while Hotch dunked when a chair came flying by him, "Kevin heads up."

The male analyst turned only to get an elbow in the nose by Junior.

Emily dunked when another chair went by her head and felt herself be pulled back by the blonde agent.

"My baby" Garcia cried out while dialing the police, "We need the cops here like now. And can you maybe send the paramedics too, if it wouldn't be too much trouble?"

Garcia closed her eyes as she felt the two women tap on her shoulder, "They said we could go in now."

The three women stood at the door, fearing what was awaiting them on the other side.

"You know Emily" Hotch said, when the three women walked in, "Maybe you had it right, we should just avoid the woods."

"How are you?" Emily asked.

"They said the worst damage was done to my knee and jaw." Hotch said, tapping his face, "Thank God for pain medication. I can't feel a thing."

"Oh Kevy, I can't believe they broke your nose" Garcia sobbed, "I've always loved your nose."

As the blonde kissed him, he cried out in pain, "Yeah, that's definitely broken."

"You guys, we're so sorry" JJ told the three men, "We should have never talked about this trip."

Dave sat up in the hospital bed, rubbing his ace covered wrist, "You know, JJ we're not married anymore so maybe I don't have to participate in these little get together."

"You can just cross us off the list." Garcia said, turning around, "I mean here I was thinking that you two were joking about hillbillies and our boys end up in the hospital. Beaten beyond repair."

"Not all hillbillies are like this" Hotch said, pulling Emily close to him, "And besides I kind of like the idea of fighting for my woman's honor."

"They must have you guys really stoned." Garcia said, "Cause you're sounding chauvinistic and I thought I heard Dave say he and JJ were married..."

"Oh yeah we were married" Dave said, "For about four hours."

JJ laughed nervously looking over at Hotch and Emily who both looked shock, "Oh don't listen to him they've got him on tons of pain killers."

"Uh, they haven't brought in his medication yet." Kevin replied in shocked, "I probably shouldn't have said that. Ignore me."

JJ shot Dave a look, but before any more bloodshed could be done, Emily was the first to break the tension.

"I think we should pack up the car and as soon as everyone's released just head back home" Emily told the group, "It's just safer that way and easier for you all to recoup at our respective homes."

"Alone?" Dave asked, looking over at the blonde who sighed but shook her head.

"Fine" she hissed out, "But you better be on your best behavior."

"Scouts honor" Dave said, holding his good hand up, "I promise."

JJ sighed, "Come on, lets get the hell out of this town."

"Thought that was suppose to be my line" Emily muttered, looking over at the blonde analyst peppering her boyfriend with kisses, "Come on, PG. He's safe in the hospital."

"I'll. Be. Back." Garcia said, kissing Kevin's face one last time before following her friends out.

Kevin touched his face, "My nose hurts."

"Quit your complaining" Dave muttered closing his eyes, "We're all in pain."

Pulling up to the cabin, each woman let out a breath as they made their way into the cabin.

"Lets not be here any longer then we have to." Emily told the other two women, "Don't worry about being neat, just get in, grab and get out."

"I've got a bad feeling about this" JJ murmured, wincing when she felt a poke at her side.

"Don't say that" Garcia told her, "The girls in the movie that say that always get it."

"This isn't Deliverance" Emily said, "We're not gonna find the guys tied to a tree in their underwear."

"There so many things I want to say right now, but I won't" Garcia said, making her way to the back bedroom.

Emily grabbed her clothes out of the drawer, feeling waves of guilt for agreeing to a vacation. Quickly stuffing Hotch's clothes in the suitcase, she paused hearing a noise.

"JJ?" Emily called out, "Garcia?"

Picking up the bags she made her way over to the door, "Girls?"

A shiver went up her spine, as she made her way over to the living room, she was about to call out for the girls again when she saw the cabin door open.

"Shit" she muttered, reaching into her bag and grabbing her service weapon.

Holding tightly onto the gun, she walked towards the door and slowly peered her head outside. Looking to the left and the right she saw the trunk of the SUV opened.

