Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination and it's sometimes brutal tendencies.
Beside You
Kurt had never been one to sulk in his problems. He'd never gone all woe is me or voiced his misdoings. Never once broken down overdramatically like Rachel, or complained incessantly like Santana. Never ever. Instead he'd always kept them quiet, asked for help once in a blue moon, but tried to deal with it himself.
Even with Blaine in the picture, he'd kept doing so. Sure, Blaine had changed him. For the better, of course. Blaine revolutionized his every thought. But there was one thing, on perfectly disastrous habit that Blaine hadn't changed.
One he could never, ever know about...
Kurt almost ran into the boys bathroom, overwhelmed.
He'd been bullied for so long he was indifferent, but sometimes those feelings crept up again. When he heard a muttered fag as he walked down the hall. A badly covered up glare, or two students nudging each other and laughing.
Normally he didn't even notice things like that. Well, okay, yes he did. But he could choose to not take them to heart, especially while in the presence of friends or his boyfriend.
But today, after already getting a bad mark on his chem test, he was nearing the dangerous decision. And when he walked down the hall by himself, and was not so accidentally shoved aside in the hall, his resolve broke. He could feel the stares on his back, the muttered judgements and questions.
With that, he made the choice to give in. Give in to the stupid addiction that he couldn't truly fight.
After making sure he was in a stall that nobody was near, he fumbled around in his bag before pulling out what he needed.
The razor gleamed in the light, sending adrenaline through his veins. He loved the sharp edge. He loved the way it felt when it broke his skin, causing blood to spill over. But at the same time, he despised it. He hated it to no end.
It was his perfect disaster.
And as he roughly shoved down the sleeve of his shirt, he sucked in a preparatory breath. His skin was already lightly marred with scars. He'd been doing this a long time, after all.
He set the blade horizontally on his porcelain skin, craving the burning pain. He needed it more than anything else. He wanted it.
It was inevitable.
XXXXX
Finn saw Kurt rush down the hall, eyes pink and cheeks flustered. Immediately he knew something was wrong, and knowing Kurt wouldn't want a crowd, he politely excused himself from Puck and rushed after his stepbrother.
He saw his shoe disappear into the bathroom, and followed, shoving people aside. When he reached the door, he pushed it open timidly.
He saw a few freshmen chatting by the sink, but they were absorbed in whatever they were discussing. Nobody else was in the open, and he scanned the lower portion of the stalls, seeing only one pair of feet, which he knew belonged to Kurt.
He knocked on the stall worriedly. "Kurt? You okay?"
He heard what sounded like a hushed sob, putting his nerves on end.
"Kurt? Come on, answer me!"
He heard a deep swallow, and a sniffle.
"I'm...I'm f-fine." He heard Kurt stutter, his voice thick with unseen tears.
"Kurt, open the door. Open it now."
"No. Go aw-away."
"Kurt, you know I can break it in. Open it."
He heard a sob. The door opened angrily, and Kurt could be seen, face red, eyes puffy, and edge of his shirt...bloody? Finn noticed Kurt seemed to be keeping his hands out of view.
Without thinking, he reached to try and grab them, but Kurt backed away with feared intensity.
"Let me see." Finn said simply.
"Screw off."
"Let. Me. See."
"GET LOST FINN!" Kurt nearly yelled, and the freshmen boys vacated the room with strange looks.
He moved slightly to the left, and finally saw it. In Kurt's hand was a razor blade, bloody and shining. His wrist was red with blood, cuts decorating his skin.
"Kurt...god, Kurt. Please, just-"
"GET OUT." Kurt shouted.
"Kurt-"
"NOW!" He screamed, a sight Finn had never seen. He backed away in shock.
There was only thing he could think to do. He ran out the door in search of Blaine Anderson.
XXXXX
Kurt fell to the tile floor, his sobs consuming him. The door was pushed closed by his leg, so nobody could see him.
Finn had just...he had...he knew. Finn knew. Nobody had ever known before. What...what was he supposed to do now?
Unable to come up with an answer, he put the razor to his un-cut wrist, and pushed down, while pulling across. The skin sliced open, blood beading along the line. The release was chemical, his head hitting the stall wall.
He knew he shouldn't be doing it. He knew that now that Finn knew, things wouldn't be the same. But he didn't care.
He sliced himself again, a small smile appearing through the tears. He was destroying himself and it was perfect.
XXXXX
Blaine spun to see Finn run up to him, eyes red.
"BLAINE!"
"What?" He asked, taking in the other boy's scared appearance.
"You need to come. Kurt's in the bathroom." He perked up at his boyfriend's name.
"So?"
"He's..he has...a razor..he's...hurting himself...you need to...need to...help...come!" Finn stuttered hastily, before grabbing Blaine's arm, and dragging him down the hall, all the while, the shorter boy's heart on fire with terror.
XXXXX
Kurt heard the door slam open, and sobbed harder. He wasn't sure whether it was out of fear, relief, or both.
The stall door wrenched open, and his boyfriend stood there, in obvious shock. He noticed Finn back out of the room, locking the door beforehand so nobody could enter.