"Dammit" she muttered, walking slowly outside keeping her gun trained on the truck.

Hearing a sound behind her, she let out a sigh when all she saw was a squirrel scurry across a tree branch before walking to the car and closing the lid.

As she walked back over to the cabin she opened the door and was quickly grabbed and tried to scream only to stomp down on the intruders foot and be dropped.

"Damn it Emily" Morgan softly cried out.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she said, trying to control her racing heart.

"Hotch called me" Morgan said, "I couldn't understand anything but every other word. I got women in trouble and backwoods. I was about to hang up thinking you all were stoned when I heard a nurses voice."

"Yeah, we ran into some trouble with some local men who wouldn't take no for an answer" Emily said, "Dave got a fractured wrist, Kevin ended up with a broken nose and Hotch has a swelling knee with a bad jaw. Did you see the girls?"

Morgan frowned, "They're not at the hospital? I thought they were."

Emily's eyes widened, pulling the athletic profiler along with her as the two call out for the girls.

As the two made their way down the hallway leading towards the root cellar, they both paused.

"You hear anything?" Emily whispered to her friend, who shook his head but then they heard it, both heads shot back to the living room.

Emily maneuvered to point her gun when Morgan wrapped a hand around her arm to stop her.

"What?" she asked.

"Don't do anything crazy" Morgan told her, "Follow my lead."

Rolling her eyes she followed him down the hallway both pausing at the end of the hallway to hear boisterous laughter.

"Come on, little ladies" Charlie said, "Dance."

"I'm not in the mood to dance" Garcia said, "You have no idea how much I'm going to enjoy kicking your ass right now."

"Sure thing, darling" Pete said, "Now where's that other little lady? The pretty one with the dark hair?"

"Hopefully up in the rafters figuring out how to take you out without leaving blood splatter all over the rug" JJ deadpanned.

"Like that's going to happen..." Charlie started hearing the safety going off the gun.

"Don't you move" Morgan heard Emily hiss out to the three intruders.

Hotch was slowly putting on his suit coat looking over to see the hospital door open, "Do you have those papers for me to fill out?"

"Nope" Garcia said, walking over to Kevin, "You will not believe what we've been through."

The three men took in the blonde analyst's disheveled appearance and Hotch frowned, noticing that they were down two women.

"Where are Emily and JJ?" Hotch asked worried for his wife and their friend.

"Gumdrop and Jayje are down in the E.R. with my chocolate Adonis" Garcia casually said, taking Kevin's hand as she sat on the hospital bed with the now dressed men.

"What the hell are they doing in the E.R.?" Dave asked seeing the panic hit his younger friend's face terrified at that prospect of something happening to the two women.

"Oh they're with Morgan trying to keep him calm" Garcia said, "They asked that I come up here to check on you."

"What happened to Morgan?" Kevin asked, the pain in his nose still present.

"He wound up with a few bruised ribs and a black eye" Garcia said, "Poor baby, taking on all those bad guys."

"He took on the gang that got us?" Dave asked.

"Him and Gumdrop" Garcia said, looking over to see Hotch nearly keel over at that idea, "She came out unscathed. Not a hair out of place."

"Are you telling me the truth?" Hotch asked narrowing his eyes.

"On my P.C. no harm was inflicted thanks to our own resident hero, Derek Morgan" Garcia told the men, "Those creepy cave dwellers showed up and JJ and I tried to flee but they grabbed us and we almost had to dance with them."

"Dance?" Kevin asked, "That's just weird on a whole googy level."

"No kidding," Garcia said, "Then boom out comes our very own BAU heroes, and Em got that skeezy Pete with a kick to the crotch."

"Ooh" the three men said wincing at that idea.

"Then Morgan took Emily's gun and vowed that he'd let her shoot them wherever she wanted and they gave up." Garcia said, "They are now in the custody of the Sheriff and we are free to go."

"Well how did Morgan get the bruised ribs and black eye?" Hotch asked, going over her wording.

"Yeah" Garcia slowed, "Before we said goodbye to the three stooges, one of the Deputies made a comment on Emily, her killer rack and well... she saw red."