"Kurt...you...Kurt, no." Blaine uttered, falling to his knees. His eyes welled up, pain distorting his face.
"I h-have to." He said, unable to explain it any other way.
Blaine reached out to take the razor, and Kurt backed himself against the wall, putting his hand as far away as he could.
"Honey, you need to give it to me. I'm sorry, but you need to." Blaine said, sniffing.
Kurt could hear some jocks joking around out in the hallway, and he was almost sure he heard Santana and Brittany laugh. He felt as though he and Blaine were isolated in a bubble.
"No...No I need it!"
"Please babe. Don't make me take it."
"I...no...leave me alone...I..." Kurt was losing his mind, his thoughts swirling within him, threatening to burst.
"Kurt...oh Kurt..." Blaine whispered, reaching out to take the sharp object.
Kurt lunged away from the other boy, falling out of the stall and into the open space of the bathroom. He tried to get up, but his blood streaked hand slipped on the smooth tile.
Blaine closed in, enclosing his arms around him. Kurt struggled, writhing and crying.
"Blaine! No! I need it! Please!" He sobbed, but the other boy got his hand on the razor and pulled, hissing as it sunk into his fingers in the process.
When the cold metal was gone from his fingers, Kurt gave up. His muscles went slack, and he let Blaine hold him, stroking his shoulder.
"It's okay baby. It's okay." Blaine whispered, the two of them lying on the floor. Blood was smeared on the tile, their clothes and hands. Tears were beginning to wash it away, but more was trickling out.
"I'm..I'm so sorry..." Kurt said, a strangled whisper.
"No. No, don't you apologize. I know what it's like to lose control. I try to destroy other people, while you...you've been destroying yourself. So don't apologize. That's just like you...ever the selfless sweetheart. I'm going to help you. You'll be okay. It'll be fine." Blaine comforted, and Kurt felt himself begin to calm.
As his sobs slowly stopped, and he ran out of his tears, feeling came back. His wrists stung and bit at him, and his leg pulsed from where he had landed awkwardly.
But not just that. He began to rationalize again. Maybe more so than he'd done in a long time.
"I...I never realized how bad I was." Kurt admitted, turning to look at Blaine.
Their foreheads touched, and they kept eye contact while Blaine took off his bowtie and tied it around Kurt's worse cut wrist, earning a hiss from him.
"What'you mean?"
"I...well..." He sighed. Blaine kissed him reassuringly, and he managed to continue. "Whenever something bad happened...it was just...cut. You know? It...started when my mom...and then it was just everything. Finn rejected me; cut. Karofsky beat me up; cut. It was better at Dalton I suppose... Then, when the whole prom thing happened...cut."
"But I was with you..." Blaine trailed off, his voice guilty.
"I know you were. It wasn't your fault. I just felt like everyone...like I looked like an idiot...all I could see was the bad stuff. I couldn't see our dance or anything good...I just saw the laughs and the stares and...I think that was the deepest I've ever...cut." He struggled out, biting his lip.
"Shit, Kurt. Why didn't you...I mean..."
"Tell you?" He asked, and Blaine nodded. "Because...you're just so perfect. I couldn't put something like that on you...I mean...and I just...I didn't want you to feel guilty."
"Too late." Blaine said, and then looked as if he'd realized something. "Oh...Kurt you didn't...you didn't cut when I got the part in West Side Story did you?"
Kurt looked down, guilty and embarrassed.
"And when I got drunk and stupid at the bar?"
He continued to look down, a silent answer.
"Honey...God I am so sorry. But how did I not...I mean we...we had sex. How did I not see them?" The other boy questioned, and Kurt sniffed, his eyes pricking again.
"I'm good with makeup, remember? I could make Rachel look like Queen Latifah if I wanted to. Covering up a few cuts is easy."
"Babe...I promise you, we are going to help you. No matter what, we're getting through this, you hear me? It's not just you anymore. I'm here, and Finn's here. You're gonna get better. You can be happy again. That's a promise." Blaine Anderson explained, helping Kurt to sit up against the wall.
"You...do you promise?"
"I swear on every bowtie, sappy love song, and ounce of undying, pining love I have for you. It's gonna be okay."
Kurt couldn't take it. He just let himself cry again, this time on Blaine's shoulder.
And as he did, Blaine began to sing in a low voice.
"When your tears are spent on your last pretence
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence.
When it's in your spine, like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while
Oh waaii oh waaii oh oooo
Oh waaii oh waaii oh oooo
If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you, when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you
When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurring nonetheless.
When you try to speak, but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud
If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you, when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you
I will stay
Nobody will break you
Oh
Trust in me, trust in me
Don't pull away
Trust in me, just trust in me
I'm just trying to keep this together, because I could do worse and you could do better
Tears are spent on your last pretence
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence.
If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you, when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you
If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you when, it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you."
Alrighty then. Hmm...so that's it I suppose. I might do a second chapter.
Review so I know how you feel?
Song was Beside You by Marianas Trench.
Thanks for reading!
xo