"Of course she did" Hotch said nodding, "And Morgan?"

"Ended up the unintentional target stopping her from jumping on the Sheriff's squad car to get the laughing deputy and the three creeps and well Morgan tried to intervene. She Sydney Bristow'd him across the driveway and the rest is history."

The hospital door opened and Emily held up the discharge papers, "You're all free to go. Ready to head back home?"

"Yes, please" Morgan said from the doorway, "I feel like I got stomped on by an elephant."

"Hey" Emily protested, only for Hotch to pull her close, "I resent that."

"And I resent being your pinata." Morgan said looking over at Hotch, "Next time take a vacation to Hawaii or somewhere safe. Like a safe house."

"You don't have to tell me twice." JJ said, "This trip was weirder then me getting married to Dave..."

"WHAT?" Morgan shouted, "You two were really married?"

The blonde shrugged, "Ah what the hell, yeah. I'm former Mrs. Rossi number four."

Emily and Hotch looked at each other, smirking, "Technically you still are Mrs. Rossi."

"What?" the formerly married couple asked narrowing their eyes.

"Yeah, I forgot to mention one thing about your annulment" Hotch said slowly, "You didn't sign the papers."

"What?" the two asked looking from their friends to each other.

"You're still married" Emily said, "We've been meaning to tell you, but there was never a good time."

"Yeah, we're kind of embarrassed that neither of you figured it out by now" Hotch told the Rossis.

"Never a good time?" the blonde repeated, looking embarrassed and enraged, "Uh you've had four months to tell me this."

"Well we've been stacked up on cases" Hotch offered, "Besides we only found out through a mail goof we got your papers from the clerks office. We actually thought about not saying anything, but what the hell..."

JJ looked over at her husband who looked like he was contemplating the idea then looked to her three other friends while she eyed the other married couple and planning to jump them and kick ass.

"We're stopping by a court house and filing for divorce" JJ hissed out.

"No" Dave said, causing the blonde to turn around stunned, "I think we should give this the Hotchner try and stay hitched."

"What?" JJ repeated, "Did those hillbillies happen to knock a few brain cells loose? I'm not staying married to you."

"Its a long trip and I've got all the time in the world" Dave said, "Besides you've been flirting ever since we were man and wife. And you're the one that forgot to sign them."

"I do not flirt with you" JJ protested, watching her team come to accept this, "And my forgetting to sign was an honest mistake. I was thinking of ways to make sure Will didn't find out."

"And he did" Garcia said, "There had to be a subconscious reason you forgot to sign."

"Yeah, it's called you still want to be married to Dave Rossi." Morgan replied.

"Do not" JJ said.

"Do too" Emily finished pulling the blonde aside, "Look I know what you're going through, but trust me when I say this, don't let an important moment pass you by. This could've been the road you were always meant to take."

JJ looked ready to protest when Emily turned her to look at Dave, "You see him? You were about to kick some hillbilly butt to save him..."

"But anyone would've" JJ said only to see Emily shake her head.

"You went to bat for him way different then you ever did for me, Hotch, or even Reid" Emily told her, "Just think about it."

JJ pursed her lips while the others walked towards the exit, "Dave?"

The older man paused turning to face her, "How would you feel like grabbing a bite to eat once we get back home?"

"Home?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah" she said, walking over to him with a smile holding out her hand, "We've got some talking to do."

The two walked out of the hospital room, following their friends as they walked into the elevator.

Garcia turned to Kevin, "Do not expect me to get married in the big woods."

Emily snickered, while JJ rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I'm sure the second someone pulls a shotgun on you, you'll change your tune."

Hotch and Dave exchanged smirks, both knowing it wasn't as bad as it seems. Except for the shotguns.

"I'm so not taking any vacation or road trips with you people ever again" Morgan muttered rubbing his side.

"When you do something, you should burn yourself up completely, like a bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself." Shunryu Suzuki

THE END

I tried to make this more crackfic, but not sure how it came out. Hope you like it, leave a review